Treading Water
by larin20
Summary: Edward Masen is a broken man and wants nothing to do with Bella after she left him for college. Five years later Charlie is sick and dying. He enlists Edwards help to bring Bella home after graduation. Road Trip! ExB, OOC but Cannon later A/H
1. Edward the Broken

**Hello there! This is my first venture into fanfic. Annabella Laurie beta'ed chapters 1-10 and MissAlex is doing the rest. Thank you so much for reading! **

**Please be warned that this is a MATURE story. There is excessive use of foul language, sexual situations, and violence later on. If you don't like that or can't handle it, I can suggest something fluffy for you to read. **

**Meyer owns all and I do not. But I do take responsibility for Edward and his potty mouth. **

**Chapter 1 Edward the Broken**

_**Edward**_

When I arrived at Charlie's, he was already outside on the porch waiting for me. I chuckled to myself. He was so excited to go out on the pond today. I knew it by the look on his face. It was freedom and he was going to take it. I got out my car and closed the door behind me. I have come to this house many times over the years. It was like home. I knew every inch of the place. I watched my feet walk up the stairs to the porch; I knew that the second stair had a crack. I placed my hand on the rail and looked at the chipping paint, remembering the last time I helped paint that rail. It was many years ago.

I would miss this house. Soon I would have no reason to come back here. I didn't want to think about that right now. Today was a day for fun and relaxation. It was Charlie's day to get out and do what he loved most, fish. He looked at me and without saying a word, handed me his bag and pole and walked past me to his old Chevy truck. He didn't need to say anything. It was like that with Charlie and me. We didn't need all those words getting in the way of just living. I followed him and placed his bag in the truck. I quickly went over to Charlie's boat in the driveway and hitched it up to his truck. It only took ten minutes and we were off, ready to start the day.

The water was placid and clear. Today was a sunny day which was unusual for Forks, Washington but I loved it. You don't get many sunny days when you live the on the Olympic Peninsula where it is clouded in gray most of the year. It was enough to pink up my skin a little and feel the burn as the afternoon sun beat down on us. This was new for Charlie to be on his boat in a pond, or at least it was a change of pace. He has been indoors for the last three months, recovering from his last bout of pneumonia. He was well enough today to go out and fish- his favorite thing to do of course. This time we had to stick to a local pond on private property. _My property. It was my all mine, _I thought with a smile. But I guess it was more of a small lake then a pond… I bought 30 acres about a year ago and just finished building my new house, thanks in part to my parent's vast wealth they left me. My friends Emmett and Jasper helped me do a lot of the work so they became my new unofficial roommates. Emmett and Jasper also quickly became my replacement best friends since I couldn't have _her_ anymore. I could feel the tension build in my brow when I thought of _her_. I still couldn't say_ her_ name sometimes. It hurt too much. I still thought of _her_ every day. Some of my thoughts of _her_ were not always good thoughts. I was still angry she left and hurt at what happened to _them_.

… … _Them. _

It's been five years. I have to get over...._ it_. What is.... _it_? The grief? The loneliness? The betrayal?

No, I dealt with that a long time ago. Or, I kept telling myself I dealt with that shit. _It_ was still there.

It was easier to push away, then to heal. I was not interested in healing right now. I don't know why. I just wanted to live numb to the world. Just live and not think of the past. It was hard not to. Having reminders everyday hounding me like the plague. Charlie was one of those reminders. But I couldn't push Charlie away. He needed me too much, especially now. Every time I saw him or spoke to him I would picture _her. _

It was a nice way of living.

I would laugh for torturing myself on a daily basis. But Charlie didn't have _her_ right now either. One of us had to stay take care of him. That job fell into my hands and I didn't mind. He was like a father to me since my father was not around… or my mother.

… … T_hem._

I sighed and shrugged off their memory. They were gone and I was alone. Charlie filled that void. He did a good job too. He never gave up on me. He supported me and helped me get over their death. I at least let him think he did. I never talked to anyone about _them_; it was too hard… too much pain that caused headaches. Charlie was different. What other non-relative would go out of their way and be a "step in" father to a messed up, lost, punk kid who was in love with his _own_ daughter? Not too many in my book. If I was in his situation and my daughter's broken ex boyfriend came crawling to me in pain, I would just shrug it off and walk away. But Charlie was more than that. He was a father who knew what it felt like to be alone. He is a good stand up guy who loved my father like a brother and loved me like a son. The ex boyfriend part was just a formality. He knew I loved _her_. He knew she loved me. Why come in the way of love or when it was love. He knew love all too well. He was broken too. Renee was gone and never coming back. Charlie understood who I was now without _her_ in my life. He had hoped things would change, but we both knew it wouldn't.

Not now.

Not after all that happened. It's been too long. He knew I blamed her. He didn't say anything about it. That's the kind of guy Charlie is. He was wiser than I for sure. He knew it when he looked at me. He couldn't help me. He couldn't repair me to my former self. I had to help myself. I had too much built up in me that I couldn't let out. I would sit in my bedroom at night and think of ways to get healed.

I tried to scream it out. No sound.

I tried to punch it out. No damage.

I tried to kill myself. No luck.

I couldn't do it. It was so fucking irresponsible. I wouldn't let my parents down by killing myself. I could see my dad kicking my ass from heaven if I succeeded. And that meant he was going to hell to find me and fuck me up; I wasn't allowing that shit. My honorable father was not stepping one foot out of heaven… even over my dead body. So suicide was out of the question. I didn't have the nerve to go through with it anyway. I let the car run in the closed garage for five minutes before I declared myself the biggest dumb ass and opened the garage door. I had to face it.

I was pathetic.

I was a broken man. I wanted to be a lost soul; I wasn't worth saving. I didn't want to be saved. Just live in my new house on my land. Be a hermit and grow a beard. I wanted to wear lumber jack shirts and cut wood. I wanted to write and play music. Anything to keep me on my land and away from people.

The way they looked at me was something I dreaded... Full of pity and shame.

The look that said, _He could have been a great man but now he's hopeless._

This caused me to not always be pleasant to others. When I got that certain disdained look I would crack. My view on people was shot to hell. After my parents died, I didn't want to be disturbed; I wanted to be alone. No one was going to help… No one could help. Not the neighbors, family, friends, or even _her_. _She_ tried but I shut _her_ out.

There was no way I was letting _her_ back in. _She_ caused this all. It was all _her_ fault. How dare _she_ try to mend me! No one was going to heal me. I grew angry and lashed out at anyone who got in my way.

Mrs. Stanley used to worry about me often I really don't know why. I never did anything for the woman. She was trying to be sweet but I hated the fucking attention. I lost it and yelled at her in the grocery store.

"Leave me the fuck alone and I don't want you to bring a disgusting casserole to my house!"

If screaming at Mrs. Stanley at the top of my lungs wasn't a clear sign to people, I didn't know what was.

Emmett was really pissed when he found out I did that.

"Dude, why the hell did you pass up free food?" he complained.

I just brushed passed him and shook my head. He understood my anger. I didn't want people falling over me. I'm not the only person in the world who lost parents. He still reminds me about it to this day. Mrs. Stanley was known for her cooking.

When that episode happened, Mrs. Stanley was stunned to say the least and hurried off to tell the town I was crazy and rude. Rumors flew like wild fire. First I yelled at her, then I went crazy in the canned goods isle throwing food, then I broke down and cried.

It was all lies. I didn't care.

Screw them! Screw Mrs. Fucking Stanley with her one dish meal!

My life didn't matter now. I guess my attitude didn't help in my profession. It just made me more of a force to be reckoned with. More power of the badge. I liked carrying a gun. It came with the job of being a deputy in Forks. People tend to stay farther away from you when you carry a gun. Even if you are a cop. _To protect and serve_... yeah right.

A year after my parent's death I did manage to salvage a couple of friendships. I was only human; I had to have some companionship. I had just a couple of close friends. I didn't need much more. Emmett, Jasper and Rose hung around long enough to see through my bullshit. God bless them. I was no fun to hang out with for a long time.

Women were another story. There were a couple of women that just wanted to "ease my pain" as they told me. I let them. Hell, I have needs. I am a man after all. I denied myself for so long. It was inevitable. I had to have sex plain and simple.

Women came and went in my life. I wouldn't call myself a ladies' man but I knew I had an effect on women. I was a little cocky about it. I got some good looks from my father and I worked out so my body was decent. It wasn't hard to land a piece of ass that looked like a model but drank like a fish. Those girls were easy. Buy them a drink, make them feel special, and take them home. I was definitely not looking for a relationship. No way. It required too much time and energy. Plus, I really wasn't into it. None of them drew my attention for more than just one night stands.

Or if they were good, three night stands, maybe four, but never more than that. It got too complicated after more than five dates.

I guess you can call me a user. I used women.

Edward Masen the player.

I'm not proud of it. I felt like a complete asshole when the night was over and I was ready to take them home after I ravaged their bodies. I had myself to protect. I always made it clear I wanted nothing more than just sex. Most of them understood and went along with the plan. It wasn't like I was bedding a different woman every night.

_Not anymore. _

Just every now and then I would meet someone at the bar or in Port Angeles. I didn't want love anymore. I had love once. I_ have_ love now. What the hell am I thinking? I no longer had love. I'm not still in love with _her_. Not anymore. _She_ proved that to me months ago.

I don't know. I was over it. I didn't want to experience anything anymore with anyone. No one could compare to the way I felt for _her_. There was never anyone who even came close.

But I did try once... Just to see if it would happen.

I tried to will the spark with Jessica Stanley. Did that ever backfire on me.

We dated for about three months before I had to let her go. She started talking about the future and kids and all that shit. She brought over one of her Martha Stewart Living books to my house when I moved in. She wanted to help me decorate. I knew she had alternative motives. Looking at her face, it bled excitement.

I freaked.

She was in love with me and I couldn't give her anything. I tried. I really really tried. I looked at the damn Martha Stewart, choking on my pride. Jessica was smart and knew going into anything with me was not the best decision. She hoped she could change me. She wanted to heal me which was a mistake. It made me grow anxious with her and I started to withdraw slowly. She sensed it but she wouldn't let go. I just had to let her down gently… eventually.

Her mother for sure didn't want me to be with Jessica since that day in the grocery store. "He's nuts, Jessica!" "I forbid you to see him. He almost attacked me!" her mother would yell.

Jessica didn't care. She loved me and wanted nothing more than to be with me. I couldn't understand it. It was unconditional with her. But I kept at it with her, trying to see if I could just fall in love with her... for her sake. Jessica put so much into the relationship; I had so much respect for her, but in the end I couldn't do it. Every time I was with Jess I felt _her_ not Jessica. We would sleep together and I thought of _her_. I would wrap my arms around Jess, kiss Jess and imagine it was _her_… not Jess. It got to the point when we had sex I had to really concentrate on yelling the right name. "Bel....I mean Jessica!" Those little slips cut deep. I tried so damn hard not to think _her_ name, but when it would slip, it was like taking a punch full on to the fucking gut.

It wasn't fair to either of us. Jessica was heartbroken and cried a lot. It hurt me that I hurt her so much. I knew she would get over it. I really was sorry for leading her on. She is a sweet girl. She was mad at me for a long time, but ended up forgiving me when she had a talk with Rose one day. Rose told her how messed up I was over how I treated her. Jessica realized she couldn't fix me. We became friends.

We still talk when I see her at the diner where she works. She sometimes comes over and spends the night. We have an understanding now. I still have trouble with which name to yell, but now I just keep my mouth shut. It's easier that way.

Why wasn't anyone else good enough?

What is wrong with me?

Why did I make this so difficult? Jessica would take me back in a second if I asked her too. She still looked at me like that.

With love.

It didn't help that we were still having sex.

_Oh well_, she will have to deal with it. I had myself to look out for. I can't think anymore about it. I still have _her_ in my head. That damn pull I feel when I think about _her_ is still there. It never went away. Shouldn't I have forgotten over time? Out of sight out of mind, right?

Wrong.

_Why can't I get her out of my head!_ I thought.

I would shout to myself, "It's been five years! Get over yourself! She was just a girl!"

But she wasn't just a girl. It was_ her. _My heart. My life.

I had no heart now. She charred it black. I was bitter and cold and I blamed _her_.

Fishing wasn't my top past time; I like music and film. I would do it for Charlie though. I wanted to make him happy and enjoy himself. He deserved it with all he has been through. I know not having _her_ here the whole time he's been sick has been tough on him. But he wanted it that way. _She_ was coming back really soon after graduation. _She_ wanted to come home and take care of him but he insisted she finish what she started and graduate. It was mostly Charlie's choice to make _her_ stay at school and finish.

He said to her, "Bella," the fucking sound of her name still stung, "You have to finish what you started. I'm so proud of you. I will be fine and I can take care of myself. If I need help I always have Edward. I can trust and rely on him."

Of course _she_ protested and was ready to move home but he put his foot down and made her feel more terrible if she didn't stay and finish out her masters.

Charlie rarely said much to me about _her_ since my parents died. He knew I didn't want to talk about her. It was hard for him sometimes to not talk about her. He wanted to tell so much; sometimes he would forget and slip some details in. He knew how close _Bella_ and I were to each other. I would just smile and say "That's great! I'm glad she's happy." Which was true, I never wanted _her_ to be anything but happy. I guess that's why I let her go and didn't look back. She was my other half. Still feels like that sometimes.

It was her choice to break up. I followed her to Chicago when she went to school. I didn't know how to live without her. When you spend your whole life loving someone you follow them anywhere. She didn't want me to be there with her there at school. I was too much of a distraction. I got in the way. She told me she thought our love was just puppy love… A high school relationship… A_ fling_…

A _fling_?

What was that?

"Are you kidding me?" I screamed at her. "Did you just call our whole life a fucking... _fling_?" I shivered remembering her voice and words. She could only look at me with sad eyes. She said that on purpose. I could see it on her face. _It_ hurt her to say it to me, but that was harsh.

A _fling_?

I felt her stabbing my heart over and over again when I thought of the word …_fling._

Our love was never a fucking fling and she knew it. It was more, way more. She trusted in it and loved it just like I did. She was wrong. She was lying. I could see it in her eyes. I felt my heart rip from my chest. I just wanted to put my heart on platter and serve it up to her… I didn't need it anymore. She took it and threw it away.

How could she not see she was my other half? She knew she was my other half, she just didn't want it. She threw me away. She threw _us _away. I told her I would follow her anywhere. She told me to go home.

"You have more to do with your life then just _be _with me Edward." she told me. "Go home, please." she begged me. She wanted to stay in touch though.

That was classic!

Oh Edward, let's be friends. What guy wants to hear that? Me, that's who. She called in the following months since I left and I talked to her like an idiot. Hoping that she would see reason and either move back home and go to college here or let me come back to Chicago and go to school there. I tried a couple of times to have Bella see my way and let her know we needed to be together.

She wouldn't listen. She didn't know what she was doing to me. She was very stubborn like Charlie. She was blind. I was blind. "Go home." rang in my ears. So I went home like she told me too and still talked to her everyday like a moron. A truly devoted moron. God, I sound like a chick.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

I looked over at Charlie as he was watching the line in the water. He looked peaceful. I could tell he was happy. All day he's been eying me like he needed to say something. I wasn't going to ask. It was probably something I wouldn't like. He knew how I hated surprises. I could tell he was just waiting for the right moment to drop it on me. He was known to do that in the past.

Sneaky bastard! I would wait... I have all day. I'm in a middle of a lake... he's got me cornered.

Charlie's eyes looked a little tired; he probably didn't sleep well last night. His insomnia has gotten worse over the last year. It's bad since he needs his rest. Even though Charlie was sick and looked it, I could still see _her_ in him. They had the same color hair, rich chocolate brown. They had the same brown as mud eyes and the same little smile. God, this is agony looking at him. Her face just pops in my head. All these memories always pop into my mind and never stop coming. Some good memories… some bad. It's making me feel crazy. I didn't care. I wanted to stew in this little world I created. Nothing is getting better for me here in Forks. I accepted it.

Some memories were the worst.

Remembering back to when I saw _her_ with him that afternoon. My body convulsed with betrayal and rage and hurt at the thought.

I saw her as I was walking to the coffee shop I knew she would be at. She didn't know I saw her. I never told her. Alice, Bella's roommate convinced me to surprise her. I listened; it seemed like a great idea. Bella would be so excited to see me. Alice said that's all she ever talked about was me. Bella and her Edward. It was going to be the first time I saw her in a couple of months. Since the day she put us _on hold. _Thanks to Alice, who I have become great phone friends with since then, I was ready to get her back.

Alice felt sorry for me. She knew that Bella didn't mean all she said to me that day. Alice slipped away from Bella and caught up to me after I left their room. She took my cell number and told me she would keep in touch. And we did from that day on. Alice was a great friend. She saw the good in people. She saw I was hurt, but she swore never to talk to Bella about me. Alice wanted to help. Maybe be a guardian angel to the both of us.

"I still feel you're with her in everything she does." Alice gave me hope the first couple of months without Bella.

I never looked back that day.

It felt my life just stood still that day when I saw _her_ with him. I was watching her from across the street by the outdoor café. I ducked inside so she wouldn't see me and looked at her through the window. She was waiting outside of Star buck's with her arms crossed. It was fall so it was cooler outside. She had on boot cut jeans with a red corduroy fitted coat. Her long brown hair gently swayed in the breeze. Her skin looked beautiful… Peaches and cream. She looked more amazing then I could possibly imagine. It had been a while since I saw her last and looking at her was taking my breath away. I remembered her smell and the feel of her lips on mine. The memories flooded back with ease.

Her body moved from side to side. She always did that when she stood. It was cute. She had a small smirk on her face like she was remembering something. It made me smile. I love that smile. She would flash me that grin when I would say something funny or did something goofy. She blushed too. It warmed her face. She glowed. She couldn't have been more beautiful than right then.

She looked at her watch twice.

I looked at mine. 4:36pm?

I knew she was done with classes for the day. What is she waiting for? Alice told me she would be here today. Alice could keep a secret; she was on my side. Alice told me she was meeting someone, a classmate to discuss a project and I could casually interrupt them to sweep her off her feet. I was ready with a bouquet of green hydrangea and black magic roses. Bella's favorite.

She started to look down the opposite street. I had to duck down from the window so she wouldn't see me. She had looked right at me. I could have sworn she saw me. She just sighed and turned around again. I found this all too funny. She had no idea I was here. She turned back to the window I was in again and looked. This time she concentrated hard on me, still not seeing me, but it felt like she sensed me. I felt the pull in my stomach when she did this. Her brow started to crease and Bella looked sad for a moment. It made my heart wrench. I wanted to run to her and wipe away the sadness. No, I had to keep to my plan.

I was in town to surprise her. I had great news and I wanted to surprise her in hope she would take me back with open arms. Things would go back to normal… better than normal. I would have my Bella back.

But _I _wasn't the arms she was in that day. The tall dark headed guy came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist tightly hugging her and putting his hands in places mine should be. He nuzzled her neck and whispered something in her ear. She smiled and pushed him away laughing. She looked back towards my window. I almost took out the waiter as I dove for cover. He cursed me under his breath. I peaked up and Bella sighed with a slump of her shoulders. She turned and was now facing him. He was talking to her but I couldn't read his lips. He seemed too close to her face.

"She has ears dude, _back up,_" I whispered to myself.

The waiter still standing close by at another table laughed a small chuckle. I quickly growled at him and he left leaving me alone again. The "dude" as I was now calling him in my head was talking intently into Bella's ear. He got too close to her ear for my liking. I could see her head tilt to shake off his advances.

Good girl. Send this friend packing please. I have a job to do and a girl to get back.

The "dude" then took her face into his hands and looked into her eyes. By this time I was ready to walk right up to him and deck him. Hard. I had enough of this crap. Nuzzling, whispering, looking way too much at her... he's getting hit. But then, I saw her smile. It was the sweet smile she had given me many times. _My_ smile. She blushed right after. _She blushed._

I guess the he took that as a good sign and he leaned down to kiss her.

I knew very well what was going on. I couldn't watch. I wouldn't watch this happening. Anger filled my head. I walked outside, threw the bouquet of flowers to the ground and flipped over a table that was in way of getting to my car. I didn't dare look back. She had to hear the table flip taking with it the glasses and plates on it. I didn't stay to see what my damage had done. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I was sweating and my body felt cold. I couldn't breathe.

Wait, I had to turn around. She isn't with that guy. Or is she?

We talked almost every day since then. She loved me and I loved her. I was going to move to Chicago to be with her and go to school. She would be happy. I knew it. Who was that with her? Her new boyfriend? She never mentioned any "guy" she had met here. Then again why would she tell me anything about that? She knew that would kill me.

_It was killing me_.

I reached my car and hopped in. I started the engine and looked in my rear view mirror. "Don't look back Edward." I lied to myself because I was looking back. I looked down at the leather cuff I was wearing. She gave it to me for my birthday last year. It had an 'E' and 'B' imprinted on it. She had a matching one. What did that represent now? I started my car and drove off.

It was hard to stay in the lane of traffic as I sped to O'Hare. I had to leave. I wasn't staying here if she was with someone else.

_She told me months ago to go home._ I'm going.

Wait, why was I running? Go back and get her you idiot! What's wrong with you? She is _your_ Bella not his. She loves you. She just told you the other day on the phone. That was the whole reason why you got this stupid idea to surprise her in the first place.

He doesn't know her like I do. He had his hands all over her. It revolted me thinking of him touching her… kissing her. He probably was fucking her too. That thought made me want to gag.

I didn't know Bella anymore. Did I? Why am I not turning around right now?

I knew the answer already.

She _smiled_ at him the way she smiled at me. Her face was so happy to see him. I could see her eyes sparkle. She used to look at me like that. Would she have looked at me like that when I came up to surprise her? Maybe… I don't know. She was waiting for him now, not me. I was her past now, no longer her future. God, that fucking hurts.

"She smiled at him." I screamed over and over like a chant in my head. I was growing even more enraged with every mile closer to the airport. My tears started to well in my eyes. I felt them burn down my cheek.

"Hold it together!" I shouted. I started to bang my hands on the steering wheel almost throwing my rental into the next lane.

Breathe dammit. She has every right to be with someone else. Right?

But she told me she still loves me. That means something.

"_It is hard for me now to be without you Edward."_ she told me. _"I miss you like you would never_ _know."_ she said.

That gave me the idea to surprise her. I would only change my life for a couple of years to be with her. I would do that for love. She missed me and still loved me. Our relationship wasn't just a fling like she said to me months ago. It was real and pure. She knew it and Alice told me so. We could go back home when we graduate. Start a life. I knew she would like that idea.

Remembering back to September, when I came to visit she sat me down and told me to go home. She knew I wanted to stay and get a job in Chicago. She didn't want me there. She needed to find out what life was outside of Forks. That included being away from me. She had to be free for awhile.

"_I have too much of my mother in me,_" she said. "_Go home, Edward. Don't give up your life for me. I know you won't be happy here. Go to the academy. Do it. I want you to do it. I can't hold you back anymore."_ her voice trembled. _"You don't need to protect me. I'll be fine. I always am. Please do it for me. I love you."_

I thought of our conversation from that day in September over and over on the way to the airport. It was ringing in my ears. I knew she said all those things and didn't mean them. She just wanted me to stay home. It still hurt. But now, she found someone else. She moved on from me. Why do women have to be so damn confusing? It was never confusing before with Bella. The pain I was feeling right now compared nothing to what I felt before.

Fuck.

She fucking broke me.

She didn't love me. I couldn't take it anymore. I pulled off to the shoulder, probably cutting off a car next to mine. I didn't care. I put it in park and just screamed. I screamed so loud my chest hurt. I yelled and punched the roof of the car. I would never do this shit to her. I didn't realize I was holding my breath. I looked in the rear view mirror and noticed my face was bright red and tear stained.

Breathe Edward.

Just go home.

Stay home.

Give her what she wants. Maybe someday things will work out but she doesn't want you now. It was obvious.

I moaned breathlessly, "Bella…"

I was done.

I let out my breath with a final swoosh through my mouth. I still felt stifled.

_Breathe. Call home. Tell them you're coming home. They will get you. They love you._

_Go home, Edward. _

I shook my head and closed my eyes, squeezing them shut to try and get the memory out of my head. I was here with Charlie in his boat on my lake fishing for catfish I stocked four months ago I reminded myself. I had to stop thinking so much about that day and what I should have done different.

_If I would have stayed in Chicago… went after her… things would be different. _

_Stop thinking about it Edward you can't change the past._ I reasoned with myself.

I looked around the lake. It was still serene. The sun was still out. I looked down at my arm and noticed some freckles popping out. How long was I thinking about_ her_ and starring into space? Charlie wouldn't care. He enjoyed the silence. I felt the boat rock slightly as Charlie shifted his weight. I hoped he was feeling alright. We haven't been on the water long and I knew he wanted to stay out most of the day. It's been awhile for him.

"Charlie, are you okay? Do you want to go in out of the sun?" I asked looking him up and down trying to figure his answer.

He laughed, "Hell no! I'm in heaven right now Edward. What a stupid question," He smirked. Looking back into the water and then to me again. He still had a worried look about him.

"Okay okay," I waved my hand in front of me, surrendering. "Just checking, okay," I said defensively, shrugging my shoulders.

Charlie huffed, "I know you're concerned, but I'm fine. I haven't felt better in months and today is my day to bring home supper instead of you doing it for me," he winked as he reached over his tackle bag. He picked up a container and threw it at me. I looked down and noticed the lid came off a little and leaked some blood on my jeans. Aww, chicken livers. Charlie's favorite bait. I should've known.

"Hey old man, watch what you're doing! I don't want people to think your committing crimes out here," I joked. I was holding the small, bloody container and I must have had a disgusted look on my face because it made Charlie laugh out loud while his whole body shook.

"Shut up Masen and put some chicken liver on your hook. Catfish love that stuff. They smell it from a mile away, just beggin' to get hooked." he smiled and turned back to the water.

"Whatever, you're the boss." I stated matter-of-factly. Charlie was still the police chief of Forks, so technically still my boss.

He knew what he was doing so I didn't question much and just followed orders. I baited my hook and brought the rod to my side; in one fluid motion I cast my line into the water. Now we wait. Charlie wasn't much of a talker so I was destined to get lost in my own thoughts again. I tried not to think of _her_ right now. Frankly, it was too damn depressing and it just made me angry all over again.

Again I reminded myself, it's been five years. Get over it. Whatever Masen… Blah blah blah.

Be a man.

Maybe tonight after I drop Charlie off, I would give Jessica a call. Emmett and Jasper were working so I would have the house to myself. I needed a release. I needed to just forget for awhile. Jessica did a wonderful job at trying to get me to forget. It was like her mission sometimes.

_Jessica Stanley, this is your mission should you chose to accept it, fuck Edward Masen's brains out to numb the past. Maybe he might come around and love you. _

I winced to myself thinking about Jessica still loving me, but I knew she did and I'm a dick for still seeing her. I can't help it. I'm an asshole now. I used to be nice.

I looked at Charlie, he seemed peaceful but it looked like something was still on his mind. If he wanted to tell me anything he would on his own time. Right now he needed to just_._ No meds, no …_be_ doctors, no lonely house to look at. Usually, I would have invited Emmett on a trip like this but I felt Charlie just needed to be on the water and have some quiet.

Emmett was anything but quiet. That boy could get the dead riled up. Hmm, maybe that wasn't a good term to use thinking about Charlie… I chuckled to myself at the thought of dying. Charlie probably would have liked that joke about Emmett. He was so content and accepting of his own fate. I wasn't as accepting. I didn't want to lose Charlie. Not to the cancer. He fought hard for a long time. He wasn't giving up. He was just happy where he was at. In this boat fishing with me. He wasn't afraid to die. He was more concerned how _she_ would be when he was gone. Renee was gone and Bel- _she_ couldn't rely on her.

Emmett would've smacked me and told me, "Buck up Masen and let the man live or die already. Don't kick in the grave yet."

Let's just say that Emmett said what was on his mind and loudly. He had no filter, which was refreshing in a way. No bullshit to deal with and he never lied to you. Emmett was a guy's guy. He loved to hunt, fish, carouse for women and look for trouble, but hunting was his favorite thing to do especially bear and deer. Hunting bear was his specialty. Emmett would let the bear chase him, until he turned the tables and made them the prey. He has skills. I'm surprised he never got hurt, but he knew how to take care of himself.

Many times over the years of knowing Emmett he would come back with his hunt and cheer his own victory. I loved to hear the stories he told. One time he bragged about going straight up to this big grizzly and patting him on the head before the bear could even get a swing in. Emmett was so fast the bear missed. At the time I thought to myself, _what a joke; he's so lying._ The more I have come to know Emmett, I knew he would never lie; his word was good as gold. He was confident and cocky and he could still be annoying, especially living with the man.

I would like to think I'm a neat and orderly man. I clean up after myself, keep the house straight, take care of the basic house chores. Living with Emmett is like living with the bear he so enjoys hunting. He comes in a room and terrorizes it so it looks like a bear invaded the house. Shoes everywhere, leftover food on the table, newspapers on the floor, clothes thrown on the couch, these are all daily occurrences of the mighty grizzly Emmett McCarty.

His girlfriend Rosalie could care less about his cleanliness. She was a great girl to hang with. She pretty much was the female version of Emmett, just a lot easier on the eyes. Rose was tall and blond with a perfect body. At least as perfect as you can get compared to other people I admired. They had been together for a couple of years. He knew he was done for when Rose actually pinned him down while they were play wrestling on their fourth date. He called me up and said he found his wife. He was so in love and happy. I tried to be happy for him, but on the inside I could care less. I didn't want to hear the word love much less have to see it when I looked at Emmett's face when he was with Rose.

Of course I just smiled and said, "Hey man, that's awesome! I'm happy for you. When isthe wedding?"

He knew I was lying but he never said anything. I guess he didn't want me to ruin his high. Who could blame him? I wasn't a pleasant person to be around most of the time. I kept to myself and never went out of my way to really talk to people.

When I asked Emmett the other day if he cared if Charlie and I went on the lake alone, he just shrugged his shoulders and said "sure." Emmett usually loved trips like this, but he understood that I wanted to have Charlie to myself for awhile. He's easy going like that. He understood that there wasn't much time left. Charlie didn't mind in the least that Emmett stayed behind. He thought at times Emmett could be exhausting to be around. He loved him anyway. Emmett is entertaining to say the least.

Emmett and I both knew Charlie loved to fish and we knew that Charlie couldn't go back into the open ocean again. The ocean was too rocky and unstable. The lake was calm and quiet. Charlie's body couldn't handle the motion right now. He was frail and thin. He looked like half of his former self. Everyone knew it wouldn't be too long before he went. I didn't like to think of it. It was too hard to imagine he wouldn't be in my life… or _her_ life. I shuddered at the thought of seeing his body with no life, lying in a coffin. He has so many times saved me from my troubles. Why can't I save him now? I guess I just have to stay strong and not let him see the sadness that I feel when I look at him. It was hard. His clothes hung off of his body. His hair got thinner and the circles under his eyes got darker every day.

I scratched my head in frustration, starting to get a headache. I only get them when I have one of my really bad days. The days when everyone gets too close or makes me think too much. Charlie looked tired. He brought his line in and inspected the hook.

"Damn fish stole my bait again!" he snorted taking the hook into is hands, "Aren't they supposed to bite down on the thing not eat around the hook?" he chuckled. Charlie held up his hands like he was going to catch a ball, "Livers, please."

I realized what he meant and reached down to my feet to pick up the mess of a container he threw at me awhile ago. I made sure this time the lid was on and no blood was going to fly out. I tossed him the container hoping he could catch the thing.

He did, but fumbled with it in his fingers. "Thanks, Edward." he said with a sad smile. Taking out a chicken liver from the container he maneuvered it around the hook. He kept on dropping it when it slipped off his hook. His hands were trembling as he worked. I wanted to help, but he insisted on doing it himself when I tried to help him.

"I'm not that weak that I can't bait my own hook, Edward," he told me with a wink going back to his chore.

He was still fiercely strong and independent. And really really stubborn. So I waved my hand, rolled my eyes, and let him go about it his way. No sense in arguing with him. I was never going to win. I never won when it came to the Swans. Never. I had a weakness for them.

Charlie was like my father. They _were_ best friends after all. They knew each other since childhood. They grew up as best friends and complete opposites, but it didn't matter to them. They didn't care what people thought of them. They were just the rowdy Masen and Swan boys running around town. As I so often heard about them at least. My father would tell me stories of him and Charlie when they were young. They loved to fish and fix up their old beat up cars. My father told me of the first day Charlie got that old Chevy pickup.

He was so proud of it. "It was a classic and deserved to be brought back to life," he said.

They spent the whole summer getting that truck back into running order. They must have done a good job because Charlie still had it and it's what brought us and the boat here today.

Charlie finally got the liver on his hook and set forth to cast at his side. I heard the whine of the reel as he left go of the release into the water. The familiar "plop" sounded as the bait hit the water. He reeled back his line a couple of times and sat back in the chair. He looked up to the sky and breathed a steady breath before turning to me.

Great, here it comes, what I have been waiting for. He's going to speak his mind and it's probably not something I want to hear. I just felt it through my whole body. I grimaced and avoided eye contact. Looking behind me, I could see my house in the distance. Then I heard Charlie clear his throat.

Drum roll… …

"Edward?" he said looking morose.

I winced to myself. He wants to talk. And he picked the perfect place to do it. Some place where he knew I couldn't run away or hide. He did this on purpose. He trapped me and he knew it.

_Clever old man._

"Yeah Charlie, what do you need? Something to drink… eat?" I asked. That's good, change his train of thought. Get him thinking about something else…

"No Edward, I'm fine really. I just wanted to talk to you about something that's come up," he said as he reeled his line in from the water. This must be something important. He stopped fishing.

Oh Fuck… …

"Oh yeah, really what's that?" I asked dryly, not trying to sound too interested in the conversation.

"Well Edward, I know you don't like talking about Bel- _her_, but I need you to help me and it involves Bell… er… I mean _her_," he said, looking into my eyes intently.

Fuck!

Double Fuck!

He never brings her up… ever. The only time I hear about her is when she is going to be in town and it's her turn to take care of Charlie. That's when I get the hell out of dodge and come back when he calls me to let me know when she left.

He cleared his throat again and looked pained. "I need you to do me a favor. I don't know the whole history with you two and I really don't want to know everything. But you're the only one I trust to help me Edward," he said as he drew his rod from his side and placed it at the bottom of the boat.

The bait disappeared, jokingly. Fish stole the bait again.

I could feel my palm start to sweat. This is not good. He wants me to do something. Something most likely very uncomfortable. I scratched my head and ran my fingers through my hair. I tried to not think or look at Charlie. I looked down at the blood stain on my pants from the spilled chicken livers.

It was in the shape of Africa.

Or it looked like it.

I could go to Africa right now and get the fuck out of this place. The dream of running away filtered through my head. Wild fantasies of going on a safari started to spring to mind. Giraffes and elephants roaming the plains. Hippos and crocodiles swimming in the waters. I was trying to block out thoughts of real reality. The long prairie grasses flowing in the wind, all the while hiding the sly pride of lions as they waited for their next meal. The predator stalking its prey. Ready to pounce and claim victory.

"Edward, can you look at me. I need you right here," Charlie said as he pointed his two fingers at his eyes, signaling me to pay attention.

"What do you need me to do Charlie?" I breathed out, looking defeated I'm sure. I was the prey and Charlie was the predator ready to conquer. Claim his victory.

"I need to you to bring her home for me." he stated plainly. Not looking sorry for asking at all. In fact he was telling me, not asking. His tone said it and his face matched it. He looked at me with sincere eyes.

"Bring her home?" I asked. I think I knew what he meant, but I wasn't helping him out in his request. I knew I wasn't going to Chicago and helping her move home. It was enough that, with graduation looming, she would return to Forks. I would have to deal with that, but bringing her home?

No way in hell.

"I need you to help bring Bella home, Edward," he started. I brought my hand up to my face and started to rub my temple. The headache was now pounding hard.

"She rented a moving truck, but I don't trust her driving all the way home by herself. She has to tow her car as well. She's coming home for good, remember how I told you that a couple of months ago?" He looked at me while wiping some sweat off his brow.

Yeah, I remembered. I really remembered when he told me. I did some stupid things after he told me about her coming home.

_I can't believe I went to her then._

_I had to see her._

_I had to touch her._

I couldn't think of that now. I had to focus on letting him down gently. There's no way I wanted to spend fucking days driving with her all alone in a freaking moving van back to Forks.

"Charlie, I don't thi-" he cut me off.

"Edward." Charlie's voice was louder now, covering mine. "She got engaged… … to Jake."

My heart stopped.

One, two, three… no beats.

I'm having a heart attack. My head started to spin. I felt sweat built on my upper lip. I rubbed my face with my hand and felt my pulse. I was still alive. I tried to breathe but nothing was going in my lungs. I'm having an attack. Right here in the middle of a goddamn lake and I can't do anything about it.

I looked at Charlie and started to open my mouth.

He stopped me again. "Edward, I only trust _you_… … Bring her home to me."

I could only feel Charlie had other alternative motives.

**Okay, don't hate Bella. There are many things at play that both Edward and Bella have no control over. More explanations are coming in future chapters.  
**

**Leave me sugar.**


	2. Edward the Predator

**A/N**

**Wow, I didn't think I would get any reviews and the few I got were great! I appreciate it.**

**Warning, there is mature stuff ahead.**

**Also thanks to my lovely Beta Annabella Laurie **

**S Meyers is the owner and I'm just the renter. **

**Special thanks to Izzzyy for going back over my these chapters and correcting some of my mistakes  
**

**Chapter 2 – Edward the Predator**

_**Edward**_

I let Charlie off at home and helped him inside. He was tired from being in the sun all day and no doubt a little stressed that I had a fucking panic attack right in front of him. He didn't even get to catch any fish today. Wasn't that the whole point of the day? To get Charlie out of the house so he could fish and be happy. I knew now that his purpose was totally different. He wanted to trap me so I would listen to him. He planned it this way. I didn't even see it coming.

_Clever bastard. _

I told him I would think about going to Chicago to get _her_. I think Charlie understood, but he didn't want me to think too long and hard. The end of the semester was next week and _she_ wanted to come back the day after finals.

"Edward, I want you to call me. Think it over tonight, and call me _tonight_ when you decided yes," Charlie commanded. I didn't think I really had a choice in the matter.

Walking Charlie in the house, the smell blew into my face. It smelled of vanilla and strawberry. It smelled of_ her._ All too familiar and all too much like home. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. This smell always made me feel better. It brought back the good memories.

I helped Charlie into his chair and he flipped on the television. I stood next to him just mindlessly watching whatever he turned on. Some kind of monster truck pimp out your ride show. It was crap, but Charlie loved that shit. He would watch until the baseball game came on.

My headache was still there. Pounding insensately… never relenting.

God… I knew I had to do it for Charlie… go to Chicago. I knew I couldn't let him down. I have to face _her _and be with _her_ for days. She was going to want to talk. I wasn't really ready to talk. I knew we couldn't sit there in silence the whole way. That would be fucking agony. I would have to put up the 'Edward shield' I so proudly formed to protect myself. She would see right through it. I knew _her_. She would try to make me talk. I need to have reasons to hold her to a distance.

I was searching my brain for excuses and lies. I have to hold _her_ back far enough so I won't get hurt again. I also didn't want the old shit to pour out and I don't do or say something I would regret.

_Remember, numb to the world, Edward. Numb to _her_._

I felt my arm getting pushed and poked. I looked down to my side at Charlie who was glaring up at me with watchful eyes.

"Edward, can you get me a beer and get the hell out of here?" His voice was cold. He huffed, waiting for me to move from my spot.

I shifted my stance and looked him squarely in the eye. "I'm not getting you a beer." I placed my hands on my hips and continued. "You don't need it. You need to keep yourself hydrated from being in the sun all day," I stammered.

I went to the kitchen to fetch him a glass of water before he could protest. When I walked back and handed it to him, he just glared at me like I was holding a piece of shit in my hand. _Stubborn old bastard. _The Swans are a stubborn bunch, that's for sure.

"I don't want water. I want a damn beer." He began to stand up bracing himself on the arms of his chair before wobbling a little and falling back down into his chair, defeated. He didn't have any more strength today and most likely would be sleeping in his chair tonight. Charlie sighed. "I just want something to make me feel a little normal, like the old me," he said as he rubbed his head with is hand, looking frustrated and beat. I didn't want him feeling this way; it made my heart ache to see him act so vulnerable. I rolled my eyes, took in a deep breath and pushed it out hard just to show him my frustration.

I give up… if the man wants a beer then he will have a damn beer.

"Fine, but don't get lit tonight. I don't want to deal with your hung-over ass tomorrow," I said in jest. I was only relenting two beers. He wasn't moving from his spot and I knew he couldn't go get more if he wanted to so I wasn't really worried about the being lit part. I had to lighten his mood. I hated seeing Charlie in pain. I cracked a smile at him, telling him without words that he won me over. He knew it too.

"Thanks, son," he said looking back at the television with a small smile on his face.

I went to the kitchen, got his medicine for the next day and laid it on the table next to his chair.

"Try not to wash these down with beer. Use the water." I eyed him looking for his understanding.

He waved me out with his hand clutching the remote.

"Go home," he said with a sinister smile. "You got a lot of thinking to do."

I gave him an angry look and turned around to leave. As I was walking out of the house, I turned back to get one last look at Charlie. I saw him bow his head and hold his hands to each side of his face; he was stressed and tired. Today had been too much for him. I instantly felt incredibly guilty. I couldn't say no this man. I had to help him get_ her_ back safe. I felt the _need_ to get _her_ back safe. _For Charlie._ It was going to be a pain in the ass but it had to be done. He needed _her_ and I was his only aid. I had to do this one last thing for Charlie.

Return his heart back to him. Only, it was killing mine in the duration.

I needed to think for awhile and relieve some fucking built up stress. I thought I would go swimming to clear my head. The lake held some unbelievable stress relievers for me. Whenever I needed to just get away from the crappy annoying people or the thoughts of _her, _I headed to my lake. That's what I'll do; I'll go for a swim. Get _her _out of my head. Get Charlie out of my head. Get my parents out of my head. Because I knew if my dad was here, he would be telling me to go to Chicago too. It's the right thing to do. Bring _her_ home so Charlie can rest.

I got into my car and pulled out of the driveway. I looked back at the small house. It looked so empty and lifeless. Not how it used to be. She brought it back to life when she was here. Even when I wasn't around when she visited, I could feel the difference when I walked back into the house and knew she breezed through shortly before me. The vanilla and strawberry smell was stronger than ever. It made me want to lick the air and hunger for more of the familiar taste of her skin, the smell of her hair, the feel of her body.

I have to get out of here before I go nuts. I could only take so much of my mind before I felt like I was going to blow up. When have I ever let things get to me like this? I stepped on the gas and hurled the car forward, speeding away from the good fucking memories and the damn vanilla and strawberries.

I was driving through town and passed by the diner, Newton's Diner where Jessica worked.

_Hmm, Jessica._

She sounds good right now. My mouth watered at the thought of her naked and a little sweaty, sprawled out on my bed, looking all too inviting. I could taste the salt on her skin in my mind. She can help me feel distracted for a couple of hours. I felt the asshole side start to emerge as I looked for her car in the parking lot. I felt my cold demeanor and anxiety start to melt away. The asshole was rearing its ugly head. I drove slowly now, stalking the diner, looking in the windows, seeing if she was in there.

_The animalistic urge to devour my prey was in full force. I made the decision to attack my hunt._

_She could numb me really good tonight._

Aghh, I feel like a prick.

I didn't care. She knew the rules and was okay with it.

I dug into my pocket and grabbed my phone. I pulled over to the side of the road still in view of the front of the diner. I saw her car there so I knew she was working. She probably would be getting off around seven and if she was good she would be _getting off_ around nine as well. I snickered, "God, I'm a fucking asshole." What happened to me? I used to give a shit about people.

I wiped away my guilt, dialed her all too familiar number, and put the phone to my ear. I looked at the window of the restaurant trying to see if she would come into view. It rang four times before I saw her walk to a table and pour coffee to an old couple.

Voice mail! Jesus!

She probably had her phone on vibrate and didn't feel it. I dialed again as I watched her talk to the couple. They looked like a happy pair. No one I have ever seen around. They must be visiting. They smiled at her and she smiled back with a small laugh.

Ahhh… Christ… answer your phone Jess! I pushed send again.

One ring

Two rings

Three rings

She looked down at her apron and reached into her pocket. She took out her phone looking at the caller id.

I whispered to myself, "It's me, _your mission should you chose to accept it_." I was bad and I knew it.

Four rings. "_Operation, fuck Edward Masen's brains out_." I was chuckling now.

Pick up… … Pick up…

I watched as she looked at her phone and back to the couple excusing herself and walking over the counter. She smiled as she looked down at the phone. There was something to that smile that made me smile. She was sweet and tender at the moment. I felt a warmth go over my face. She looked tired from working, but she still looked beautiful. I felt the asshole melt away a smidgen.

"Hello," she said nicely, still with that smile on her face. She looked expedient. She knew why I was calling.

Here it goes…

"Hey, how are you?" I wondered if she cared I was calling. I brushed the hair out of my eyes and looked back to her face. She still had that smile on her face. Damn that girl for looking to cute, I'm really going to feel like an asshole.

"I'm okay, maybe a little tired, but I'm at work so it goes with the turf." She sat down at the bar stool and looked at her watch.

"I get off at 7 so I'm almost done here." She breathed a small sigh. "I was going home after this. Why what's up?" I saw the smirk slowly cross her mouth. She knew what was _up. _She was fucking toying with me. I could read her face. She was trying to lure me in. She had no idea. The predator is always smarter than the prey.

Time to conquer… claim victory.

"Why don't you stop at my place in a while…" My mind all of sudden drew a blank… "I can… a… make you… a… some dinner or… something," I said before I could think of what was coming out of my mouth.

Wait, _what did I just say? _

I shook my head. _I asked her to dinner_. What am I thinking? This was breaking my own rules. I never did that. It felt like word vomit spilling out of my mouth. Our dates were just sex filled. No eating required. At least not eating food.

I said it and now it was just out there. _Fuck. _Now I have to make her dinner. That damn panic attack I had on the boat messed up my better judgment. It screwed with my thinking I know it. Not enough oxygen to the brain. Yeah, that's it… brain damage.

Thanks Charlie! Thanks for fucking up the only thing I could use to get Bella off my mind. Maybe I can salvage what damage I just did. She could say no. This was really unlike me to ask her to dinner. I haven't done that since we were a couple. The thought ran through my head again. I rolled my eyes and pumped my fist into my thigh.

Great! She's thinking I want more than just the sex.

I eyed her reaction to what I just said. She shifted her weight on the bar stool and looked out the window, right towards my car, and she knew my car. Not many people in Forks drive silver Volvos.

"Are you outside right now?" she asked squinting out the window. She started to get up and move to the door.

Oh fucking wonderful! I was caught! My mind was still mush while I searched for something to say.

"Uhhh… … yeah, I was just driving by and saw your car in the parking lot," I lied.

I was stalking her and with full intention to lure her in. _My prey. _But I think I really messed up my original intentions with the dinner invitation.

She looked out the door and put her hand on her hip, "Oh, so you were just driving by and wanted to know if I wanted _dinner_?" She raised one eye brow in disbelief while tapping her foot on the floor. I saw her bite her lip. I knew then that she would say yes to dinner.

"I mean, that sounds good. I'm tired of the same old stuff here. And if you want to cook for me then I can kindly accept," she said as she brought her finger to her mouth gently biting down.

Damn it, she was playing me too. This is not the predator and prey scenario I was picturing. She still looked ridiculously sexy standing there with pure lust in her eyes, wanting me, needing me.

My palms were sweating. What the hell is this girl doing to me right now? I never felt this weak when I wanted Jess to come over. I could tell she sensed it in my voice and catching me sitting outside the diner wasn't helping things. I'm convinced my mind is now in a veggie state due to the panic attack on the boat. Brain damage. _Am I drooling out of my mouth? _I felt my lips to wipe off any offending wetness. There was none, of course.

I started this and I can't go back now. _Operation fuck Edward Masen's brains out to numb the past_ had to be followed through and was in full effect.

Time to take back the hunt, she will be my_ prey._

"I'm on my way home and I thought you could come over tonight. I guess I can…" I stalled.

Good God, what the hell am I going to cook? I racked my brain quickly for the contents of my fridge. I had chicken and some shrimp. I can grill and we can eat outside. The weather will be nice tonight and maybe I can light a fire in the pit on the patio.

Gah!! I was doing it again... freaking word vomit. Good thing I didn't say it out loud. I was making this all too romantic in my head and I couldn't let it get that way.

I processed my thoughts and sputtered out, "I guess we can have… uhhh… some chicken and some shrimp. I can grill it on the… grill… or something. I think I have a potato or two if Emmett didn't eat them already." I laughed lightly. I sound like a fucking teenager asking a girl on a first date. I was not mentioning the fire in the pit on the patio. She would probably think I was trying to get her to come back to me or something.

Is that what I'm trying to do? Get back with Jessica? _Operation Fuck Edward Masen's brains out to_ _numb the past _was turning into something entirely not planned.

What the hell am I doing? I'm really not following my rules, but I was in too deep now and I couldn't be rude to Jessica. Maybe I will light a fire and we could just sit and talk about old times. She was nothing but loving to me and I owed her for treating her like shit.

Just keep it casual and make sure she knows it's just tonight and nothing more.

"But whatever you want to do, if you're tired that's fine, I understand," I said trying to sound coolly.

"No, I'm fine… and not too tired. I can come by in a little bit for dinner and whatever _else_." She was still biting her finger as she swayed away from the door and back to the counter.

"Okay… great that sounds good. I guess I will see you at my house. You know to just come in." I was really nervous all of a sudden. I saw her nod as she said a quick goodbye and hung up the phone, giving me a wave out of the window as she turned around towards the kitchen door.

I exhaled and hit the side of my head with my palm shaking my head. What the hell was that? Jess was coming for dinner. I shook my head again, put the car into drive and headed out onto the road. Not really remembering where I was going but it was in the direction of my house. I just needed to clear my head. Obviously I was fucking insane now and needed to relax. The lake kept calling my name. I pushed the car to its limit and arrived home in minutes.

I drug myself out of the car and couldn't help but laugh at myself. This morning was just going to be any other day. Go out on the lake with Charlie and go home. Then _she _had to invade my mind again and Charlie had to claim his victory. Now Jessica was turning me into a 16 year old virgin on homecoming night. How did my asshole plan of conquering my prey turn around all too fast, making me the hunted and Jessica the fucking stealth lioness? I was weak and I didn't care.

The moon was really bright above my body as I lay floating on the water. The coldness made me shiver but I liked the way it made me feel alive again. This was clearing my head. I don't think I even swam when I got in the lake. I walked in and swirled around towards the deep until I was just treading water, keeping myself afloat as I waved my arms in and out of the water. I felt like I was always just _treading water._ Not getting anywhere, just staying stationary, trying to keep my head above water enough to keep from drowning.

I stopped kicking and let myself drift down until I was submerged. I held my breath for the longest time, seeing how long I could last. I started to count down the time.

One Mississippi

Two Mississippi

Three Mississippi

I think I got to fifteen Mississippi's when_ her_ face flashed in my head.

Bella was waiting for me out in the meadow behind my parent's house. I looked at her face as I walked up to her and she just beamed excitement. She had a plan that day and I was the guinea pig. I really didn't mind, _with her plan I really didn't mind._

We were both fourteen and just entering high school. We grew up being best friends. We did everything together. It was Bella and I all the time. If people saw one of us alone they would ask where the other was. Our parents were best friends so we were really just thrown together our whole life, but that was okay. We fit together and it seemed right.

I moved towards her, still looking at her, at her angelic face. She had a silly embarrassed grin slapped on her face. She was going to chicken out, I know it. She wasn't going to be able to go through with it. This was going to be her first kiss and she wanted me to give it. I slid my way to her side, but far enough away so I knew she wouldn't feel uncomfortable. I could smell her sweet perfume of vanilla and strawberries. I loved that smell. It was intoxicating to say the least.

She started to fidget in place and play with the buttons on her shirt. She looked down to the ground and started to whistle a silent tune. I watched her lips as she blew out her breath trying to push the song out, failing miserably to make much sound. Her lips were beautiful. Full and tinted pink. I dreamt about those lips for a long time. I parted my own lips and couldn't stop staring at her. Bella on the other hand, avoided all eye contact; I could tell she was nervous. I had to break the ice or else she might back out and I'm not letting that happen.

I whispered, "If you don't want to do this…" She flipped her head up so fast I stepped back.

"No! No!" She stared intently at me. "I want to do this. It was my idea, right. We both need to have our first kiss." She stopped playing with her buttons and let her arms hang to her side, confident but still unsure of herself.

She turned right in front of me, just inches from my body. I felt the butterflies start to take control of my chest. My hands twitched at my side wanting to place them on her hips, but I couldn't move. I was stuck and scared. We have never been like this before. It was so easy to be with Bella up until now. Now I had no idea what to do. She wanted our first kisses to be with each other. God, I wanted this for so long. She was clueless.

She inhaled and calmly breathed out, "Edward, you're like my brother so we won't feel anything. It's just practice until the real thing comes."

_A brother?!_

Ouch! It hurt a little when she said that. She had to see the look on my face when she said_ brother_. I had to have some sort of pained expression, but I really tried hard to hide it.

I secretly had feelings for Bella for some time now. I knew she didn't see me that way so I just kept my secret to myself. Rose is the one who got Bella thinking she needed to have her first kiss. Rose told her she needed to be experienced for all the high school boys. Rose just got her first kiss and was blabbing on and on about it to Bella. Of course Bella wanted to try it out. That's when she got her big idea and wanted me to help her out. I couldn't say no. Heck, I wouldn't say no. I had to act cool about it. Not show too much excitement when she brought it up, but inside my heart was on fire, raging through my body. It woke up all my sexual urges and fantasies. I jacked off three times that day before meeting her in the meadow.

She looked so sweet standing so close to me. I could see her chest heave up and down. She was breathing really deep and fast. I looked down again at her chest not being able to tear my eyes away. She was wearing a button down_ tight_ cardigan that hugged her breasts in the most perfect way. Her jeans were snug and hugged low on her hips. I could look at her all day, but I had other things on my mind. I had to give her the first kiss she always dreamed of and that was a lot of pressure.

I was still at a loss of words when she broke the silence, "Edward?" she breathed

I looked up at her brown eyes and watched them change from innocent to heavy lidded and full of lust.

"Yes, Bella?" I questioned.

_Please don't back out now. Please don't back out now._

She placed her hands on my chest and stepped closer, pulling me in to her body. My chest was touching hers now and I felt the pull of my body to hers. My breath hitched as my hand instinctively wrapped themselves around her waist. I have been this close to her before but never in this way. My senses were working like crazy. Her touch, her smell, the sound of her breathing so close to my face was overpowering my restraint. I had to pace myself and not move too fast. This was special and we were going to remember this forever.

I closed my eyes and swallowed the massive lump in my throat. She probably heard my loud gulp.

I still couldn't talk. I wanted to say so much. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her and I really really wanted this for so long. How I thought of her all the time and constantly stared at her because she is so beautiful. I wanted to say I loved her smell and the way she made me laugh. But I was the nervous one, not her. I had no idea what I was doing. She was taking control and definitely not holding back.

She tightened her grip around my shirt taking me prisoner. "Edward, I want you to kiss me," she whispered. "You're the only one I ever wanted to give me my first kiss." I still didn't respond. I just stared at her with amazement that her body was so close to mine. She looked shy now and cast her eyes down to her hands on my chest. She quivered a little and I thought for a second she was going to back away. She was taking my silence as rejection. I needed to talk fast and now.

_Say something your idiot! Make her feel that you want this too._

I took one hand from around her waist and reached up to hold her cheek raising her face to look into my eyes. Her cheek was warm and soft just like I imagined them to be. She parted her lips and breathed deep. I rubbed my thumb in circles on her cheek, still not saying anything. Her eyes were intense and searching for mine to tell her… anything.

I couldn't take it anymore. I raised my other hand to cup her other cheek and looked at her lips, leaning in slowly. I parted her lips with mine and I instantly felt a surge of energy like lighting was pouring from my lips to hers. She took her hands off my chest and felt down my torso until they found themselves resting on my hips. She started playing with the waistband of my jeans.

I carefully teased my tongue at her lips, hoping in the love of god she would let me in, and she did with full acceptance. Our breathing grew stronger with every kiss passed between us. I took one of my hands and snaked it down the side of her body to feel her back and press her into my hips more. My thoughts were going crazy of how I wanted to throw her down on the ground and feel every inch of her body. I pressed her harder into me seeing if she would react by going along or push me away. Her breath hitched and she let out a small moan, which drove me even crazier. I reached my other hand to the back of her head to guide my kisses into hers.

I never felt like this with Bella before. She was taking over my whole mind and I wanted her so badly. She took her hands at my waist band and lifted my shirt a little to expose my skin. She rubbed my sides and stuck her fingers inside my jeans just to tease. I couldn't help but grunt when I felt her touch on my naked skin. It only made my hard on grow more and more. She had to feel me now as I pressed her ever closer to my hips. Our kisses still intense as our tongues played and teased each other.

I was in heaven. I had literally died and gone to heaven and Bella was the one who was on the killing spree. All be it in the most fantastic way you could imagine.

I really wanted to touch her and was trying to work up the nerve in my mind when I felt her fingers leave my waist band and move themselves up to my chest. She pushed her hands against my chest, breaking our kiss. We were both gasping for air and dizzy from teenaged lust. I looked at her eyes and they no longer looked the eyes of a young girl but of a woman. I had to look like an animal ready to attack her with no regret. I was pissed she stopped but I wouldn't let her know that.

This is when I finally found my voice. "Bella… why did you stop?" I asked. Did she think I wanted to stop? I gave her the best bedroom eyes a fourteen year old could. I wanted her to see I really wanted more. Maybe I did too much, crossed the line. I kissed her too hard or used too much tongue.

She peered at me and looked down at her hands embarrassed. "I don't know." She looked up at the sky avoiding my eyes. "I didn't want to stop."

Whew! She was okay with what I was doing. Thank God!

She doubted herself and it showed on her face. She couldn't look me in the eye. She didn't know what to do. She let her carnal knowledge lead her with the kiss and now she didn't trust how she felt.

I released my aggressive hold of her body and rested my hands on her hips again, leaving a small space between our bodies. This seemed to make her more comfortable, but she didn't pull away from my embrace. She played with my shirt, rubbing circles with her fingers, still not looking at me. I had to know what she was thinking.

"Bella, please don't think badly of me. I'm sorry I shouldn't have kissed you so much." I winced at my words because they were a lie. I wasn't sorry I kissed her so much. I couldn't help myself. I knew now things were going to change between us and I sensed she felt the same thing.

I wasn't scared though. She looked like she was regretting the kiss.

Her eyes finally found mine. "Edward, you didn't kiss me t_oo much_," she whispered. "You kissed me just right, the way I always dreamt of being kissed." She looked down again. "I want more, but I feel weird now. I tried telling myself I wouldn't feel anything with you. It was just a kiss, no biggie."

I blinked, "What do you mean you tried to tell yourself you wouldn't feel anything with me?"

"When Rose told me I needed to practice and get ready for all the high school boys… my only thought was that I only wanted to kiss _you_ and _only you_." She blushed bright red and her hands started to slip from my chest to her sides.

"I thought you would never see me _that_ way." She started to pull away from me now. My hands were still trying to grasp her hips to keep her close and not let her go.

I blinked again, speechless.

Then it dawned on me. Bella had feeling for me too. She was hiding it like I was hiding from her. This was an act; she really wanted to kiss_ me_. How long had she felt this way?

She was fully out of my arms now and stepping away from me. I could feel the ache in my chest from her missing body in my arms, but I just stood there. I felt like I was standing in cement, unable to move, to reach out to her. She started to turn around and it looked like she was going to walk away.

_Shit Edward, the girl of your dreams just basically told you she wants you._

_MOVE… SPEAK… DO SOMETHING!_ I shouted in my head.

I broke through my trance and blurted out the first thing that came to mind…

"I love the way you smell," I choked. Ahh, Jesus, that sounded lame.

She stopped her back to me, not moving. I continued.

"I look at you and I instantly want to be next to you. I feel this weird pull thing in my chest when you're with me. I can't help but think of you when I'm not with you. I can talk to you forever and never get bored. When you touch me I feel electric currents run through my body… or something." I was going on and on and Bella still had her back to me not moving. I stepped closer to her so I was right behind her, level with her ear, I whispered, "I think you're the most beautiful person in the world and I loved kissing you. I didn't want it to stop. When I pictured who I wanted my first kiss to be with, all I ever pictured was you, Bella," I confessed. "I do see you in _that way_… I always have."

She spun around so fast, crashing into my arms, making me trip over my feet and falling to the ground, taking us both down. We looked at each other and couldn't contain our laughter as we hugged one another. It was perfect. She knew then that I would always look at her in _that way_ forever.

_Forever…_

***

_I need air!_

_Get to the surface!_

My body jetted itself out of the water and I splashed my arms, keeping myself afloat. My chest burned from holding my breath so long. I gasped for air trying to fill my lungs to reclaim what little bit of life I could force down them. I got lost in my thoughts again and doing it under water was not the wisest thing to do. Panting, I turned around to see the shore with my house in the background.

Shit! _The pseudo date. _

I looked at my watch. "Fuck…" Jess was going to be here soon and I still had to take a shower and get dinner started.

"Why did I invite her to dinner?" Rolling my eyes at myself, I started the swim to the dock to get ready for my 'date.'

The shower was starting to steam up the bathroom. I like it hot. I liked the way the burn felt on my skin. I looked at my reflection in the mirror; I haven't shaved in two weeks and my hair was a mess. _She_ always liked it when I was clean-shaven. I looked at my razor and just left it where it rested. I'm not shaving; I'll grow a ZZ Top beard for all I care. My eyes looked tired and a little bloodshot, probably from all the brain damage today from my panic attack and lack of oxygen from being underwater. I didn't care how I looked. Jess didn't mind my beard and whacked out hair. She liked me scruffy. The good thing about Jess was that I didn't need to impress her. She was comfortable with me just being near her. She told me she felt safe when she was with me. Sometimes I felt that same urge to protect her like I did with Bella.

Hmmph… am I have fucking revelations here?

I wiped away my thought. Stupid brain damage!

I stepped into the shower and just stood under the hot stream of water. It relaxed my body and felt good on my achy muscles. I just needed to chill out and not think for awhile until I had to call Charlie to tell him I was going to Chicago. I knew he would be happy I was going. He also knew I really didn't want to go and was just doing it for him, but he knew he got me when he told me _she_ was marrying Jake.

When I heard him say those words… _"She got engaged… to Jake."_

I wanted to jump right off the boat and drown myself then and there, but I couldn't show Charlie that I felt that way. He trusted me and wanted me to protect _her_… to bring _her_ home to him.

I asked why the douche Jake wasn't bringing her home. Charlie simply said, "Jake is staying in Chicago for awhile to finish out his internship. He will come after he finds a job up here."

I thought that sounded like bullshit. What kind of guy doesn't take care of his fiancée? He should be the one brining her home, not me. He should be the one protecting _her_, but Charlie insisted it was something out of his hands. I wasn't going to argue.

I already knew what kind of a guy Jake was. A fucking douche. Now not only do I have to deal with the fact that _she_ is moving home, but her douche fiancée was going to be living here too. Maybe I was being jealous. Hell, I knew I was being jealous. He wasn't good enough for her. I don't even think I was good enough for her now. I wasn't even good enough for Jess, but she stuck around.

I changed so much since_ she_ left. I don't even think I could be the same person in _her_ eyes anymore. I fucked things up too much. _She_ fucked things up too. We were worlds apart now and Charlie was throwing us back together. I think Charlie was doing this on purpose, trying to make things right for us before he died. He just didn't know everything that happened between us. How could he? I'm sure she didn't tell him anything about the last time I saw Bella.

My skin was starting to turn red from the heat of the water. I closed my eyes to fight away the memory of the last time I saw _her_. Shaking my head, I put my hands on the shower wall in front of me. Letting the water hit my face and chest. I couldn't keep her out of my head. It was only four months since I last saw her. New Years Eve in Chicago to be exact.

I had to see_ her_ then. I had to feel _her_, smell _her_.

Charlie told me when I went to help him the day before New Years that Bella was planning to move home in April, after graduation. She would be here for good then.

Maybe I could make things right. Maybe, after all this time, I could forgive myself for feeling all the bad things I felt towards Bella after my parents died. I no longer blamed her for their deaths. I was stupid for such a long time. I knew then that I had to go to her and just see her. I had the overwhelming urge to touch her sick and see if the electricity was still there… o see if we still fit. Then, maybe, there _might_ be a chance once she was home that we could fix all the bad stuff and start over.

I phoned Alice that same day and told her I was coming to town. I asked her where they would be that night. She was reluctant to tell me; she didn't want me to stir up old feelings and cause a scene. I pleaded with her before she finally gave in. They were going to Delaney's bar that night to celebrate New Years. I thanked Alice, but I knew she wanted to tell me more. I cut her off too fast, in a hurry to see Bella. I couldn't wait; I had to see her as soon as possible. It was like my whole body was moving in the speed of light. I felt the pull again and I was following it.

I didn't look back and I didn't second-guess myself.

I smiled to myself thinking of the first glance she gave me when I went to Delaney's. I stood in the back of the bar by the bathrooms just looking out over the whole bar. The long bar was to my right and it traveled the length of the entire building. To my left, the room was packed with tables and booths, all filled to the brim of people celebrating the New Year.

I arrived early that evening so I could find a good place to hide so I wasn't seen. Alice was the only one that knew I was going to be here and I wanted to keep it that way. After drinking my fourth beer and feeling a little buzzed, I finally spotted Bella. She radiated in the middle of the room. She was wearing a red dress and her hair was back in a ponytail. She looked made up, but not so much it hid her real beauty. She still sparkled like no other thing comparable. I must have stood there ten minutes until I saw her searching the room. She was just scanning the crowd taking in all the celebration.

She was with a group of friends. I picked Alice out right away, even though I haven't seen her since my parent's funeral. Alice spotted me and gave me a slight smile and head nod. She was keeping her mouth shut. She respected what I wanted and what I was trying to do. She still had a kind of sunken look on her face like she was worried about something. No doubt worried if I would make a scene. She made no move to point me out to Bella. She was letting Bella find me on her own. I knew I liked Alice. She was on my side.

Still standing in the hallway by the bathrooms, I just stared at Bella, trying to get her to look my way. I was trying to use my telepathy…

Whatever! I was just freaking screaming in my head for her to see me.

She was talking to everyone and having a good time, laughing and nursing her rum and coke. I watched her put her drink down and start making her way towards the bathroom where I stood. I stiffened my body, nervous about the impending confrontation we were going to have. She looked back behind her and spoke to someone sitting down at the table next to her. I couldn't see who she was whispering to, but when she stood up she had a smile on her face.

Ugghhh, I missed that smile. I was getting lost just looking at her. She never looked better, really.

Shit! Snap out of it, she's coming now.

With a turn and a laugh, she was now pointed in my direction. Walking slowly around people and dodging them to avoid body contact. She whispered, "Excuse me," and "Pardon me," as she walked right to me. She still was not looking at me, her eyes on the ground.

_LOOK AT ME!_ I shouted to myself.

I was willing her to look at my eyes and finally see me. In that instant, she looked up and stopped in her tracks. I froze not moving a single inch.

She just stood there staring at me. Her mouth fell open and her eyes grew wide. Never moving my eyes from hers, I watched as she shut her mouth, looking wary no doubt of why I was standing in front of her. She was totally surprised and now I couldn't believe I came here. What the hell was I doing anyway? It's been way too long since I had seen her; there was no remote chance she would still have feelings for me. I hurt us too much.

I was in a trance and couldn't budge from my spot. I wanted to run to her, take her in my arms and kiss her with all the passion I had built up over the last years. I wanted to say I was sorry for putting us in this mess and that it was my entire fault, but my body didn't move. I always clammed up under pressure.

She was still looking at me, searching my every move. I looked behind her at Alice who was watching us. She gave me a smile telling me to "Go get'um tiger."

Bella looked down at her feet and then behind her. She slowly started to move to me, walking with delicate care like she was tip toeing. I felt that pull and inhaled deep into my chest, trying to collect any air I could before she spoke to me. Probably to yell at me for being here.

She was a few feet away, again glaring at me in disbelief. I could smell her now. The fucking vanilla and strawberries. I took a deep breath and held it in, not wanting to let it go. The urge to grab her and take her in my arms consumed me and I reacted without thinking, not caring, just pure impulse… Like I never was away from her.

I reached out and took her hand, pulling her to me. She came to me willingly and without hesitation. Her lock on my eyes never ceasing as she pressed her body to mine. I moved us down the hall and out the back door into the ally. I planned this escape when I entered the bar.

I closed the door behind us and pushed her against the wall. I was inches from her face. I just looked at her and her at me. Not saying a word. Just fucking taking each other in. Wrapped in each other's arms keeping ourselves warm in the chill of the Chicago night. I could feel the breeze on my neck as I stood in front of her gripping her tight around the waist. We fit together perfectly. It still worked; she was still my other half.

She was the first to break our standoffish stare. She placed her hand on my heart, pulled my shirt into her, and crushed her lips onto mine with force and power_… and need_. The feeling was something new and exciting that I never had with Bella. My blood rushed through my body leaving me hot, immune to the cold night. This wasn't sweet or romantic. This was pure need. Too much time has gone by. We both felt it.

Her kisses were rough and greedy. We both couldn't get enough. I staggered on my feet and felt like I was going to lose balance. I steadied myself, planting my feet firmly in spot and picking her up against the wall as she wrapped her legs around my waist. She couldn't get close enough. Her legs grew tighter around me. I pushed her harder against the wall for more leverage.

I sucked her bottom lip and she bit my upper lip with a slight pull. Our tongues fought and twisted with each other trying to win the battle over our passion. I pressed my fingers deep against her ass and squeezed. She let out a deep moan in my mouth that made my moan in return. Our breathing was harsh and deep. I struggled to pull away to get a trace amount of air to my lungs but she pulled me in harder with every move I made. She felt desperate and didn't want me to let her go. I wasn't about to let her go. Not anymore.

She worked her arms around my neck and pulled at my hair guiding her kisses onto my mouth. She was getting aroused so quickly. This was a different Bella than what I remembered and I think I really liked it. I know I liked it. I craved it for so long… to feel her with me, not just a memory, but really in my arms.

I couldn't fucking take it anymore. I had to touch her.

I opened my eyes and spied the staircase next to us leading up to the floor above the bar. I walked Bella, still wrapped around my waist, from against the wall to the cold concrete steps. I pulled back and looked at her. She was clouded in lust, luring me in. She looked like she was going to jump up and attack me again so I bent down, holding my body above her with my arms on the steps close to her head. She bit her bottom lip and snaked her arms around my torso, pulling me in to her. I admit it was an awkward position, but hot as hell.

Our kisses never relented, never breaking from one another's lips. I opened my eyes and looked at her again to see if there was permission on her face to go further. Her eyes already open watching me, granting me permission. I leaned in to her neck kissing and biting up and down to her ear and back.

I couldn't believe we were here, together at last. I have been waiting and dreaming of what I would do if she ever wanted me again. This wasn't really what I dreamed of, but I'm not bitching. I was so turned on and so fucking in love with Bella it was like I was never angry. I never blamed her for my parent's death. I never felt betrayed. It was just Bella and me again fucking loving each other and not giving a care in the world.

I really couldn't take it anymore. I had to feel her.

I reached down and felt around her hips, tugging her dress up until I felt the skin of her thigh. I grabbed her leg and hitched it up to my side, spreading her legs apart. I was kissing her neck and smelling her fucking wonderful scent, getting more turned on and more ready to just take her on the stairs.

Taking advantage of her spread legs, I hid my hand under her dress and felt my way up her leg to her underwear. I could tell by first touch she was soaking wet. Her thin underwear gave that away. I rolled my eyes back in my head and moaned into her neck. She was wet for me._ Only me._

She pulled my head up and went back to my lips, attacked them with full vigor. I rested my hand on top of her underwear teasing circles around her lips where her clit was. She started to move her hips in tune with my hand. Whimpering and breathing heavy with every kiss I dished to her. She was so soaked and moaning in my mouth. I was going to explode if I didn't touch her.

With all my might and strength, I fingered my way inside her panties at the crotch and fucking pulled the fabric away from her body. Taking the panties with me. Ripping the fabric as it fell to the ground. Leaving her fully exposed. She screamed with surprise and shock at my stunt, never expecting I would be so dominant. I drew my hand away from underneath her dress, not knowing how she would react to ripping her panties in two. I surprised myself quite frankly. I looked down at the offensive garment and noticed she hadn't changed from her usual panty style, white bikini briefs. I love that I remembered that.

She broke our kiss and looked at me with hungry eyes

"Do it! I want you to do it. NOW!" She demanded with so much anger in her voice. She growled, "Touch me!" I wasn't going to argue. My heart was pounding out of my chest at the thought that I was finally going to touch her.

She fucking blew me away with her demanding tone and I quickly brought my hand back under her dress to her center, invading her with my hand. She was wet and warm. The sensation was immense. My hand had a mind of its own as it worked and probed her every corner. I played with her clit and fingered her in and out while wishing there was some way she was in position to touch me too.

Without even speaking my thought aloud, I felt her hand slide down the front of my pants pushing my body to her side so she could have full access. My hand slowed on her as I took notice that she was undoing my button and zipper. I felt anxious at the anticipation of her hand around me. I told her with my eyes to touch me and she heard me. She reached behind my boxers and placed her fingers along my length. Her touch was cold, sending shivers up and down my body. I moaned loudly into the air as she started to pump me up and down. We were both working on each other not wanting to stop. I got greedy though. It's been so long.

I needed to taste her… I needed to smell her. I needed her to cum in my mouth. I had to take her in and not let go. I needed to please her. I wanted to let her know that she didn't need to please me after all the shit I put her though. This was payback time with love.

I took my hand out and away from her center leaving her confused as to why I stopped. Her hand left my pants reluctantly as I lowered my body so I was kneeling level with her bottom half. I looked up as she watched me, understanding my turn of action. She put her hand on my head guiding me down to her wet lips. I went to work and licked and lapped the best I could. She was throwing her head back in ecstasy. She was moaning and whispering, "Fuck." and "God damn it." Her lower half was shaking as I put my fingers to work together with my mouth.

This turned me on more and more. I could feel the pressure in my jeans, my dick wanted to be released and invade her body. I remembered her taste well and loved the familiar smell. She was home and I was staying. Her breathing became more rugged and deep. She was getting excited and still fucking moaning, her legs still shaking. I thought for a minute she could be really cold. I took my other hand and started to rub up and down on her exposed leg. Getting friction to warm her up as much as I could given the circumstances.

She said my name, "Edward… fuck… mmmm… God Edward, I missed you... oh fuck..."

I smirked, still licking her lips. She fucking missed me!

I focused on her clit now, sucking and fucking her with my fingers. This was driving her wild as her body began to thrash and her legs pulled themselves up and wrapped around my head.

_Thank you Jesus, she wrapped her legs around my head!_ was all I could think. I felt like the predator devouring my kill.

She bucked her pelvis up and up again. I knew she was close. She grabbed my hair again and pulled, hard. I felt her walls start to contract against my fingers. She was cumming now. Her moans were loud and I couldn't help moan myself. Her pleasure was enough to send me over the edge. She was stilling humping my face, but slowing her pace coming down off her high. I looked up at her and she looked peaceful. She let go of my hair and I raised my body up to her face. I couldn't help but smile.

She took my face into her hands and whispered, "Hi." Her eyes told me everything. She never could hide anything from me. She was happy I was there. I gave her a quick peck on the lips. Looking at her with full on love and admiration.

"Hi," my voice a little shaky. My mouth was tired.

That's all we needed to say. I was hers and she knew it.

I reached up to caress her cheek when I heard the back door of the bar open. Out walked Alice, quickly spotting us in our not so modest position, she looked us up and down figuring what just happened. My hand under Bella's dress, my body against hers, and her fucking underwear on the ground torn to shreds. Alice knew what just happened, but didn't say a word. She looked nervous and jumpy while she backed up against the back door, pressing it shut.

"Bella, Jake is looking for you. When you didn't come back from the bathroom, he had me come get you. I saw Edward and you leave so I knew where you two were," she said still holding the door almost as if she was holding it closed so someone couldn't come out.

With that, Bella pushed me up off her as she stumbled to her feet, hastily fixing her dress and picking up her torn panties.

"Is he coming?" Bella looked panicked as she started to fix her hair.

"Yes, he started walking around the bar so it's just a matter of time before he checks out here when he can't find you or me," Alice said desperately.

Is Bella still with Jake? Was she with him tonight? The pangs of jealously started to beat me down, back into that old depression I was so used to. I felt my hands grow into fists as my body stiffened. Any feeling of fucking euphoria I had was gone. Jake was still in her life. That fucking douche!

Of course, I had no idea. I never asked or talked about Bella and Charlie never dared tell me.

She left him in the bar and came to me tonight I reminded myself. Bella was just looking at Alice in utter horror and Alice replied with the same expression. How _much_ of a couple are Bella and Jake? What kind of relationship did I walk in on? I'm not losing Bella to that douche again.

I knew from Bella's face that she was upset. She had tears in her eyes as she stood next to me, frozen in place. She was staring at Alice now.

"What do I do?" she managed to say. I looked at her face and back to Alice's. Alice just stared at Bella, not answering her plea.

I couldn't believe this! She was just moaning my name and that she missed me. There is no question what she should do. She belongs with me and she knows it. She felt it with me tonight. I could read it in her every touch and every kiss. I saw it in her eyes and heard it on her lips.

I was overwhelmed and confused. I turned to Bella moving towards her. She turned her head to look at me, her eyes full of tears holding back her sobs.

"Edward…" I broke off her thought.

"Don't go to him Bella," I pleaded. I stepped to her, taking her hand into mine. "You feel this?" I placed her hand on my heart. "You know it. You feel me?" I held her hand and felt it shake on my chest.

"Edward… I don't know what I'm doing." She was crying softly now, tears rolling down her beautiful face.

"You don't have to know what you're doing. Just follow you heart. I know you. Don't leave me for that douche again." Bella winced when I called Jake a douche, but I kept going. "Stay with me. I love you and I'm sorry for... everything… all this time. I can see it in your eyes…" She put her free hand up to stop my ranting. She looked angry.

"Why did you come, Edward? Why are you here?" She took her other hand back and crossed her arms.

"I came for you. I had to see you to know that_ it_ was still there between us. I had to look in your eyes and see that you felt it too." I gently lifted her chin up to look at my face. "I see it there in your eyes. I still see us. I know your coming home soon and I want to get to know you again. I want to work on us."

Bella started to shake her head not believing my words. She pulled away and stepped back.

"You hate me, Edward. You blamed me for everything. For your parent's death, your bitterness, your whole fucking rotten existence. I tried with all my heart to let you know how sorry I was, but you threw me away," Bella shouted through her cries. "I tried to talk to you but you couldn't see that, all you cared about was hating me for years." Her eyes were now full of anger and resentment. I hated the way she was looking at me.

She broke down and started to cry again. I took her in my arms, holding her tight. I rubbed her back comforting her the best I could. I looked up at Alice who just sighed and looked away to give us privacy.

"Do you know how much I missed not having you in my life? And you chose now to come back into my life like nothing ever happened. So much has changed for the two of us. When I saw you here tonight, I thought I was imagining you. It was too good to be true. It's not fair, Edward. I can't choose between you two. Why did you come now?" she asked looking at me for answer.

I had no fucking clue what to say.

This was fucking hurting me seeing Bella in so much pain. Pain that I caused her with my own stupidity. Yes, I hated her and blamed her for so much. I spent so much time resenting her and holding anything to do with Bella at a distance to protect my own foolish pride. I grew tired of my own facade and wanted to come clean. I knew that Bella would be coming home to Forks after graduation to take care of Charlie. I also knew that when that happened, if I didn't fix things with myself and Bella, I would be utterly alone. I would no longer have to help Charlie through his sickness. I would just be… by myself.

_This scared the shit out of me._

I already lost my parents in the crash. I lost Bella as a result of the crash. I was going to lose Charlie to the cancer. I would lose myself if I didn't do something now. That's why I had to see Bella. I had to make things right. I had to see if I still felt love. If I was capable of feeling love with Bella.

Alice stepped forward, breaking my beeline stare at Bella. "You guys, Jake is going to be here soon. I think either you have to leave Edward or you both leave together." She looked at the door, "Bella, you know how Jake will get if he sees Edward."

That pissed me off. "How is Jake going to get if he sees me, Bella? What? Is he going to try to kick my ass? Because I need to kick his ass. I have plenty of reasons to fucking kick his ass." I was seething now. I was not afraid to confront Jake.

Bella took one step to me and slapped me as hard as her small hand could across my face. I felt the sting penetrate through my body. This is _not_ going how I wanted it to go.

"Jake was there for me when you ran away. He got me through losing your parents, the rejection you put me through, and now Charlie's cancer," she huffed, killing me with her dead eyes.

"He loves me Edward and I… love him." Her tears had dried and she seemed confident and strong. "You can't just walk into my life and expect me to act like nothing has changed. To love you the same way and not care about what happened with us in the past. How dare you make me feel like this?" She stood tall, trying to tower over me.

"I know you still love me. I felt it in your eyes." I was done pleading I was just stating fact now.

"You're an arrogant bastard, you know it?" Bella started to walk to the door where Alice stood.

I moved in front of her before she reached the door. I cupped her cheeks with both of my hands. Bringing my face just an inch from hers, searching her eyes, willing her to stay with me. "Tell me right now you don't love me and I will walk away."

She paused breathing heavy, thinking. A single tear rolled down her cheek.

"I don't love you anymore, Edward. Go home." He voice cracked and her body shook. Her chin quivered while she looked at my eyes revealing her answer. She broke her face free of my hands. With a turn, she took Alice's arm and opened the door. "Alice, let's go back inside. I'm cold and Jake is looking for me."

I stood in that same spot for twenty minutes, not moving an inch. She chose Jake over me, again.

Every hateful feeling and memory of Bella I had that I tried to drive away was creeping back.

I left Chicago telling myself I never wanted to see_ her _again. I was never going to love _her_ again.

***

I heard the bathroom door open and close again. I was still standing in the shower with suds in my hair. I didn't look up to see who came into the bathroom; I knew it was Jess. I didn't move from my stream of water as it washed the shampoo out of my hair. I felt the cold breeze of the shower curtain opening and closing behind me. Not turning around, I felt her hands creep up my back and travel down the sides of my arms. She stepped closer and pressed her breasts into my back while she brought her hands down, around my stomach. Caressing and massaging my body. Her touch felt wonderful, but I wasn't in the mood to play anymore. I wanted to be real for once and Jess was just the right person to be real too.

I turned around and wrapped my arms around her naked body. Hugging her and just holding her as tight as I could. She looked up with surprise, but didn't say a word. Usually if she slid into my shower, I was at full attention so to speak and didn't hesitate taking her at that moment, but tonight I was different. I didn't want sex. I just wanted to hang out, even if I thought it was strange that I wanted to fix her dinner. I still really wanted to do it. I wanted to just sit and converse with the women, simply enjoy her company. I was tired of myself. I wanted to feel like a little bit of the old Edward. Jess could make me feel that way without bringing out bad memories. I was tired of Bella. I didn't want to focus on her. I wanted eat dinner with Jess and have a real date.

And I knew she would just keep my company because she fucking loved me. I decided tonight that _Operation Fuck Edward Masen to numb his past_ was to be put on hold indefinitely because I didn't want her to numb my past anymore. I knew I was going to get Bella and bring her home and I was going to be tortured the whole way. Maybe this was the closure I needed to get past all the pain I had put myself through. Jess would be here when I got back and I really liked that idea. I would have something driving me to get home faster. To settle my debt to Charlie and finally get Bella out of my head.

I didn't want to be the predator and Jess wasn't going to be my prey. No lion and no lioness. There was not going to be a victory tonight. I just wanted to be lazy like a hippo and tread water.

Later that night when Jess fell asleep on the couch while we watched a movie, I called Charlie.

"Hello," he sounded groggy; it was late.

I sighed, "I'm going… so don't fucking jump up and down with joy alright?"

Charlie sniffed and cleared his throat. "I knew you would make the right decision. Thank you, son."

I didn't know if it was the right decision, but I wasn't going to avoid her anymore. Next week was going to be the longest week of my life, but I was happy Jess would be there to pick me up.

**A/N**

**Tell me what you think. I would love any comments or "fucking revelations" as Edward would put it. **

**Bella is coming next. **

**Reviews are like candy!**


	3. Bella the Brave

Chapter 3 -Bella The Brave

**A/N *****UPDATE AGAIN I'M TECH STUPID AND UPDATED ONE OF MY CHAPTERS DOING IT ALL WRONG WHILE UPLOADING IT TO FANFICTION. THERE IS NO NEW CHAP SINCE CHAP 3*****

**Thanks for the lovely reviews from last chapter. I royally effed up and posted chap3 earlier this week by accident. I was updating chap 1 with fixes from my awesome Beta Annabella Laurie. Sorry for the confusion I'm a massive tool and need to be punished. Hopes you forgive:)**

**Time for Bella. **

**Hey CROD thanks for helping inspire the parts I told you:)**

**Again SMEYER'S is the maker **

BPOV

"_Okay _Charlie." I said with a 'humph' and a pout. I wanted Charlie to hear my irritation. God, my dad was way too protective over me. I slouched down on my bed, holding the phone to my ear, already knowing I was going to lose this battle.

"I'm sorry Bells, but I really don't want you traveling all alone cross country in a moving van. What if you get lost with no cell signal?" He spoke with so much tension in his voice.

"I'll get a map," I said sarcastically while fiddling with my fingernails. Charlie had to learn that I was able to take care of myself now. I wasn't a child anymore; I have been on my own for the last five years. Sometimes Charlie didn't know how alone I really felt.

I flopped back down on my fluffy down comforter. It was soft and cozy. I really didn't want to get up and pack, but the job had to be done. I was leaving next week, going back home to Forks. It was something I was dreading and looking forward too at the same time. I knew I was going to bump into Edward and I really didn't know what I was going to say to him when I did.

"I guess I can't argue with you on this, huh?" I at least had to try.

"No, I'm putting my foot down on this one. I hope you understand. This makes me feel better and I won't worry as much." Charlie sounded too worried as it is. There really wasn't anything to be scared of, it was just driving for crying out loud. I wasn't going to tell him that the moving van intimated me. It was big, rickety, and old, but it was cheap and available. The open road as calling me and I wanted the time to myself to think and get ready for what was waiting for me back in Forks.

"Dad… …please?" I was full out begging now.

He was sending Emmett McCarty down to drive me home. Sure, I love Emmett and he's been one of my oldest friends, but a long road trip didn't look so appealing with Emmett being my only company. Emmett was best dealt with in small doses... After awhile, he just wore you out.

"Honey, Emmett is a good driver; I trust him. Plus, he's on spring break from classes so he's the only one with free time." I felt like I was four.

Of course Emmett was the only one available; He taught _Algebra I_ at Forks High and was their football coach. He had the week off which was perfect timing for my return home. I really preferred Rose or Jasper to come, but they were both busy with work. I rolled my eyes into the phone. I hope Charlie could see that.

"Fine Dad… fine. I give up." I threw my arm in the air and let it fall beside me with a thud on the bed. I can't fight with this man. It was useless. Moreover, I didn't want to give him more to worry about with how he was feeling lately. Charlie was getting worse and worse by the day. Lung cancer was killing my father and all I could do is sit and watch.

I started to feel the familiar well of tears start to build. Pushing them away, I got up and walked to the kitchen, hoping Jake hadn't left for work yet. He was still here. It made me smile. Jake was there sitting at the kitchen table chowing on a bowl of Cheerios and looking at the paper. He looked up at me as I entered the room with a big smile. I went over to his side and stood next to him. I put my hand on his back and started to rub circles. He let his back fall into my hand and purred at my touch.

I could hear Charlie on the other end of the phone waiting for my resigned 'go ahead.'

"Alright! Alright! Gahh!!! Send Emmett down. I'm sure we will have a blast driving home." I could hear the smile spread on Charlie's face over the line; I hope he didn't hear the sarcasm dripping from my voice.

I let my hand drop off Jake's back, not moving from my spot. Jake looked up at me with a raised eyebrow, questioning what I was talking about. I knew what he was thinking. He heard me say Emmett's name and probably didn't like it.

"Thanks Bells, it really does make me feel better knowing that you're going to be safe coming home."

I rolled my eyes again so Jake could see. I shrugged my shoulders and put my hand on his back again, rubbing circles, easing any tension he was building before I could explain to him why Emmett was coming to take me home.

I just remembered, "Oh, dad?"

"Yes, sweetie?"

"I forgot to tell you that I am stopping in Denver to visit Mom. Can you tell Emmett to see if he's okay with that? It would extend our trip by a day or two." Hmm, maybe the thought of not getting back to Rose soon enough will make Emmett back out of this stupid errand he's doing for Charlie, leaving me free to explore the road.

Charlie let out a chuckle, "Ha ha! I thought you might want to do that. Your mother would love to see you on your way back, but isn't she kinda out of the way Bells?" He was right. My mom lived in Denver and it was not on the direct route to Forks. I would have to dip down to St. Louis and cut over. This was a road trip after all. So seeing a big large Arch was on my to-do list.

"I know Dad; I just wanted a little vacation before I came home. A little graduation present I'm giving to myself." Sharing it with Emmett? I guess it will have to do.

Charlie blew out some air into the phone with a whoosh. I could tell he was thinking about something. He sounded hesitant to talk, as if he was holding something back, but it's hard to make out this stuff on the phone. I couldn't wait to see my dad. I hated this phone business. I needed to take care of him… Give Edward a break.

_Edward._

_Stop it Bella!_

"Dad, is there something wrong?" I went in to mother mode. "Are you feeling alright? Do you need some help?"

"No, I'm alright. Edward is on his way to pick me up. He's taking me fishing today at the lake behind his house. I have been cooped up so long in this house; Edward said I needed a day out on the water."

That sounded nice and I knew Charlie would love it. He had been battling a mild case of pneumonia for some time and was finally over it. He needed some fresh air. I thanked Edward silently.

"Oh wow, Dad, that sounds like fun. I hope you and Edward have fun." I meant it.

"We will sweetie. It's just us and the fish today. Now I have to get going. Edward will be here soon. I'll talk to you later Bells." I could tell he was smiling.

"Bye Dad, I'll talk to you soon." I hung up the phone and closed my eyes. I really hoped he would enjoy his day. It's been months since he got go out on the water. Edward would take care of him; he always did.

_Edward._

_Lord Bella, think about something else. _

_Edward. _

_God!_

My heart sank when I thought his name. Facing him back home was going to be difficult. I had no idea if he still planned on seeing or helping out Charlie when I got back home. I appreciated everything he did for Charlie. He really didn't have to do anything for him. I was surprised he did at all, given our history. Charlie would talk so much about Edward sometimes. It was the only information I got on him. Our friends never mentioned Edward's name to me, most likely at Edward's request. He has been so mad at me for so long. He would never let me explain to him how sorry I was about _everything_. But I wasn't the only one to blame.

Not anymore.

"Ah hem?" Jake brought me out of my hazy mind as he folded his paper and set it back on the table.

Time for explanations.

"Since you can't drive with me back home, Charlie felt it necessary to send me an escort. So, Emmett is flying down next week and we're driving back home." I still felt annoyed, but I felt certain my man would rescue me.

"Well, I think it's a good idea," he said bluntly.

Huh?!

I shook my head in disbelief. "What? You're kidding, right? You're going to trust Emmett McCarty to drive me all the way home? Where is my jealous boyfriend when I need him?" His comment slightly offended me.

Jake's back stiffened, "That's jealous fiancée." He paused, turning his body to face me while still seated. "And I know how much you get tired of Emmett, so I'm okay with it." I wanted to wipe the smirk off his face.

"_Oh__,__ thanks so much. _Thanks for taking Charlie's side," I said in a huff. I was definitely pouting now and I had to look like I was four.

Jake got up from the table and circled his arms around my shoulders. "I didn't really like the idea of you going back by yourself either. And since you won't wait for my internship to end so we can go back together, your stuck with Emmett. Sorry." He shrugged his shoulders and gave me a kiss on the forehead. It was true I couldn't wait for Jake's internship to end. He had another month left to go and I wanted desperately to get back to Charlie. I guess I had to suck it up.

Jake released his hold on me and took his bowl to the sink. "Besides, you and Emmett will have a lot of fun when you tell him what you have planned."

I really didn't have too much planned, just a couple of stops along the way for my own amusement. I wanted to sightsee and I didn't know when the next time I was going to take a trip like this again. I mapped out the whole route with a list of things I wanted to do ready for next week. It's been so long since I had a road trip. The last one was a trip to San Francisco with Edward after graduation from high school. I had the time of my life and experiences I would never forget on that trip. This trip wasn't going to be as memorable.

"Yeah, I'm sure Emmett would be just peachy with seeing the Arch and the world's biggest ball of twine," I said with a snarl, throwing a dishtowel at Jake.

Jake smelled my sarcasm right away and turned around from the sink, taking two huge steps, he had me in his arms again. He scooped me up fast and threw me over his shoulder. I knew where this was leading. I asked for it.

"Oh bad, Bella! You know what happens to bad girls when they don't obey?" His voice took on that husky sound I love so much, but I knew where this was leading so I had to escape. I couldn't let my mind cloud over.

"HEY! LET ME DOWN!!! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO…" He started to smack my ass. It hurt, but in a good way. "STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!!" I was hitting him on the back with closed fists. It wasn't fazing him one bit.

SMACK!

"OUCH JAKE, DAMN IT, THAT ONE HURT!" I said laughing.

"I know how you like it." SMACK!

"FUCK ME JAKE, DAMN IT! STOP IT!" God, he was so sexy when he played with me like this.

"Oh really? Fuck you?" He was toying with me.

I couldn't help but laugh

Jake carried me into the bedroom still smacking away at my butt. I struggled and wiggled trying to get out of his hold. It wasn't working. My man was just too strong.

I knew what he was going to do and I had to fight.

SMACK!

"YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW JACOB BLACK! I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO SIT!" I was shouting at the top of my lungs, still laughing.

He threw me savagely on the bed and came down on top of me, holding both my hands above my head. He panted down on my face. His face read full of desire. Smiling so big I just wanted to kiss him, but I had to brace for what was coming. I hated what I knew was coming.

"You know what happens to little girls who misbehave?" His face was seductive and smug.

"NO, NO JAKE! GET OFF ME RIGHT NOW. I HAVE TO GO TO CLASS." I was trying to push him off me, but was getting nowhere with my arms pinned above my head. The man was a brute and way bigger than me. He had me in the worst position. I was utterly exposed.

I saw his hands reach to my sides and felt his fingers start to tense. He was about to attack. I had to turn on the charm to save myself from the torture that lay ahead.

"Jake, sweetie... please... I'll be _your_ good girl. I will obey." I batted my eyelashes mocking his seduction to see if it helped my case.

It didn't.

"Oh, so you will obey and be a good girl for your man?" His eyes darkened and narrowed.

I nodded as I slowly licked my lips while wrapping my legs around his. Jake watched my tongue tease my lips and I think he almost started to drool. I sucked on my lower lip trying to elude sex appeal.

He knew what I was up too. Distraction. My game was up.

I lost.

His fingers attacked my sides and worked their way up and down and around to my stomach. I screamed with laughter as he tickled me nonstop. I was squirming and kicking trying to get him off me, to let me breathe, but Jake was a good tickler and never stopped until I said what he wanted me to say. My sides started to hurt as he assaulted my ribs. I thrashed my legs against his, kicking at the air trying to free myself.

"STOP!!… STOP!!! PLEASE!!!..." I was crying now from laughing so hard.

"I CAN'T BREATHE!" This was just plain torture now.

He slowed his tickles but didn't let up, "Say you love me."

Easy enough.

"HAHAHA… I LOVE YOU NOW GET OFF!" He tickled harder. Then slowed again.

He wasn't done.

"Say you will miss me when you're gone."

Still easy.

"I WILL MISS YOU TERRIBLEY WHEN I'M GONE!" I wiggled some more. His weight on top of me was too much to let me get lose. I could feel a hint of arousal from his hips but I was moving too much and too annoyed to really take note.

He stopped the tickles all together and his face turned serious.

"Say you'll set a date." He looked into my eyes on this one. He pulled his arms from my sides, took my wrists, and held them at each side of my head.

Trapping me to give him an answer.

Crap!

I've been pushing off setting a date for months and he's been bugging me about it incessantly. Now he saw his way of getting me to answer him. He simply said, "Say you'll set a date," not when will I set a date.

"I'll set a date _sometime _soon." I looked at him with a wary eye seeing if that was a good enough answer.

It wasn't. His face dropped and all the fun we were having was now forgotten.

It was far from a good enough answer. Jake wanted to be married within the year and I wasn't ready for that yet. I really wasn't sure why I kept putting it off. I told myself I wanted to be with Charlie and see him through his illness. I didn't want to plan a wedding around a funeral. However, that wasn't the only reason. I had a major case of cold feet and I think Jake felt it. I didn't want my marriage to end up like my parents. I loved Jake so much, but I'm not sure I loved him with all my heart, at least not yet. A long engagement was what I wanted, but Jake was dead set against it. He told me 'when you know you know and why should you wait.' He wanted Charlie to be around to see his daughter get married. I really wanted that too, but I still had this sick feeling in my stomach that no matter how long we waited to get married Charlie wouldn't get to see it.

That broke my heart more than anything, but it wasn't enough reason to rush myself into marriage.

Jake let go of my wrists and fell to his back on the bed next to me. He let out a huge breath.

Great, here it comes...

"Bella, I just don't understand why you are so hesitant about setting a date." He brought his hands to his eyes and started rubbing. He was frustrated with me. We were having this conversation too often and I was getting tired of it.

"Jake, I want to get Charlie healthy enough so he can have a little bit of peace before he..." I bit my lip to hold in my cry. I couldn't say anymore. Every time I thought of not having Charlie, I choked up.

Jake quickly realized and turned on his side looking at me while he brought his arm around my stomach. He pulled me so close I could feel his breath warm my face. His nose brushed mine and in that moment, I knew I loved Jake with what was left of my heart. I raised my hand and cupped his cheek. Jake always made me feel at ease when I got upset and I wanted to comfort him too. I hurt him by not being as eager to marry.

"I'm sorry Bella. I know that you're only thinking of Charlie right now and that so understandable. I'm being selfish. I'll stop hounding you about setting a date. I just wish we had one, to have something to look forward to when… times get tough." It hurt to think about Charlie dying. I felt the rumble of my repressed sob break free.

Jake rubbed circles into my back soothing me. It was helping. Jake was sweet and sensitive; sometimes you never would have known given his size. He was like my teddy bear, always there for me and never letting me feel bad or ashamed of myself. He truly cared for me and let it show. I don't think we ever had a real fight in the four years we've been together. He has been a constant flow of positive energy when I never thought I would heal again. I owned him a lot. He stuck with me when I tried to push him away. He never gave up. He was my best friend.

I loved him for everything he had been for me. I wasn't so sure if my love was enough for him. I never felt I could give him all my heart. I knew part of it died with Edward and would never get it back. Not now.

I made a choice and it was Jake. He was the right choice.

It was the best choice. I think. No, I know it was the best choice. Jake was going to be the best husband I could ask for.

He would be the best husband I never knew I wanted. I was trying to convince myself too much. I was still scared silly of what the future was going to bring. Jake was going to move up to Forks after his internship ended. That meant Jake and I… and Edward would be living in the same town.

_And __Forks was a small town. _

"Bella I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you cry," Jake breathed close to my lips. He was still rubbing circles on my back, his breath tickling my face.

"It's fine Jake. I guess I need to hear it, you know. Hear that my dad won't be around much longer." I knew I had to face the fact that Charlie was dying, but it hurt so much. I just wanted to spend as much time with him with what time he had left. Another reason to put off setting a wedding date.

Jake nodded and understood to change the subject. He didn't want to push my buttons any further.

"I love you Bella," Jake whispered. I could see it on his face that he meant it with his whole heart

"I love you, too," I whispered back, hoping my love radiated on my face as much as his did. I wiped away any lingering tears from my cheek. Jake leaned in and kissed me gently on the lips. He still tasted of Cheerios and milk. I kissed him back chastely; I wasn't in the mood to get romantic at the moment. I had to go to class and so much packing still had to be done. Jake sensed my chill to his touch.

I moved to sit up from our position on the bed. Leaning on my hands, I looked up at the ceiling. Jake was still lying down beside me and I could feel his eyes burn a whole in the back of my head. I didn't want to turn around and look at him. I scooted off the bed, still not turning around to face him.

"You still want to marry me?" His voice was so soft and unsure. He was serious, doubt laced in his question, cutting at my already damaged heart. I was giving him reason to suspect I wasn't into the whole marriage thing.

I closed my eyes when he asked the question but opened them before turning to face him. I had to tell him the truth. I walked back over to the bed where he was still laying on his back. I crawled on top of his lap and straddled him. He sat up and looked me in the face, searching my eyes for an answer.

"I have been afraid about getting married for a long time." Jake nodded knowing my fears already.

I looked down at my hands. "I love you and I want to be with you. That's not going to change. I want you to know that." I looked up from my hands.

"I know that. It's just that sometimes you don't seem like you're all the way here with me. I guess I just need a little reassurance that I'm not going to lose you." Jakes eyes were big and deep brown staring at me.

"I never would have accepted your proposal if I didn't mean it, Jake." I really didn't answer his question but I avoided it the best I could. I looked down at my ring finger as I twirled my engagement ring around. It was beautiful and much too expensive for Jake to spend on me. It was a one-caret emerald cut diamond with two square baguettes on the side on a platinum setting. It seemed huge on my little finger but he insisted it was just perfect. Jake saved for a year to buy the right ring.

And it was the perfect ring. The night of his proposal wasn't as perfect but Jake didn't know that.

He kissed me on the lips and slowly pushed me aside so he could get off the bed. My answer was good enough for him. He looked over at the clock and moaned.

"Ah Shit! It's almost 9 o'clock. Babe, I gotta go. Don't want to be late for work. I will be home later tonight so don't wait up," He said with a smile as he smoothed his clothes.

"Yeah, I have to get to class but I don't have much to do so I will be home by noon." I was glad our heavy conversation was over and we could just go about our day.

"I have so much I have to go through here. I never knew I would acquire so much junk in the last five years. Most of it is yours you know," I said with a smirk

"Well your place has more storage then mine and I had to put my stuff somewhere. You can say I was marking my territory," He joked. Alice was the one who really didn't appreciate all the added stuff Jake brought over. He was here constantly anyway, he might as well lived with us. But, she was after all still my roommate and had been since I came to Chicago. Where was she by the way? I haven't seen her all morning.

"Hey, where is Alice this morning? I haven't heard a peep out of her." I Got up and looked out into the kitchen again.

"I don't know where she was going but she said something about getting things ready and needed to buy some essentials. She left while you were on the phone with Charlie."

She was up to something.

A party! I knew it.

"Man!!! She's throwing a party isn't she?" I grunted and stomped my feet. I hated parties especially ones for me. I turned around and looked at Jake huffing, "You knew about this didn't you?"

"Maybe a little," he said while pinching his fingers together in front of his face. "You look cute when you're angry. A little hot too. Nice!" His distraction was definitely not working.

I rolled my eyes and glared at him. He knew I was waiting for him to elaborate.

"I'm not supposed to say anything so my lips are sealed." He put his two fingers to his lips and zipped them shut.

What a traitor! Fine, I can play at his game.

"Okay then, since your lips are zipped shut, no kisses until you spill." I crossed my arms letting him know I was all business, and he knew how stubborn I was. I was serious. I could go a long time without dishing any kisses, but I knew how much he loved my kiss.

"Sorry," he mumbled with a shrug of his shoulders, still not unzipping his mouth. That jerk! He was going to play this game too. He'll get his later.

Jake reached to hug me with his strong arms and lifted me up into his embrace. I met him with resistance, but I couldn't stay mad at him for long; he made it too tough, being all too charming. He nuzzled at my neck and placed a kiss just above my shoulder. His warm breath on my skin was intoxicating and if it weren't for Jake holding me up, I probably would have lost my balance.

Once I regained composure, Jake dropped me to the ground. "Love you. See you tonight." He still had zipped lips as he turned around to leave. I watched as he grabbed his bag and went to the door. He waved and blew me a kiss as he exited my apartment.

***

It was evening before I packed enough of my belongings to allow myself a break. I had been working all day and I think I made a pretty big dent. Thankfully, I didn't have as many shoes as Alice insisted on owning. The thought of her trying to pack that made me giggle. She would need an entire truck just for shoes and accessories.

I had a wall full of boxes lined up ready to be put into the moving truck. I sat down on the floor and surveyed my work. I'll let Jake tackle that job next week… put him to good use. He did come in handy sometimes; he could open a really stuck jar when I needed it. That really didn't sound good. He did more for me then just manual labor. He has been my rock and I loved him.

Why did I always feel like I was reminding myself that I loved him? I do love him. I do. I have no more feelings for Edward… No regrets.

Stupid jerk, always invades my head when I just want to forget him.

I can't have feelings for Edward. I told myself over and over again. He's the past and I'm keeping it that way. He royally screwed everything up on New Years. I wished he didn't come.

I thought I had everything all planned out for my life. I was going out with Jake and happy. I was going to graduate and get a job teaching in Forks. Jake was going to move up after his internship and get a job at Q13 FOX news in Seattle as a segment producer. He was moving to Seattle for me. He could get a job anywhere but he wanted to stay with me. I didn't want to tell him no. I did that once when told Edward to stay home and it killed me to do it. I couldn't do it again, not to Jake.

On New Years, I was perfectly happy. It was just another night out on the town with all of my friends at Delaney's. I wasn't big on the whole hoopla celebration of the new year, I just wanted to have a couple of cocktails and relax.

When Edward showed up, it turned my whole night upside down. I was so content with the way things were. I finally got him out of my head and focused on Jake. He was my priority besides Charlie.

Seeing Edward there changed all the mental work I had done. He destroyed it all just by showing up wanting me, needing me, touching me.

I never felt like that before. I couldn't help myself. He drew me in and I wanted him too. It had been so long since I had seen him, but it didn't matter. He looked different, but in a good way. His hair was wilder and he grew a scruffy beard. He looked sexy. Edward just stared at me. Smoldering. He was so intense. My heart skipped a few beats when he reached for me and took me outside. My body went voluntarily. I had no control. He was in control of me. He owned me. I let him.

I could feel him in every inch of my body when he touched me. Kissing him felt the same. The passion was still there. Those damn electric shocks still rocked my body. I haven't felt that way for so long. Not even with Jake. It was like I was never apart from Edward; like he was never angry with me... As if no time had passed between us. I loved him and I couldn't get enough. I only thought of Edward. Jake wasn't in my conscious; he didn't exist at the moment. It was all _Edward_.

_My Edward._

He came back to me.

***

_He was staring at me by the bathrooms._

_I couldn't take my eyes off him. Wondering if I was imagining him there. He was like a ghost. _

_I had to touch him to make sure he was real. Jake wasn't looking. I went to him._

_He still sm__elled the same. He still felt the same. I was in heaven. Who is Jake? _

_I __watched as__ he kissed my mouth against the wall. Not believing what I was doing. I couldn't help it. I needed him. I craved him. I loved him._

_The stairs. Oh fuck, the stairs were so cold on my ass. His hands on my body were enough to warm me. _

_He was going to touch me. My body ached for him to touch me._

_He ripped my panties off with one firm tug. They might as well of been paper at how easily they came off. He wanted me so much. It turned me on. _

_I think I growled._

"_Do it! I want you to do it. NOW!" was all I could scream. "Touch me!" I managed to push out. _

_His mouth __was__ on me__,__ licking and rubbing me everywhere. He was tasting me. I wanted him so bad. I wanted to tell him__,__ but my voice had other things to say._

"_Edward__…__ fuck__…__ mmmm__…__ God Edward, I missed you__…__ oh fuck__…"__ I really missed him. No one went down on my like Edward did. This time he was better at it. _

_My orgasm was so hard and intense. I thought I might __have__ squished Edward's head between my legs. _

_He smiled. There was __no hate__ in his eyes. _

_My Edward. _

_All I could think of to say when we could take a breath was "Hi" and he said it back. It was desire and lust but sweet. _

_It was my Edward. He came back to me. He forgave me. I wanted more. _

_We were interrupted._

_Alice._

"_Bella, Jake is looking for you." Who's Jake?_

_Oh my god! Jake! I felt the guilt inside me boil. I betrayed him. I panicked. What have I done?_

"_What do I do?" Who am I right now?_

"_Don't go to him Bella." Edward. _

"_Edward__…__ I don't know what I'm doing." I'm confused. I'm torn. I was holding my ripped panties in my hand. How did I let this happen?_

"_You don't have to know what __you're__ doing. Just follow you heart. I know you. Don't leave me for that douche again."_

_I wa__s brought back down to earth at that moment. He was here to make me chose again. He was going to give me ultimatums. He was going to use my love for him against me. _

_Anger._

"_Why did you come__,__ Edward? Why are you here?"_

"_I see it there in your eyes. I still see us. I know your coming home soon and I want to get to know you again. I want to work on us." _

_It's__ been too long. I have a different path now. _

"_You hate me__,__ Edward. You blamed me for everything." He couldn't dangle his love for __me__ in front of me like a carrot hoping I would bite. _

"_Do you know how much I missed not having you in my life? And you chose now to come back into my life like nothing ever happened. So much has changed for me and you."_

_Jake. What have I done to Jake? _

_He didn't say a damn thing. He just stood there looking at me. He had no idea what he was doing. He didn't care of the ramifications he was causing. He was selfish and I let him. _

"_Bella you know how Jake will get if he sees Edward." Alice was right. Jake will try to kill him._

_Protect Edward. Protect Jake. Protect yourself. _

_Edward was angry. He hated Jake ever since the funeral. They fought. I choose Jake. I couldn't be with Edward. He blamed me. He blamed me for things I couldn't control._

"_How is Jake going to get if he sees me__,__ Bella? What? Is he going to try __to__ kick my ass? Because I need to kick his ass. I have plenty of reasons to fucking kick his ass."_

_Enough!_

"_Jake was there for me when you ran __away. He__ loves me__,__ Edward and I… love him." The pain on his face was indescribable. I hurt __too. _"_You__ can't just walk into my life and expect me to act like nothing changed. To love you the same way and not care about what happened with us in the past. How dare you make me feel like this."_

_How dare he! How dare he do this to me. I was never the same again. _

"_Tell me right now you don't love me and I will walk away." He was going to walk away. I had to let him walk away. I was dying on the inside. I didn't want him to let me go__,__ but I had to let him go._

"_I don't love you anymore__,__ Edward."_

I lied.

"_Go home." _

***

I touched my hand to my cheek to feel the burn that was racing across my face. I felt the enormous weight of Jake's ring on my finger.

Right after I left Edward, I couldn't stand to be in that place. I hated Delaney's now and never wanted to go back. I must have looked crazy when I went back into the bar. My panties were still in my hand; the reminder of what just happened, still fresh in my mind. I found my purse and stuffed my panties in. I went to the bathroom to splash water in my face and clean myself up, I needed to wake up and get a grip. Alice held my hair and patted my back. She understood.

It was too much. Too much emotion. Too much guilt racking my brain. Alice hugged me and rocked with me. I don't know how long we were in the bathroom but it felt like an eternity.

I had to leave.

I told Jake to take me home. Jake didn't ask questions and didn't say a word. He made no attempt to persuade me to stay and ring in the new year. It was odd but I didn't care. He got up, wrapped his coat around my shoulders and we left the bar. I made the excuse that I drank too much on an empty stomach and wanted to just lay in bed. I needed Jake to make me feel normal again.

He was quiet. Jake brought me home and took care of me. He watched me change into my pajamas, never taking his eyes off me. Still quiet. He looked a little sad. I ruined his night. We got into bed and he took me in his arms and held me tight. I was safe now.

We made love, but I wasn't all there. Edward never left my mind. He was burned into my brain and I hated it. I hated it because it I knew I would never love Jake the way I loved Edward. I came while thinking of what Edward did to my body earlier that night. I would never feel the same connection with Jake. He was too good for me and it made me feel sick. I betrayed him. He deserved better, but I was selfish. I craved Jake's attention and his love. It helped me breathe when I was suffocating. Jake made me feel real again. I will learn to love him the way he loves me.

I _could_ never hurt Jake. I _would_ never hurt Jake.

"_I love you__,__ Bella. Nothing is going to make me stop loving you."_

At 12:01am, Jake got out of bed and got down on one knee. He asked me to marry him. Jake told me he wanted to start a new year with a new future. I didn't think twice.

I accepted. A new future is what I needed.

***

I heard the key in the lock as Alice walked in the door. I immediately went to talk to her. I had a bone to pick with her.

She was carrying a couple of plastic bags filled to the brim with what looked like party supplies.

Wonderful, just as I suspected! That little tramp was throwing me a going away party. She was walking towards the kitchen with her phone to her ear when she saw me. She fumbled with the phone giving me a scared look while said she call back to whoever she was talking to. Alice tried unsuccessfully to hide the bags behind her back.

"Ah… hi, Bella. What are you doing home?" The guilt and shock vanished from her face and she took on a look of total innocence, but she couldn't fool me.

"Whatcha got there, Alice? It looks like your gonna throw a party?" I walked over to her and started to look behind her into the bags. She was starting to dance around as I bobbed and weaved with her.

"Honestly Bella, why would I throw you a party? You hate parties." She bolted to her room. I was fast on her heels, but she was quicker than me and managed to get inside her room and slam the door by the time I got there.

I banged hard on the door. "Please Alice; you don't need to do this." I banged again. "Can you open the door?"

"Are you going to fuck me up if I do? I can't afford to damage my goods." She was just being ridiculous now.

I stepped back from the door. "I'm away from the door. It's safe to come out. I won't _fuck you up_."

The door slowly opened and Alice stuck her head out to see if the coast was clear. I was far enough away that she deemed it safe and walked into the hallway.

She gave me a Cheshire grin, "There will be margarita's." She knew she had me. I can't pass up a good margarita. Add a shot of Grand Marnier and I was done for. I give up. I could live through a party filled with most of Alice's friends.

"Fine, throw the stupid party. Just keep me boozed up."

"Will do sweetie!" She winked at me and gave me a hug. "It's nothing too big, just a few close friends and good food. It won't hurt too badly." I smiled and hugged her back. As much as I didn't want a party, I loved that Alice wanted to throw me one. I was really going to miss her. She was truly a great friend.

**A/N **

**Oh Charlie what are you up too saying your sending Emmett fully aware your really sending Edward. **

**Bella is a little less angsty then Edward. Edward tends to dwell and fester especially on the past. Bella is more simple. She had been more happy and positive unlike our Edward. But she loves her some margarita's:)**

**Edward coming next**

**I loves the reviews! **


	4. Edward the User

**A/N**

**I would love to thank my awesome Beta Annabella Laurie!!**

**I also like to rec a freaking awesome new fic, Tragic Turn by L is a dreamer. Give her some love, she's a cool chick!**

**Meyer owns Twilight.**

**Chapter 4 Edward the User**

_**Edward**_

"You're going to Chicago? Are you crazy? Why are you even_ considering_ going to get Bella!" Jasper was flabbergasted to say the least.

I basically just laid out the news for him as soon as I walked through the door. I had to tell someone about where I was going to be for the next week and I had managed it keep it to myself since Charlie dropped the fucking bomb on me at the lake. I didn't even tell Jess and I saw her every day since then. Jasper just glared at me, waiting for some kind of disgusted reaction from me; I wasn't going to give him one. I was still trying to be numb and oblivious to the whole situation. Jasper Whitlock was my roommate and one of my best guy friends since as far back as I could remember along with Emmett. He was home on his day off from the fire station. He was a firefighter for Forks Fire Protection. We worked together a lot.

I just got home from night shift patrol early Sunday morning. It had been a fairly slow night considering not much action happens in Forks. Being a deputy in this town was rather simple. Busting kids with alcohol or pot was the run of the mill bullshit, but I spent last night on the side of the highway shooting radar. I didn't give out one ticket. I changed my position four times in the course of my eight-hour shift. No one was out in this small town. I had to take on a couple of extra shifts to make up for my upcoming week off. I really didn't need the whole week off because I didn't plan on needing the extra time. Charlie insisted I take the whole week, which I guess was his way of thanking me. I told him it wasn't necessary but when his brow creased, I backed down. You don't fight with the chief of police.

All I had to do was fly to Chicago, pick Bella up, drive home. End of story. There was going to be no fucking around. The trip was going to be all driving until I passed out, then she could drive until she passed out. One would sleep while the other drove. Smooth and simple. I Map-Quested the trip, it would take a total of 34 hours and exactly 2224.39 miles. We would make pit stops along the way for food and gas of course. I also planned to bring a cooler in the moving van to avoid unnecessary food stops if need be. I could piss in a bottle. I guess she could hold it or I would pull off the side of the road so she could relieve herself.

Whatever.

My only goal and objective was to retrieve Bella, drive her home safely to Charlie, and do as little talking as possible. I didn't have anything to say.

I was done.

Jasper was still staring at me in disbelief; his mouth dropped and was hanging open. I guess I could have prepared him more. This was shocking to him since he was the only person who knew about the New Years fiasco. Back then, I kinda just blurted it out, revealing to him about that fucking thoughtless trip to Chicago. I had to get it off my chest or I was going to explode. I was a lunatic when I got back. I needed someone to vent to. Jasper listened. He was good at listening and not adding his two cents. That's all I needed then and I think that's all I really wanted now, but Jasper was not really into it. He had questions.

"Let me get this straight. _Charlie_ asked _you_ to go pick her up and drive her home,_ right_?" Jasper was still astonished, not grasping the whole concept yet. He just repeated back what I just told him, still not believing my words.

Taking off my holster, I undid my shirt and removed my bulletproof vest, setting it down on the coffee table next to the sofa where Jasper was. I sat back down in only my white t-shirt and uniform pants. I kicked off my shoes and leaned back into the cushions needing to relax before I really explained things to Jaz. I was getting a headache already. I leaned over and got some OJ from the mini-fridge to my left. That was the best purchase I made. It was a man thing. Jess thought it was an eye sore. I had to explain to her that every living room needs a mini-fridge stocked with your favorite beer and OJ next to the couch. No moving involved. I was really in the mood to just be still, seeing as I was going to be moving around a lot in the next couple of days.

I sighed.

"Yep," I said dryly. I turned to the television screen, looking at it nonchalantly. I wasn't going to get riled up over going. I promised Charlie and I stuck to my promises. I was a man of my word.

"What are you going to do with her the whole way back? You're going to have to talk to her." Jasper still couldn't see my logic about the trip. I told him before; I vowed not to talk to Bella anymore.

I shrugged my shoulders and flipped channels; surfing for something that could change the subject.

"Does Bella have anything to say about you coming? I mean she has to care, right?" Jasper wouldn't let it go.

I was leaving the next day, Monday. I would be in Chicago by that evening. Tuesday was when we were leaving. That meant I had to rent a car and get a hotel room. I would have all night in Chicago to myself before I went to Bella's the next morning.

_This was not going to be a big deal,_ I tried to convince myself.

"I don't know. I guess she's fine with it. I don't really care what she thinks. Charlie probably made her do this like he did me." I took a swig of OJ, still staring straight ahead to avoid Jasper's gaze.

This whole trip was going to really awkward. Jasper was right; Bella had to care about me coming. I take it she didn't protest too much since none of our friends got any frantic phone calls demanding them to tell me to stay put. This made me little sick to my stomach. It could only mean that Bella maybe didn't mind me coming to get her. There could only be two outcomes to this scenario; one, Bella would ignore me like I planned on doing to her or two, she would want to talk things through and try to make things better. I wasn't keen on scenario two considering I just wanted to forget her.

She chose Jake. I stepped out of the picture to let her have what she wanted.

"Why the fuck isn't her boyfriend doing this trip thing with her?" All good questions, Jaz. I rolled my eyes.

"Charlie said he is finishing his internship or some shit like that." I waved my hand, dismissing his question. "He obviously doesn't give a shit, letting his fiancée go cross country with her ex-boyfriend, which makes him a complete moron if you ask me, but hey, what do I care." I slumped further into the couch.

"Fiancée?" Jasper picked up on that right away.

"Fiancée," I repeated back to him, confirming his question.

I thought by now Bella would have told Rosalie about her engagement, in turn telling Emmett and Jasper. Then they would have taken it upon themselves not to tell me, since I asked not to hear anything about Bella. By the look on Jasper's face, he had no clue about Bella's engagement. Why had she not told her friends here? I'm sure Rosalie would be hurt to know she was kept in the dark. They were best friends growing up, outside of me.

Was Bella not telling people because of me? Or to protect me? I blinked a couple of times, thinking this was a possibility.

"Bella's getting married to Jake?" Jasper whispered and turned his whole body to me with a fucking concerned look on his face, no doubt trying to see how I was taking the news.

"Yep." Again, I tried to sound uninterested.

"When did you find this out?" Still with that concerned look.

"Charlie told me last week. He corned me on his fucking boat. Can you believe that?" I took another swig of juice and smiled to myself remembering my panic attack and how pathetic I must have looked.

Charlie knew he had me when he told me she was getting married. He was playing me and I knew why; he wanted to see us mend our differences before he died. It was really unsettling for him that Bella and I weren't talking. He never came out and said it, but I knew he felt it.

"I think he did it on purpose, knowing I wouldn't turn him down. Fuck that man for knowing me too well." Jasper chuckled and grabbed my juice, taking a drink.

"How long have they been engaged?" Jasper wiped his mouth off and handed my empty juice bottle back.

"Fuck if I know. I didn't ask details. It's enough knowing she's with him let alone knowing she's getting married to the douche." I chucked the bottle at the television.

"Don't hurt the flat screen dude!" Jasper gave me a look. I mocked him his face back at him.

I didn't want to know the ins and outs of the future wedding. This should have been our wedding. I squeezed my eyes shut, pinching back an old dream I had of marrying Bella.

Jasper could sense my hostility. "I don't think you should go, Edward."

"I can handle it, Jaz."

"Really Edward, do you really think you can? I mean, it's only been a couple of months..."

"Four months," I quickly corrected him.

Jasper paused, still giving me that look. "It's only been_ four_ months since you've seen her. Your wounds are still fresh from New Years. Christ Edward, you walked around here like a zombie when you got back. I can't imagine what you will be like when you get back from this trip." God, give me a little credit. I had a plan. Jasper was still annoying me, thinking I couldn't handle myself. Sometimes he was too perceptive for his own good.

"I'll be fine. I have Jess now."

_Jess…_

I needed to talk to her today. She wasn't going to like my news. I haven't fully decided on telling her the truth yet. She would not want me to go to Chicago. That was a given. I knew right away that Jasper was going to see through me.

"Ha! _You have Jess now. _Is that the reason she's been around? I really thought you were moving on from Bella. Please don't tell me you're just using Jess." I didn't like his tone only because I knew he was right.

Jasper shook his head and got up from the couch. He knew how I was with women and didn't really approve. He was a gentleman and liked to treat a women with respect, which I would be too, if I wasn't so fucked in the head from Bella. Jasper saw too many women pass through our door for one night stands to lead him to believe I was willing to give Jess a real relationship.

I was a dick.

It was true to some extent that I was using Jess. If I had Jess to come back to, then it would make the whole trip more bearable. I wouldn't let Bella get to me. I would think of Jess and her waiting for me ready to give me her all when I got home. She was going to be the fuel to my fire. It was the only way I could think of to get through this trip. Bella was going to be so close to me. I knew I would smell her and all my walls would come down. I would want to touch her and hold her. I would let myself feel for her again and I couldn't let that happen. I had to protect myself from those feelings. I had to have something to think of when the strawberries and vanilla were too strong for me to resist.

Jess was that something.

Okay, I admit it. I was using Jess.

I really did enjoy Jess's company though. She was growing on me. She was fun to be around and easy to talk too. I didn't think about Bella constantly when Jess was around, just sometimes. She would creep in my head at the worst occasion, like when I'm really trying to focus on Jess or when we're making-out. Bella pops into my head with some fucking beautiful memory and I would have to stop and revel in it for a minute or two, totally forgetting about Jess in the mean time, killing any mood I achieved. Jess hadn't figured it out

I was a real fucking dick, but I had to reason with myself. I wasn't all that bad in this situation.

I wasn't sleeping with Jess. I wanted to take things slow and do them the right way. Jess was surprised when I told her this, but the look in her eyes when she thought of a real relationship happening between us made me smile. I haven't felt so wanted in a long time, which made me feel like an asshole that I wasn't as excited as Jess was. No matter how much I like to spend time with her, it just didn't feel right, like I was a robot, a robot with feelings maybe. I felt like I was just going through the motions.

Pick her up

Go to dinner.

Go back to my place.

Watch a movie.

Make-out.

Imagine Bella naked.

Feel fucking guilty.

Mood killer.

Slow things down.

We go to bed and Jess falls asleep.

I sneak out and help my case of raging blue balls in the bathroom.

End.

That was pretty much a typical night for Jess and I. Since I worked the evening shift last night, I haven't seen Jess since yesterday afternoon. Emmett and Rose had grilled steaks at home yesterday for Jasper, Jess and I. We had an early dinner before I had to leave for work. I liked being with all my friends and Jess seemed to fit in pretty well. Rose kept giving me the all-knowing look whenever I put my hand on Jess's knee or kissed her on the cheek. Rose liked Jess, but she was still best friends with Bella. Rose couldn't disapprove of my relationship with Jess, but I think she could tell I was trying a little too hard. I suppose Rose remembered the last time I tried to make things work with Jess and it backfired on me. She didn't want to put me and Jess back together if I hurt her again. Jess was a good girl and deserved better then my bullshit, but I was weak when it came to her. I knew she could help me and she looked so fucking cute doing it.

God, I can't stop being an asshole for one second.

I looked up at Jasper as he walked into the kitchen. "I'm not trying to use her. She is helping me not think so much about the fact I'm going to be with Bella." She has a purpose.

" Humph! That sounds exactly like your using her." Jasper gave me a sneer.

He was right. I had to tell Jess that I was leaving and I had to tell her the truth. If she wanted to stick around and wait for me to get back then she could, but I had to be honest with her. If I went knowing Jess would be there for me then I could make it through the trip unscathed. I hope. But if Jess hated that I was leaving and didn't want to wait, I had no idea what kind of trip this would turn into. I would fucking crumble and let all my defenses down once I was in touching range of Bella. I knew me too well. She was way too addicting for me not to succumb to her.

She was my drug.

I was her fucking addict.

I sat forward on the couch and rubbed my face in my hands as I let my head drop. I was tired and wanted to sleep for a couple of hours but I was too frustrated to sleep. Jess was coming over tonight and now I had to get myself ready for the conversation I had to have with her.

"Where is Emmett?" I asked looking up from my hands.

"He went for a jog." Jasper walked back into the living room chomping on a bagel. He leaned on the edge of the couch where I still sat with my face in my hands.

"I really think it's a bad idea Edward. She's engaged. She moved on." I didn't like what he was implying. He didn't trust me. Hell, I didn't trust myself, but I wasn't going to tell him that.

"Fuck Jasper, what do you think I'm going to do?" I stood up and faced him. "I know she moved on. She let me know that pretty well on New Years. I'm not getting in the way of what she wants. I let her go Jasper." I felt sick. I was tired of our little girl heart to heart.

I grabbed my holster and bulletproof vest off the coffee table getting ready to go upstairs and shower. He was pissing me off. What did he really think I would do all alone with Bella? I was going to keep my hands to myself that was for sure. I was never going to let Bella affect me again, but the fucking reality was that she affected everything I did and she wasn't even here to do it. It was all in my mind. I was trapped in my own head. That's why I had to go on this trip, to prove to myself I could make it the whole way and not let my guard down. I could focus only on Jess and forget about Bella. I had to move on. There was no better way on moving then to confront your demon head on.

"I know you Edward. You never let her go. What did you do after Charlie told you she was getting married?" He pulled on my arm, stopping me, as I walked past him trying to get to the stairs.

He knew me too well. Fucking Jasper.

"I had a panic attack." I looked down ashamed.

"You're not over her, Edward." Jasper gave me a weak smile. "You're only going to hurt yourself more by going."

I let out a defeated breath.

"I'm doing this for Charlie as much as I'm doing this for me. I can't think of any better way. I'm tired of hating her and ignoring her. She's moving back Jasper, and I'm going to have to see her. I can't run away from her forever." He let go of my arm. He understood me.

"I'm sorry, Edward. Bella's my friend too and I'm worried for both of you. I just think that it's not a good idea and you both are going to get hurt. It's never easy between you two. You're always hot and cold, but if you think this trip is what you need to finally let her go, then I have to support you. You know you can call me the whole way back if things get tough."

I knew I could and I would too.

"Thanks Jaz, but the trip is only going to take 34 hours. I will be back before you know it."

" Ha! Whatever dude! _34 hours?_ You're not going to drive the whole thing straight. I think it's physically impossible."

"We'll see." I smirked.

The front door banged open breaking our conversation and a very sweaty Emmett stormed through. He looked over at us out of breath from his jog.

"Hey ladies!" He walked over looking me once over. "You look like shit, Edward."

I inhaled. "You smell like shit, Emmett. What, did you run in dog shit or something?" He did smell.

Emmett raised his foot to inspect the bottom of his shoe, "Fuck me, I did." He took off his shoe and waved it in front of Jasper's face. "Here look. Does it look like shit?" He laughed waving the shoe in both of our faces. "Does it smell? I can't tell." Emmett let out a thunderous roar as he was trying to get the shoe closer to Jasper.

"Dude, stop, that's gross. You're tracking that shit in the house. Have some manners." Jasper took a step back.

"I have manners, man. Rose thinks I'm a complete gentleman." He smirked as he took off his other shoe and tossed them in the corner. Jasper sauntered around Emmett and took his seat on the couch again picking up the remote. He was completely disgusted.

"You better clean that crap up by the time I'm done with my shower or I'll kick your ass. Remember I'm the one with the guns." I said as I hit him in the shoulder with my closed fist. Hitting Emmett was like hitting a brick wall. The man was nothing but solid muscle. My punch barely moved his shoulder back.

I need to lift more weight at the gym. Emmett punched me back and it hurt.

"Damn Edward, you're weak. Speaking of guns, you know what today is?" You could see the light bulb light up above his head.

"What is today?" I asked rubbing my shoulder where he punched me.

"It's Gun Range Sundays!" His face beamed like a kid going to Disney World for the first time.

"Hmm, it hasn't been Gun Range Sunday in a while huh?" I smirked rubbing my hand on my hairy chin. My mood was getting lighter. Nothing better to take you mind off things than to shoot the living day lights out of a target at the Fork's Gun and Archery Range.

"I call dibs on the Glock!" Emmett jumped passing me and ran up the stairs, most likely to shower ahead of me.

"No way man! Glock is mine!" Jasper yelled up to him from the couch.

"FUCK YOU, I CALLED THAT BITCH!" Emmett called down from the top of the stairs.

I couldn't help but laugh walking up the stairs. I needed a little bit of fun before I had to see Jess tonight. Tonight might be rough.

***

It was a good and a bad thing we were at the gun range when I told Emmett about my little trip. The sound of gunfire overpowered his rant about how dumb I was for going. I really didn't want to hear it from Emmett too, but I guess it was going to happen anyway so I just took it. He was holding a gun and I didn't want to piss him off by arguing with him.

"You're a glutton for punishment, you know." Emmett yelled before shooting a round from my Glock at the target and thankfully not me.

I tapped my finger to my earplugs, indicting I couldn't hear him. "Can't hear ya dude." I turned back to the target and lined up my shot, pulled the trigger and fired. It felt good and helped release the tension I was feeling. I hit in the left shoulder range. My shot was way off. My hands were too shaky and I couldn't seem to steady myself today. I wasn't on top of my game as I usually was. I prided myself with my excellent aim, but today I couldn't get it right. I was under too much stress and had too many things on my mind at the moment, Jess being at the top of that list. After talking to Jasper today, I concluded that telling Jess the truth was the best thing. It made it feel like I was using her less if she knew the situation. I felt like of a prick for leaving my new "girlfriend" to spend a torturous amount of time with my ex-girlfriend. I had to make Jess understand that I was just fulfilling a duty for Charlie and nothing else. I had to keep telling myself the same thing too.

"Emmett man, I already told him he's a complete idiot for going. He won't listen to me." Jasper shouted over the gunfire.

I rolled my eyes. Jasper was helping get Emmett off my back so I didn't have to hear the lecture. I'm sure that I was going to hear it from Rose when we got back to the house. She was most likely there, waiting for Emmett to get home. She usually was; she practically lived there.

I missed the fact that my house was actually just _my house_, but then I wasn't completely alone with Emmett and Jasper around and it scared me to think that one day I was going to be alone. Everyone always leaves.

Emmett took off his safely glasses and ear plugs and stood by my booth. I was re-loading my weapon, getting ready for my next round. Emmett looked serious.

Here's the Emmett speech I was waiting for.

"Edward, I know you're doing this for Charlie and that's fucking admirable, but I don't want to see you come back like you were after your folks died." That was a low blow and he knew it. I grumbled something obscene under my breath.

I lowered my weapon and looked at Emmett, talking through my teeth, "I'm fine now. She's not going to get to me anymore. I used to love her and now I'm… over her. I moved on. There has been too much time between us to make this trip mean anything." I stuttered a little and I felt bad for snapping at him.

Emmett caught my hesitation; he might of looked like a dumb jock but he wasn't stupid. He taught American History at Forks High School. I gave him a crooked smile and turned back to my weapon. I raised and took aim. I fired and watched my shot speed into the paper target. I took aim again and fired at the same spot. I spent three more rounds until I was satisfied I killed my target and pulled it back. As the paper came spinning towards me, I realized I aimed perfect and shot five rounds at the heart. Emmett saw my shots.

"Yeah man, I'm sure you don't love her anymore. You'll be fine." He smirked and patted me on the shoulder. He unloaded the Glock, handing it to me. He walked out, muttering something about wanting to go home to see Rose. Jasper gave me the eye.

I had enough shooting my target _heart_ for today.

***

We walked in the house and just as I thought Rosalie was home and in the kitchen cooking dinner. There goes my plan of fixing Jess dinner tonight. Why wasn't this day turning out how I wanted it to? I would have to take Jess somewhere else after dinner to talk. The house was going to be too crowded for our conversation. I would take her outside by the lake and we could sit on the dock. The water will help calm me. If all else fails I could throw myself in and drown so I wouldn't have to worry about any of the shit I had to do. I'll keep that as option B.

Rose was on the phone as she stirred whatever she had in the pot on the stove. It smelled delicious and made my mouth water. It was something Italian, probably spaghetti; Rose made killer spaghetti. Emmett was still outside at his Jeep bitching about how someone scratched his fender. Jasper came in with me and went straight upstairs whipping out his phone. He didn't say much the whole afternoon and definitely didn't talk at all on the ride home. It was strange.

I walked into the kitchen and quietly snuck up behind Rose. I could hear her on the phone now, but I couldn't tell who she was talking too.

"I know I can't wait." She said into the phone.

Rose still didn't sense me behind her. I laughed to myself; I loved scaring the shit out of Rose. It was worth it if she beat my ass. The look on her face would be priceless.

"Oh… okay… sure, I… a… will tell Emmett you can't wait to see him. I don't know why though." Rose chuckled.

I eased my way behind her until I was inches from her back.

"Don't forget to call me from the road, okay. I want to make sure your going to be all right driving all that way. It's too far." I knew immediately who she was talking to.

_Bella._

I pushed my eyes closed and let out a exaggerated sigh. My breath blew out straight onto Rose's neck.

"Ahh!" Rose jumped and turned around with such force she almost stumbled into me. I caught her in my arms.

"Edward! God, you scared the shit out of me." She was holding her heart with her hand. Well mission succeed. I managed to scare Rose without really trying.

Rose looked at me, then at her hand holding the phone to her ear. I caught her talking to Bella, not that I really cared, but my friends were always cautious not to talk about Bella in front of me.

"Um, yeah…" She said to Bella, "I will tell him. Wait… do you want to talk to him yourself he's right here?"

I shook my head and mouthed the word "no." I didn't want to talk to her. I was going to spend enough time _not_ talking to her on the trip. I wanted to get an early start on my no talking to Bella rule.

"Oh okay, sure when you get back. I will tell him then. See you in a couple of days." Rose paused listening to Bella on the other end.

I stepped back from Rose and went to the fridge. It was time for a beer now. I hated being so close to Bella yet so far away at the same time. I could almost make out her voice through the phone as Rose talked to her. It was all but a mumble, but it was her mumble. It ran shivers up my spine.

"Oh really, that's sounds fantastic! Well, have fun! I love you girl! Bye." Rose snapped her cell phone shut and put it on the counter.

I leaned into the fridge and took a beer out, inspecting the label.

"Sorry Edward, I didn't know you guys came home."

I stood up and opened the beer bottle with my shirt.

"Don't be sorry. What do you have to be sorry about? You were just talking to her on the phone. I don't care." I was trying to act nonchalant.

"I know. I'm just sorry anyway." Rose turned back to her cooking.

"What did she want to tell me?" I was curious now. I could only imagine what she could have asked Rose to tell me.

Rose looked up from her pot and let out a sigh.

"She said to tell you hello and she wanted to thank you, but she said she would tell you more when you are face to face." With that, Rose turned again to face me.

Huh? I don't know why she needed to say all that to Rose when I was going to see her in a few days. I could already feel it happening; Bella was setting her claws into my head and I wasn't going to break free from her anytime soon.

I gave Rose a half smile and started to walk into the living room when Emmett came bounding in, headed straight for Rose. Jess was quietly on his heels looking happy and alive. She spotted me and came waltzing over to my side. She looked beautiful today. She had her hair in a ponytail and she wore a green faded tee with low slung jeans. She looked comfortable and at ease. I pulled her into my side as I gave her hug and a quick kiss on the lips. Jess put her arms around my waist and hugged me. She felt nice, warm; she made me feel good.

"Hey, how long have you been here?" I asked looking down into her blue eyes.

"I just got here. Emmett had to show me his not so noticeable scratch on his fender." She rolled her eyes and smiled; she rubbed her head into my shoulder, smelling me.

She was taking me in and I was letting her.

Hell, I was taking her in too.

"You look good tonight." I was being truthful. She did look good. She felt good next to me too.

I was feeling less of an asshole… for the moment. Jess hugged me tighter.

Emmett was still in kitchen terrorizing Rose and getting in the middle of everything. She must of said something under her breath to Emmett about talking to Bella because Emmett was about to destroy my night.

"Ha! That's funny. Did she tell you that this dick head over here is going to Chicago and driving her back tomorrow?" He was thumbing my direction.

Rose looked at Emmett, then at me in complete shock. Rose didn't know? Bella didn't tell her.

I winced and closed my eyes. I felt Jess's arms slide off my waist.

I glared at Emmett. "Fuck, Emmett!"

"What? You already told her didn't you?" He motioned to Jess. Rose realizing what was going slapped him on the back of the head.

"Oh, damn woman! I didn't know!" Rose took him by the arm and drug him outside to the back porch. Rose looked back at me and narrowed her eyes. I now expected to get chewed out by her later.

I turned to look at Jess. This time she stepped back from me, out of my arms. I felt cold in the spot she once was by my side. I was alone.

I did this.

Shit!

Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit!

The look on her face was what I could only expect in the given situation. She didn't have to ask who I was driving back from Chicago with; she already knew. I saw on her face as it registered. Anything I planned, then abandoned, then planned again to tell Jess about the trip was all out the window.

Her lips parted as if she wanted to say something. I could see countless questions raging behind her beautiful blue eyes; I could see the hurt, the hurt that I caused. Her breath caught and she snapped her mouth shut. She looked at me, waiting for me to talk, as I stood there motionless. I had no idea where to begin, what to say, or how to say it.

The room was getting smaller and I was feeling hot. I could feel my heartbeat through my chest and I'm sure Jess could hear it too. I felt the first beads of sweat form on my brow, my palms itched, and I wanted to take Jess into my arms; I wanted to tell her I was going to be all right on this trip and she didn't have to worry.

But I still stood there, not moving.

Shit Mason, get a fucking grip and talk to her. It's just Jess. You need her to help you get through this, even if she's doesn't really know it. Don't lose her now. Say something.

I wiped my hand across my brow and opened my mouth. Jess stood tall and stiffened her body; she was getting ready for impact, but she surprised me.

"I'm going with you. I'm going with you to Chicago."

I blinked. I was more speechless than before. I still had my mouth gaping open, mostly in utter fucking horror at what just flew out of her mouth. I was picturing it now, the three of us driving together in the moving van, Jess and Bella doing death stares the whole way. Me wanting to fucking jump out of the van and get run over. This wasn't going to happen. Jess being on the trip was not a good idea. Bella and Jess weren't even friends anymore, probably because of me.

I knew I couldn't get any kind of closure if Jess was there. It wasn't going to work.

I edged toward her holding out my hand, "Jess, I don't..."

She cut me off, "Shut up. I don't want to hear it. Let's go upstairs and book my flight." With that, she stomped up the stairs to my room.

**A/N GAAHHHHHH!! Cliffhanger!!! Muah ha ha ha ha!! I'm an evil minx:) What is our little Jess thinking? Does she really want to be locked in a car with a man who she's afraid still loves his ex? Maybe so? Maybe not? **

**Reviews rock but you leaving a review rocks harder**


	5. Edward the Real Boyfriend

**A/N I would love to thank everyone who left the amazing reviews for last chapter!! It was most I got after a chapter ever!!!! I still would like to hear from more of you. Judging by all the people who add me to their alerts and faves I know your out there. Please tell me my shit don't stink!! Or just say, 'HI' whatever, leave a girl a little 'sumptin sumptin'**

**I would also like to rec another INSANE story by MissAlex, Rebel Without A Cause. This fic is so original and so well written. Check her out and give her love! She loves the reviews too:) **

**Thanks to L is a Dreamer for being a cool chick and my girl and CROD for asking me over and over when I'm going to update! Here ya go BB!! **

**Annabella Laurie is the most sick beta in the world and I can't live without her. **

**Smeyer owns and operates **

Chapter 5-Edward the Real Boyfriend.

Her fingers flew over the keyboard franticly, searching flight times and departures. She kept whispering questions at me, but I was still too stunned to really hear her. I couldn't even move, let alone listen to her incessant tirade.

"Your itinerary? You can't..." Jess's face never changed from the stoic stare she gave me when she told me she was coming with me.

It was as if I wiped all the happiness from her face and replaced it with determination that I hadn't seen up until tonight. How could I have been so blind to think she wouldn't care if I left her? I was reckless to put her through this and I was a sick motherfucker for using her. I saw it in her eyes when Emmett blurted out the Chicago plans. In the split second it took to register what Emmett said, I knew that Jess wasn't going to be my saving grace while I was with Bella. This wasn't a good idea. Her going wasn't ever an option I considered. Hell, up until today I didn't think I was going to tell her I was leaving at all. I had considered telling her I was going out of town to Seattle for work and would call her while I was gone. I didn't have to tell her my real plans. Technically, I wasn't lying. I was going to Seattle, _to the airport. _

I had never seen her so scared.

It dumbfounded me into a silent mute. Wait, a mute is silent. I was a frozen mute. Yep, that's me.

I managed to roll my eyes through the frozen muteness.

Shit. I was a fucking coward.

Standing unmoving to the left of Jess, who was at my computer desk, my eyes were locked in a perpetual hold at the computer screen as it buzzed different travel websites, entranced by the speeding lights and flashes. I would have a seizure if she went any faster. Jess was still talking to me, but I couldn't hear her completely. I kept on thinking of the long ride back with Bella and Jess. Jess would be trying way too hard to impress upon Bella that I was now taken and I'm sure Bella would just sit there and take it. Bella would probably have a couple of cute retorts to Jess's insults; she stood her ground well.

Did I have a problem with that? Really, that's what I wanted all along. Jess would be defending me the whole way and protecting me from falling over the edge. Jess was the perfect distraction over my perfect addiction on Bella. Jess going with me could be a possibility. It could work… or I could throw myself in front of a rather large semi going 80 mph, making me just another stain on the highway.

Maybe, but who was I kidding? I was dragging Jess into this and it was apparent I wasn't fooling her.

Jess banged her fist on the desk in frustration. "Look at me!" She shouted, breaking my still. I blinked and looked at her. She had red around her eyes, but no tears and her nostrils flared. I missed the transition from her stoic to angry face. I was too busy being a frozen mute to notice how angry she was.

That stoic look was really a fucking pissed look.

"Where is your itinerary, Edward?" Jess held out her hand waiting for me to give over the copy. Pausing to think if this was really a good idea, I reached over her left shoulder, not caring anymore. Grazing the side of her face with my hand, her head bowed into my touch. Wanting to soothe her, I stopped and felt her cheek. She reached up and held my hand to her face tight so I wouldn't pull away. I sensed she felt I would pull away any minute. I wasn't going to, but I needed her touch just as much as she needed mine.

Clearing my throat, I let out the only thing that came to mind, "I'm flying on Southwest."

_Fucking coward!_

Jess let go of my hand and looked up at me. "Thanks," she said, calm for a moment.

I felt uneasy about the whole situation. How did I get from going alone to going with a protective girlfriend? I was so sure that I was not going to get the closure I needed. If Jess went along on the trip, she would be the focus of my attention. _The perfect distraction_. As much as I didn't want to talk to Bella the whole way back, I knew I would. I would have to force myself to ignore her attractiveness and pull, to be strong and not let her take me over like so many times in the past. Willpower was going to be my best friend. With Jess along, I wouldn't need willpower. She would work hard to help me forget every feeling I had for Bella. My whole plan would fail; I would never get Bella out of my mind when I got back, never know if I could be strong enough to face her when I bumped in to her in town with Jake. I would fall and destroy everything I worked hard on if Jess came with me. I would never be able to give all of myself to Jess if I wasn't alone with Bella for the last time.

_I need… I want… I would… It was all me, me, me and I, I, I._

This whole mess was making me sound like a big selfish ass. It wasn't about thinking of just myself now. I had to think of Jess now too. I had to consider her in this equation. What was going to happen to her feelings if I went? Will she be able to handle the fact I was going to be with Bella? Would she want me back if I slipped up? What if I let my guard down? What if I couldn't love her after all?

All of a sudden, I wished I never brought her into this. It wasn't fair to Jess. I was a selfish dick.

"Itinerary?" Jess looked at me again.

"Over there, by the printer." I pointed and let my hand drop with a slap on my thigh. I moved to the bed and sat down on the edge. Jess took the paper and carefully looked it over, gathering what information she needed to book a seat on my fight if it wasn't full.

_You just have to tell her Edward, she can't go with you_, I told myself.

"I'm not gonna get a seat right next to yours, but maybe at check in we can request it," she said calmly. Her fucking pissed look melted away. I hadn't even noticed the change again.

I lay down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. Jess couldn't go with me. I had to do this alone. I had to be a fucking man and not let my woman come rescue me. I couldn't fall under the delusion that I wasn't going to use Jess or the idea of Jess. That was a given. I didn't know any other way. I didn't want to be alone when I got back. Jess had to know she couldn't trust me; that's why she was putting on this whole charade. I might not have loved her like she loved me, but I did care for her. She was the only other person besides Bella that actually, in a way, understood me. Bella was on a completely different level, but Jess had her moments and I had to treat her with respect. This last week had been great; I almost felt normal again when I was with her, like a real boyfriend. She looked at me like just that,_ a real boyfriend__,_ not just a quick lay like I was used to or what I made her used to. Even with my Bella issues, Jess made me laugh.

I was done with being a dickhead. I was done with being a user.

"Jess. Stop. Please." Still lying on the bed staring at the ceiling, my head started to throb. I was getting too familiar with tension headaches lately. Never venturing to look over in her direction, I heard her fingers stop tapping for a second, but they quickly started again. She wasn't about to give up and I didn't blame her. I'd probably do the same thing if I was her.

"Jess. Please." She wasn't going to listen to me. I peeked up for a moment.

She was still madly typing away at computer, not looking at me, "Edward, I'm not stopping. Whatever you say to me is not going to make me want to go less." She couldn't look me in the face either. I could tell where this was going to lead; she was being almost as stubborn as Bella.

_Fuck,_ was all I could moan in my head. My inner dialogue was going a mile a minute.

_You can't go Jess__;__ it's not smart. _

_This is something I need to do on my own._

_It will be better if you stayed at home._

_This will be so awkward. _

_There is no room in the van. _

Well the last thought was a cop out if she really did end up going.

"I'm not letting you go with me." Closing my eyes, I braced for the onslaught on verbal attacks.

She stopped, got up, and walked to the bed, standing over me from the side. She looked vacant. I couldn't even see the trace of an emotion on her beautiful face. She knelt down on the bed and reached for my pants. I pushed myself to my elbows watching, wondering what the fuck she was doing. Jess went straight to my front pocket and dug in. She felt around touching me through the fabric until she handled my cell phone. She pulled it out and took it as she stood back on the floor again.

"I need to call the airline and see if they can put me on the flight. I feel better if I do it on the phone instead of online. I have to make sure I get a seat." She started to dial, still with the mask on hiding her emotions.

She clearly hadn't paid any attention to me and was ignoring me on purpose. I wasn't the one to tell her she couldn't do anything, Jess wouldn't have it. It made me angry she was playing so ignorant so I decided to listen to my inner dialogue, and hopefully, not piss her off too much.

"Jess, this is something I need to do on my own." I sat up on the bed. She didn't say a word.

"You can't go Jess; it's not smart, it would be better if you stayed at home." Jess still stood with the phone to her ear. She never moved and it didn't look like she was breathing either. This was not the Jess I knew; I was turning her into something else. Her face was red. She was fuming. Anytime now, steam would start to blow from her ears.

Someone must have started talking to her because she held out her finger for me to shut up. "Hi, yes thank you. I would like to book a flight on Southwest for tomorrow at…"

"Jess…"

"I would like the 10:00am flight out of Seattle to Chicago. The non-stop flight…"

"Jess, listen to me."

Cutting me off, she put her hand over the receiver, "Shut up!" she growled at me and went back to talking to whoever she was talking to. "I need one seat, yes."

I snapped my mouth shut. I couldn't let this get any farther and she was pissing me off. As much as I didn't want to hurt her, I had to put my foot down. I was risking not having her around to help me get through _things_ and the possibility of being alone when I got back, but I had to do this on my own. It was the only way it was going to work.

She finally looked directly at me as I stepped in front of her, narrowing my eyes. She was still holding her ground so I reached up and snatched my phone from her hand, snapping it shut at the same time.

"Stop this now!" I yelled. I had to make my impression felt. She looked horrified, but it didn't stop her from shoving her tiny hands into my chest, nearly knocking me back. Though I was surprised at her strength, I refused to budge. For what it's worth, she should have been more upset. I was picturing objects being thrown, slaps in the face, swearing at the top of our lungs. Jess seemed to keep her resolve, but the threat in her voice wasn't about to break.

"God, Edward, this is not your decision to make!" she shouted back. Jess pushed me again, this time a little harder and with more strength. "Give me the phone!" She held out her hand. I flung the phone over the bed to the floor. She shoved me again and I had to take a step back. "What is your problem?" She shouted with another push to the chest. This pushing business was getting on my nerves.

"You're not fucking going, that's it! Don't fight me!" I crossed my arms and stepped in the most direct path to the phone on the floor. Jess, being sly and smarter than I am, went to the bed and started to crawl over.

"You can't tell me what I can and cannot do. Your not my mother. Your MY boyfriend!" She took a pillow and threw it at my head. I knocked it to the floor and started to breathe heavy. She was being childish and acting rash. And no I wasn't her fucking mother. The thought of Mrs. Stanley made me shiver. I didn't want this turning into a fight, but I was stupid if I didn't think it wasn't coming. Jess made it to the other side of the bed and took my phone again.

Controlling my temper, I grunted, "Will you please talk to me before you book the flight?" I had to reason with her now to avoid the knockdown brawl in my near future. I eased over to the other side of the bed where she was crawling on the floor for the phone and walked slowly towards her. Jess stood up and was already dialing the number, putting the phone to her ear. She wasn't going to listen and it aggravated the piss out of me.

"Hang it up…" I grabbed at the phone. She jerked away and turned her back to me, facing the wall.

"I'm not listening to you Edward. You're not going to talk me out of going. You won't!" Jess yelled and shook her head, starting to dial again. She would never understand, even if I explained it to her a million times. This was _my _inward journey that I had no idea if I would come back alive from, but I had to go. I had to prove it myself that I could love Jess one day-I didn't know when or if I could, but if I didn't go alone, I may be broken forever. Hell, I had to prove it to Bella too that she didn't have to worry I would surprise, stalk, and drag her behind random bars.

I inched closer to Jess and whispered, "Put the phone down."

"Hello… yes, I'll hold…" Her voice cracked and she was trembling a bit. I laid my hand lightly on her shoulders and pulled my face close behind her left ear.

"Put the phone done, Jess," I whispered again. Her arms tightened and her back shot up like a rod.

"STOP IT EDWARD! LEAVE ME ALONE!" She barked so loud I'm sure everyone in the house heard.

The inner rage bellowed in my chest. She was infuriating me to no end and I had to let out the fucking animal I knew I would become if she kept this up and one of us would get hurt.

I punched the palm of my hand into the wall over her right shoulder. Not wanting to harm her, I let loose on the wall again with another jab. I hammered it five times until I saw her cower at the sound. My bobbed and thrashed and I felt my hair thrash forward and back. Not helping the throbbing I already had. My adrenaline kicked in and I couldn't help but scream back at her.

"HANG UP THE PHONE OR I'LL FUCKING RIP IT OUT OF YOUR HANDS AGAIN!" I screamed feeling the pain of my palm against the wall. I never have been violent with or around women, but I had to scare her a little to get my point across.

I instantly regretting losing my temper.

Jess whipped around and whaled on my chest with her fists, pounding hard against me with tears rolling down her cheeks. She cried and let out awful sounds that no beautiful woman should. Her face contorted in odd shapes and her forehead wrinkled in hard stressful lines. Instantly, I felt responsible for putting her in any emotional pain. I was so busy with the fact she could help me, I never took time to realize that I needed to help her too. I just let her hit me; she needed to get it out too.

I was the selfish ass again.

She fell to the floor and let the phone drop to her side. She curled up into a little ball pulling her knees to her chest. This was fucked up. Jess had never seen me like this before and I had never see her like that either. So vulnerable. Never before had we let ourselves really_ see_ each other. I was too occupied with avoiding and she was too busy with denial. Or was that the other way around. Either or the door was now open and we both showed our true colors.

"Ahem!"

I stole myself away from Jess, looking out my bedroom door. Jasper stood there with his phone at his ear and a look of concern on his face; no doubt he heard our shouting match and the punches to the wall. I'm sure he just saw Jess beat my chest to a pulp too.

"Is everything alright?" He stepped into my room, looking down at Jess and eying me. Jasper still had the phone to his ear. He had been on the phone all afternoon, from the time we got home, I saw it glued to his ear.

"Who are you talking to?" I huffed. I was all of a sudden worried if the other caller heard everything that went down. It annoyed me; this was my business.

"Um… no one… Gotta go, call you later." He snapped the phone shut. Narrowing my eyes, I asked, "Who was that?"

"A old friend of mine. Don't worry about it. Can I talk to you in the hall?" Looking back at Jess again, she shivered. "You both need to have a little space." Jasper ushered me to the hallway; closing my bedroom door, we left Jess on the floor in her safe little ball.

I leaned my back against the wall and pushed my head back, running my fingers through my hair. Maybe I was too brash just now. A little brash? It was a fucking boxing match and my chest and bedroom wall got knocked out. I had to apologize. She had to be scared of me now.

"Edward, this is not the way to handle things with her. She's in love with you and only wants to protect what she loves. She feels so threatened right now. You have to walk on eggshells when you talk to her. Screaming and punching things aren't going to fix anything." He spoke quiet and low so Jess couldn't hear.

"I know. I know. She wasn't listening to me."

"Can you blame her? She doesn't trust you. She thinks she's going to lose you if you go without her." Jasper put his hands on my shoulders and looked me square in the eye. "Fuck dude, you can't treat women like that. Stop acting so cold and heartless."

The real truth rears its ugly head. Having Jasper think that I was cold and heartless was ballsy. He wasn't in my position and had no idea how this felt. He has never been in love with possibly two women at the same time. I could afford to be a little cold and heartless sometimes; being in _my head _all day was draining.

"Go alone to Chicago, Edward. You need to get it done." He paused, looking down at our feet, his hands still on my shoulders. "I want my friend back." Jasper was reading my thoughts, but his sudden encouragement of this trip left me a little suspicious. He said he supported me earlier today but it wasn't laced with a lot of doubt. This was not the time to think about what Jasper thought though. Jess was a fucking mess on my bedroom floor and I did that to her.

I nodded and gave a weak shrug, allowing him to release my shoulders and headed back into my room; Jess was still in her ball. I slid down the wall and sat next to her. She buried her head into her arms resting on her knees.

"Look at me," was all I could say. She lifted her head and allowed me to see the hurt and pain I caused. Her face was tear stained and puffy. She pouted her lips on the verge of more sobs. I knew I wasn't as heartless as Jasper thought because I felt a lump build in my throat. I did this to her and she didn't deserve it. I led her on and got her hopes up only to rip them away again. I wanted make this better for her; to make her pain go away.

"Edward, please let me do this. I can't let you go without me. I'm not going to lose you again. Not to her." Putting my finger to her soft lips, I shushed her to stop talking. Jess's head bobbed down and her shoulders started heaving. Hearing her gentle sobs fill her voice. I reached around her and rubbed her shoulders trying not to be _cold__,_ making her more relaxed. She still had the phone held tight in her hand. I took it gently from her fist, snapping it shut. She turned her back to me while I rubbed her shoulders, leaning onto my chest. I smelled her hair; it smelled of honeysuckle. Not bad, but not the same though. Lowering my arms around her, I hugged her close and put my lips to her ear.

"Can you listen to me now? Will you talk to me?" She nodded in agreement wiping the tears off her cheek. I nuzzled her neck with my nose.

"Don't you know how hard this is for me? I never let anyone, any woman, get close to me like this. I hate that I'm hurting you, but this is new for me. I didn't know how to handle telling you about the trip. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

"How long have you known about going?" She sniffled.

Jess was going to put two and two together if I told her the day a week ago, the same day of our 'pseudo date.' Well, no turning back now, I really didn't have anything else to lose. She would never agree to be with me when I got back now, but I owed her the truth.

"A week," I breathed, leaning my head back an inch, not really knowing how she would react.

"_A week_?" Jess turned her head around. "You have known this for a week and kept it to yourself? Ha! That's really ripe, Edward." Jess lurched forward away from me, pushing herself up to stand.

I felt cold again sitting on the floor.

I felt alone. _Make this better Edward._

"Shit Jess, please don't be like this. Charlie asked me to go and do this for him. I couldn't turn him down. He has done everything for me and I need do right by him. Believe when I say I don't want to go." I lied. I may not want to go, but I had to. "I wish there was some other way." There wasn't.

"There is some other way, _don't go_. Save yourself the trouble. Bella is a big girl. She can drive still, right? Why is this your responsibility? Doesn't she have a boyfriend? What the hell is Charlie thinking? You can't stand to be in the same room as Bella. You don't even let your friends speak her damn name in your presence," she ranted.

"I thought that if I go knowing that you would be waiting for me when I got home, it would make the trip easier… _to bear_." For the first time in like ever I felt butterflies in the pit of my stomach.

"So you were going to use me as your scapegoat?" That was polite for saying I was going to use her.

"Yes, in a way you can say that, but that wasn't my intentions. I don't want Bella anymore, but..."

"You can't trust yourself with Bella." Jess was always quick to pick up on the subtle and she was fucking smart. Maybe she knew me better than I thought. Jess had always felt threatened by Bella, even though she was never around. She was threatened by the fact she knew I still loved her. I would never admit it to her or myself, but deep down it was true. Jess thought she couldn't compete with the high standard I set up for her to follow. I spent most of the last several years tearing down that standard; I don't even think it exists anymore, not now, especially after New Years.

_I don't love you Edward, go home. _Bella's voice rang in my ears.

"Fuck you," she breathed quietly and started to cry again. I rubbed her shoulders so more; surprised she still allowed me to touch her.

Jess turned around facing me while wiping the tears from her eyes. "You want me to be that person that can give all of my heart to you and have no idea what I will get in return. I have to sit and wait and worry that my boyfriend-the man I love-could be falling back in love with his ex, whom I really doubt he ever got over in the first place."

That fucking stung, but it was the truth. When someone says it out loud, the words you've been running from, it kicks you in the ass. Jess saw more than I gave her credit for, but she knew what she was getting when she got involved with me. She got involved anyway, no strings attached. Now I was placing strings everywhere and hoping she would be my puppet that I could control for my own benefit.

Was I the stupid one or her?

She buried her face in her hands; rubbing away at her face in frustration. I thumbed her chin up so she would look at me. She obliged dropping her hands to her sides in defeat. She looked tired. I felt the same.

"She is engaged to Jake now. She is in love with him and going to start a life with him here in Forks. I'm not going to get in the way. You're what I want to come back too. I need you and I need you to be here for me. That's why you can't go. I have to make it on my own in order to fucking get her out of my head. I don't know what's going to happen, but I need you Jess." I was making promises I didn't know if I could keep. There was no way of knowing if any of this would work.

"I need you," I repeated in a whisper. Jess pulled my hand from her chin and placed it on her chest; right over her heart.

"I love you Edward… You always put these conditions on our relationship and I always went along. Last week you gave me hope and it's not fair. I want you to say you love me back. I want you to feel it like I feel it. Have you ever felt anything for me?" Jess looked into my eyes, but she already knew the answer. "Wait, don't answer that." sparing herself.

Closing my eyes, I stepped to her and pressed my forehead to hers. I held her cheek in my hand as I kept the other on her heart.

"I'm sorry Jess. I do have feelings for you. I care about you. The truth is that I don't know if I can love anyone again if I don't let her go. This is whole reason I'm going. Please understand I'm doing this for me, and I'm doing it for you in the long run."

I moved my lips close to her mouth, not touching them quite yet. "Please tell me you will wait for me Jess. I never needed someone so much in my life as I need you right now." Kissing her lips, I felt her start to relax against my body. She pulled me close to hug her and buried her head in my chest.

"Is this why you haven't made love to me?" She mumbled into my chest.

Now I have to explain this. Can this night get any better?

"I didn't want to have sex with you before I left. I wanted to do shit right by you. Be a real boyfriend for once. Real boyfriends wait, right? I don't know; it's been awhile. I was trying to take gentlemen lessons from Jasper on proper etiquette for dating. I guess you noticed." I chuckled trying to lift her spirits.

I felt her smile against my chest. She rubbed at my waist, lifting my shirt exposing my skin. She moved her hands under my shirt and felt up my back while lifting her head; looking at me.

"Yeah, I noticed. How could I not when you go from having a pure sexual relationship to… nothing. I felt like when we made out, one of my parents were going to catch us. It's been a long time since I felt so innocent. I kinda liked it. I never felt more turned on over being sexually frustrated." Her lips curled up into a smile. I couldn't help but smile back and her back rub felt wonderful. I know I was holding out on her, but maybe I needed to feel her again to keep the memory alive. A goodbye lay. The way she was looking at me made me know she was deprived as much as I was. Her brow arched and she smild in a half grin almost slyly tempting me to give in.

Who was I kidding, I was so weak.

"So do you wanna?" I whispered with as much lust I could muster. "My parents are at the movies and we are all alone. We won't get caught." She laughed then narrowed her eyes.

"I don't know; what about your girlfriend? She seems to _always_ get in the way?" She teased, but it was mean which was fine. I was a prick.

"She's getting married," I said bluntly. Jess shot a look. _Yes Jess, I can' play too._

"That's too bad for her. You must be upset. She must have a good man then." That was a low blow but I deserved it.

"He's a douche, but who cares. I have a good woman right here." Time to charm.

"Oh really, who is this good woman you speak of? I never know anymore," Jess said dryly while she flipped her hand in the air.. She was getting a little snarky.

"Jess… shut up." I stopped her from talking again with a kiss. She smiled into the kiss trying to talk back. Silencing her more, I moved my mouth over hers slowly. I felt her tongue tickle my lower lip and I opened wider to let her in. I moaned into her mouth; she tasted so fucking good. I knew I was getting hard from all the suggestive talk we just had but when Jess kissed me like the way she did, I was done. It always made it hard to stop especially when I was trying to wait but right now I wasn't fucking stopping.

Jess took her hands off my back and moved them up to my hair. Massaging my scalp and pulling. I wrapped my arms around her back and pulled her closer. I felt down her ass and squeezed roughly. My girl likes it a little rough. Her hold on my hair tightened. I liked it a little rough too.

She kissed me hard and our teeth clinked together because we couldn't slow down. I felt my touge play with hers and she bit my lower lip. She sucked it hard and released it back to me as I searched for more. She took her hands out of my hair and slid them down to my belt, quickly undoing the buckle and pulling it out like a whip. It turned me on. I rolled my eyes back in my head in excitement that I was finally going to have sex. We needed the bed fast. With my hands still on her ass, she gasped as I lifted her up to my waist. She laughed in my mouth while she wrapped her legs around me. Her legs were strong and tight. I flopped us on the bed and rested my chest on top of her. Our kisses grew more intense and I roamed her body with my hands feeling every inch of her stomach and hips. She felt so good and warm. I let my hand wander down to her center to see if it felt just as warm as the rest of her. God, it did. I growled and kissed her again. I didn't want to wait anymore. She felt so good and her little sounds she made were driving me crazy.

"It's been too long." I moaned pressing my head into her neck giving her a kiss. I sucked behind her ear knowing how that made her feel. It was her weak spot and she would say 'yes' to anything if I stayed there. I ached to see her breasts and take her nipples in my mouth. On cue, she lifted my shirt over my head and broke our kiss.

"You're the one who wanted to wait," She breathed sarcastically, throwing my shirt somewhere over… I don't know… somewhere far away. I didn't look and didn't fucking care.

She felt up my chest and around to my back. Her faded green tee was in the way and needed to come off. I pulled her up so I was straddling over her, taking off her shirt in one swift motion. Her bra was white and lacy. It repulsed me for getting to touch her all day. She reached behind her back and undid the clasp, but not taking her bra off; she was going to let me. I smiled that she knew what I liked. I grabbed at the straps and pulled them down off her arms slowly. I groaned again. I felt my dick twitch from the sight of her tits. They were perfect and round.

"_You look beautiful." I said into her ear. She loved it when I whispered to her while we made love. _

Jess. Focus on Jess. I paused looking at Jess. Focus Edward.

Shit. Not now.

I scanned over her body again. I felt like a hungry animal the way I was looking at her. She didn't look too different- her face matched mine.

"Don't stop, touch me." Jess took her hand to the back of my head and angled me down to her chest.

"_I want your hands on me." I couldn't get enough touching her. She felt so good. _Fuck!

Jess.

Moving my mouth to her tit, I licked and sucked her nipple. I felt like I could stay there forever.

"_I love tasting you." Bella heaved her chest to my mouth. _

Stop it! Don't do this to yourself_._

I heard her moan and felt her body fall back to the bed. Closing my eyes, I cupped her other breast with my hand and massaged circles in time with my sucking. She moaned louder and she thrust her hips up against my jailed cock. My man down there was screaming to get out. He wanted to play too.

"_Edward__…"_

Fuck! Get out of my head Bella!

"Ummmmm..." Jess's moan made my eyes roll back in my head. She was enjoying herself while I was getting lost again. My erection grew harder and harder under my work pants I was still wearing. They needed to come off.

I needed to breathe first and concentrate. Preventing the Bella infestation of my rotted mind, I released Jess's nipple from my mouth and shook my head.

_Clear thoughts. _

_Jess thoughts. Okay. Jess sex thoughts…_

_Jess sucking my dick. Good one. _

_Jess fucking me. Even better one._

_Shower and Jess._

_Jess in the shower fucking me._

_Jess in the shower while I fucked her from behind._

_Jess in the shower while I fucked her from behind feeling my ball slap against her ass._

_Good. This is good. Getting the visual now. _

_Okay good. I'm good now. Good. Go time. _

Letting go of Jess, I half kneeled up. Jess sat up out of breath and looked down at my confined erection. Giving me a mischievous look, she fondled me through my pants. The touch alone made my breath hitch. She started to stroke me through my clothes. The friction was good but I needed more.

"Fuck, take them off," I grunted through clenched teeth.

She savagely tore into my pants, unbuttoning and pulling at the zipper. I felt my cock jump out my boxers, the cool air making me twitch. I watched Jess take the palm of her hand and lick the length, wetting it. She brought it back to my cock and started to stroke, up and down. With her other hand she played with my balls. It felt fucking fantastic. My head fell back and I grunted into the air. I felt the rush of pleasure warm my body. Swaying my hips in tune with her hand fucking, I reached down and twisted and pinched her hard nipple. Shit felt good, but her mouth would feel better. I looked back down and it was like she read my mind as I watched her change her position to take me in her mouth. Watching her lips wrap around my dick she plunged me into her mouth. Her tongue played up my length and she hummed slightly as she moved back and forth. This was the best feeling ever. I was going to bathe in it and smear all over my body; it was good.

Then we were stopped mid blow by the loudest motherfucker ever.

Emmett. Fucking Emmett!

"Hey dude, I'm glad you two are fucking and making up, but shut the door for crying out loud. We hear you all the way downstairs." Emmett yelled from the hallway as he banged my door.

"All I wanted was my laptop from my room…" He just stood there half covering his eyes with his hand and half peeking.

"Of all the fucking time Em......" I yelled trying to cover Jess with my hands, not really succeeding.

"Boobs....." he mumbled louder taking his hand off his face. Emmett flashed an evil grin and stared. Jess turned bright red and threw a pillow over her chest. I couldn't help but laugh. This was all I needed; Emmett was breaking my stride and I finally had a clear head. This night couldn't get better. Seriously, best night ever. Someone mark it up in my long playlist of fucked up situations; like I needed anymore. It amused me that no matter how hard I tried to have sex with another woman, something always got in the way, either it be Bella or cock-blocking Emmett.

This is my life.

I shook my ass a little letting my balls smack against my legs. I knew Emmett was only looking at one thing, Jess's tits. He most likely missed my naked ass right in front of him. But the ball slapping broke his concentration.

"My eyes… my eyes… I looked too long… too much Edward… his ass!" He slapped a hand over his eyes and chocked out a strong 'gag'.

"Stop being a perv and close the door for me man… I'm not getting up so you can eye fuck my cock 'n' balls!" I stared down at Jess and attacked her lips again not giving a shit what Emmett saw.

"If I wanted to watch porn I would have raided Jasper's lonely man's stash! When you fuck, keep your door shut!"

"GO AWAY!" Jess and I both yelled together. With that, Emmett slammed the door and I heard a faint, "Fuck off Em!" from the direction of Jasper's room.

We both laughed hard because I'm sure Emmett saw my ass crack and it scarred him for life. Our laughter didn't last long as Jess grabbed my hair again and pulled me down on her. I shimmied the rest of my pants to the foot of the bed and pried my boxers down far enough to not cause any leg restriction. Lying on top of Jess, she wrapped her legs around my butt. Locking me into her hold, I could feel the heat off her crotch through her jeans. These defiantly needed to come off. I cupped her cheek and kissed her mouth hard; my other hand traced the line of her jeans waistband. Unbuttoning her pants, I started to tug them down.

Then I smelled it. The best smell on the face of the earth. The same smell that took me away to many wet dreams and fucking awesome fantasies. Vanilla and Strawberries. There was no mistaking it. This wasn't honeysuckle like Jess. It was distinct vanilla and strawberries.

"_Edward." I heard her breathe. Bella._

"_Uh God, you turn me on! Touch me" She panted her hot breath into my mouth. _

Jess wiggled her jeans and panties the rest of the way off. Now we were both completely naked.

"_I love your skin on my skin. I never __want you__ to get dressed... ever." I bit her neck and Bella moaned._

I looked into Jess's eyes. They weren't blue anymore but brown.

_Bella._

Her hair was dark brown-not light brown.

_Bella_

Lowering my head, I smelled her neck. Vanilla and strawberries, not honeysuckle like Jess. I blinked. I want this to be Jess.

I blinked again.

_Bella._

I was messed up. Jess is not Bella. Bella is not Jess.

Jess grabbed my head to look at her. Seeing Jess again at last, finally. Now I could concentrate on Jess.

Not realizing I was holding my breath. I smelled the air again.

Honeysuckle. Jess was back.

Jess went back to normal before my eyes. Her eyes went blue again and her hair turned light brown. She bit her lip staring back into my eyes.

The way she bit her lip reminded me of Bella. Fuck! I averted my eyes not worthy of the love she felt for me. This feels fucking terrible. Surely, I looked fucked up. I had too.

I was ready to be served my steamy, hot side dish of guilt. Jess could read me. I wanted to hide and turned my face away.

Ashamed.

She frowned and took both my cheeks in her hands. She started to search my eyes more closely, like she was looking for something. She knew what she was looking for. It didn't take her long to find it.

_It_ never left.

"Tell me you're here with me. Tell me I'm the only girl in your bed. It's just you and me right now. Tell me." She pleaded.

"I can't."

***

I laid my head on Jess's stomach and sighed to myself. It felt good letting my head gracefully float up and down with her breathing.

We were in sync.

We stayed up all night and it was almost time for me to go. I had to leave early to meet Charlie at his house; he was taking me to the airport so that I could leave my car at his house. It was a long drive so we had to get an early start. I hadn't packed yet, but I didn't need much. It was going to be a short trip.

34 hours.

Jess's skin felt soft and smooth under my rough beard. It was such a contrast and I must have been scratching the hell out of her, but she didn't move or say a word. She lay, still not moving me from her stomach, playing with my hair, which had to be sticking in every direction. It felt fucking good. I didn't deserve the gesture, but it helped my headache ease up.

She was right to stop us, well, to stop me. She saw it more clearly than I did. Jess wasn't the only person in bed with us. Normally, any guy would love a threesome but my bed was too crowed.

Who could blame Jess for stopping? I would too if I was in her shoes.

I needed to get this trip over with and get on with my life. How was I ever going to have sex or _make_ _love _to anyone else with _her_ in my fucking head?

It was fucking ridiculous.

"It's alright; don't beat yourself up about it." Jess said. I looked up at her confused. We haven't talked for the last hour, just laid in silence waiting, waiting for the dreaded hour to come for me to leave.

"You said it's gonna be a short trip. You'll be back before you know it. You can get closure and be home with me by Friday." Jess traced her finger along my lip line.

"Yep, 34 hours is all it takes." I smiled taking her finger in my mouth, tasting and sucking.

"Edward?"

"Yes?" with a mouth full.

Jess took her wet finger out and ran it along her nipple leaving a slight glisten over the bumpy surface.

Damn, I liked the view even if it was a tease. My mind was already starting to cloud over. She knew what she was doing, fucking toying with me. It was her time to be a little mean.

"I deserve more." She stopped the nipple action and gave me a look.

I blinked. "You do deserve more… way more… you…" She shushed me and sighed. I pushed my chin up bringing my arms to rest on her stomach as I laid my chin back down needing to look her in the eyes.

"We can work on it when you get back. I will wait for you." She smiled and lightly whisked my hair back. "I just want you to understand that I'm better than this, but I'm doing this because I love you and I'm stupid for loving a man who doesn't love me… yet," Jess whispered.

"You're not mad? You don't want to run for the fucking hills or something?" I questioned. "I want to promise you everything, but…"

"Edward, please shut up." I snapped my mouth shut, tight.

"No, I'm not mad at you. I know what you're going through." She repositioned herself to be level with my eyes. "It's hard to see the love of your life with someone else, even if it is all in your mind." My heart fell. "I'm not going to be naive. I know there is a chance you're not coming back to me, but I want to be optimistic. This last week has been one of the best weeks of my life. You treated me like you never have. The way you looked at me, and the way you kissed me showed me that you're still in there. The Edward that used to be. The unbroken Edward that is capable of moving on. You finally looked alive and hopeful for once. I knew then, when I saw it in your eyes that you are worth it. You're worth it to me. That's why I'm going to wait." Jess brushed her hand to the side of my face.

"Here, I have an idea." She reached over, moving me from the most comfortable position I've been in ages and grabbed my phone laying on the floor.

"Come lay with my up here." She patted her pillow and put her head down. I moved up and laid my head next to hers. Jess opened the phone up and took a picture of our heads snuggled together. She turned the phone around and looked at the picture. We looked intimate and our hair looked sexed, but we looked comfortable. The most comfortable. I had a slight smile on my lips and her eyes were closed as she brushed her lips on my forehead. She looked content; I looked happy. Jess saved the picture to my background of my welcome page. All I had to do was flip open the phone to see us… together… happy.

Comfortable.

She shut the phone and placed it in my hand closing my fingers around it, intertwining hers in mine. "When things start to get too hard or _happen_, then look at your phone and think of me." She smiled, "Know that I'm here at home waiting for you to come back to me. I'm here ready to love you like you deserve. No bullshit. It's all me and no games. Come back to me Edward, come home to me."

"Kay?"

I believed her. I wanted to be her boyfriend. A real boyfriend. She deserved it.

"Kay."

She was going to let me 'use' her only if it meant she had a chance to love me.

She was gambling a high stakes game and she was going to be the risk taker for me. I wasn't worth the gamble but I would bet on her any day.

**A/N I'm so glad Jess isn't going on the trip! Hey, I knew that already. She would bug the crap out of me the whole way home. **

**Well, as I told a few I wasn't going to throw a lemon in there which I only threw a half a lemon. More like watered down lemonade. Anyway, still no sexin for Jess and Edward. **

**I'm thinking about doing a JessPOV, would that rock or nay? I think I already know but want to hear what you say.**

**Review for the love of pete!! I need feedback on this bitch! *cowers under my computer desk, _please_***


	6. Edward the Orphan

**A/N Thanks to everyone who reviewed and put me on alerts, seriously the most so far. I'm blushing! **

**Just to put minds to ease, this is indeed a Edward and Bella story...so don't you all fret about Jess. I have decided against her POV and will focus more on some Eddie and Bellie action. **

**Also much thanks to Annabella Laurie for being a super beta! *even when she does take forever* hehe!, I still love you. **

Chapter 6-Edward the Orphan.

It seemed like last night with Jess was already weeks behind me, even though it's only been an hour since I had my head on her stomach. I couldn't smell her honeysuckle on my clothes anymore. It faded fast into the oblivion of my own standard musk.

"_Come home to me."_ Her last words were still playing in my mind.

That could have been the most poetic phrase if you took time to read into it and I fucking did. Jess was home in a sense of the word. She was everything I could equate to happiness and salvation once I did my job. My part of the bargain-hold up my end of the deal-just come home to her. It was simple enough and Jess wasn't demanding anything from me, which also gave me an out. She wasn't going to make expectations on me. Knowing that I could jack everything up, she still cared and loved me for whatever reasons she had. She was going on complete faith I would return and give up any fantasy of Bella.

"_Come home to me." _

That simple sentence carried more weight the more I thought about it. It was an innocent request and not a hard thing to pull off. Actually doing it on the other hand, I wasn't sure if I could. I had all the intentions but_ I knew me._ I couldn't be trusted; I was not reliable. What did Jess see that made her think I could be the man I used to be?

I should have just let Jess go with me. The longer that I was away from Jess, the harder I felt it was to give Bella up.

Out of sight out of mind, right?

After she told me to come home to her, I kissed her and held her for a couple more minutes before I had to get out of bed to shower; when I came back, she was gone, my bed empty and her clothes missing off the floor. She left me like everyone else. I felt betrayed and alone again. My chest grew tight and my breathing felt restricted knowing she couldn't stand to see me leave her. She couldn't even say goodbye to me. I entertained the thought of some grandiose heartfelt declaration would suddenly fall out of my mouth if she stuck around but she just fucking vanished and took all the tokens of her away.

No more smell. No more soft skin. No more sweet tastes. It was gone.

What could I have even said that I hadn't said already and really mean it?

It still angered me that I couldn't hold one iota of longing for Jess in the last minute before my departure. So who can blame her for leaving? She was not going to get the send off she wanted, only a half-assed kiss and 'see you real soon' from me. Jess was riding on the fact I would come home a changed man. It would only be fair to her if I tried. So being alone right now wasn't a bad thing.

I didn't want to resent her like everyone else that hurt me in one way or another. My inward journey was also acting as her inward journey. Jess gave a lot of herself to me last night and I had no right to be pissed at her. Still with the empty bed and missing clothes, I didn't feel like she made a lasting impression if you will, on me. At least not the one I was hoping for.

My room felt cold and barren without her in it, but that didn't bother me. What bothered me was that, with all my proclamations that I made to her about how I needed and wanted her when I got back, it just didn't feel right. I was talking myself into trying to love Jess, but you can't talk yourself into love. It just comes when it's fucking there. I didn't love Jess and I never would or at least that's what I thought. I had to lie to myself in order to get through this. Bella would _not_ be the death of me.

Love with Jess could be a learned thing. Maybe I was wrong, maybe love can be there and you not know it-lurking deep down waiting to be built up. It was like climbing up a ladder, with every ring you scaled was another notch into the Ole' Edward heart. Jess was around step three or four, not fully ascended but not grounded yet.

All I knew was my body missed Jess, but my mind was confused. I would have promised her the world last night, but it would have been all a lie. She was too good for me and everyone knew it. My friends loved her and I'm sure my parents would have welcomed her with open arms into the family. She would have fit in without hesitation. All I pictured my whole life was Bella as my family, but now Jess was in that picture and I almost felt like I was betraying my dream. Really, that dream was never going to come true and I had to get used the fact that Bella was gone forever and Jess was second fiddle.

It tore me up feeling this conflicted about Jess and Bella. I couldn't have fucked things up more last night. Jess chose not to give up on me. She could have walked out the door a million times last night, but she stayed. She stayed when I couldn't even fuck her properly. She stayed when she knew all I could think in the heat of the moment was Bella. She stayed because she loved me. Jess would never cheat on me like Bella did. She was more woman then Bella would ever be in my book.

That's it. I had to try.

I had to let go of my stupid reservations that Jess wasn't ever going to live up. Give up on the dream Edward. Not all your wishes come true in the real world. Life doesn't always pan out to how it should be or how you want it to be. You'll just have to endure it and live with yourself. I might always love Bella, but Jess was going to have my devotion. Love with me, from now on, will be a learned emotion. I must condition myself over and over and remind myself that Bella is not the end all and be all of women. Jess had a place too and she filled it well because she wanted too, not because she cared about what people thought. She did it for pure love. Jess reminded me of myself long ago when I trusted in love, before it broke me. I wanted to see myself again as Jess saw me. She was the key to getting better, not just the long ass road trip I was about to take.

I still felt like I was lying every time I tried psyching myself me into this. Shake it off Masen.

Shake it off.

I held my phone in my hand and looked down at the picture Jess took of us. Having a feeling I was going to be looking at this a lot, I snapped it shut and placed it my pocket. I patted my pants and whispered, "Thanks Jess." I hoped she knew.

***

Right before I left, I went to the kitchen to grab something to eat, mainly to see if I could subside the nausea I was starting to feel rise in my stomach. The smell of bacon and toast filled the room. I closed my eyes and inhaled, taking in the sweet smells of hickory and wheat. Rose must have seen me and called me out.

"Are you going to stand there like a complete idiot or do you want something to eat?" She tapped her foot on the tile waiting for me to answer.

"I want something to eat." I said plainly and looking a little dumb. My stomach growled all of a sudden and the nausea was gone. I was just really fucking hungry. I didn't get to eat dinner last night and I missed the killer spaghetti Rose made.

"Good, fix your plate. It's ready." Rose pointed to the counter where she had scrambled eggs heaped on a dish, hash browns and toast next to that, and strawberries sliced in a bowl. I was impressed. Rose rarely made it out of bed early enough to even catch lunch, let alone fix a full breakfast.

"What's the fucking occasion and why are you up so early?" I walked over to the counter and picked up a clean plate, spooning eggs onto it.

"Edward, you cuss too much. You're going to have to watch it for the next couple of days. You know how Bella doesn't like it." Rose eyed me as she made her way over to my side, picking up a clean plate.

Feeling the belly laugh rise out of control, I couldn't hold back the thunderous roar that escaped my mouth. I began laughing so hard my body shook and I had to set my plate down in fear of spilling it; I probably looked like I was having a coronary. Rose just said the most asinine thing I ever heard. She had the gall to remind me how to act around Bella. I like my crude mouth and by now, saying "fuck" and "shit" were as effortless as saying my own name. I never noticed my speech or cared to censor myself anymore. What the fuck for? Take me or leave me. Jess was going to take me. She liked my 'fucks' and 'shits.' I wasn't going to change just to make Bella feel more comfortable.

Rose's face was priceless. Not only was I really embarrassing her, but I was pissing her off at the same time. I had the nerve to laugh in her face. Not many people stood up to Rosalie Hale, but sure as hell, I did. She didn't scare me with her bitch stares and demanding tones. Her beautiful face was now red scrunched up in a tight scowl.

I loved it. I'm sure Emmett would be backing my shit up too.

I wanted to tell Rose to 'fuck off,' but breakfast looked and smelled too fucking good to pass up and if I did yell a nice stream of profanities her way, I mostly likely would have egg in my face.

I decided to be nice.

Even though my mouth was fucking sore from laughing, I managed to get out, "You got to be kidding me!" Doubling over to catch my breath, I put my hands on my knees and took deep breaths.

In and out. In and out.

Phew! Wiping my brow, I shook my head and picked up my plate again

I needed a good laugh after the night I had and the day to come.

"You're not funny Edward!" Rose seethed holding her hand at her sides with clenched fists.

"I know! _You're__ the funny one_." I patted my abdomen, resting my stomach muscle, which ached from laughing so hard.

Rose huffed, turning back to fill her plate, forcibly loading it with a pile of eggs and hash browns.

Still chuckling to myself, I apologized, "Look Rose, I'm sorry. Thanks for making breakfast; you didn't have to do that." I smiled shyly and nudged her in the shoulder with my own.

She still looked stiff. I nudged her again. A small grin played across her mouth and I knew I was forgiven. Staying mad at Rose was futile**. ** Nobody ever won an argument with her. Just look at Emmett, he was a little puppy dog when she was around. It was always, 'yes honey this' and 'yes honey that.' It was very endearing really. I missed that feeling.

Filling my plate, I stepped to the table and sat down. The food smelled delicious and I couldn't wait to dig in. Rose followed close behind and sat to my right. While I was devouring my food, I noticed that Rose still hadn't started eating. She played with her eggs and poked her fork at the strawberries, but never took an actual bite. I ignored her and kept to my task of filling my stomach fast, wanting to leave soon. I still wanted to see Emmett and Jaz before I left. I assume they were still in bed considering it was five o'clock in the morning.

Taking the last bite in my mouth, I looked up to Rose who was still playing with her food.

"Thanks for breakfast," I said as I pushed my chair out to stand.

"I called Bella last night… after you and Jess went up stairs," Rose blurted out as she turned towards me, watching as I took my plate to the sink.

I could feel she was evaluating me, trying to gauge my reaction. I paused mid step on my way to the sink. It was Rose's turn now to tell me how stupid I was and how fucked up this was going to be.

I need another heart to heart like a hole in the head.

Might as well play along; surly it would make her feel better to get it off her chest. Rose was probably worried about Bella more than me-if I even was worried. Even though I was used to the idea of the trip, I had to remind myself that our friends just found out yesterday and are still trying to adjust to my new turn in personality towards Bella and Jess for that matter. My actions were certainly not keeping in time with how I was the last couple of years.

I was also putting myself in a situation that I hammered over and over I would never do again:

Be close to Bella.

Rose was most likely thinking that I had some hidden agenda or vendetta planned. She would be a little right, but I didn't want to harm Bella. No revenge. Jealously would be nice, but no revenge.

I had Jess. Keep the mantra going, Edward. _You have Jess_.

Jess, Jess, Jess, and a little more Jess.

I sighed, "I assumed she didn't tell you yesterday by the look in your eyes... I guess Emmett clued you in on my reasons for going."

"Yes, he did. He thinks you're insane, but that's not why I called her." Rose got up and made her way to the fridge, opening the door, she took out the orange juice.

"Okay, then why did you call her?" I placed my plate in the sink, turning on the water to rinse it.

Taking a glass out of the cabinet, Rose poured herself a cup. "I wanted to know why she didn't tell me for one. I'm her best friend and you…" Rose's breath caught. She stopped and took sip while she eyed me sheepishly. She must have decided not to say everything that was on her mind at that moment. It must have hurt her that Bella didn't confide in her. I don't know what Bella's reasons were, but I'm sure I would find out soon.

Wonderful! Now I would be dealing with girl drama too. I looked up at the ceiling.

_Really God, are my parents putting you up to this? _

"She didn't answer the phone." Rose rolled her eyes and looked at me.

"Oh," was all I could say. I wasn't expecting that or what she was about to tell me.

Rose took her glass and set it on the counter top. "Look Edward, I'm not going to give you a long drawn out speech. I'm sure you had your fill from everyone else…" Rose waved her hand in the air. "I just want to tell you two things."

"What?" Make this quick Rose; if you have to lecture me just make it fast.

She crossed her arms over her chest and looked me dead in the eye. "Behave yourself, you put so much blame and guilt on her that the two of you together is just..…I don't know, it's just weird."

She stepped closer to me and reached up on her tippy toes so she was eye level with me, batting her eyelashes, "And Edward…...keep your dick in your pants." Did she know? Did Jaz tell her about new years too?

Letting out a defeated loud 'argh' sound, I crossed my arms to mimic Rose and I stepped right to her as she backed down to her feet again. I looked her straight in the eyes and with as much resolve as I could manage I said coldly, "Don't worry about my dick. I got it taken care of."

With that, I leaned down, kissed the top of her head, threw a warm smile and walked out of the kitchen.

I heard a loud huff and plates clanging as Rose gathered up the dishes in the sink.

I let a couple of loud chuckles travel behind me just to piss the shit out of her.

***

I went upstairs to wake up Emmett to say goodbye. His room was like a train wreck hit it. I'm shocked that Rose hasn't made him pick things up, but here all his shit lies and looked fucking gross. I swear, if I step on something food related or see a small rodent scurrying across the floor, I will kick his ass out. It was just foul and I swore I smelt something musty; it also felt a little damp in here.

Emmett was sprawled across the bed with nothing covering him but his briefs, snoring happily away. Not the exact picture I wanted to see this early in the morning, but it's Emmett, you take him as he is.

Shaking his shoulder, because I wasn't touching him anywhere else with a ten-foot pole, I whispered, "Wakey Wakey Em."

My 'wakey wakey' routine was not new. I did it almost every morning Rose wasn't here. The shit head hated to set his alarm clock and I of course, being the punctual person I am, had to wake him. I decided to use the phrase that Lauren Mallory used when they used to date. Lauren was an annoying bitch to say the least and I would here her chant 'wakey wakey' every fucking morning. It incensed Emmett to no end with her squeaky voice and perky sentiment. He broke it off with her just for the fact he hated to rise every morning to 'wakey wakey' so of course that's what I had to use from the day Lauren was the bitch last standing down our hallway.

"Wakey wakey, Em." I whispered again close to his ear in my best 'girl' voice.

He snorted, swatted at his ear as if shoeing a fly and turned his head away from me.

"Fucking Lauren." He mumbled in his sleep.

"It's like waking the dead." I sighed in defeat.

Shaking a little harder this time, well actually fucking bouncing on the bed a little, I rose my voice, "Wake the fuck up Em, I'm leaving, time to say 'goodbye'."

Startled Emmet woke and jerked himself up, "Goodbye!.....What?.....Dude?"

He finally noticed me through his sleepy haze and pushed me, "Your jumping on me man! Stop knockin' boots on my bed. Didn't you get enough action last night?"

I got off the edge of his bed and planted my feet on the floor, hoping I don't step on anything alive.

"Nothing happened, you killed my shit." I joked and started to walk out.

"That's cause you're gay." Emmett chuckled having the last word.

I picked up whatever random thing on the floor I could find and chucked it at him. Emmett's too fast and I missed. I internally groaned to myself; I really wanted to hit him.

"I'm leaving, see you when I get back and clean your shit up. It stinks in here." I waved over my head as I walked out the room towards Jasper's.

"Hey Dude, I was told to remind you to keep your dick in your pants." He laughed curling back into bed.

I yelled over my shoulder, "That woman of yours keeps you a short leash!" Emmett continued to laugh as I left his room. I thought I got a faint 'it wasn't Rose' remark but I wasn't sure.

Jasper's light was on so I tapped lightly on the door and let myself in. He was lying on his bed, talking on the fucking phone again! What in the hell is he doing? He saw me and looked like a deer caught in the headlights. He closed his phone nervously and played with the antenna.

"Jasper, who in th-"

He hopped up from his bed, interrupting me. "Hey, you leaving? Well, have a good time…" He stood smiling nervously while he walked to me pushing me to the door.

" …and keep your dick in your pants." He raised both of his eyebrows and took in a slow breath ending in a sly smile.'.

"What did you three have a pow wow or something?" This was annoying to say the least. No one had faith in me but Jess and she shouldn't really either. Jess should be telling me the same thing.

_Keep your dick in your pants Masen. _I pinched the bridge of my nose.

I'm a prick; I looked at Jaz like he was the bad guy.

"Sorry dude, its expected by some people that you can't be trusted. I'm just doing a girl a favor." He smiled and shoved me in the shoulder. I guess the girl was Rose he meant which infuriated me further.

"Thanks for the fucking vote of confidence." I chided as I turned to leave. "See you when I get back, if I still have my dick left, apparently I can't keep in my pants. Why don't you lend me your chastity belt, you know for the ride. So my dick knows its place. Or is it rusted shut on your ass?"

"Shut up man, I'm just trying to help." He lamented.

I hit Jasper back and moved around him.

Jasper stopped me with a hand on my shoulder. "Edward, this will all be okay. I have a feeling."

I glanced back at him minutely, just enough to give him a shallow grin

"I hope so. Sorry about the chastity belt thing. When I get back we'll find someone to screw you." I snickered thinking how Jasper was hopelessly single.

***

It only took Charlie and I exactly three hours and twenty seven minutes to get from his house in Forks to Seattle, Tacoma International Airport. I watched the clock the whole time. The ride was exceptionally slow. It felt like it wasn't three hours, but a whole day instead. I kept thinking back to Jess and challenging myself to the chore of burning her image in my brain. I needed anything to keep the memory alive of every touch she gave and every whisper she uttered.

It was really fucking hard.

Closing my eyes, I would picture Jess standing on my front porch waiting for me to come home. She wore a sundress with bare feet. Her hair lightly whipped in the breeze. She smiled sweetly and motioned for me to come to her. I know I start to walk to her, but things start to look clouded and I stop. Almost like a fog sets in and takes over all my view of the house, front porch, and Jess. That fog carries it all away. Then it's all gone and I'm standing there alone.

I squeezed my eyes shut again to re-picture it, trying to force a different outcome, but it never changes.

The whole way I made small talk with Charlie not really knowing what to say. It was a lot of head nodding and 'yes' or 'no' answers, a lot of mindless chatter about the weather and baseball, which I had zero interest in. The silences in between topics felt like a giant white elephant was in the car with us. Both of us wanting to say what was really on our minds, but being too spineless to say it. This already felt awkward. I shouldn't feel this way and I shouldn't feel nervous as hell either. I should be able to tell Charlie that I still loved Bella and this was killing me. I should say that I have Jess waiting back at home and she's willing to fuck my brains out to forget Bella, but those are things you say to Emmett or Jasper, _not Charlie_. Charlie should be telling me that he really wants Bella and I to reconcile. He should tell why it's me that has to go. I should tell him why I really am going. It's not just for him anymore; it manifested into something much more. This was about my survival and sanity. The Bella Swan chokehold she had on me was going to be broken no matter what I had to do.

This trip was going to be a piece of cake.

Manta, Mantra, Mantra

I have Jess now. I have Jess now.

I got my phone with Jess's picture and I was good to go. No Bella infiltration was going to strike me down. I was well armed with a plan and a girl at home.

Mantra, Mantra, Mantra

Jess. Jess. Jess.

I sounded deluded. I had to be.

Sighing as we pulled up to the curb, the long trek from Forks to the airport was over and I had to face the inevitable plane ride to the windy city.

No turning back now.

Well, I could turn back once I got to the ticket counter to check in. No one would see me. Charlie wasn't going to see me off any further than this curb right here. He wasn't the type for long drawn out tearful goodbyes. Slipping away, I could rent a car and call Jess telling her I was fucking chicken shit and was coming home. Even being as frail and sick as he is, Charlie would still kick my ass and I would still be scared of him if he threatened to do so. So turning back, not such a good idea.

Charlie seemed to be in good spirits and had a hop in his step when I arrived at his house earlier this morning. I took note that he looked better than usual and his skin was a more peach color then white as a fucking ghost.

I chucked silently to myself at the whole memory of this morning.

"_Did you go tanning or something?" I joked looking at his face and hands__,__ the only visible skin. I __handed__ him a coffee as I sipped mine._

_Charlie just grinned and said, "Nah! But I feel good today. Must be the weather. It's been nice out. Too bad__,__you're__ not going to be here this week. I feel up to fishing." He grinned again, beaming and blowing on his cup like it was going to help cool down the beverage._

_I think I can place what it __was__ I __saw__ in Charlie __this morning__, excitement__.__ He had no care in the world right at__that__ instant. He looked hopeful and a little carefree. He would never admit it to me__,__ but I was sure he was nervous too. He had a slight tension in his shoulders like he still carried the weight of the world on his shoulders__, but __with all else, he looked good. His hands still shook and when he walked__,__ he still swayed a little to the left__,__ but really__,__ that was the only sign __of his illness.__ Bella coming back was a burden lifted __off__his__ shoulders. He __didn't need to__ worry anymore about her being so far away. _

"_Well I kinda was talked in to going to Chicago by a stubborn old man, or else I would take you out. Maybe you can ask Emmett to go with you. I'm sure you two would have a blast. We can go back and wake him. He's still in his underwear." I said mocking his chipper ass mood. _

_Rolling his eyes – I'm sure at the thought of fishing with Emmett and underwear __–__ Charlie opened the door to his old beat up Chevy truck, getting in the __driver's__ seat._

"_What do you think you're doing?" I pressed my brows together__,__ knowing full well he wanted to take the piece of shit truck. _

"_Driving you to the airport__. What__ do you think __I'm doing__?" He looked at me frowning knowing I would never allow it. _

"_Not in that piece of shit. I don't want to miss my plane." I walked over and opened my door of the Volvo motioning him to follow._

_It looked like every __excuse in the book ran__ across his face as he walked__,__ passing me by__,__ over to his police cruiser. _

"_I'm not driving back in that foreign death trap. Get in" Now he motioned for me to follow. He used the 'parent' voice and I fell victim to being ten years old again and shuffled my feet__,__ carrying my bag to the cruiser. If a person looked like a dog with __its__ tail between his __legs__ then I was it right then. _

I rested my index finger on my temple and drank the last few drops of my cold coffee. I take it Charlie and I were not going to make major momentous confessions today. The big white elephant got out of the cruiser with us and stood standing next to me on the curb as I watched Charlie get out and round the front of the cruiser.

Then it hit me like a... well like something really fucking hard… it was déjà vu... The sight of Charlie walking in front of the cruiser at this airport - at this same terminal with the same look in his eyes - it made it all come back. Everything I tried to forget came back on its own accord without my fucking permission. I have been to the airport many times in the last five years since my parents' death, but nothing ever made the memories flood back into my subconscious like right now.

Charlie looked at me and I at him; I was stuck staring at his face, waiting for him to make any move, but the one I knew he was going to make. Then he called out my name the exact same way he did five years ago.

"Edward?"

"_Edward?" _

_I heard my name and I looked up squinting into the __rare__ sun of __Seattle.__ Of course the world would __be__ sunny after the day I just had. I just stepped out of the automatic door from the terminal to see Charlie and all his brilliance, cop uniform and all__,__ standing in front of his cruiser. This was not the man I wanted to see at this moment. I just caught my girlfriend __-__ the love of my life __-__ with another man and now I have her father to contend with. This day just got worse and looking at the sight on his face__,__ he seemed upset. I'm sure Bella found out I __was__in Chicago__ to woo her back._

_Fucking Alice and her big mouth. _

_She had to tell Bella all of my plans for moving and going to school there. My only guess that Charlie was here to receive me was to fucking rip me a new one and tell me to leave his daughter alone. _

_I knew I shouldn't __have__ knocked that table over and made all the fucking noise when I spied on Bella and the Douche. Then Charlie wouldn't be standing here waiting for me, no doubt __after__ a frantic call from Bella pleading with her father to catch up with me and kick my ass or talk some reason into me. _

_I __didn't__ think Charlie would __have__ cared too much __that__ I went to her. He really didn't like that fact that Bella had to move so far away for school. He just wanted to protect her. I helped serve that purpose for him but I couldn't be that for her anymore __considering-__ so yes I understood that I would most likely get served today__,__ but I had to deal with my own actions. I didn't regret going to Bella. I regret not going back and kicking that douche's ass for sucking her face off. I regret being a frozen scared fuck and hiding in the restaurant spying on her. I regret letting her break up with me so easily and telling me to 'go home__.' __I regret not being a fucking man enough for her. _

"_What are you doing here Charlie, how did you know where I would be?" I questioned with I'm sure the dumbest ass look on my face. _

_Really how did he know? _

_I never told Alice my return flight plans and since I ran out of Chicago at the speed of light not looking back, I changed my departure times. The only people that knew I was going to be here at this exact time were my folks. I called them from Chicago and told them everything. I told them my plan, the douche, the kiss, my ass running away, but all they cared about was that I was safe. We would talk about it more when I got home. I instantly felt soothed when I talked to my dad on the phone. He had connections and got me the on the first booked flight out of there. _

"_I'm the chief of police, I just called and asked your flight status." He shifted his feet looking uncomfortable._

" _When I called Bella, she told me you were probably flying back this afternoon." He pinched his lips together and avoided my eye contact. _

"_What did she tell you?" I asked._

"_Edward we need to talk." Charlie took off his hat and rubbed the back of his neck. _

"_Look Charlie, I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset Bella__,__ but I had to go to Chicago. I had to see for myself that…" I stopped myself when Charlie looked confused to what I was saying. _

"_Um, Edward can you get in the car and come with me. We need to talk." He started towards me and I looked at the cruiser and back to him questioningly._

"_My parents are supposed to come pick me up. They should be here soon. I called them before I boarded the plane." I hung my shoulders low and sighed, "I know you want to talk about Bella__,__ but I'm no__t really in the mood right now. I just want to go home and sleep." I now rubbed my neck mimicking Charlie who was doing the same again. I immediately knew something was off. _

_Something wasn't right. His mood was too glum and he looked __too__ reserved. _

"_Edward__,__ I'm __not__ here about Bella__…"__ He paused. I had a bad feeling and it wasn't good._

_From the pit of my stomach__,__ I knew something happened. You know the feeling where you know the answer__,__ but you want to play dumb as long as you can to fight the realization of the truth. The incredible knowing that something was indeed going to change my life was staring __me in the__ face, standing right next to me and patting my on the back. I had to brace myself for whatever Charlie had up his sleeve because now I knew that my parents were still not here. They were late and Charlie was in their place. You never want to have a cop show up at __your__ door because he would most defiantly be the bearer of bad news. Someone was either hurt or dead.. Your life is over and never to go back to normal. The changes of events will stem from every breath you take from this moment __on__. _

_I took my final b__reath with the ignorance that my parents were safe on their way to the airport right now. I felt the fall wind blow silently against my skin as I stood looking at Charlie and I finally read the remorse in his eyes. Even if he couldn't say it yet, I knew the truth._

"_What happened to them? Where are they?" The sting of tears __was__ biting at the back of my eyes. I had to stay strong until he finally said the word. I couldn't fall apart yet. It's still not real. _

"_Edward, please get into the car." He pleaded with __me while__ walking __up and__ taking my duffel bag into his hand._

"_Where are they__,__ Charlie?" I repeated and still stood motionless. I wasn't going to budge until I either saw my parents or Charlie got the balls to tell me what was going on. He pulled at my arm trying to move me in the direction of the cruiser. I didn't budge. _

_I had to hear it. I had to hear the words. _

"_Just say it Charlie, say it out loud." Pulling my arm out of his grasp._

"_They aren't coming." I could see Charlie give up his inner fight to get me to the car. He knew me well enough __to know__ that I wasn't just a dumb kid anymore. _

_Just then__,__ Charlie's chin quivered just a touch and my resolve went to shit._

"_FUCK IT CHARLIE! TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE!" I screamed loud enough that out of my __peripheral__ vision I saw a small group turn and gawk. Then I could feel cry well from my chest and exit out my mouth. _

_Before I could fall down, Charlie took me into his embrace and held me as hard as he could so I wouldn't fall apart on the curb. It was the first time that Charlie had ever hugged me. I heard him start to bellow out muted sobs as his body just shook next to mine. We both stood there hugging and shaking but no sounds and I knew now that my parents were never coming to get me. They were never making it to the airport. I grabbed at a piece of shirt on Charlie's back and squeezed, pulling it. My other hand stayed at my side hanging like a limp noodle, not knowing what to do with it. My mouth hung open and I wanted to scream, but nothing came out. I squeezed my eyes shut as hard as I could in hopes of willing this fucking moment away. When I opened them, Charlie was still there clutching me with all the strength he had. I let my other arm fall from the back of his shirt. _

_I felt numb. For the first time in my life__,__ I felt nothing. How could this get worse? The walls were starting to form and I felt my guard begin to rise. _

_He still __hadn't__ said the words__,__ so in vane attempts I still had hope that he was crying over something else. Like the Mariners traded some MVP or something and he couldn't deal so the first thing he thought of doing was coming __here__ needing a shoulder to cry on. I wouldn't be locked behind my imaginary wall if I heard the right words. That my parents were__… …_

_But that was stupid__.__I__ was stupid._

"_What happened to them?" I managed to whisper after a long silence and the shaking was over._

_Charlie let go of me and put his __hands__ on my shoulders. _"_There was an accident__.__They__ say it was drunk driving__…"__ He bit back his words as another quiet sob raked through his body. _

"_Where are they? Are they okay?" __I still had__ hope. _

"_T__hey're __gone Edward__,"__ He said looking at me. Those were the words. The last brick in the wall __was in place._

_I was shutting down. _

_A minute ago, I was snotty and shake hugging a man in public, as I should be, given what I just found out but now a wave or calmness settled over me and I felt grief of course. But I felt anger start to swell up in me. I just lost my parents to a careless fuck who couldn't say no and decided to put the lives of everyone, not just my parents, in danger. _

_'Just say no' repeated in my head as I felt my fists turn to rocks and my eyes turn to daggers looking at Charlie__,__ knowing he had more answers. I wanted to know how and why this happened. I wanted revenge and I wanted it quick. I wanted __to__ kill the bastard for taking away what meant most to me in this world__,__ even before Bella._

"_Is the other driver dead, the drunk driver?" I questioned Charlie in a cool hiss. _

_Charlie turned away from me not looking at my eyes anymore. He was hiding something he__ didn't want me to know. _

"_Well, is he? Is he dead or not? I want to see this fucker if he's alive Charlie__,__ so help me god!" I growled at him._

"_The other driver was a women and her two year old son, Edward." He looked again at me, trying to appease me._

"_A women?" I didn't believe him. Drunk drivers were always __middle-aged__ men who never gave a shit._

"_She died, but the boy is in the hospital in serious condition. He's expected to live." This was all too much to handle. How could a mother put her own child in that kind of danger. Maybe it was a good thing she died. _

_That was terrible to think__,__ but I couldn't help it and I wasn't sorry I felt it either. _

"_She wasn't the one who was drinking and driving." Charlie choked out as his chin started to quiver again. I felt his hands tighten on my shoulders with what he told me next._

"_Your father was the one drinking." The bile in my stomach instantly rose up and I forced it out of my mouth as I heaved over, throwing up all over the pavement in front of me. Charlie took a step back, but still kept his hands on my shoulders. Holding me together. _

"_My dad?" I managed to choke out__.__ I couldn't think anymore. I couldn't compute anymore information. _

"_My dad isn't a drunk, why would he be drinking?" Shaking my head. "Are you sure? There wasn't anybody else?"_

"_Yes, they tested his blood alcohol level at the hospital and granted it wasn't high__, but__ it was still above the legal limit__… __enough that he was impaired." Charlie breathed and continued, "Your mother made it through the accident. She was only with us for ten minutes at the accident scene before she__…"__ He paused again and rubbed my back comforting me. _

_I lo__oked up at Charlie not really hearing him, but fully acknowledging every word he said. _

"_She was still alive?" I blinked._

_He nodded and pressed his lips together__,__ thinking over his next words, "She died on scene__,__ but she managed to speak a little before she went. I talked to her. She said your father fell asleep behind the wheel." He patted my shoulders again and gave another tight squeeze as I inhaled deeply through my nose getting ready to hear my mother's final words._

"_She said to tell you she loves you very much and is proud of you… … She said to not give up on Bella." With this, Charlie let go of my shoulders and stood before me. "She said to always follow your heart. Don't blame anyone because she knew you would." _

_I closed my eyes. _

_And that was it. My __mother's__ last word and declarations. Not to blame anyone. _

_The tears were soaking my cheeks now and I didn't hold it back any longer. I let the wall fall a little because it tore my heart up to hear my mother's last words. She knew I would place blame on myself and she was right. _

_My mind raced over the face of my father. I was pissed that my father was so careless that he would drink and drive, putting my mother and two innocent people in danger. Then Bella's face appeared out of nowhere and I grew mad and anxious; I knew that if I didn't see her with that douche, I would have never ran away for home like a wimp making my parents come to get me. _

_Then I felt disgusted with myself for being a coward and not manning up. I caused all this too. I was the instigator. The final straw that broke the __camel's__ back. I was the lost piece of the puzzle. __Whatever__ metaphor you can think of__,__ I was the reason why it happened. It made me sick to my stomach that I was weak enough not to run back to Bella-that I set the butterfly effect in motion that brings me here right now. _

_Bella and my father made choices too. I wasn't all the blame. They set their own butterfly effect the day that they made their said choices, Bella to cheat and my father to drink. If Bella didn't cheat on me........if Bella never broke up with me, this would be a whole other story. She was to blame. She instigated everything. She was the reason for everything in my life and now she was the reason my parents are dead. _

_I had no one to go home too._

_I was an orphan. _

_I felt a kinship with the little boy in the hospital. He was alone now too. He lost everything by my actions and he will never know his mother the way I knew mine. This little boy is going to go through his life and miss the things that matter the most with your mother. I got to experience it all with mine, but he was robbed of it. All because of me and all because of Bella._

_Then it killed me that my mother's final words spoke Bella's name. She didn't want me to give up on her. My mother was still the optimistic on her death bead,__ but__ that thought was never going to mature now. I had to make some decisions now and the first will be the little boy. _

"_Can I see him?" I blinked up at Charlie through my watery eyes. Wiping __my cheeks__,__ I took my bag from the ground where Charlie dropped it._

"_See who?" _

"_I want to see the little boy, the kid in the accident." I threw my duffel over my shoulder and walked to the cruiser leaving Charlie standing behind me. _

"_Um, that might __not be__ a good idea Edward. You just lost your parents and we need to go sit down somewhere to talk__…__ make arrangements." Charlie turned walking to me again._

"_What's his name?" I stopped__,__ holding the passenger door open. I closed my eyes ready to hear the name of the person who I would be attached with forever. The guilt and burden I now carried down from my father was mine to handle. _

"_His name is Seth. Seth Clearwater." _

"Edward?" Charlie leaned on the hood of the cruiser glaring up at me. I shook my head and realized that flashbacks are a bitch. I haven't officially thought of that night since, _that night_. I had spare memories here and there, but nothing brought me back to the exact events that changed my life forever than the sight of Charlie walking around his cruiser.

"What Charlie?" I sighed bringing my hand through my hair.

"Did you get everything?" He tensed up his back, looking a little in pain.

"Yeah, I got it. Thanks" I nodded and went to shake his hand or hug him. I don't know, I had to show the man some sort of affection. I would miss him for the next couple of days. Emmett was there to help him out when he needed it, but I still felt uneasy leaving Charlie all alone.

He shook my hand and we both did the awkward shuffle dance where you don't know if you're going to pull each other into a hug or just say 'fuck it' and pat a shoulder. I opted for the 'fuck it' and pulled him in for a hug.

When Bella and I got back, Charlie wasn't going to need me anymore. He would have Bella to rely on. In more ways than one, this was _our goodbye_. It never really occurred to me until now that I was going to miss him. He was my father for all tense in purposes and hugging him now was as painful as losing my father five years ago. I had to let my parents go on this very same curb I was letting Charlie go on. I was losing my family all over again and it fucking sucked. The tears started to well in my eyes because I knew Charlie felt it too. The big white elephant still stood next to us not saying a goddamn word. I released him from my bear hug and turned around before he could object or see my wet eyes.

I had to just walk away now or I never would.

I was going to lose it even more if I had to look back, so it wasn't an option. Preparing for this is never something someone can really… well… prepare for. I could wax philosophical all day, but it would never make the pain any less. There was no fucking instruction booklet telling you how to cope with losing an almost father or the man who means more to you right now than life itself.

I would die before I would hurt Charlie and his farewell wish to me was to return his daughter.

I approached the counter and waited for the attendant to address me.

"Good morning sir."

I handed her my itinerary, driver's license, and confirmation number without saying a word.

She eyed me and half smiled, "Thank you sir."

"I'm a deputy with the Forks Police Department and I would like to declare my service weapon."

She looked a little surprised at my request, but brushed it away quickly. "I will call security to inspect your weapon." With that, she phoned security and within a second, I had two plain clothed men flanking my side.

They quickly inspected my weapon and case, also checking my credentials. One asked why I was armed for travel and I stated simply, "For protection." I always traveled with my side arm. They marked my bag and we exchanged pleasantries.

Finishing up, I took my boarding pass and stepped away from the desk.

I walked in the terminal, only glancing back once because I new Charlie was gone by now. The big ass white elephant still stood out there protecting our metaphoric baggage we left on the curb. Charlie's and mine. I had to let Charlie go now. I had to give him up, for her.

He was her family and I didn't have any left.

I was an orphan.

I was like Seth Clearwater.

I looked at the departures and arrivals and saw my gate number. It was time to get this shit over with.

**A/N Next up will be Bella! Edward is taking a much needed break and getting some sleep on the plane ride. **

**I would also like to rec some great fics that I'm raving about right now**

**Stripped by Punkfarie and Vamp_sessed, They collab a great fic, and I make Punk giggle:)**

**Something Wicked this Way Comes by SendMeAnEdward, this is the funniest story I ever read. She's great, check her out!**

**Alight folks, leave a review...it might make Edward feel better:)**


	7. Three's Company

**A/N Thanks to my sweetie beta, Annabella Laurie and thanks for reading and reviewing!!**

**  
S Meyer owns all**

Chapter 7- Three's Company

_**Bella**_

This was it; the last box and I would be done with packing and could finally relax. I shuffled through the drawer of my chest, separating what to keep and what to toss. All I really kept in here was my pictures and small mementos of the past years. It was really just all junk, but some of this junk was priceless to me.

I rifled through all the concert and movie stubs that Jake and I had accumulated over the years. I didn't know why I kept this stuff; I really wasn't that sentimental over spare pieces of paper and I liked my pictures better. Of course, I never took time to put any of them in frames or photo albums; I guess I just threw them in this drawer, thinking one day I would actually do something with them. Alice always made fun of me, saying I took more pictures then a tourist but never had anything to show for it. She was so wrong in my eyes. My pictures were my sanctuary, my little piece of heaven that I could keep close by if I lost my way. I would look at them and certain pictures would remind me who I was and what decisions I made. They felt like my little security blanket or windows into my soul. That sounds so pretentious and I might puke from all the self discovery I was doing, but when I looked at this drawer, it actually contained my whole life. So pretension, it was easily dealt with.

Photography should of have been my profession. Really, this drawer was stuffed to the gills with shots from road trips to Memphis, Cubs games, and the time Alice and I stood in line to see Oprah- just to name a few…

I was definitely keeping all the pictures.

They were mostly of Jake, Alice, and I doing everything and anything Chicago had to offer.

Taking a stack, I started transferring them into the small box at my feet. I tossed the ticket stubs; Jake wouldn't mind if I did, I think. I never really thought to ask him if that stuff mattered to him. You would think after so many years together I would know. I just saved them out of habit.

There was my fake plastic ring Jake got out of one of those quarter machines. I might have only agreed to marry Jake on New Years, but it wasn't the first time he asked me. He was pretending, but looking back, his intentions were quite clear, even if I didn't want to see then. I think Jake knew he wanted to be with me from the moment he saw me. He would never admit it then because of Edward. I foolishly was an open book to Jake in the beginning of our friendship. I told him everything about Edward and my intentions to be with Edward again, but it didn't deter Jake at all when he decided to pursue me.

I put the plastic ring in the box. I would keep it.

Mostly, everything in here was good memories that made me smile.

I was almost to the bottom of the drawer and I could tell the pictures were getting older and the junk was less sentimental. I wasn't shocked that I would find pictures of Edward. I knew they were there lying in the bottom, on purpose. Sitting there, smiling right at me was Edward, wearing a white tee shirt and black jeans. He looked a little sloppy and his hair was everywhere, but his eyes shone bright green against the lush background of the forest near my house. Edward had his arm wrapped around my waist and I was wearing dark denim trouser jeans with a blue and white striped boat neck top. I looked like a sailor, but just lacked the funny white hat while Edward looked the epitome slacker cool. But it didn't matter; we didn't have a care in the world that day Charlie took the picture of us. It was the day we left for our trip to San Francisco. One of the best trips of my life. With his arm wrapped around me, I remember feeling so secure and warm. It was the best feeling in the world. Never had I been happier then on that day. Everything about this picture spelled freedom to me. Breathing it in one more last time, I put the picture down.

I sighed.

Going through each picture one by one, there seemed to be a theme to them all. Edward was touching me in one form or another. No matter what picture it was. His hand or arm was around my shoulder or touching my back. How could I never notice this before? But when I looked back at it, I was also clinging to him. I went back into the box I already stored the 'Jake' stack of pictures and went over them with a fine toothed comb. In most pictures, Jake was by my side, but no contact, or if there was contact, it was something stupid like giving me bunny ears or throwing an arm around my neck. It didn't seem like I was trying to be connected to him at all in these, unless you included the forced posed pictures with our arms intertwined. What did all that mean anyway? Only that Jake and my relationship was completely different then Edward's and I. I didn't have to read more into it if I didn't want to. It would only bring on more regret and the meaningless heartache I'm sure would accompany it.

"Stop it Bella." I seethed at myself.

His face was beautiful. Edward looked more like a man in these pictures than I remembered. At the time, Edward was just the boy next door for me. He was my best friend, but that all changed on our trip to San Francisco. I changed during that trip too. It was our first time. So it's no wonder that after that trip I saw him as a man who I now lusted for, not just the boy next door. It was like overnight he grew strong and protecting. It scared me too. I was afraid I would lose the boy that loved me for me. After that trip, it helped make my decision to go away to school easier and harder. Renée got inside my head at the right time. I should have never listened to her.

Edward looked as happy in these pictures as did I. It really hurt to try and remember how he was before things changed for us. He distanced himself from me for so long, I was starting to forget what made me love him so much. News Years seemed like complete uninhibited lust at the beginning, but something much more afterwards. It was more intense then ever with us. I couldn't control myself or think straight, and Edward knew it too. Maybe he took advantage, I don't know. All I knew was that he came to me and it took every ounce of strength I had left to resist him and to tell him I didn't love him.

Putting my hand on my forehead, I felt like I was getting warm just thinking about that night with Edward. Maybe it was just pure animal lust that made me go to him that night. Lust makes you do things without thinking. I'm just glad we didn't make love outside the bar. I would really hate myself more if we did that, but I might not be engaged to Jake if we did do it.

But we didn't and I am.

I shouldn't dwell on the past too much, but I knew I would when I got to this drawer. That's why I saved it for last when I knew Jake wasn't going to be around. I might give myself away that I wanted to remember Edward more then I should, but that wasn't my focus now. Jake wanted me to set a date and I need to really think about it.

I still have my reservations about rushing into marriage. We've only been engaged for a couple of months and have plenty of time to iron out all the kinks. So definitely, when I get back home, I would start to think more about setting a date with Jake. Right now, I just wanted to get this stuff packed away and be done with it. But looking at these pictures just made me think of Edward and everything that happened between us.

I made a promise to myself the night Jake proposed that Edward was going to stay in the past. I had to stick to my promise.

I went over and picked up the trash can, setting it on the floor next to the box I was already filling. Every picture that had Edward in it, I pitched. Every little thing I kept that Edward gave me, I pitched.

I pitched the picture of us from prom.

I pitched the leather cuff I had that matched the one I gave him for his birthday.

I pitched the stupid Haight/Ashby bumper sticker I bought from our trip to San Francisco.

I pitched it all.

I let the now filled trash can sit next to the dresser as I closed the box with 'Jake' things and put it aside, ready for the moving van.

Now there was no sign that Edward has been in my life. I can go back home and breathe easier knowing that I let the past go. Erasing him from my life was a lot easier then I thought it would be. I mean they are only pictures, right? I could have a fire tomorrow and they would all be gone anyway.

Needing to get on with my day, I picked up the box on my way to the living room.

On my way out the door, I stopped and kicked the trash can, whispering, "Thanks for the memories."

How's that for closure? I wiped my hands of the whole thing.

***

"Alice!" I screamed as I walked into our now cramped apartment.

Looking around with my mouth gaped open, I had to double check to see if I was in the right place. I went back to the door and looked at our number. 1A was nailed up in nice brass symbols right underneath the knocker. Good, I got the right place, but by the looks of things Alice has been busy. Very busy.

Narrowing my eyes in anger, I scanned the room wishing that Alice would have just listened to me for once in her life. This morning I left to do a couple of errands and now I return to find my personal space invaded by streamers and balloons hanging off the ceiling. She must have worked like an animal because I wasn't gone that long. I picked up the moving van and bought some necessitates for the trip like food for the ride and maps.

I put my hand in my hair and ran my fingers through the knots, trying not to get more aggravated as I looked around.

Our furniture no longer formed the nice cozy L shape around the TV; it was now pressed against the adjoining walls, leaving an open space in the middle for god only knows what. I'm hoping she's not thinking of dancing.

Lord, help me if Alice wants me to dance tonight.

How many people were coming anyway? I'm sure Jake, Alice, Ben, Angela, and I didn't need all that space for our party, which only confirms in my mind that this 'party' was going to be of epic proportions. This was so 'Alice like,' but I was hoping for small and quaint, not shoulder-to-shoulder-loud-drunken-please-kill-me-now-debauchery that I'm sure was on plate for tonight.

In the kitchen, the table was set up with plates, utensils, and the most awful hot pink napkins. Looking around, I realized that hot pink seemed to be a running theme in the whole apartment.

The tablecloth-hot pink, the balloons and streamers-hot pink, cups, plates, the cake, all were bright-ass-Alice-is-so-not-my-best-friend-anymore-hot-pink!

Does she even know me? Haven't I lived with Alice for the last five years? I was convinced this was her form of medieval torture, forcing me to fit into every stereotype of the college student. Even though I had graduated, she wasn't about to let me leave without one last college experience that I so dreaded from the first day I started.

I didn't bother with the long graduation ceremony this time around. I convinced my professors that I needed to take my masters in an accelerated program in order to get back to Charlie faster. They understood and designed a special program to fit my needs. I worked like a dog for the past year with my only goal in mind, to get home for Charlie. Celebrating my achievement didn't seem like the right thing to do at this moment and walking at graduation wasn't my top priority. I was done with school and done with Chicago. The swan song was ending and this party wasn't a graduation party, but a simple get together that I only agreed to, knowing I would never step foot in Chicago again. So when Alice cheerfully orchestrated this brilliant affair, I was apprehensive but went along knowing it would make her happy and damn her for promising me margaritas!

She knew my weakness all too well. She could just flash an iced top shelf in my direction and I was Play-Doe for her to mold. Alice was a silly girl with big eyes and a spunky attitude; she was also accustomed to getting her way. Whether I liked it or not.

Hot pink is by far my most hated color. I was an earth tone kinda girl. I wore black a lot and never once have I purchased anything remotely in the same color family as hot pink. I even stopped wearing red since New Years because it reminded me too much of the night with Edward. Just peering into my closet, you would never find bright nor racy items. I was simple in nature and liked simple things. My clothes didn't speak to me like Alice said hers did. Hot pink was definitely not in my wardrobe even though I could rifle off the exact 'pink' garments that Alice had. She was a slave to color and it surprised me she even owned anything black or brown. I still liked borrowing clothes from her within reason though, and I wore them proud because she was proud to dress me. I only really wore her simple black or red dresses, but hot pink, not my thing. I didn't like to wear it and definitely not see it strewn all over our apartment.

The room looked like it was painted in Pepto.Maybe if more of our things were not packed away, it wouldn't look so… pink. I mentally pumped myself up.

Alice will not die tonight because I will miss her too much in the morning… But she will pay, oh yes, she will pay… dearly.

She was out to claim and conquer and perhaps even kill me tonight in order for me to have a good time. I'm sure Jake was eating this up too. Or else he was washing his hands of the whole thing. Whatever his involvement was, he was getting it too, just for the lone fact he knew about this party and had no desire to stop it. Sometimes he was just as bad as Alice; they certainly could be partners in crime when they wanted to be, especially when I was the target.

Glancing over on the patio just to the left of the kitchen, sat a rather large keg, cooling itself in a large plastic tub full of ice.

_A keg? _

Really, a _whole keg_?

Not a pony keg?

_A keg_?

It amused me a little because I hated beer. Alice had better keep her end of the bargain and have a tub of margaritas at my ready.

I sighed.

Again I asked myself, how many people are going to show up here? Our place was not that big and I didn't have that many friends. I was starting to think this party wasn't just for me, more likely just an excuse to have a party. Not really what I wanted to do the night before I left. Good thing Emmett was coming early in the morning so I wouldn't have to clean up after this monstrosity.

I put my head in my hands and let out a couple of fake sobs, playing it up in case Alice could hear me. Peaking through my fingers, I turned around again to survey the damage. This apartment was definitely going to be one big hot pink kegger mess with - looking over at the kitchen island - chips and dip. At least she remembered the kind of chips I liked. She won't suffer a painful death, but maybe I can make her beg for mercy and hold her make-up hostage.

"Alice! You better show your pretty face or I'm going to rip all this down!"

Crickets.

I walked to her bedroom door and pushed it open. Her room looked much the same as mine, filled to the brim with boxes. She was moving back to Portland next week. Tonight was bittersweet to us both because it would be the last time we would spend it in the same city. We would be relatively close, but it would be hard when your best friend is so far away. Going back home for me wasn't really a happy occasion. I had so much baggage to deal with, Charlie's health, the wedding date, Edward. I was just thankful that Rose was still in Forks. I had a feeling I was going to need her.

Alice was nowhere to be seen, so I tried the bathroom thinking it was late enough for her to be primping herself for tonight.

No Alice. The hair dryer was even cold.

Checking my room, it all still looked the same as this morning and still no sign of Alice.

Walking back out into the kitchen, feeling hungry all of a sudden I took a chip from the bowl on the island. I almost had the chip in my mouth when the front door flew open and Alice floated in carrying a large bag.

She saw me quickly. "Isabella Marie Swan, you put that chip down!"

Just in spite I chomped down hard on the potato chip trying to make as much crunch as possible.

"Bella, you're not supposed to eat the snacks before the party!" Alice flew to my side and took the bowl from the counter top hiding it under her arm.

With a hand on my hip, I tried to reason with her. "It's just a chip, Alice."

"Bella the party is going to start in an hour, you need to get dressed and make yourself look..." Alice eyed me up and down. "…decent."

"What's wrong with what I'm wearing?" Looking down, I was going to wear what I had on, jeans, a fitted tee, and chucks. I didn't think this was going to be a fancy party.

"I'm comfortable." I shrugged my shoulders.

Scrunching her face Alice placated, "Bella, you look like you have been packing all day."

"I _have_ been packing all day..." Trying to change the subject, I added, "and when did you do all this?" I waved my hand around in the air indicating to the amount of pink in the room. "Alice, why is it so pink?"

"I did it when you left. It's not much really." Smiling at her handy work, "The pink, well that was for my own amusement and a little bit of revenge." She grinned knowingly.

"Revenge?" I questioned, trying to grab the chip bowl from her hands. Alice tugged her arm, bowl in hand, away giving me the evil eye while letting a couple of chips fall to the ground.

"For moping around here all week! I swear Bella; it's not the end of the world to be going home. Maybe when you get back, things will work themselves out for the better," she ended vaguely.

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean."

Acting dumb, but very in the know as to what she was getting at, I continued. "Enlighten me." I tilted me head waiting.

Alice sighed. "You're gonna have to face it sooner or later. I mean he lives in the same town as you. Isn't Forks like population 12 or something?"

"Alice," I breathed switching my stance from foot to foot, getting very uncomfortable.

"What? Why can't we talk about this? You have been shut tighter then a Fort Knox since Delany's. You don't even talk to me about it. I know you Bella, you're freaking out, but you're putting up a wall and it's only going to hurt you and Jake."

"This has nothing to do with him." I replied quickly almost cutting her off.

"Bullshit!" She countered crossing her arms.

"Shut up!" I half shouted

"Do you think I wouldn't know why you accepted Jake's proposal on the same night Edward came here? I love Jake, Bella, I really do, but you know it's not right. I know it's not right. The only person who doesn't know it is Jake."

Turning my back, I didn't want her to see the admission on my face. I know I have been convincing myself for a long time, but this wasn't the same. I loved Jake and really did want the best for us. If marrying him was the best, then I would. I could live with myself later.

"I don't love him, Alice." I didn't know if I meant Jake or Edward when I said that. It just flew out of my mouth before I could think of a reason to the thought.

"I know." She turned me back around, looking deep into my eyes, "You need to tell him regardless."

Call it a friend thing or telepathy, but I knew Alice wasn't going to say whom I should tell and her tone strongly impressed that I needed to make that decision soon. She didn't know that as of this morning I placed closure signs all over the place. I placed them on my heart and my mind and even in the wastebasket, but throwing away pictures wasn't complete closure until I actually made a stand and let Edward go.

"Why does this have to be so hard?" My eyes started to sting and I knew tears would come if I didn't compose myself enough to will them away.

"It's life, my dear." She replied rolling her eyes while she stood next to me rubbing my back.

"Love and loss go hand and hand. If you want to have the love you had again, you might have to lose something you hold too precious." I hated when she was being cryptic. I really wanted her to come out and tell what to do, but that wouldn't be Alice. That would be Edward; he had that bad habit of word vomit. She was letting me figure myself out, helping me in her own way.

"I don't know where to start first." I felt tired all of a sudden and wanted to lie down. I just realized that this day was going to last forever.

"Well, maybe when you get home, you and Edward can patch things up, for Charlie." She took a step back and popped another chip in her mouth. Chewing with her mouth open, she wiggled her eyebrows and grinned.

Leaning on the island, I took the chip bowl away from her, taking a bite. "We will never patch things up Alice. There is too much… history to get over. I will be cordial for Charlie's sake but I doubt we can go back to being any kind of friends." I needed to work on my closure better.

"You never know Bella, people change." She took the bowl back and set it down. "Where's Jake anyway? I thought he was going to be here early to help."

"He had to work late, but he's going to be here around eight with Leah."

Leah and Jake were in the same internship program and became fast friends over the past year. Jake insisted that she was just a friend, but I felt at times when she was over at the apartment she looked at him a little too long and a little too hard. She studied him and his movements, like someone who had a crush or unrequited love. Jake seemed oblivious but I noticed. A girl notices those kinds of things when it comes to her man. Leah and I did have some things in common. She was from and used to live on the Indian reservation outside of Forks, but I never knew her growing up.

"I hate Leah, she's such a bitch." Alice complained, taking a chip and popping it in her mouth. "I really don't understand why Jake puts up with her… or you for that matter." She laughed.

Gently pushing Alice, "Hey now! Don't lump me into that category. Leah's okay. I mean, at least she's not going to be around much longer." Leah was staying here in Chicago after the internship was done. She still had another year to go before graduation.

"But then she's moving back to Forks, so you're going to be your own episode of Three's Company. Are you going to be Janet or Chrissy?" She tapped her chin teasing.

"Shut up! I'm so not Chrissy and I'm way hotter then Janet!"

"Mrs. Rooper then?" Alice retorted much to my chagrin. "Wait, you're more like Joey."

"Joey?"

"Yes, Dawson's Creek. You loved Dawson your whole life, always sneaking into his bedroom, but have a love-hate relationship with Pacey, where you fought all the time but had incredible attraction, you can't resist him. You're torn, but we all know how the final turns out."

"Are you trying to compare that to Jake, Leah, and I because I don't think that's working. That's more like Jake, Edward and I. Which makes Jake the Dawson and Edward the Pacey and I don't see how that's like my life, which is now confusing me. Because if you are involved, then what are you in this equation, Jen?" I can't believe Alice was comparing my life to a TV show. I put my hand on my hip and continued. "Didn't she die at the end?"

Alice closed her eyes.

"Okay, so that was a bad analogy. Your life can't be compared to one of the best teen psycho babble dramas of all time. Your life is one big love triangle. All I'm saying is three's a crowd; take it how you want."

"I know that Jake and Leah are friends so it's okay with me. No love triangle to worry about." I replied plainly.

"I hope she knows that." Alice said curtly as we both reached in to the chip bowl again.

"Just don't be Mr. Furley." Alice joked and looked down at our now empty chip bowl. "I can't believe I ate all of that!" she shrieked, rubbing her stomach. "I feel me getting fatter! What is wrong with you, why didn't you stop me?"

I smirked, using her own words, "For my own amusement and a little bit of revenge." I plucked another chip and savored every bit as it melted in my mouth.

"See if you get my present I just bought you then!" Alice picked up the package I forgotten she brought in with her and waved it in front of my face, drawing me to curiosity.

She knew I couldn't resist knowing what it was, but I would still be mad she bought me anything at all.

"Present?" I asked with a raise of my brow.

"I got you a little something I knew would come in handy tonight." She giggled handing me the large bag.

I opened it up and took out the cardboard box with no markings.

"What is it?"

"Open it!" Alice started rocking back and forth in excitement.

I broke the tape holding together the cardboard folds. It was just like a scene out of Pulp Fiction, when anyone opened the brief case and a brilliant light shown on their face. This gift was definitely my bright light, especially for tonight.

I pulled the large appliance from the box; with all its glory and wonder, the thing seemed to call to me in the most seductive voice.

_Bella… oh Bella… You know you want me. Plug me in and turn me on_

"Alice you didn't?" I was shocked. She spent some cool cash on me and I didn't get her anything.

"I did and you will like it and not bitch." Scolding me, knowing how much I hated when she spent money on me, which was often.

I let the box drop to the floor, revealing my new Margaritaville DM1000 Frozen Concoction Maker. Home of the best margaritas around. Now the party didn't seem so bad after all, I could rightfully booze myself into a heavy stupor with this thing.

"I think I love you Alice!" I hugged the thing with a goofy grin spreading across my face.

"I hope you remember that tomorrow," she replied sadly. I was too enamored with my new gift that I let whatever she meant slide.

"Hey, I'm just psyched to see Emmett. It's been forever and I can't believe he volunteered to come with me. Charlie must be paying him or something." I joked, thinking back to when I last saw Emmett. It was one of my trips back to take care of Charlie and he and Rose came by to visit.

"Um, yeah… Emmett. I remember him. Can't wait to see him to!" Alice gave a weak grin.

"Now stop gushing about your new shiny toy and get ready." Alice whizzed past and headed to my room. "I know since you packed a lot of your things away, you can wear one of my dresses!" She exclaimed. "You can wear the red one I just bought."

A dress. Ugh! And a red one too.

"Alice you know I don't wear red anymore."

"Well sugar, if you want some closure, your wearing red." Smacking my butt as she walked behind me, "Now get in the bathroom, I have _a lot_ of work to do."

I groaned.

Time to commence beauty torture.

***

_**Edward**_

I couldn't see her from where I was parked, but I knew she was in the swarm of bodies smashed in their little apartment. Alice and Bella lived on the first floor and had a nice size patio attached, allowing people to enjoy the night air. They were also doing keg stands. I never really understood the practice. If you just drink enough, you get just as drunk just as quick. No need to risk bodily harm balancing yourself over a fucking keg. This made me not miss that fact I didn't go the whole college route, but seeing all these people my same age, I couldn't help but feel 20 years older than they. I had no care in the world tonight to bother them, just to watch. I was a little envious; they were able to be as free as they wanted, not thinking about the future or anything in particular, just getting completely shit faced.

I had nothing else to do tonight other than drive around in the butt ass ugly rental I got from the airport. Whoever thought to make cars teal, needed to have their head checked. But I couldn't be picky, the car was serving its purpose tonight and right now it was sitting my happy ass down the street from Bella and Alice's place. Making it more comfortable to stalk the premises without being noticed. No one would know Edward Mason would drive this piece of shit. I had better taste then that. This car was the perfect disguise for my late night shenanigans.

Going to a hotel tonight was out of the question. I knew I wasn't going sleep; so I thought earlier, might as well see where the teal beast takes me. It drove me straight here with only one stop to get some food. I was so fucking predictable. I hadn't even called Jess yet to let her know I had landed safe. Would she even answer the phone? I wanted to find out, but every time I looked at my phone, I either chickened out or made up an excuse not to call.

_Ahh, it's late._

_She's probably in bed._

_She could be working._

_Maybe we can have some phone sex. Keep the mantra going__, Eddie…_That one sucked.

_I'll call her in the morning after I stalk Bella all night__..._I winced at myself; I'm so sick in the head.

"Yep Edward, still a prick." I moaned, hitting myself in the forehead.

I must have 'fucked-dumb-ass-shithead' stamped on my forehead, I felt like I did.

There was no sense in me being here. I rubbed my forehead in ill hopes of wiping the imaginary stamp off. My hand felt wet and I realized I was sweating. Rolling down the windows, I could hear the loud music and chatter coming from the apartment. I have been a cop long enough to know how far to stay back to go unnoticed, but tonight I was a little closer, too close for comfort. I just wanted to see her once before I left. I wanted to see the Bella that was carefree and happy just one more time before I fucked it up tomorrow with my piss poor attitude and condescending accusations.

I caught a bit of red.

The fabric swished around an ominous person standing by the front window. I strained my neck higher to see more clearly. The red came back maneuvering around a couple on the patio. It was the same red of the last time I saw her.

The red peaked in in and out between the keg stands and people milling about the patio.

It was Bella, I knew it.

There was a very large jock type of guy blocking my view of the red.

I needed the red.

Then as my silent prayers were answered the jock moved and a beam of moon light shown brightly down on the red, on Bella.

The air started to escape my lungs. I couldn't take my eyes away, never getting enough of the red.

She looked radiant and she seemed to glide from one place to another. Her motion seemed endless, like she was dancing or swaying to music. She looked demure and small compared to the rowdiness of the other people on the patio. I smelled the air trying to see if her scent could travel this far.

She threw her head back and laughed at someone. Just watching her laugh was intoxicating. I was getting lost and wishing I was parked a little bit closer.

Bella suddenly turned towards my direction, a full body turn, not just a head turn, full on looking at my teal beast kind of a turn.

Shit! I crouched down as far as I could in my seat, not daring to move an inch.

I waited.

My hands started to itch.

My mouth went dry.

My head started to ache. The fucking headache.

If this is the kind of reaction I was going to have just looking at Bella from a distance, then what the hell was I going to do tomorrow?

I chanced to look back up and she was gone inside.

I was fucked. I popped two aspirin I had on the dash and drank it down with the last of my coffee.

I breathed and closed my eyes gripping the steering wheel for dear life.

Really, I should go now and get a room, try to get some sleep, clear my head and mentally pump myself up for this. Obviously, I underestimated how strong I would be.

"Damn it Mason! Keep on track and don't lose focus. Just remember why you have to do this," I whispered to myself through gritted teeth.

Mantra. Mantra. Mantra.

Jess. Jess. Jess.

Mantra. Mantra. Mantra.

Repeat.

"Get it done and get your closure." I had my eyes shut tight chanting 'Jess' under my breath.

"Jess…Jess…Jess…"

Mantra.

"Bella…Fuck!" Even with my poor ass mantra, Bella was still there. I pinched my eyes shut tighter, getting Jess's face in my mind. My hands were hurting now from holding the steering wheel so tight.

"Why am I not surprised to see you here." I heard a small giggle outside my window.

Jumping out of my skin, I looked over to my left, out the passenger side and was met with the most angelic looking face I knew. She was dressed in a pink wrap dress, matching her rose cheeks perfectly. She hasn't changed a bit. It also pissed me off that I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn't hear or see her approach.

Not good for a cop. I had to work on that.

Of course, if I had to get caught stalking my ex outside her apartment it would be by Alice. She was most fittingly the one to give me the most trouble. Well, trouble without getting my ass kicked by a rather large douchebag I'm sure was pawing Bella inside.

I hated the image in my head of the douche with my girl.

Wait, what did I just say in my internal dialogue? _My girl? _

Groaning, I pressed my lips back together.

Collecting myself and narrowing my eyes at her, I shrugged and turned my attention back to the party.

Alice put her elbows on the window frame and leaned in. "So, what kind of stake-out is this? I don't see any doughnuts or coffee. Where is the pile of cigarette butts?" She let out one of her annoyingly angelic bell-like giggles. "Aren't those stables of every cop?" Her head tilted to the side waiting for my comeback.

I huffed, "That's cliché." I stopped and looked more closely at her.

Her smile faded and she looked pensive. "I already drank my coffee," I replied, giving her a small half grin and trying not to be an asshole as I turned my coffee cup I had by my leg upside down, showing her my liquid upper was all gone.

Her smile returned. "Can I join you?" Alice chirped.

"It's open." I replied dead panned.

Alice opened the door. "Nice ride, Mason," she said lowering into the passenger seat and closing the door behind her. "I didn't know they made cars this color anymore. I'm no guy, but this looks like a chick car to me." Laughing, she looked around at my trash on the floor a little disgusted.

I was a little grossed out myself. I'm never this messy and I felt a entirely new kinship to Emmett all of a sudden. He would probably say taking my neck into his arm, "Edward, us trash heaps run in small circles."

"It's the only thing they had left, okay." It's only been five minutes and she was already making fun of me. Clearing some of the trash to the side, I could see Alice relax.

"Sorry, I'm sure it drives nice," she replied quickly, detecting my frustration.

"Just peachy." I crossed my arms and side ways glanced at Alice who was now staring at me. Hard.

"What?" Feeling completely insecure, I rubbed the back of my neck.

Not moving with her smile frozen on her face, "Nothing."

Still looking at me, I saw her hands fidget in her lap.

"What!?!" I barked.

"I just like that you're here, that's all" She said quietly, looking at the party. Bella was still gone now but some random guy was sucking on a girl's face pushed up against the side of the building.

Feeling a little uncomfortable about watching the porn show with Alice, "You throw a nice party." I joked pointing to the couple, deliberating whether or not to think too hard into what Alice just said. I changed the subject.

"I would ask you to come in but …" She paused, letting her hand wave in the air.

I finished her sentence. "We know how that would turn out."

"Yeah." She confirmed, giving me a wink.

"Why aren't you in there anyways?" I asked remembering how much Alice loved parties.

She held up a bag that I hadn't noticed her holding before. "I forgot the limes." Rolling her eyes, "Bella has to have limes. She says its part of her signature drink. And honestly, if one measly bag of limes would make her happy tonight then I would travel to Florida to pick them myself… or wherever limes come from."

I couldn't help but chuckle, remembering how much Bella loved her margaritas, but I also laughed in annoyance at myself for giving Alice the pleasure of seeing me not sulking for a brief moment.

I was hoping she wouldn't catch it, but she did. "Edward, I'm glad it's you here, doing this."

"It's not entirely my choice. Charlie laid it on thick."

"Charlie has his reasons don't you think? He called last week and I talked to him for a while. He sounds well."

"Charlie's reasons might not be the best reasons, Alice. He knew I couldn't say 'no.' He's using me, Alice." I crossed my arms. "And when I left him, he was feeling better." I looked away from her, out my window.

"But you could have said no, Edward. You have choices too. What are your choices anyway?"

I didn't say anything.

"You didn't stay away. I knew you would be here. Remember, I had a feeling." She tapped her finger to her temple. She needn't have reminded me.

"Call it a hunch I have about you two." She winked again. How can someone so tiny be so fucking annoying! But yet I couldn't stay mad at her. I really wanted to though. She had this weird thing of just knowing people too well. And she was figuring me out too well.

"Please Alice, don't get into that now. Bella made it clear she didn't want me anymore and I remembered why I didn't want her." I spat growing more unnerved by the second.

"I know you don't blame her anymore, Edward. You would have never shown up here on New Years if you did. This trip can be...beneficial to you both." Raising her eyebrow, she continued, "Just trying to do a girl a favor."

That sounded familiar. Too familiar. It sounded just like what Jasper said to be before I left.

This conversation is ending, time to deflect.

"No, I'm doing this for Charlie. Anyway, I'm seeing someone now." I couldn't look Alice in the eye when I said that. She would see it all over my face that something was up and I was going to lie my ass off.

"Oh, I didn't know." She sounded unaffected by my statement, which surprised me. I thought she would question it.

"How would you? It's kinda new anyway." I said matter-of-factly.

I sighed and let the air out slow. The party seemed to be dying down; people were leaving and getting into their cars, the couple sucking face had gone, and I hadn't seen any more keg stands for a while now. Inside the front window, I saw Bella hugging a girl while she rubbed her back. The douche stood next to her, smiling down at the two girls. I narrowed my eyes just for the quick glance I got of Jake. No matter what that douche did in life, he would never make it on my good side; I wouldn't allow it. He could cure every type of cancer and I would never give a shit. I would only care enough if it meant it could cure Charlie, but since that was never going to happen, I'd just stick to hating the fucker for eternity.

"Edward, just make me a promise." She turned and looked me square in the face. "Play it cool with her the way back. She is going through a lot of shit and she doesn't need any more, especially from you… And indulge her a little bit." Alice finished, poking me in the chest looking back out to the street.

"Indulge her?" I questioned, but I was stopped when I saw Alice's face. She looked horrified. I followed her gaze down the street almost a block away. I knew it was Jake and the girl Bella was hugging from earlier in the window. The two were very close, talking, almost too close for a man supposedly engaged to someone else, to be talking to. It was all in the body language and even from this distance, I could see that something was going on with them. But when the chick lifted her hand to his cheek, it confirmed it.

Alice started to huff and breathed, "I knew it," under her breath, but loud enough for me to hear.

"I guess we _all_ have our secrets, don't we," I said in the air, not really directing it at Alice

Even though I knew Bella was unfaithful on New Years to Jake, it still pissed me off to find out he was unfaithful to her. It was a double standard, but the instant protector I used to be was starting to emerge out of hiding from the hole I buried it in a long time ago.

We continued to watch for a couple more minutes. Alice and I both sat silent watching the movie play out in front of us. Little did they know, they had the worst audience in the world catching their show. They just stood close, talking and holding each other. The douche seemed to fidget and look around. Most likely checking if the coast was clear.

Just then, the girl pulled at his neck leaning him down to her face. He grabbed at her arms, but didn't push her away. I looked back to the apartment window and saw Bella still chatting it up with random people. I looked at Alice and she was fiddling with her cell phone.

"I need to send a text to Ja......my mom." She eyed me, hiding her screen of her phone.

When I turned back, the two had let go of each other. Jake was making his way back inside while the girl got into her car. He was stalking the pavement hard looking upset. I watched him head to the door and through the window, I saw him go up to Bella and hug her from around the back.

That douche! He had the nerve. Alice needed to get back in there and be with Bella, even if Bella had no idea what had just happened.

"Maybe you should get back inside." I told Alice. She seemed to agree as she went for the handle of the door.

"Sure, I'm being a bad hostess as it is." Alice got out of the car and quietly closed the door, trying not to make our presence known.

"Do you know that girl with him?" I asked leaning into the passenger seat to see Alice.

"Her name is Leah. It's funny; she's from around your neck of the woods." Alice leaned on the door frame again whispering.

"She's from Forks?" I asked.

"Or somewhere outside, I don't know. I try not to pay attention to her. I never really liked her and now I'm sure not to like her." Alice leaned in closer, "Well, gotta get my girl her limes. And Edward, you didn't promise me yet."

I forced my answer.

"I promise Alice, I _will_ be good. It seems like I'm making everyone that promise."

"Thanks." She stopped and reached out her hand, touching the top of my head. "For your own health, I think if you come after nine tomorrow, you will miss Jake." Alice patted my head and the door as she slid her body out of the window frame.

I thought I heard her faintly sing as she strolled down the sidewalk, "Come and knock at our door, we have been waiting for you…"

Was that the Three's Company theme song? Nah.

Alice glided back into the apartment with ease and I saw all three of them through the window. Jake said something and turned his back. Alice made a face behind his back, looking out the window at me. I laughed at our inside joke; Bella smile, hugged Alice and took the limes, exiting from my view. Jake went with her and Alice gave me a faint wave at her side.

I smiled. Alice seemed to still have my back.

Jake was a stupid mother fucker! How could you throw someone like Bella Swan under the bus like that?

Who am I kidding? I did the same exact thing to her… and us. I had no room to talk. Moreover, fighting with myself in my head wasn't going to get me anywhere.

My own words resounded over and over in my head.

"_I guess we all have our secrets."_

Karma can be a bitch, and I had a feeling karma was going to pay a visit to Bella and I on this trip.

I flipped open my phone and dialed.

"Hello." Jess answered.

"Hey."

"It's late, are you okay?" She yawned and I heard her sheets rustle over the phone.

"Sorry, you were sleeping. I'll call you tomorrow." I said apologetically.

"I didn't expect you to call." Jess was already counting me out.

Christ, I felt more alone then ever.

"I didn't know if you would pick up, but I'm sorry I didn't call when I landed. I'm an ass."

Jess laughed lightly. "Yes you are, but a cute one." She at least knew how to make me feel better for the moment.

"I'm going to go get some sleep. I just wanted to hear your voice." Because I already forgot what it sounded like.

"All right." Jess sighed, "Edward, don't forget okay."

"I have the picture." I smiled into the phone while looking over at Bella's apartment.

"You have more then the picture at home." She reminded me.

"I'll call you from the road, okay?"

"I'll be here," Jess said quietly before clicking off the phone, again, not saying goodbye. She was really bad at goodbyes.

I closed my phone and opened it back up to see the picture of Jess and I again. There in my hand was the fresh, almost sexed face of Jess and myself. It looked sweet and anyone who didn't know us would have thought of us as the most in love. For some reason, I didn't want Bella to see this by any means on the way back.

I don't know why, but I didn't want her to know about Jess…

**A/N Hey everyone!! All I will say is that they will meet next chapter!!!! YAY!!! Finally, right?**

**I wanted to share another well written fic by my friend MsNaomi05, Reservations. It's Emmett goodness at it's best and it made me see Emmett in a *a hem* new light. **

**Thanks to Decordova for giving me all kinds of insight to my chapter, Go read her fic, Under the Tuscan Sun. **

**Reviews are better then a top shelf margarita! **


	8. Meet and Greet

**A/N: Thanks for the awesome reviews and for just you know reading the damn thing. **

**To keep everyone up to speed. Edward is in Chicago to take Bella home per Charlie's insistence. Charlie lied to Bella, telling her Emmett is going with her on her "road trip." Alice is in on it, having mentioned talking to Charlie last chapter, and being sneaky, she might be talking to Jasper too, if you didn't figure that out yet. Edward still has no idea that Bella doesn't know he's coming. **

**This chapter is starting with a dream flashback the day of Edward's parents' funeral. **

**I also had to split it into two chapters so expect the next chapter soon. It was getting pretty lengthy so just to justify. **

**Annabella Laurie is the bomb beta and a half. Cheers!**

**Chapter 8-Meet and Greet**

_**Bella**_

Edward was the only one left at the gravesite when I drove up. I didn't dare speak to him before at the funeral, knowing that he wasn't willing to entertain me as Jasper warned earlier. He was slumped over the freshly milled earth as if sleeping. He looked peaceful in his somewhat slumber, but I knew him better. He was festering and it made my heart ache to know that I helped lead him to this place. This was never my intentions and he had to know the truth. I walked gingerly to him, trying not to make a sound. Not wanting to startle him, I bent down and knelt by his side.

"Edward?" I whispered, lightly putting my hand on his shoulder.

He jerked his shoulder away with such force his fist punched the ground in front of him. He let out a soft whimper and I looked down at the indentation his fist made in the ground. I still couldn't see his face, but his breathing started to pick up and I detected he was growing agitated at my presence.

"Get away from me you whore!" He growled, never turning to face me. He played with the dirt in front of him and as best as I could see, he was spelling our names in the soft dirt. I bit back a tear at his allegation.

I inched closer until my knees almost touched his back, but being careful not to actually touch him. I was afraid for my own sanity that any kind of feeling would protrude from my touch sending him over the deep end, which I was trying to avoid.

"I'm sorry." Letting my head fall, my tears ran down my cheeks. Droplets formed little mud puddles on the ground in front of my knees. Making any apology was going to be difficult and having him believe the truth was going to be even harder.

"I said get away from me."

His head hung low and he shuddered, crying quietly as he scooted away from me. I felt the space that he created between us with my hand; I thought for a second that there was a slight warmth to the ground, like there was something else here, next to us. I needed to get closer to him. He needed to know the truth. I brought my hands back to the ground and walked them to his back again. Still not touching, but I was aching too.

"Please don't push me away; it's not what you think. Nothing happened with Jake." I breathed, wiping my chin free of wetness.

"Bella, I don't want to hear it right now. Don't make this about you," he gritted through his teeth. I couldn't see his face, but his tone told me everything. "Just leave now before…" He let himself pause as he turned his head to the side towards me; his hair looked matted to his head from sweat.

I reached out to him and pushed the hair off the side of his forehead. Edward flinched at my touch, but I didn't take my hand away. Relieved for a millisecond, I brushed his head again with the back of my hand, consoling him and even if it was just the back of my hand, it felt like my whole body was in the movement. He swayed his head with each caress I passed over his cheek and back to his temple. My hand looked like water swaying in time with his hair. I could have sworn I smelled the sea air. I sucked it in to try to remember this exact moment, but I got lost in thought of what I was going to say. Edward did this to me, he made my train of thought distort with every little thing he did. Exhaling the breath I hadn't realized I was holding in, I made the littlest of sounds and it brought Edward back down. He yanked at my wrist and pulled my arm, making me fall forward onto his back. I was fully pressed against his back with my arm wrapped around his side. He startled me with the sudden movement, causing my breathing to pick up.

"Ed-ward?" Still shaken by his sudden action, my voice cracked and he pulled my arm around his shoulder in an awkward hug. He held me in a loose embrace as he rocked back and forth. I reached my other arm around to hug his other shoulder, but no sooner was I hugging him then he was pushing my arm away and he stood up, leaving me on the ground, still in the dirt of the grave.

He started babbling incoherently, pacing back and forth, raking his hand through his hair making mini mohawks in their wake. I heard phrases like, "Can't trust you," and "You caused this." He never looked at me and never took his eyes off his feet. He was mumbling and making funny faces, which reminded me of bad pictures that Charlie took over the years. The man never knew how to smile when you said 'cheese.' I didn't have a decent picture of him and Edward was in no frame of mind to smile so making a joke was not a good idea. I just wanted to comfort him and let him know that I was here if he wanted me or not.

Back and forth he paced, shuffling his feet in the wet grass. I memorized the marshy sounds as he walked. The wet soles of his worn dress shoes started to cake with mud and I felt my dress start to soak through. I moved to get up and he stopped moving, holding out his hand to assist me as an automatic gesture. He frowned in annoyance of himself, but didn't drop his hand. Admiring his strong hand, I took it and pulled myself up. It made me happy that he would take it upon himself to still be a gentleman, but I knew that wouldn't last long.

I patted my shirt down and brushed any debris from my backside. He stood looking at me, waiting for me to speak, but I had no idea what to say. So, I just said the first thing that came to mind.

"Alice came with me." I folded my arms around my waist trying to keep warm. "We flew up together two days ago. She wanted to be here for you… and_ for me_." I said hesitantly.

"I saw her." He stated plainly and matter-of-factly, still staring me down. His eyes darted to mine, and then to my lips, then back to my eyes again. He looked like he wanted to say something when he parted his own lips, but he snapped them shut quickly before he let a word pass through.

As soon as he registered what I had said, his beautiful green eyes turned to a nasty glare. _"For you_?" he spit out at me in a sarcastic tone. The anger started to brim over and he narrowed his eyes more and more by the second. I said the wrong thing when I had no right to say anything at all. I should have kept my mouth shut and just stood there like an idiot, letting him break the silence.

He let his chest puff out like a brute going into a fight. He huffed and blew out his steamy breath, thinking exactly what he needed to say; it read all over his face. I knew his face and I knew I was not ready to hear what he had to say.

"What do you mean _for you_?" He spat turning his back to me while grabbing a fistful of hair in each hand. "Your parents aren't dead." He choked back a breath, "You didn't find out that your father is a drunk driver… and kills innocent people-not just people, but mothers- mothers who have no choice, but to leave their sons as orphans!"

He let go of his hair and I stared at him with tears dripping down my face. I knew this was the first time he talked about his parents to anyone. Jasper told me earlier that he shut down after Charlie picked him up from the airport. The only words he spoke were that of a kid named Seth, who was in the accident. Jasper didn't elaborate and I didn't push. It wasn't my place anymore.

I wiped my face with my dress and he looked at me with such hate I could feel the heat radiate off his body. I shouldn't be crying like this in front of him. It was egging him on to continue his tirade into me, but I couldn't help feel that I deserved it a little, even though I knew I meant no harm. This was not my fault, nor Jake's fault, nor Edward's father's fault. This was something else entirely and I haven't figured out what it was and why we all deserved it.

Edward looked away and back to me, seemingly thinking before he spoke, "You didn't have your _ex_ girlfriend's father come and break the news to you!" He stepped closer so I could feel his breath in my face as he sneered at me from the top of his nose. "You didn't see your whore of a girlfriend cheat on you right after she told you how much she missed you and fucking loved you!" He finished glaring at me with as much condemnation he could fathom.

I retreated a step back so the air in between us wasn't so thick. I let the tears well as the lump in my throat felt like a boulder choking me and any words I wanted to squeeze out.

With a smug grin he chided, "Alice wanted to be here for you? _For you_?" He said in disapproval while looking up at the sky with a pointed look. "Be sure to tell Alice that I say Isabella Swan will survive. She moves on ..._quickly._" With one last puff of the chest, he backed down, squatting in a sitting position while staring at his hands.

"Now fucking leave," he whispered, not making eye contact.

"Edward, I-" I paused trying to find anything worthy of his approval.

"I said, fucking leave Bella!" He snorted once more. By his face, he was holding back more anger than he was letting out so I had to make my case fast. He kept to studying his hands while I still stood not moving five feet away from him.

Coming up with nothing to say because how can you rebound from something as profound as what he just said, I froze in place, seeing if he would move first. It was our game of chicken and we were both winning. We must have stood still for over ten minutes, looking everywhere but at each other, willing the other person to make some sort of attempt at reconciliation. I was fearing the first move because I knew Edward would never believe anything I had to say. He already cast his judgment the moment his parents died and Edward didn't move probably because he was just too damn tired to do anything anymore. Jasper said he hadn't slept. He was waiting for me to 'fucking leave' but I knew I couldn't, not just yet.

I went to my knees and let my lower half fold into a sitting position so I was eye to eye with him, still five feet away. Have you ever heard that you can make a dog-or a child, I forget which- respect you if you stayed at their level? Maybe if I did the same thing it would help. At this point, I would've tried anything. Plus, I was tired from standing all day, my feet hurt from walking and my head was spinning from the congestion building from all the crying.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you the truth, _ever_. You made your mind up." I closed the distance between us by inching forward on my knees. "But, I- didn't kill them." Reaching up, I touched a finger to his chin, his body shivered as mine did too.

"It was an accident Edward, the worst kind and I will never know what you're going through. Please don't leave me like this." His hard facade seemed to be breaking, his shoulders slumped slightly and his face softened. I never knew when the right time to bring up Jake would be, but this was as good of a time as ever. With his state, I didn't know if I would be seeing Edward again and it sent a chill down my spine that he wasn't going to be in my life anymore. I cursed Renee over and over in my head. She didn't even show up for the funeral and Elizabeth, Edward's mother was seemingly her best friend.

"Nothing happened with Jake." He winced when I said his name and removed his chin from my finger. I spared myself of looking into his eyes because I wasn't prepared for what I would see if he chose not to believe me, so I started to explain more.

"I never kis-" I stopped myself when I heard him growl softly and looked up to see Edward's eyes harden and peer over my shoulder. His body stiffened and he stood up leaving me still kneeling on the wet grass. I looked over my shoulder ready to kill anyone who was interrupting us.

"What the fuck is he doing here?" Edward breathed fire with his words and I turned around to look at whom he was glaring at.

Back about fifteen yards stood a tall teddy bear who was going to get shot because I was going to get my father's shot gun and kill him myself.

Jake.

I looked back at Edward just as angry as he was, but he didn't see my anger, all he saw was betrayal. He looked like he just ate the worst tasting food and was chewing on his cheek in disgust.

"You brought your boyfriend here?" He leered at me, grabbing my arm, pulling me up from the ground. "Who do you think you are?" His grip was tight and he twisted his wrist, which in turn made me cry out at the dull pain.

"Edward stop, you're hurting me." I begged, but he didn't loosen his hold. He just looked back and forth at my eyes in utter disbelief that I had the gull to let Jake come with me, which I didn't. I was just as surprised as Edward was that Jake was here in the cemetery.

"How dare you disrespect my parents!" Edward pulled at my arm walking me towards Jake.

At the sight of Edward forceful hold, Jake already made his way to where we were. I stared at Jake and shook Edward's hold of my arm free. Jake looked concerned and was reaching for my arm to inspect it, but I moved away so he wouldn't touch me. I was not in the mood for Jake's games and he was in so much trouble for being so foolish and self-centered for showing up here.

"Jake, why are you here?" I breathed holding myself again around the waist, keeping myself warm and together, I didn't know which anymore.

"Bella your cold, here take my jacket." He slid off his jacket, completely ignoring my question.

"She's not cold. She's a heartless bitch!" Edward spoke and started to move back towards the graves. I closed my eyes at the insult, but I didn't say a word to refuse it.

I was ready to have it.

_Dish it out all you want Edward, I can take it. Nothing is going to hurt me more now._

"She's all yours now douche, take her. I already fucked her, she's no more use to me. Have fun with her used stretch out pussy!" He let the words fly without trepidation. He gave Jake a 'bow' and lowered his head mocking him.

My mouth dropped open, as I stood there stunned. With that statement, I knew I couldn't take it even though I tried to convince myself that nothing he could say to me would hurt anymore than losing his parents. My heart broke more than I ever thought it could and I could see Edward eying my reaction. He pushed his brows together in what seems to be regret, but kept his mouth shut.

Jake on the other hand looked livid. As Edward turned his back, Jake took three rather large steps in Edward's direction and grabbed the back of his shirt, spinning him around to Edward's shock.

"You fucking dick!" Jake pushed Edward to the ground. Edward landed hard on his ass and fell back. You could hear the loud thud of Edward's hands instinctively protect him from falling, but in that same instance, I heard a distinct crack and could only imagine Edward might have broken his wrist. I could only guess what was going to happen next. Jake stood tall and planted himself in front of me, guarding me. I felt like he owned me or I was his property and he was there to defend it. I peeked around Jake's arm to see if Edward was all right. He rubbed his wrist with his left hand letting me know that the crack I heard was indeed his wrist breaking. I immediately felt sick to my stomach that Jake hurt Edward over me.

"You shouldn't have done that douche!" Edward was back on his feet in a second flat, running forward, he rammed into Jake's midsection with all his strength, pushing him to the ground. I was still behind Jake when I felt the force of them barreling into me. My body was raked to the side as they tried to avoid me. They both landed with a loud thud as Jake's wind was knocked out of him. He was so big compared to Edward, but Edward was fast and caught Jake off guard.

They started to roll together on the wet ground, getting dirt smudges on their clothes. They each took turns pinning and fighting each other off. Edward grunted and Jake was breathing hard from his nose. They sounded like animals and looked it too. Never in my life had I ever had men fight over me or defend my honor. This wasn't really the right place for such chivalry, but it touched me that Jake thought so much as to get hurt than to see me hurt. Still, this was idiotic and childish. Jake really shouldn't be here-this was about Edward and myself. I heard the sound of fist to skin and I looked back again to see Edward making contact with the side of Jake's face. Jake let out a gurgled sound but recovered easily taking advantage of Edward's broken wrist. Jake took hold of Edward's shoulder and turned him around so that Edward was lying on his side and Jake pinned him down with half his body, ready to return the favor but Edward used his good hand to prop himself up.

I couldn't take it anymore.

"STOP IT RIGHT NOW!" I yelled to the deaf crowd. "JAKE GET OFF HIM!"

Edward reared his head in my direction and I caught his pained expression, but I also distracted him and left him wide open for a face full of Jake beat down. Jake flipped Edward on his back and grabbed his collar as he drew his fist back. My only reaction was probably the stupidest thing to do at the time, but I was working on adrenaline and had no brain matter to speak of; I lunged at Jake, putting myself in aim of Jake's massive fist. Without having time to stop himself, Jake let his fist go and it shot down hitting my jaw as I landed on top of Edward. The sound of fist into face wasn't exactly how it sounds in movies. It was more of a gentle thump sound, but it certainly didn't feel gentle. For a minute there, I saw stars; having never been punched before, I guess it could be expected, but I was still shocking that it actually happened, given I was trying to break up their machismo fight to begin with.

I reached to my face and felt my already swollen jaw, shaking my head to make the stars disappear. Jake hit hard and I looked at him in disbelief that he really did hit me. Then I realized that I had fallen on top of Edward's chest as he was still laid out on his back. He looked up at me and brought his hand to my injured jaw, barely touching it.

In his eyes, I could read concern and debate, but with his touch, I felt the burn on my skin from what force was still between us. Moving my fingers to his chest, I felt his heartbeat quicken. I caught my breath while Edward brushed his fingers against my neck.

"Does it hurt?" was all he asked with sincerity. He surprised me with his gentleness.

"Yes," I muttered, trying to keep my jaw from much motion.

Fury and rage were probably the kindest words to describe the look in Edward's eyes as it registered to him that I wasn't okay. I in fact took a punch meant for him. I would have willingly took much worse if it meant that I could mend his broken heart and bring his parents back, but after all of this he still cared, still cared for my well being. It made me retch to think that again I was the cause of all his pain and torture, but at the moment, he seemed to care more that I was the one who was hurt and pushed himself to the back burner, if only for a minute. Before my eyes, he turned dark and cold, his lips pursed while he fisted the grass to the side of his leg.

He then gripped my waist to move me off him, but I didn't budge, fearing to break our contact for what time I had of it. Jake realizing what he had done, sprang to his feet, and started blurting apology after apology while trying to help me stand. I refused his hand and sat still on the ground.

"Oh my god, Bella! I'm so sorry! Please let me help you." He knelt down, reached for me, and I let him touch my cheek, hoping he could feel the throb where his fist made contact. There was no way I was letting his gesture soothe me as I shot daggers-no wait, bullets-at him with my eyes. I felt his fingers turn my head to inspect any more damage and I quickly dispelled them by shaking his grip off my face. It was then I noticed that Edward was still on the ground beneath me. Jake's simple touch to my face seemed to send Edward over the edge and he shrugged me off him as I fell to the side.

"I can't believe you hit her, you fucking shithead!"

Edward was up on his feet leaving me on the ground,_ again. _Edward charged at Jake like a freight train. Jake's eyes flew wide open as Edward stole his hand back and let it fly into Jake's nose. Jake fell two steps back and reached to his face feeling for blood, which now started to pour down his upper lip. Edward pushed on and stepped up to Jake again.

"Don't ever fucking touch her again!" He screamed, panting unable to control himself. I knew if I didn't stop this, something worse was going to happen.

Before Jake could rebound back, I pushed myself up, getting in between them_,_ this time making sure no fists were flying. I held my back to Jake and used my hands to hold Edward's chest at arm's length. I could feel his accelerated heartbeat and I looked up at his face; his eyes were trained on Jake, but he quickly looked to me. Any hint of concern he had early was all but gone, replaced with resentment as he crinkled his nose at my hands on his chest, finally remembering that he was angry with me.

"This is neither the time nor the place to do this, gentlemen," I said politely, but with a forceful tone, trying to calm them down and waving my hand to remind them where we were.

Edward flared his nostrils. Jake stood ramrod straight behind me pressing his chest to my back. It took everything I had to keep them apart. I was in the middle of this bizarre love triangle that really wasn't a love triangle. Jake and I never did anything, but Edward got enough impression he needed now since Jake showed up out the blue. If I thought that Jake had a little crush on me before, I definitely knew it now. Little crushes don't show up to boyfriend's dead parents' graves. That sounded all kinds of morbid, but by Jakes actions, he was showing me he cared more than just a little. He was so callus and I wanted to know why he chose this location to confront Edward and I.

Edward started to back down. I felt it through my hands on his chest. His breathing was slowly getting steadier and he looked like he was trying to calm himself down. It seemed so fast that his anger dissolved, but I was ready to have a calm Edward to talk peacefully to me.

"Bella, he shouldn't disrespect you like that…" Jake managed to get out before Edward cut him off.

"Take your fucking boyfriend and get the hell out of here." He stepped back still glaring at Jake trying to end the argument.

This wasn't how I wanted this to go. I hadn't had my time to let him know what really happened and it made me panic. He wasn't going to let me fix this, fix us. I could see it in his face. He was surrendering to it, to the pain.

"Edward please!" Not above groveling, I stormed after him, leaving Jake behind. "I need to explain to you..."

Edward turned suddenly into my approach and brought his index finger to my mouth, silencing me.

"I can't hear anymore, Bella." He closed his eyes. "Please," he whispered letting his finger slowly slip from my lips. My mouth felt cold without his touch and it seeped into my heart that this was the last time he would touch my lips.

"Edward…" I whispered. He just shook his head 'no' while looking me in the eyes.

He was calm now and eerily reserved after what had just happened between the three of us. It was almost like he gave up and was done with the fight. I felt tired myself, but I still wasn't done. I had to get this off my chest; I had to make this right. He had to know. Jake had the same idea.

Jake spoke loudly behind us, "I came here to explain to you Edward, that Bella…"

"Shut up Jake, you're not helping. This is not your fight." I yelled back to him. I turned back to Edward.

He quickly beat me before I opened my mouth, "Bella, if you love me at all anymore, you will leave me. I don't have the energy to stay away from you but I have too. I'm not in my right mind so..." He stopped and looked at me, bringing his hand to my temple brushing the hair from my forehead, "I will say hurtful things… please." He was pleading with me to spare me or him, I didn't know which, but I was naive.

"Edward, please don't do this…" I reached up to cup his cheek, but that was too much for him to handle. He swiped my hand away and stepped back to his parents' grave. The softness of his voice was quickly replaced with irritation that I wasn't listening to his warnings.

"Get the fuck away from me, Bella! You don't know what's going through my mind right now! Spare yourself, just fucking go!" He sat back down in the same position I first saw him in when I approached him at what seemed hours ago. He knelt his body down on the dirt, bringing his knees to his chest.

Just above a whisper he said, "I can't love you anymore."

He turned back to look at the ground and I felt my cheeks start to burn. Never realizing that I had been crying the whole time, I now felt my dress across my chest wet with tears. My jaw still ached and I brought my hand to it, rubbing away the pain. I thought that any words now would be in vain but I couldn't move from my spot only feet away from Edward. I was the cause of all this pain and now he could never love me again? What did that mean? And why was this happening? I was numb and afraid. Jake's arms started to slowly engulf me as I started to shake, my legs beginning to feel like goo as he tried to coax me to walk away. Instantly my vision started to blur with tears and I let my legs fall underneath me. Jake quickly picked me up, supporting me with is weight.

"Bella, he needs his space. This is too much for him. Let's go back to Charlie's and I'll explain… myself." He nodded apologetically.

Through my quiet tears, I turned and looked once more at Edward, broken and crumpled up on his parents' grave. Bringing his hands to his hair again, I heard him mumble as if he were talking to them, his parents. I just couldn't make out the words. He was alone. The guilt was placed on me. Jake's arms felt comforting and I shrunk into his side as he cradled his arm around my waist. At that moment, I felt like everything that Edward had called me was true. I laid my head against Jake's chest, giving up the fight and letting Edward go as he requested. It was all I could do for him now.

I let the tears and sobs take over.

"Bella, I'm sorry I… Bells?"

"Bells," I heard Jake say as I was lifted from my groggy state of mind.

I felt my body shake and I could have sworn it felt like an earthquake. I didn't open my eyes, instead just turned my head into the pillow, wishing the day wouldn't start yet and wishing my pounding headache would just disappear. Wishing I would stop having the recurring funeral dream again.

"Bells babe, wake up." Jake's soft deep voice coated the room.

"Mmm, ughhhh." Was the only sounds I could say at this early hour and I felt a little hung-over. Damn you Alice and your margarita machine! I shook my fist in the air with my eyes closed cursing my best friend on finding my weakness and taking advantage.

"Hey, don't hit me. I'm just an innocent bystander." Jake chuckled as I peeled one eye open and saw him lying next to me on my mattress laid out on the floor. I rolled over to my side and nuzzled my face into his chest. That's when I noticed that my face was wet and my eyes felt swollen, knowing then that my dream bled out into reality and I'm sure Jake witnessed it. Again. Stupid recurring funeral dreams! Choosing to ignore how my face probably looked to him, I casually used the sheet to wipe away the trader tearstains.

"What time is it?" I wondered aloud as I wrapped my arm around his waist, hoping he didn't catch that I used my sheet as a giant Kleenex.

"It's 7 in the am, time to get up and get you going." He smiled, but his eyes didn't match his tone. He looked sad as I was too. Being separated from Jake was going to be hard, but it was only for a month I reminded myself.

"We have to get the rest of your things in the truck before I need to leave for work and I'm sure that you and Alice don't want to lug this mattress by yourselves." He said while patting the bed beneath us.

"Nope, not a pretty picture. But can't we sleep for a while longer?" I buried my face farther into his chest, inhaling every breath of him I could take before ripping myself out of bed.

"You had the dream again?" he asked concerned. I nodded. "You talked in your sleep too." Jake moved away and sat up on the bed leaving me lying on the mattress, avoiding eye contact. He hated that I still thought of that day. Jake liked to think that he brought me out of the funk that I was in after Edward left me. He did too, but when he actually witnessed that it still affected me it bothered him.

"Oh." I knew right away that he heard most of what I dreamt; it wouldn't be the first time, but this happening today of all days made Jake feel insecure enough to push me away. The bed felt lonely and I hated that my mind continued to punish me with old dug up memories, but damn it, I couldn't help what I dreamt at night. No one can, no matter how hard you try.

Jake stood and crossed the room to his clothes on the floor. It was then that I realized he was naked and I blushed at the site of his naked backside. It still made me feel the butterflies when he was so bold to show me his body. I was more modest and Jake had no qualms about parading himself. In fact, I think he liked to show off his physique. Never really minding it, I liked to muse at him too. He was a specimen to be seen, his body was nearly perfect with above average muscles and a russet complexion, but as I mused his form some more, I followed his Adonis-like body to his face and my own face fell. He was worried or pained, they both were apparent to me at that moment. I watched him slip his boxers up and grab for his t-shirt lying at the foot of the bed. I chanced a look down at myself, noticing for the first time I was naked, but not remembering how or when or what I did before I got into bed last night. I remembered up to the point when Alice brought home the limes and I started making my signature drink with Grand Marnier. After that, phew... nothing.

I gathered enough courage to ask, "Did we… umm… did we have sex last night?" I asked timidly, embarrassed that I blacked out. I never did that and it was disorientating that I let myself get that way.

Not turning to look at me as he put on his jeans he answered, "We tried, but you were really canned. So… it's okay. I let you fall asleep. Plus, you kept on saying something about 'Three's Company' and that you weren't the Joey, so I knew your head was really out to lunch."

I looked to the ceiling and said a silent prayer that, that was all I said and nothing more. Jake didn't need to know that Alice and I were talking about him and Edward last night.

"I must have had a lot then, huh?" I sat back against the wall watching his every move, cursing myself for wasting our last night.

"Do me a favor and keep your top shelf margarita fetish to yourself around Emmett. You know how you get sometimes." How I got? Was that a warning or something?

"What does that supposed to mean?" I asked getting a little edgy with my headache. I rubbed my temples, trying to ease the pounding.

"You sound like you don't trust me." I crossed my arms defensively.

Jake paused, "I trust you. I don't' know Emmett, so he's the one I don't trust. So that's why I'm asking. I can't be there to look out for you and I really don't like it."

I couldn't help but laugh to myself but I kept it in so I wouldn't make Jake feel anymore need to chastise me, "Emmett would never touch me Jake, he's like a brother, so kinda incestuous." Jake wasn't having it and kept his stern face up.

"Just don't drink, okay." He finished and held up his hand before I could say anything else, silencing me from getting into a huge argument. I let it go. I didn't want to fight before I left and I was crabby as it is.

Jake was finished dressing and sat down on the bed, putting on his socks and shoes. I scooted up and wrapped my arms around his shoulders, hugging him from behind as I let my mouth nibble at his neck. Having cleared the animosity in the air, I wanted to show Jake that I was sorry I got too drunk to enjoy our last night together, I hummed into his ear and saw the goose bumps form on his arm.

Jake stopped tying his shoe and let his arms fall to his sides, not giving back any of the tenderness I was giving him. He was angry with me, and the 'no drinking' warning was serious to him but I couldn't shake the feeling that he didn't trust even though he said otherwise.

"I can't help my unconsciousness," I whispered as he sighed loudly into the air. I let my hands work their way down to his lap. He knew what I meant, I was referring to my dream which got him heated to begin with. He was using the 'no drinking' rule as a shield to what really was bothering him but he surprised me when he didn't remove my hands from his crotch. I heard him grunt as I place more pressure.

"I'm sorry, please forgive me." I breathed into his ear while gently taking his earlobe into my mouth and sucking it. His head bowed at my touch and I felt him press his back into my chest, making my nipples harden in response.

He moaned when I bit and pulled at his lobe at the same time I took my other hand and lowered it to his waist, lifting his shirt, all the while peppering his neck with small kisses. I felt his hand lift up to mine and gently, he placed each palm over both of my hands as I rubbed his stomach and his erection. The anticipation was making me grow excited and my own stomach started to tingle. I knew that my nipples weren't betraying my need for skin-to-skin contact. Jake and I were going to be separated for a month and we've never been away from each other for that long before. Reading my mind, he let my hands go and lifted his shirt above his head, throwing it to the ground. I brought back my hands to his lap and carefully massaged the tension that was present before.

"Mmm, Bells that feels good…" He breathed as he let his hand dance with mine over his hard erection.

Jake turned his head and brought his lips to meet mine as our mouths crashed together. I let my tongue trace his lips. His kiss was desperate, almost urgent, and I felt it with every movement and every caress of his tongue. I moaned as Jake raised his hand to the back of my head and directed more of his kiss into my mouth. I wanted to make this right for him. Last night was supposed to be our night and I ruined it by being selfish and letting the better part of my emotions rule my drinking.

I was so completely lost in desire, I hadn't noticed the incessant knocking outside my door, but it fully broke into my consciousness when I heard Alice start to shout.

"Hey guys, are you awake?"

"Ugh!" Jake bellowed.

"Just don't say anything, maybe she will go away." I whispered into his mouth.

More knocking.

"She won't give up, will she?" Jake asked eying the door.

"Bella, come one open the door. I have a surprise for you!" She chimed from the hallway.

We still didn't answer, hoping she would take the hint and come back later. However, Alice being Alice, we weren't so lucky and she didn't just go away.

She knocked on the door louder this time while turning the door handle. I removed my hand from Jake's pants quickly forgetting that I was groping him and fell back on the bed not wanting Alice to see what we were doing. Jake looked amused.

"I locked the door last night." He smiled and turned to crawl on the bed after me. I laughed back quietly so Alice wouldn't hear and pulled his arms to me letting him collapse on top of me.

But we weren't getting rid of Alice that easy.

"You know, I hear you in there." We clearly heard her stomp her foot and Jake and I started to crack up silently, still not wanting Alice to hear us. "Alright you two, if you're locking me out, I'm coming in!" She yelled from the other side of the door.

I quickly looked at Jake and he back at me, not knowing if Alice was serious or not.

"She wouldn't try to come in here would she?" Jake asked. I rolled him off me and grabbed more sheets to cover myself. I quickly saw one of Jake's t-shirts on the floor and threw it over my head as I reached for my underwear I saw under my pillow.

"Don't put it past her." I pushed Jake up with my foot. "Button your pants."

True to fashion, a jiggle came from the doorknob and Alice was turning the handle, letting herself in. She saw Jake at the end of the bed, bending over trying frantically to button his fly before she got a look. Alice strutted into my bedroom carrying a large tray, sitting it down on the edge of the bed next to me, she gave Jake a mean look and I took mental note to ask her about that later.

"So… whatcha guys doing?" She chirped looking at me.

Jake scooted over as Alice planted herself next to me, "Getting cockblocked." He mumbled.

"Sorry Jake, but I'm sure you're going to get your rocks off yourself, later" Alice said with a smug grin.

I wanted to punch the Cheshire grin right off her face, but she did come bearing gifts so I let it slide for now. She took one plate filled with a stack of golden pancakes and handed them to me. She then took her own plate full of cakes and proceeded to idly chat about random things we were going to do this morning. The only plate left on the tray was filled with the most burnt stack of pancakes I ever seen. I presumed that was Jake's plate.

Jake glared at the remaining plate and scowled, "Are those mine?"

"Sorry, the phone rang and I forgot to flip them and I used all the batter." Alice just shrugged like it was nothing in the world, taking a bite off her plate. I gave Alice a look.

Lifting up a pancake and checking the other side. "You forgot to flip both sides of the pancake?" Jake said in disbelief as he took his plate loading it with maple syrup trying to mask the taste.

"Here, you can have some of mine." I offered and heaped two cakes onto his plate. I saw Alice roll her eyes, but I didn't say anything. She was acting funny this morning. Usually, she would have made something else for Jake, or at least brought him some cereal.

We finished up breakfast and Alice left so I could change and get ready to load my things into the moving truck. Jake was right, Alice and I would have looked really silly trying to lug my king size mattress out by ourselves, he pretty much lifted it like a feather and threw it into the back of the truck.

Jake had to leave soon after and I took him outside to say my goodbyes. I left Alice on the couch, fidgeting. She seemed excited, almost jumpy.

"I will call you when we stop and when I get to my mom's house," I confirmed to him. Almost forgetting that Emmett and I were stopping at Rene's house in Denver, I had to call her and remind her myself.

He pulled me into his arms and hugged me, burying his face in my hair.

"I'm missing you already, Bells. I wish it wasn't so long until I see you. It's gonna be rough. Who will I talk to and hang out with? How am I going to eat, your making me make my own meals." He chuckled, "I might wither away." He placed his chin to rest on top of my head and I hugged his chest tighter.

"You will survive. I made you all those frozen meals so eat those and you have Leah to hang out with until you're done with work." I looked up at him and his eyes look hard or even cold. I felt him grasp me tighter.

"Yeah, sure but it's not the same." He said looking away.

I reached up and kissed his chin playfully, "I love you Jake."

"I love you too, babe." He let go of my waist and planted a chaste kiss on my forehead.

"Call me please… and no margaritas." I feigned disgust as I lightly punched him in the stomach.

"All right, all right, no margaritas." I crossed my heart as I watched him walk to his car. He stopped before he got in and blew me a kiss. I smiled and mouthed 'I love you' back at him. He then got in and drove away. I let one lonely tear run down my cheek before I headed inside to sit and wait for Emmett with Alice.

Alice was still sitting on the couch playing with her cell phone. I sat down next to her and slapped her knee.

"So what's up with you? Are you mad at Jake or something? You were acting strange with him this morning. And you completely ruined morning sex for me." She bit her lip, but said nothing. I looked at her more closely. "What's wrong?" I asked, getting antsy for her to talk to me.

"I need to tell you something before_ he_ gets here." Alice began as she took my hands into her lap. "This hasn't been easy keeping this from you, but I had to do it for your own good and I don't want you to kill me when you find out." She finished, waiting for me as ask her to continue. She defiantly peaked my curiosity because now I had a bad feeling in my chest that I wasn't going to like was she was going to say.

"I was talking to Jasper this morning and he told me I shouldn't throw you under the bus and I should have told you last week but Charlie made me promise…" She started to ramble.

"What? Jasper, when do you talk to Jasper? This is my Jasper right, from Forks? And Charlie? Did he call here and I missed it?" How many people in the world are named Jasper that the both of us would know? And why was Alice talking to my dad behind my back? This was so confusing.

"Um, I talk to Jasper. A lot."

"How much is a lot?" I asked completely weirded out now that she has been hiding this from me.

Alice started to play with the hem of her shirt, "Well, a lot like, almost everyday for the last four and half years." She closed her eyes tight, waiting.

"Four and a half years!" I yelled.

Alice went to nod her head yes when we heard three loud knocks on the front door. I stood casting my eyes at the door, but not leaving Alice's side just yet.

"There's Emmett." Great timing! I would of left him out there for five more minutes but that would be rude.

"This conversation is not over! I can't believe you just telling me this now." I expected her to just agree with me but Alice's reaction surprised me because she looked at the door and back to me her eyes wide with expectation

Alice stood up with me and gently pushed me forward. "Let's get this over with."

"Huh?"

"We'll talk in a minute once you open the door. _Trust me_."

Alice let out a nervous laugh and followed close behind me to the door. I turned to look at her warily, but she seemed panicked or ashen, like all the color had washed right out of her face. I've only seen her like this once and it was when Bonnie Belle discontinued her favorite flavor of lip-gloss. I thought the world was going to end that day.

"Breath Alice, you look sick. Take a deep breath or something," I told her.

"You better breathe too then," she said back in what seemed like a warning. I humored her and we both took a long exaggerated breath together. It made me feel better, but Alice still looked like she was about to pass out. I smiled back at her as I reached for the handle to the door.

Quickly grabbing my hand before I turned the knob Alice looked at me. "Bella, it's not Emmett. There, not throwing you under the bus."She chimed mostly to herself. I was about to question her, but she used her hand and started to turn the knob. "Just remember I love you, okay." She whispered as we both stepped to the side and pulled the door open.

The cool air of the morning blew in and cooled my warm skin and the sun beat down on us, forcing me to squint. I felt it tingle my upper lip as I focused on the figure on my stoop. From the pit of my stomach I knew what Alice meant when she opened the door with me. This figured outlined by the sun from behind him was definitely not Emmett. He was smaller and his shape was different. He was also quiet, maybe looming. I was speechless myself as I was slowing taking in this figure. I felt Alice next to me push my arm slightly with her own making me blink as I remembered I was just staring at him. The figure moved out of the direct path of the sun to our left and I focused more on what I was looking at.

He was perfection, he was honey, and he was my pain wrapped up into one. He was cookies and milk, a top shelf margarita, my desire and my end.

He was just standing there, quiet. I gasped but didn't make a sound.

I couldn't move, he wouldn't let me. His hold was already on me and I felt it the moment I stepped out of the door. I suddenly felt completely thrown under the bus, not just thrown but dragged for miles on a gravel road by my hair.

_He shouldn't be here._

A mad rush of warmth and craziness swept over me and my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest and land on the concrete in front of me when I started to realize who this was.

He was only in my dreams not on my doorstep. This has to be a figment of my imagination. This was no different from my dream this morning. He was not real, he couldn't be. I blinked again and shook my head. I inhaled the air just to test if it smelled like him.

It did.

_This was my Edward, and he was here in front of me. _

**A/N **

**Sorry I had to end it there, ducks for cover, I did say they would meet just not how much. That comes next chapter. Like I said, this chapter got to be really long and it had to be done. **

**Reviews are better then Edward showing up on your door, even if it's shirtless Edward from New Moon. Hot Damn!! That made my week:) **


	9. Warm Welcomes

**A/N Thanks to my cool ass beta Annabella Laurie who really saved my butt with this chapter! Not only did I make her beta in like two days but she made it so pretty while doing it. Also thanks to MissAlex for being the coolest Canadian I know and my partner in crime. And to Punkfarie cause she would kick my ass if I didn't. **

**I also got nominated for a Sparke award go to**

**www(dot)thesparkleawards(dot)yolasite(dot)com I'm up for best lemon! **

**Chapter 9-Warm Welcomes**

_**Bella**_

I had to take Alice's advice and breathe. I felt stifled and hot, almost like the walls were closing in on me. The small amounts of perspiration were starting to drip down the sides of my temple. I wiped away the sign of my weakness and firmly planted my hand back down at my side. If I remained stiff, maybe this aberration of Edward would drift away in the cool breeze. I insulted myself for being so stupid to think that this was still a dream; this was as real as the nose on my face. I heard Alice exhale beside me, but I didn't even move an inch to glare at her. I couldn't if I tried.

He was wearing dark wash jeans with a blue t-shirt, half-tucked into the waistband. A leather coat hugged his shoulders and he had a black knit cap hiding his hair. He wore Wayfarer sunglasses and had a coffee in his hand. I inspected him up and down slowly in my mind, memorizing the sight in front of me because if this was my imagination, I wasn't sure if I wanted it to disappear. I had never seen him look sexier and more dangerous before. He was dark and brooding, not like the person I once knew, not even like the person I was with on New Years.

It was Edward and he was here. My brain seemed to sputter out his name in my head. Trying to grasp the situation in front of me was overwhelming and I felt like I had shrunk down to two feet tall at the weight of his stare on me, but I couldn't turn away. His hold was relentless and admiring. It intrigued and fascinated me. It was all too much and not enough all together. I looked everywhere but at his face because I knew that when I did, I was done for. But he was like a drug and I couldn't help myself, so I dared myself to see if I could resist him and not fall under his venomous spell.

I took the chance.

My eyes traveled up to his face and I couldn't steal them away. He didn't move for what seemed like eternity. He stood tall like a statue ready for me to speak first, which I knew I wasn't going to do. Finally, he shuffled his feet and broke our locked stare to look down at the ground then back up to me. He took off his sunglasses and the brilliant green eyes I remembered sparkled as they caught mine intently. It felt like he was shooting out this weird voodoo trance thing that only I could feel because Alice was moving next to me and I swore she said something, but through my tunnel vision and sudden deafness, I didn't catch it. I was stuck on Edward's stare and he seemed to be inspecting me as well. He was beautiful and I wanted to touch him so badly it made my fingers twitch ever so slightly.

On their own accord, my feet began to move and I had no control, the inner pull in my stomach was forcing me to move and I couldn't tell my body otherwise. He was so close now and I was right underneath him. I was as tall as his collarbone and looking at him required me to move my head back. When I did, he peered down at me, still not saying a word. The corners of his mouth turned up and I felt mine mirror his because I couldn't help it. Nothing I was doing was in my control, but for just this minute, I didn't care. I reached up and pulled his cap off his head needing to see his hair shine in the morning sun. His breath caught in response and I brought my other hand to ghost my fingertips along his strong jawbone, which tensed when I touched him. The jolt of first touch radiated through my fingertips and down my whole body. It energized me and I yearned to reach out for more. I reached up again to his chin to feel the stubble of his beard but he flinched and moved his head back minutely.

That slight movement brought me back down from cloud nine, which I let myself so effortlessly float up to. I tore my hand away and stepped back, feeling the tension crease in my brow. His once calm face now wore a look of dread and displacement, maybe even rejection.

Then I realized that the warmth I was feeling was more anger that my body was betraying me. Anytime I was around him, I let myself drift off into Edwardland, how could I be so childish and immature to let me infatuations allow myself to fall prey to his games again? I knew why he was here. There was no doubt in my mind now and I was sure of it. He did this before to me and it egged me on beyond my control because I lost myself when I was around him. He knew this too. His beautiful smug face reminded me why I chose not to let him back into my life again. This irritated and pissed me off more than I could describe. The fury started to build and the warmth I was feeling was turning into Mount Vesuvius lava hot madness with a dash of Habanero sauce.

He had the nerve, _the audacity,_ to do this again. To show up unannounced coming for me, only this time, at my own home. He definitely had a steel set on him, but it still made me want to kick him where it counts. I could have dealt with him at home in Forks, but just showing up here again was inexcusable and he had perfect timing too. My body began to tremble and my chest pounded louder than before. Any sort of reasonable conversation was out the window now since he pulled this stunt and showed his face here again. What did he think I was going to do with him here? Certainly not what we did on New Years. I was going to make sure my little slip up was never happening again.

I felt Alice grab at my upper arm, but it didn't help me when it came to calming me down. As I stood there, I was sure I was going to hyperventilate or shoot fire from my mouth, daggers from my eyes, or my hair might turn into Medusa snakes and turn Edward to stone.

Edward looked at me and over my shoulder at Alice. Before he went to open his mouth, I cut him off.

"You!" I seethed, breathing hard as I stepped back up to him, forcing Edward to step back. My entire body felt like it was on fire, but just then the wind blew just right and I smelled him, almost letting all of my guard down again. Almost. If it wasn't for my insane body heat reminding me of my anger, I might of melted right there. My harsh use of wording prompted Edward to grow rigid and a coarse vein popped out of his forehead indicating to me that I hit it right on the head.

Taking a step forward. "Do you think I want to do this?" He spat back in my face, just inches away. I could see his eyes bore into mine and his own anger started to bleed over his face.

"What the hell are you doing here, Edward? Trying to get a free lay again? Well you came to the wrong place, bud!" I yelled, taking a step closer to him.

I was only an inch away from his mouth because he towered over me. The gamut of emotions was running through my head. Being this close, I could either kiss him hard or knock him out silly. Feeling his breath on my face wasn't helping either. I was already drunk on it and it made my mind fog with the thoughts of where he could put his mouth on my body, but I had to snap out of it and remind myself that he was just using me to get his pathetic thrills out of the way. Why else would he be here? This was beyond love now; he couldn't feel anything for me anymore.

It wasn't an option for us anymore.

He laughed, closing his eyes and letting his head fall back. His shoulder shook as his body remained a hair away from mine. It was too much. He was too close. I jumped back into the doorway and bumped into Alice who was biting her nails.

"You think I would come all the way here just to get fucked?" He stopped laughing and moved right in front of me again, so close his nose was touching mine and I could feel his breath on my skin. "You got a funny mind little girl if you think I want any of what you have under there anymore." He picked up a piece of my shirt from my shoulder and pulled it up then to release it with his fingertips.

I scoffed and blew the last bit of air from my lungs out at his face. He closed his eyes and inhaled. I could see I wasn't alone in our little game. I knew instantly I was affecting him much like he was ruling me. I had an advantage and I would remember that for later.

"Where's Emmett?" I asked through clenched teeth as I pushed on Edward's chest to give me space. He was still too close and I couldn't think anymore if I had to breathe in his fucking wonderful cologne.

I was going to let what Edward just said go only because I had no witty comeback at that very moment and if I was going to throw insults at him, they had to be good.

He smirked and straightened up his jacket. "Where's Emmett? Why would Emmett be here?" He said annoyed and confused while he pushed his sunglasses back on his face and taking a swig of his coffee.

Edward must have seen the wheels turning in my head when I didn't say anything back to him. I knew I felt my mouth open to speak, but nothing wanted to come out because I felt for sure that this was all a sick joke. There would be no way my father would do this to me. All the dots seemed to be connecting as I started to realize that I had been set up.

"Emmett is not coming, is he?" I snuck a quick look back to Alice who lowered her head as she shook her head, 'no.'

"What are you talking about? Emmett is at home taking care of Charlie while I'm here. That was the plan," Edward bellowed as he dropped his duffle bag from his shoulder. I pointed my head directly to his duffle sitting at his feet. I hadn't noticed him carrying the bag until now and the circumstances seemed to fall apart before my eyes. My assumptions were correct. Emmett was never going to go on this trip with me and I'm sure now that Emmett was never even asked. It was Edward all along and Charlie was behind this, I knew it. How could Charlie even think I would agree to this in the first place?

_Well, damn Bella, he knew I wouldn't so that explains the lie._

He was packed. He was on my doorstep. Emmett was not. I felt dizzy with confusion and fury of betrayal.

"But why are _you_ here?" I asked seeing his face clearly for the first time.

I was finally unclouded with whatever it was that weighted me in the last ten minutes and I saw the real Edward standing right in front of me. It wasn't the dream anymore and it wasn't my imagination mucking up my better perceptive. The droplets of sweat rolled down my back as I felt sick to my stomach. Jake would never let this happen. I had to talk to him and tell him I was staying. The thought of being alone with Edward made my skin crawl and vibrate at the same time. There would be no way I could manage the whole way home with him. Jake's warning was playing over and over in my head, but how he would change his tune if he knew Edward was on this doorstep instead of Emmett. I shivered at the thought of Jake's anger when I told him.

Mentally scolding myself, I knew I needed to go home to Forks. Staying here would be the cowardly thing to do. I had to be with Charlie even though I could have killed him first before the cancer did. He was a meddling and a manipulative man and he was my father. I could openly defy him, but what would come of it? Just dredged up old memories and arguments that would get me back to square one. Dealing with my father was going to be my task alone and if Edward thought he was doing my father a favor by running his last errand, then he had another thing coming. I was not going to be Edward's charity case. I could take care of myself and my father. The sweat was now built up on my neck and it wet the front of my shirt. I saw Edward glance down and quickly look away. At that moment, I knew he had definitely more intentions then just serving Charlie with his last request, which I knew that this parade was all about, but I still had to know, I had to hear it from him. Edward had to confess to me why he was here so I can live with the fact that letting him go was the best decision I ever made.

Edward still stood, not answering my question. I narrowed my eyes and looked at him from underneath my lashes. Alice was still dancing foot to foot next to me, not saying a word. It was the perfect time for a chatterbox to hold her tongue, but she was managing just fine keeping her two cents out of it. She was letting me absorb all this in and Edward seemed to be letting me do the same thing. Even though Alice decided to remain quiet, didn't mean I didn't want answers. I wanted answers _now_.

I turned to Alice and she jumped as my body brushed into hers. "Why is he here Alice?" I asked through my teeth.

I knew, she knew very well why he was here and not only did she keep Jasper a secret, she kept my greatest love and my greatest heartache a secret too. I never felt so ripped up and angry in my life and the shiver I felt was turning into boiling shakes as I fisted my hands into balls and leaned closer to Alice to make sure I heard every last word she said.

Alice looked at me with big eyes as her mouth dropped open. She let out the sightless gasp as she looked over to Edward and back to me. Her eyes working me up and down judging if I would hit her or let her live. I stiffened my back and held my chin out ready for explanations, but she looked again to Edward waiting for him to save her. I too glanced back to his face to see if he was giving an inclination that help was on the way. Surprisingly, the smug grin he had was gone and he looked more agonized than arrogant. I turned back towards Edward and walked right up to him again, still the pull was there, but now I walked to him on my own terms. He hadn't answered me yet.

I asked again, "Why are _you_ here, Edward?" I tried to ask in the calmest fashion, wanting him to answer me this time.

Edward was reading my face and my reaction, probably detecting that I was calming myself in order to have a civil conversation, but really any civility I wanted to have back in Forks with Edward was long gone. Every promise I made to myself that closure was key back in Forks was now in my face before I was ready for it. Edward still peered at me with his silly Wayfarers on made me nervous. His eyes revealed everything and I brought my hand up to remove them. He grimaced as I took his dark shield away and I licked my lips at his intensity because I was not ready to be lied too.

"Tell me."

He raised his brow and let one side of his mouth turn down as he chewed on his cheek, thinking. He started to sway from side to side and I almost mimicked the motion, but stopped myself before I let myself slip once again into that damn energy that he gave off. I would think he was doing this on purpose if I hadn't known him for so long, but it was just my Edward and it was just the way he was. He put no effort into his attractiveness nor did he bother to care what people thought. He had no idea the magnitude of power he had over people, women. I still felt petty and selfish that I would let this bother me still.

"Tell me." I repeated bravely, since he seemed to be in la la land and I knew I was firmly grounded.

Edward looked over my shoulder to Alice. "Charlie didn't tell her he sent me here?" He put his hand to his head and rubbed his brow. "She didn't know, did she?" Shaking his head, "Fucking old man."

I backed down and took a step back bumping into Alice still in the doorway.

"Bella, I-" Alice reached for my shoulder, but I stepped to the side to avoid her touch.

"I need to talk to my dad, now," I hissed as I backed up and went to find my phone inside, leaving Edward to wait on my doorstep.

_**Edward**_

I was doing it again, like I knew I would be doing this morning. I had my ass planted down the street from Bella and Alice's apartment in this stupid, ugly ass, teal rental car. Observing. Well, technically stalking again, just to feel everything out before I went up to the door, and also so I could avoid the douche since I knew he was still inside. Mentally pumping myself up for this wasn't a problem, but getting my ass out of the car was another matter all in itself. I never did go to a hotel, and I had to reek from not taking a shower for two days. Last night, after I left my previous stalking escapade I drove around aimlessly, not wanting to stop. I was content on getting lost in the city just thinking about what I would say to Bella the next day, or if I even really wanted to make conversation at all. I knew I said to everyone before I left that I wasn't planning on talking much, but I knew I couldn't sit in a moving truck for 34 hours with someone and not say one fucking word. Especially with Bella.

I let my hands rub the smooth pleather of the steering wheel as I looked at the moving truck on the street. It was a U-Haul small box truck, which seemed to be as old as I was. Bella must have gotten a good deal because I wasn't sure this thing was going to last all the way back. I didn't know if the phrase, "They don't make them like they used to." could even apply to this piece of junk. I reached into my back pocket to grab my wallet. I opened it and took note that I had all my credit cards and plenty of cash in case that moving violation wasn't going to make it and putter out in the middle of the boonies.

Bella must not have had too much to haul back, but I guess she needed the truck to haul her car behind it. Sure enough, the car was anchored to the back of the truck, ready to make the journey with us. I had to laugh out loud because just looking at Bella's car was ironic. Granted I had never seen her car here because she bought it after we split up, but it had to be my life that I would be driving a fucking old ass U-Haul pulling a _teal_ Ford Taurus. This trip couldn't get any better. I think God was laughing at me when I became so snobbish with my taste in vehicular travel.

I again rubbed the steering wheel, mostly for comfort as I spoke to my rental. "Hey buddy, you have a cousin." I continued to laugh at myself and pat my car telling it, it deserved better than a jackass like me, feeling very much cursed for hating the color teal. It was truly going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Karma, she was coming at me from all sides.

I let my hands relieve themselves of the steering wheel as I reached for my sunglasses, the morning sun was starting to shine through the clouds and the day was already set to look bright ass and cheery. Today would have been more fitting for clouds and monsoons with the attitude I was carrying around on my shoulders. I called Emmett earlier to check on Charlie, he was taking him to treatment today; Charlie wasn't having one of his good days and Emmett was having a hard time handling it. When Emmett told me he had to help Charlie walk and relieve himself, it made me feel guilty I wasn't there to help him myself. Even if I wasn't there for him now, the best I could do was be here in Chicago for her and my other hidden agenda was also worth the ride home for.

I felt clueless and so unsure of myself. This wasn't the cocky asshole persona I tried too hard to display for all these years. I looked into the rear view mirror trying to analyze my new expression. My eyes wore dark circles and my skin looked shallow. My hair was dirty and unkempt but that wasn't new. Really looking at my face, I could tell I was tired, not just physically tired but tired with myself. I was tired of my life and the way I let myself get drug down into depression so easy. The self-loathing literally held on to me more than any normal person would let it. My reflection was talking back as I stared hard into my own eyes.

"_You're a pussy! Remember everyone's advice and keep your dick in your pants."_

"Fuck off, I'm not a pussy!" I berated myself in the mirror.

"_Yes you are. Why do you think you shaved your beard last night in the bathroom of the Circle K? You're trying to impress her. Face it, you're a pussy."_

"I wanted to shave it. Charlie has been hounding me forever to do it. I have to look the part of a deputy remember? Next, he'll have me shave my head if I'm not careful. Besides, it has nothing to do with Bella."

"_You're avoiding the inevitable. You're going to break. Look at you, you're weak. That fucking picture on your phone isn't going to help you with shit. And it has everything to do with Bella; you know she loves you clean shaved."_

"Fuck off, self." I angrily scold the mirror.

This is fucking ridiculous. I was fighting with my own reflection and feeling loonier by the minute. Before Charlie asked me to do this trek across America, I was content and blissfully able to rid my mind of anything Bella. Now I second-guessed every move I made while my mind knew exactly what my body wanted. Looking back in the mirror, I quirked an eyebrow and reached up, pulling the mirror off the windshield shattering the plastic anchor that held it in place. I tossed the mirror to the floor, taking back control of my mind once more and proving to myself that this wasn't a pussy inducing trip. Well, not in the sense of the word. It was a pussy induced trip. I was trying to get Jess's pussy without the mindfuck while doing it.

"AGHH!" I released an clearly voluminousness sound as I realized my windows were open and I could be heard. I quickly looked around to make sure I was not witnessed and roll my eyes at myself for lacking the better judgment.

I scratched my head and put on my black knit hat so my hair wouldn't scare anyone this early in the morning. Readjusting my sunglasses, I let my line of sight trail to the front door of Bella's apartment and as fate would have it, the door opened. Out stepped Bella and the man I liked to call Douche.

I felt intrusive watching them say their goodbyes as I remembered Charlie telling me again why Jake wasn't making this trip with Bella. No internship meant that much to me to let my girl go back home with her ex. He must be the most moronic person in the world to allow this to happen, but I already knew that answer to that, he _was_ moronic. But still, their exchange was brief and I had to laugh to myself as I spied on them that I would have given her a better send off then a kiss on the head. He could at least kissed her like he meant it. I could handle that much and maybe has a little respect for him but a simple 'friend' like kiss on the forehead didn't say to me, 'I'm going to miss the shit out of you.'

"Fucking moron," I moaned to myself as I effortlessly rolled my eyes and ducked down in the car so if by chance the douche wouldn't see me as he walked to his car. The last thing I wanted was to rehash the last time I saw him and I wanted to spare myself the strength of even wasting the air in my lungs to talk to the ass. He was nothing more than pond scum, so avoiding him was crucial to not losing my tempter the rest of the day. I knew he would just put me in bad mood, which I already was in after last night's show he put on with 'Leah.'

I peaked my head up in time to see Jake drive down the street. It seemed so easy for him to just leave her. It was never that easy for me. Every time it killed me. It was like hearing my parents were dead all over again and I was right back at the airport crying like a baby into Charlie's shoulder. Yet, Jake did leave her and now it was my turn to clean up his mess. I wish I didn't feel the need to be here so much or I would be driving away too, alone.

This was all insanity to me. I was literally laughing at myself all night long about the whole mess I managed to get myself into. Of all the people in the world, Charlie had to choose me to do his fucking errand and I of course had to oblige him because I had no choice in the matter. I couldn't refuse him, but turning this around to benefit me was proving harder than I thought. Last night when I saw Bella in her red dress standing outside, wind whipping her hair and her pale skin glowing in the moon light, just made me think that I wasn't strong enough yet. In fact, I knew I wasn't strong enough yet to face her. I berated myself over and over and looked at the picture of Jess to remind myself why I was here in the first place.

Then the fucking douche had to go and pull all that shit with the girl Leah. The douche was cheating on Bella and in my right mind, I knew I shouldn't care, but I would be lying to myself to say I didn't. It angered me to no end that someone would treat her that way, right under her nose. I wanted to pull myself out of my car and walk up to him and kick his ass, but that would make my mission for this trip harder. If I had kicked his ass, then Bella probably would never go back to Forks with me. Then, I wouldn't get any closure from the trip and I would be no better off than if Charlie never asked me to come. I would still be just using Jess and never feeling fulfilled while I thought of Bella the whole time.

I took one last look around the teal beast and made sure I had everything I came with. The car was kind of trashed, but I would pay for it later, money hasn't been an object since my parents died. I patted the wheel again, "Now or never." I said aloud as I picked myself out of the car, closing the door behind me.

I looked back at the car once and my eyes caught the windshield and its missing rear view mirror. If I had to look into that mirror now, my reflection would only yell at me to not turn around and keep my eye on the prize, but I couldn't help but notice that my feet were moving at a snail's pace. I felt the familiar tug on my ankle of my gun holster, concealing the nine millimeter I brought with me. It was the only thing that felt cold on my body, the rest of me was starting to warm. It made me wish I didn't wear this leather jacket but honestly, it was another skin to keep me protected from Bella penetrating my defenses or so I was telling myself. I shrugged off the thought and focused on the door I was approaching, too quickly. The only thing wandering through my head was what I would actually say to Bella when she opened the door.

How would any conversation start with Bella given this is the first time I had seen her since I practically molested her behind the bar on New Years.

_Hey Bella, long time no see._ Lame.

_What? Your engaged? I had no idea_. Lame again.

_So, are you ready to get on the road so I can will you out of my consciousness and be able to fuck a girl properly again? _That one sounds good, I'll use it.

There was really no right way to say anything to her without it coming off like I was a jerk or that I wanted more than to just return her home. So, I decided to keep my mouth shut, like my original plan had been. Let Bella do all the talking and I wouldn't get myself in trouble. She knew why I was here, and since I haven't heard an inkling that she protested my presence, she needn't have to say a word to me in return. When I finally arrived at the door, I looked around me and over to the moving van. I readjusted my duffle on my shoulder and pushed my sunglasses up the bridge of my nose. I held my coffee tight and wished it were a stress ball since I felt my tension in my hands increase as I looked at every splinter of wood in the door. I raised my hand a dozen times before I actually hit the door loud enough for a knock to be heard, then I let two more loud knocks ring as I stepped back and waited.

I took two more steps back allowing more room between the door and myself. Shaking my free hand, I hopped from one foot to the other and let my head shake back and forth. Loosening my neck muscles and wiggling my body free of built up angst I created all the time, I looked down at my feet and noticed my own shadow looked nervous. I was feeling too worked up, the anticipation was killing me when neither Bella nor Alice immediately answered the door. I huffed angrily and took a sip out of my coffee cup. Then I heard the door handle move, but it didn't open. There were whispers behind the door and I looked from my shadow as the door slowly began to open.

The first person I saw through the crack of the door was Alice in all her glory. Last night, she made me feel less guilty for stalking the apartment. I went to smile, but I soon let my lips fall as I saw the look she was wearing. It wasn't the 'happy to see you' look, more like the 'I'm going to puke' look. I was about to say 'hello' when Alice pushed the door further open and Bella stood next to her.

To say she took my breath away would be an understatement. The last bit of air I had was stuck in my throat while my heart started to pound demanding more. I felt the smallest of gasps in my ears but soon realized it came from me and no one else. I let my mouth close as I remained still. At that very moment, the wind blew gently and waved her hair over her shoulders. Her hair flowed and danced against her neck and I tightened my hand on my coffee cup again. I swore this thing was going to explode if I didn't set it down. Just the slight movement of her hair sent me back to age seventeen again, making me feel too excited, just being two steps away from running my fingers through her hair like I used to. My mouth was dry and I felt the remains of cheap coffee grounds tickle my tongue. Bella's eyes were evanescent as the sun sparkled the brown specks of her irises. It was as clear as day how beautiful her eyes looked. I didn't want to take my eyes off of her, but really I had no choice, the moment she opened the door and the first glimpse I took of her flooded me with everything I wanted to feel for Jess but couldn't. With Bella it just came natural, like instinct but I had to look away, I had get collected. It was too easy and it was too much.

Bella was still, staring. Alice looked like I killed her dog and swung her head back and forth between Bella, me, and her hands. Bella squinted into the sun, which I didn't notice was directly behind me. She already had me lost and the only thing she did so far was make her hair dance, but that was enough for me to realize I forgot what I was here for. I straightened my back and moved to the side, thinking that all she saw of me was a halo of my body against the backdrop of the morning sun. It felt wrong that I wanted her to look at me but she did and I never expected to see her travel her eyes up and down me. I did the same to her because I knew I could since I still had my shades on and she wouldn't catch me. It was totally chauvinistic of me to be eying her up the way I was, but she was doing the same to me, so game on Ms. Ogler. I didn't have shame in checking her out. I felt like it was my right to do, to size up my homework so to speak. She was going to teach me many lessons on restraint this trip, but no one said I couldn't enjoy the views as I went.

Bella wore the easiest of clothes but they tempted me to smile which I couldn't afford to do. Her shirt was tight to her chest and black. It had the words, 'Property of Forks PD' across her breasts. I'm sure it was Charlie's shirt because I had one or two just like it. I couldn't pass up the irony that she was wearing a shirt, which in opening told the world she was the property of Forks PD and I was of course a member. So in sense, she was my property. She was mine and she choose to wear it today of all days. Her jeans were nothing short of spectacular, because nothing fit her like low-rise denim. She owned it and it owned me. The bubbles in my stomach started to rise because right now with her body facing towards me, made me want to walk to her and pick her up to swing her around. It was there, that pull that I was so used to feeling when I saw Bella. I felt it as strong as ever. No matter what she was wearing or how she looked wearing it, I couldn't deny the pull that I always felt around Bella. I felt my body want to move itself forward, as if I had one end of a rope tied to my waist and the other wrapped around Bella. My feet inched forward, but I saved myself before anyone knew I moved at all. My feet just mocked me and moved again, they laughed at me while I was frantically trying to keep them still. Even if my feet wanted to dart themselves out and carry me to Bella, the whole rest of my body remained still and tranquil.

I almost got the nerve to turn around, but I stopped myself from moving because she wouldn't let me and I didn't want to. The power of her locked gaze proved to be too much and I had to look down. I studied the concrete and the swirls of hardness under my shoes. I was losing it. I felt it happening and my head started to ache again.

Mantra. Jess.

I shuffled my feet trying to make my mind think of something else.

Mantra. Jess.

The phone in my pocket burned my thigh through my jeans. It vibrated. I ignored it.

Mantra.

Then I reminded myself what my reflection told me. _"You're a pussy."_

Mantra and man up.

My eyes lead their way back up to where her brilliant ones shone on me. I took off my sunglasses since they were dulling my perception. I slowly allowed myself a minute to figure if she was staring at me because she was mad at me or that she was feeling the same thing I was.

Total mind fucking confusion.

Mantra.

She floated to me. It seemed that way because I never saw her take a step, it was as if she was using her magical fucking powers of seduction and one trick was complete gracefulness. But she was there in front of me before I even realized to stop her or step back. Her closeness was burning my chest and she was so incredibly calm as she looked up to greet my eyes. At that instant, I was her prisoner and the phone in my pocket went cold. Looking down on her and seeing no remorse in her eyes made my lips start to move. I felt my mouth curl up and felt relieved she did the same in return.

I didn't need the mantra right now. I had hope all of a sudden. That little smile she shared with me was completely innocent. I felt in control for the first time in forever. It felt fucking good. It made me feel like being this close to Bella was something I could handle. I could live this close to her and be Edward again. The trip took on a whole other meaning now. Not just to will her out of my head and do a favor for a dying man; this trip was now my savior. It was my walk into the river for baptism and my complete renewal of strength because I could be Edward again in her presence and not feel guilty I was letting the memory of my parents down, but the burning chest thing was still there and I couldn't ignore it. Even if I felt like I was in control at this second I had to remind myself that I couldn't get lost in her beauty and smell again.

Then she did it. She had to go there. She had to touch me.

Mantra.

Bella reached up and took my cap off my head. With that gesture, her breasts brushed up on my chest and that one small move made my body respond to her before my mind could process it. It was intimate and arousing. My breath hitched and I smelled her for the first time. I let it seep into my pours, vanilla and strawberries and nostalgia. Then with further torture, she followed by gently whisking her fingertips along my jaw line and I let it tense under her touch. We both felt it, I know because I saw her eyes widen when she touched me. The power of it all was too intense to ignore. The magnetism of her touch was going to be my undoing if I didn't get my mind off her.

Mantra. Fuck it's not working! Sing a song, do anything to keep yourself, endure it.

_Raindrops on roses…_

The pull was too strong. I was wrong, and weak.

_Whiskers on kittens…_

I should be pushing her away and telling her 'no' but my voice checked out the minute she opened the door.

_Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens…_

Who was I fooling, being this close to Bella was fucking death and I was knee deep in the grave. How could I think I could run away from these feelings?

_Brown paper packages tied up with string…_

She touched my chin. My body chilled and heated, the first forms of sweat started to bead at my hairline.

_THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS…_

_The Sound of Motherfucking Music_? I knew I shouldn't have let Jess pick out all those fucking musicals. Everyone of those would come back to haunt me, but right now if singing _My Favorite Things _was going to save me from getting my ass handed to me by Bella, then I would belt out _Cabaret_ at the top of my lungs.

I had enough. I skirted my head back just enough for my chin to feel cool again but it didn't take long for my whole face to heat up when I looked back down to Bella to see the rejection I just threw at her, but it didn't escape me that even I was feeling rejected as well. I knew that any touch Bella would give me would be in vain. It was selfish of her to step up to me and I was gullible to let her do it. The calmness was quickly being replaced by something I wasn't entirely ready for. I couldn't really pinpoint what I was feeling right now. I was hopeful that I got out of Bella's grasp and tamed my body's reactions enough that I could focus again, but seeing Bella in front of me, fisting her hands and eyes burning holes into my skin, made this morning very interesting. What had she expected to happen when we saw each other again? I for one didn't expect Bella to start fondling my face, making me almost cave to all promises I made to myself and Jess.

I was ready to just ignore the situation, but looking over Bella's shoulder at Alice, who was now turning green as she reached out to touch Bella's arm, told me that Bella might not have known I was going to be here. I opened my mouth to speak, not really knowing what I was going to say, but Bella cut me off before I could get a word out.

"You!" Her first word to me was low and demeaning; she couldn't even use my name. She stepped back to me again, standing tall, and I swear the wind caught just at the right time because I was surrounded by vanilla and strawberries, making my mind dizzy. Closing my eyes for a split second, I straightened my head out, strengthening my nerve. When I opened my eyes, she was right there, closer than before when she touched me. The pull was still present and I felt my body betray me in every way, but I had to keep my resolve intact.

"Do you think I want to do this?" I asked back, raising my voice a little too much. I wanted her to know that this wasn't my choice; I was dragged into this mess by guilt and fucking association.

"What the hell are you doing here, Edward? Trying to get a free lay again? Well you came to the wrong place, bud!" I can't believe she just asked me if I was here just to try to fuck her! Being as close to me as she was, I really didn't know how to answer. My body wanted to scream, 'Hell yes!' but of course my mind was whispering 'mantra' over and over. I had to laugh though to keep myself from attacking her lips, which looked so mouth watering with spite and anger. I focused on her pout and how her upper lip quivered into a snarl when she yelled at me. My body heat and hers were starting to cross over to each other and I felt more pull then I ever had.

But laughing at her stupid allegation was the only thing that I could do to keep my own sanity. Bella fell back, but I wasn't going to let her get away from here without her knowing that there was no way this trip was going to be anything but platonic. So I did the only thing my fucked up brain could think of; I insulted her.

"You think I would come all the way here just to get fucked?" I sneered back into her face, moving impossibly closer. "You got a funny mind little girl if you think I want any of what you have under there anymore." I snapped the thin cloth coving her shoulder and continued to glare down my nose at her.

This just pissed her off more as she blew in my face. I had to brace myself against the doorframe until the smell of her was clear from breathable air. She looked triumphed and egotistical when she saw how I reacted to just the air around us.

"Where's Emmett?" she demanded, pushing me in the chest. I was surprised that she let my insult slide, but was quickly distracted by her question.

"Where's Emmett?" I repeated confused. "Why would Emmett be here?" I straightened my jacket and put my sunglasses back on before taking a drink from my cold coffee. Bella didn't need to see my confusion; I needed to play this cool for the sake of my own fucking dignity.

"Emmett is not coming, is he?" she asked, fear and anger seeping into her tone as she looked back to Alice.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, starting to get pissed off. What did Emmett have anything to do with this whole fucking thing? "Emmett is at home taking care of Charlie while I'm here. That was the plan," I yelled, dropping my bag.

Bella's mouth fell open as she pointed at the bag I just dropped at my feet. As she openly gaped at it, everything seemed to click. Before I could thoroughly put two and two together, Bella was asking me why I was here again, but this time she was pleading with me in clenched frustration. I knew I couldn't answer her simple question because I was still reassuring myself of my real reasons as well. Bella didn't trust me and I didn't want her not to trust Charlie either since this was his whole idea to begin with. He obviously didn't tell her on purpose and I knew now it was in dire hopes of getting us to reconcile. In the corner of my mind that's what I thought all along, but I was too stubborn to think more of myself and what I would get of this trip than to think that Charlie just wanted to see his little girl happy again. But throwing us together in a shitty moving van wouldn't guarantee Bella and I to forgive and forget five years of pain and stupidity.

Shaking my head, I realized that Bella was talking to me, but I wasn't listening to a word she said. I drowned her out to figure my own way around this cluster that Charlie was trying to repair. He didn't even ask either one of us if this was something we both wanted to begin with. Just looking at Bella with her fucking ironic t-shirt and sexy poured into jeans, her face glistened in the sun as she was right under me again. Her chest heaved and I felt mine pound in return. Her forehead crinkled and I watched her mouth hang slightly open as her tongue played against her teeth. I was so fucked.

"Tell me," she said, holding her head up and raising an eyebrow.

I glanced back at Alice and gave up on the fight. I wasn't going to argue why I was here. I made a promise and she was the one who had to get used to it.

"Charlie didn't tell her he sent me here?" I peered at Alice, knowing I was asking the question I knew the answer to, but I had to placate Bella. "She didn't know, did she?" I shook my head because I would most definitely have to have a talk with Charlie when he got out of treatment today. "Fucking old man," I said sarcastically.

"I need to talk to my dad, now," Bella whispered through clenched teeth, walking backwards into Alice.

_Good that makes two of us. _

She almost fell into the door as Alice looked back to me. Alice was still pea soup green but she managed to forced a thin smile as I quietly said, "Good luck." She then followed Bella inside closing the door behind her, leaving me there by myself looking at the splinters of wood again, like I did when I arrived.

I turned around and gathered up my duffle to my shoulder and closed my eyes into the sun. Walking over to the U-Haul at the curb, I gave it a little shake, testing its sturdiness, and felt relieved the hitch didn't fall off the back that was connected to Bella's car. Taking off my leather coat and rearranging my knit hat to cover my wayward hair, I lowered myself to sit on the bumper of the moving truck to wait.

I might have been more easily adjusted to the recent turn of events and the complete lies by Charlie, and now it seemed Alice was in it too, but I knew Bella was justified in having whatever kind of mini-meltdown she was surly having inside. So this is what I would do, I would wait until she calmed down; she had to come out again eventually to tell me to go home or hop in.

This is what I did with Bella. I waited my whole life for her and I was going to keep on waiting right here like an fucking coward.

Reaching into my pocket, I took out my phone to check the time. I had one missed call. It was Jess but she didn't leave me a message. I decided to text her.

_Y R days like these always so sunny?_

_Jess:Because he's reminding you to wake up._

_Who?_

_Jess:URself._

_UR fucking insightful_

_Jess:Don't make me beg_

_I won't_

_Jess:Come home to me_

_Waiting on B_

_Jess:Don't wait for her forever._

I tried calling her but it went straight to voicemail. Even her text messages never said. 'goodbye'.

Seeing Jess again on my phone's wallpaper gave me a chill that I was able to resist Bella in some degree today. She made it hard smelling all kinds of fantastic and touching me carefully with her long fingers, but I did it, I stuck to my guns. Mantra or not, I felt for the first time that I could make it through this trip okay.

But I couldn't jinx myself yet.

I still had to wait and I would sit here as long as it took Alice to convince Bella to come, which I knew she was doing right now.

My phone told me it was 9:27am.

And so I waited......

Minute one.

**A/N This Chapter is going out to all the Aussies! I got a surge of new alerts/faves/reviews from you lovelies down under and I wanted to shout out to you all! G'DAY!**

**Leave me sugar**


	10. Doing A Girl A Favor

**A/N**

**I would like to thank MissAlex, (Rebel without a Cause) for basically co-authoring this chapter and being an amazing guest beta when Annabella Laurie had to work and I wanted to get this in before I went out of town. Sam, I heart you!! I was a muddled mess when I wrote this and Alex helped complete me. So thank you so much for being my Hagan to my Das! **

**I'm a beta to a new fic called To Serve and Protect by Akeim. One word, Deputyward!**

**S Meyer's owns.**

Chapter 10-Doing a Girl a Favor

_**Alice**_

I think I'm going to throw up. I mean it. I really think I'm going to upchuck, blow chunks, hurl and spew the contents of my stomach, right here, in this living room, on my mother's fifty-year old Persian carpet that she gave me as a housewarming present. I have never, in my life, been this nervous before. But it was my own stupid fault because I readily agreed to do this when Charlie called me last week asking me for help. Stupid.

"_Charlie, I could just kiss you!" I screeched into the phone. _

"_Really Alice, I just want to see my baby girl happy again. I know she's content with Jake but that light she used to have – that spark that used to be in her eyes – it's gone and I feel that I'm to blame for it. If I hadn't driven her mother away, maybe Bella wouldn't have gotten all those ideas in her head and.....well Edward might...he might of turned out differently." Charlie's voice trailed off and I felt bad for him. The guilt in his tone was pretty obvious._

"_I'm not trying to get them back together," he continued. "I only want them to face their problems head on and with my illness, I don't think I'm going to be around long enough or have the strength to help them do that once they get back. They are my only children and I need to see them happy before I go. This might be a long shot but it's the only thing I can think of. Will you help me? Just play along with it and maybe nudge her when she needs a little nudging…"_

_There was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to help him._

"_Sure!_ _Don't worry_, y_ou can count on me, Charlie," I promised. I heard him laugh quietly, happy that his plan actually had a hope in working out okay. _

Charlie's plan of getting those two knuckleheads together again got me pretty excited because it meant that finally, I would be a free woman. For the past four and a half years, I had been living a lie, so to speak. Granted, they were the best four and a half years of my life, but our relationship lacked the legitimacy that I wanted. After I hung up with Charlie, I called Jasper right away and told him that finally a silver lining was forming on our ill-fated love cloud.

We figured if Edward and Bella got through this trip unscathed then maybe they would be healed enough to understand and accept Jasper and I as a couple. Our love started at such an unhappy point in their lives and we'd felt guilty about that ever since. But really, why should we feel guilty? We didn't do anything wrong. We just fell in love.

The problem was that our best friends turned into mortal enemies just as we got together and Jasper and I knew that eventually fights would break out, lines would be crossed, words would be said, and ultimatums would be set and quite frankly, we didn't want all that stuff to put a strain on our relationship. I didn't want to lose Jasper just because our two closest friends couldn't stand to be in the same room together. So I figured if Jasper and I kept our relationship a secret it would have a better chance at surviving. But now, with Charlie's plan, there was a chance that Edward and Bella could resolve their issues, which meant that Jasper and I would no longer be forced to take sides. We could just all be friends and exist harmoniously.

Jasper heard the news of Bella and Jake's engagement as soon as I found out, but when I talked to him a week ago, I had to tell him to play dumb with Edward because he still didn't know. I was just about to tell him about their impending road trip, but he informed me that he already knew about it because Edward had confided in him that morning. He was about to call me, but I beat him to the punch.

We badly needed Edward and Bella to go on this trip together, that much was sure, so we devised a plan. A simple plan of action. No matter what, we had to get Bella in that moving van with Edward whether she liked it or not. I knew it would be tough and that meant playing dirty. And I was all about playing dirty.

Plan A: Hold a massive Pink Party to get Bella liquored up and loosened up. Also, buy her a Margaritaville Margarita machine as a sort of bribe. Okay, not 'sort of' – it _was_ a bribe. She was going to get snowballed when Edward showed up on her doorstep and I had to do something to butter her up before then. That way if she turned on me, I would have something to remind her of how much of a great friend I was.

Plan B: Get Edward thinking that he needs to go on this trip. Jasper told him he needed to get it done in order to get the old Edward back. We both new how sad Edward was lately so we figured he would like that idea. A little push was all Edward needed at that point. Jaz saw those wheels turning in Edward's head so he didn't need to do much more than that.

Plan C: Try to get Jessica Stanley out of the picture. I nearly fainted when Jasper told me Edward was seeing her again. Not good. As of late, we were still working on the Jess problem.

Off shoot Plan D: Tell Bella about Jake. Seeing him acting very boyfriend-like with that girl last night really threw a monkey wrench into everything. Jasper wanted to stop the whole plan then, thinking that we were now getting too involved in Bella's life and that this was no longer our problem, but I convinced him that maybe if Bella knew the brutal truth she might face her own truth – and of course, getting into the moving van with Edward, which was our ultimate goal.

Truthfully, the main reason for all of this chaos was to be able to 'out' Jasper and I to the public. I didn't want to hide my love for him anymore. It may sound selfish, but believe me when I say that I was also doing this for Bella's benefit. This trip would be the perfect opportunity for her and Edward to get all of their issues out into the open. And quite frankly, anything that got her away from Jake, was a blessing in my books. Edward was much better for her than Jake anyway, so if something more than friendship developed out of this road trip, that would also benefit Bella. See, I told you I'm not selfish.

However, right now, just as I was on the cusp of telling Bella everything, I couldn't help but think of going back outside, pushing Edward into the van and taking off without her.

Let's face it - Bella Swan was one scary bitch when she thought she had to defend herself. But I must give her credit - she really did take seeing Edward better than I thought she would. She was much calmer than I figured she'd be. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that her reaction scared me even more than if she'd completely blew her top. This led me to believe that the inner she-devil I knew existed in her, was hiding beneath the surface, getting ready to pop out when we least expected it.

I wanted to crawl under a very heavy rock the moment Edward whispered, "Good luck" to me just before I followed Bella back into the apartment. This was not how I figured the morning would turn out. I didn't think it was going to be all roses and sunshine, but I didn't expect this. However no matter what happened now, I knew this all had to be done.

Normally, I was not the type of girl that kept things shut in like I had been. I wanted to shout from the roof tops that I, Alice Brandon, was in love with the most gracious, selfless, loving human being on the planet. He was the man of my dreams and the one I was going to marry. Well, I would definitely say 'yes' if he asked me. If I got everything off my chest now and out on the table, there would be no stopping us. No more secrets. Well, okay, one more: Jaz looked way hot in boxers. But that was just my own peep show which no one else was allowed to witness. That secret was still all mine.

Right now, I was prepared for anything. Sure, Bella hadn't thrown a punch at me or tried to strangle me, but as I looked at her now as she darted back and forth looking for her phone that she wasn't going to find, I felt bile rise up into my esophagus. I swear if I looked at myself in a mirror, I would just cringe at my appearance. It was simply unacceptable for me to look anything but exquisite, but I knew that I didn't quite look that way now.

Unfortunately, my usual daintiness hadn't seemed to have rubbed off on Bella, considering the fact that the look she had on her face at this moment scared the poop out of me as she continued to look around the room. Her scowl reflected that of determination and an underlying unhappiness, but it was when she mumbled under her breath that she sounded downright demoniac.

I couldn't make out what exactly what she was saying - or chanting, for use of a better word - but it sounded murderous. I didn't think I really wanted to know what she was saying considering it was probably meant for me or Charlie, but since I was the only one in the room I knew I had to be the one to take the brunt of Bella's abuse. I was ready and I deserved it. I felt guilty as I watched her, knowing that her search was in vain.

I knew I shouldn't have done it, but the deed was done and the results permanent. I had no choice but to do it. There was no other way in my mind to get Bella not to talk to Charlie this morning so I did the first thing that came to mind.

I sent her cell phone to swim with the fishes.

Well, actually, I _accidentally_ let it fall into the kitchen sink when it was full of dirty water. When I say accidentally, I totally mean on purpose, but for her sake and for my own safety, it will remain an accident until the day I die. My goal was to die at a very old age looking absolutely exquisite, not today, looking terrible, and by the hand of Bella Swan. If she talked to Charlie this morning before I got to her - or even Jake for that matter, then everything that Charlie, Jasper and myself had planned would've been shot to hell.

Then Bella would, just out of spite, not go with Edward, and nothing would be resolved. Also, she wouldn't be supportive of me when she found out that I was really moving to Forks to be with Jasper, instead of moving to Portland by myself.

It was a spur of the moment decision for Jasper and I, and when Charlie called last week with his plan, it seemed the cards were finally starting to line up for us. It was perfect timing.

Currently, Jasper was in Forks looking for a place we could rent and I was here, trying to get my hands on a job to sustain me until my party planning business took off. Nether one of us knew how to tell Edward or Bella. Right now this tidbit of information would have to remain a secret. I know I said no more secrets, but for now, there had to be just one more. I figured that admitting our relationship to Bella today, plus tell her about Jake, would be enough to get her into that moving van, so the truth that me and Jasper were moving to Forks, could be revealed_ after_ the road trip.

If this trip never happened for Edward and Bella, they would feel even more betrayed when they found out, but if they were happy when they come out of it, then maybe they would be happy for us and it would cushion the blow.

'Baby steps' is what I told myself; I was taking baby steps. Once again, I reminded myself that if Bella got a hold of her cell phone right now, it would make it harder for me to convince her to go with Edward. I had to make sure there was no way she could contact Charlie or Jake before I talked to her.

A breeze blew through my hair as Bella raced past me out of the room. Quickly, I snapped out of my haze of mental mind scramble and followed her as she moved around the room. Her movements were robotic and I found that my own body felt just as stiff and awkward as I followed her. She was like a zombie, just drifting from here to there. She was immersed in her own thoughts and I had to know what she was thinking before I went nuts.

"Bella…." My voice was barely a whisper, but I managed to croak out her name loud enough for her to hear me. Or so I thought.

She paid no attention to me as she frantically searched the kitchen counter, sifting through junk mail and looking in every nook and cranny. As I watched her, I contemplated how I would start this conversation.

For one, I had to convince Bella to take this trip with Edward. Two; I had to confess to her that Jasper and I were together and in love, and three; I had to tell her about Jake. I held all the information in my hands that would seemingly change the course of her life and I really felt like throwing up just thinking about it. Maybe she knew this was coming. Maybe her stiffness was her defense against what she knew was about to happen. I watched as she still searched through everything around her and threw things around like a hot potato.

"Bella, can we please talk?" I asked. But my voice was shakier than I had intended probably because I knew that deep down, I really didn't want to be having this conversation with her. She shot a look in my direction which basically told me, 'Don't mess with me or I will pull your hair out', but I ignored it. I had to do this.

"Please stop looking for your phone and talk to me. This is really important," I pleaded.

Bella slammed down the newspaper she held in her hands and walked briskly into her bedroom. I followed, knowing that it was a good place to trap her. Unless of course she was really mad and wanted to crawl out the window to get away from me.

"Bella, please" I begged while I watched her search the empty room. "Bella," I repeated. But I still received no response from her. Okay, now I was getting frustrated. "Bel-"

"Bella, Bella, Bella! You sound like a broken record!" she interjected with a sneer as she crawled on her hands and knees on the floor of her closet.

"Can we talk, please?" I asked again as I walked up to the closet door. Bella hopped to her feet but made no eye contact with me as she started making her way out of the room. So much for my plan of trapping her. She was flat out ignoring me and being her usual stubborn self.

"FUCK!" I screamed. "Will you just stop for one freakin' minute and listen to me!" My tone was so forceful that I even scared myself. Yay me! Then suddenly, I realized that I'd just said. 'Fuck'. I _never_ say 'fuck'.

Sure, I said 'shit' and 'bitch' all the time, but to say the f-word was a big deal for me. It was one of my most hated words, along with 'cunt', 'hoebag', 'Twitter', 'circus carnies' (okay, that's two words), and 'Walmart'. However, desperate times called for desperate measures and at least it got her attention.

Bella turned on her heel and glared at me. I instantly felt liking hiding, but looking around the empty room, there was nothing around that could possibly shelter me. Her eyes never left mine as she studied my face. She tilted her to the side and squinted, "You just said 'fuck'!"

"Ya, I did, and I will say it again if I have to." I straightened my posture in an attempt to look more intimidating. I tapped my foot and waited. Bella lifted her head and huffed.

"Edward came all this way. What does that mean? Why would he do that?" she asked. Actually, it was more like she demanded to know.

I sucked in a deep breath and tried to explain. "He's here because Charlie asked him. You know Edward would do anything for Charlie…"

"I can guess why _Charlie_ would send Edward, but I still don't understand why _Edward_ would...." She bit her lip and her chin quivered. And just like that, my hard shell broke and fell to the ground.

I walked towards her and held out my hand as some sort of peace offering. She looked at my hand for a minute before sighing and taking it. I folded my hand into hers and we both slid our backs down the wall to sit down on the floor. I stretched my legs out in front of me and inspected my shoes, while Bella brought her knees into her chest. Our hands remained clasped and I realized that her skin was hot to the touch. She was stressed and I couldn't really blame her. We sat for a long time before I finally broke our silence.

"Jas-" But before I could say any more, she interrupted me.

"I don't think I want to hear it, Alice. I've been hit with too much already today." She rested her head against the wall and closed her eyes.

I held my mouth shut for about five seconds before my back bone grew again.

"Tough," I said bluntly, my voice void of all emotion. My back bone was back and strong as steel.

Bella kept her eyes closed as a smirk formed upon her lips. As her eyes fluttered open, I realized she'd given up the fight of ignorance. She moved her free hand to my shoulder which was a good sign.

"Tell me about Jasper, Alice. I want to know everything," she sighed into my arm as I let my head rest against hers. The anger of the morning was forgotten for the moment and we were sisters again. Relief washed over me as I realized that I'd managed to keep my appendages and I still had both my eyes. I wanted to keep it that way so I decided to start off simple.

"Well, Jasper is talented." I said with much conviction.

Bella chuckled and I felt my shoulder shake under her laughter, which made me smile in return.

"Please elaborate, Alice. That statement can be interpreted many ways," she joked as he turned to look at me.

"Well…he is an incredible man. But you know that already. Jasper makes me want to be a better person. He is funny, smart, compassionate, and he knows who he is and what he wants to do with his life. There is never a dull moment when I'm with him, it's like we can communicate without even speaking."

Bella smiled bigger and brought her other hand to rest on our linked hands.

"Plus, he's good in bed." I admitted, giving Bella my best sex face. "He can do wonders with whip cream and his hands...I mean, his mind is full of endless amounts of knowledge."

Bella gave me a light squeeze and we both giggled.

"Alice, you know Jasper is like a brother to me so I really don't need to know about your whip cream fetish."

"Hell, forget whip cream! Have you taken a look at what's outside our door? Edward is better than Cool Whip and Redi-Whip mixed together. He's Hagan Das! Damn! I would lick that! " I nudged her with my shoulder and she rolled her eyes at me.

"I don't know if I should think that's funny or if I should agree with you, Al." She let go of my hand and wrapped her arms around her knees but still rested her tired head on my shoulder. Bella was shielding herself. She was starting to close off again. Any mention of Edward sent her into cocoon mode.

We fell into another uncomfortable silence. We were both thinking too much. I could tell by the way Bella played with the hole in the leg of her jeans and because I was once again, studying my shoes. The quiet engulfed us as Bella continued to rest her head on my shoulder. During our time of silence, I'd determined that I needed to go shopping for a new pair of shoes - maybe ballet flats. Suddenly, I heard soft sniffles beside me, breaking our silence, followed by heavy breathing. I never expected Bella to cry.

"Why did you not tell me, Alice? Why did you not tell me about Jasper? I don't understand," she cried into my arm. I really didn't know where to start to make her feel better, but I knew this day couldn't possibly get worse. Therefore, telling her the truth was the best medicine.

"Bella, it was one of the hardest decisions we've had to make. I know you will never understand, but Jasper and I made the decision a long time ago, not to parade ourselves in front of you and Edward. Looking back on it now, I realize that it might not have been the best thing to do, but you have to understand that when we made our 'pact', it was during your worst time with Edward. Jasper said that Edward couldn't even say your name, so if he knew that one of his best friends was in love with your best friend, how do you think he would have reacted. Do you really think that Jasper and I would have survived? We both knew you two would make us chose sides and at that time, with our relationship so new, I didn't know if Jasper and I would be strong enough to pull through. And you were with Jake not too long afterward, so bringing up Jasper would have caused even more tension, especially considering that you just wanted to move on." It felt good to get that all off my chest after all these years and I let out a sigh of relief.

"It probably would have put a huge strain on your relationship," Bella agreed as she rubbed my arm, comforting me.

"I know it was selfish not telling you, and believe me when I say I _really_ wanted to come clean. I mean, who wouldn't want to shout to their best friend that they are madly in love with the most brilliant fire fighter in Forks history?" Saying that last part out loud made me smile.

"Plus, it was kind of sexy sneaking around." I added. I didn't want Bella to think that I blamed her for having to keep my relationship a secret – it was just uncontrollable circumstances that prevented me from speaking up sooner. "You have no idea how many times you almost caught us. Remember that time when you went with Jake to New Orleans and came back and found a pair of boxers in the bathroom? Well, let's just say they didn't belong to a guy from Sigma Pi like I told you." I gave her knee a slap as I smiled proudly.

I continued to explain. "When you got back, Jasper was still in the apartment, hiding under my bed. I allowed him to come out only after you and Jake went to bed. He wasn't too happy about that," I admitted, laughing at the memory of Jasper waiting for hours under my bed. I had to sneak him food and a plastic bottle so he could pee!

"I can't believe you, Alice! That whole time he was under your bed?! That had to be like four hours or something!"

"It was six and believe me, he was counting!" We both laughed at this.

"I _bet_ he was counting! Poor Jaz!" Bella giggled, before letting the euphoria of her smile fade. "So you love him? You're sure you do?" she asked, looking me directly in the eyes.

"Bella, I loved him before I met him! He's everything to me and I knew it the first time I saw him. It's unexplainable. I can't sum up four and a half years today, but trust me when I say that he's the one for me and I know he feels the same way."

I brushed the hair from my eyes while trying to swallow the lump that had formed in my throat. Up until now, I'd only ever admitted my feelings for Jasper _to_ Jasper, never to anyone else. I couldn't tell my parents or any other friends because I feared it would ruin what we were trying to protect. The less people that knew, the less chance of Bella or Edward finding out. But now that the roadblock seemed to be lifting, it felt amazing not having to worry about getting caught.

"When you met, it was at the funeral for Edward's parents. I never saw it happening. I guess I was too wrapped up in what I was going through to notice. I'm sorry Alice, I was the selfish one. I should have paid more attention to others beside myself. That way I would've recognized it myself and you two wouldn't have had to go through this." She was such a great friend. Even after everything I'd admitted to her, she still didn't blame me. But that didn't mean I was happy that she put the blame on herself instead.

Bella moved to get up and I followed her with my eyes. I still wasn't sure if this was the calm before the storm or if I truly did make her feel a little better with my confessions.

She just stood staring blankly around the room, arms crossed, while she held her mouth tightly shut. I watched as the telltale frown appeared on her face as the sun seeped in through the window. I knew she wanted to talk more but she seemed to be fighting some sort of inner debate. Then I had an idea. I wasn't sure if it was going to work, but I was in desperate need to make Bella feel something other than guilt and sadness right now. No girl deserved to wear the look that Bella wore on her face right now. It caused premature wrinkles and I was going to tell her so.

I got up and went into the living room and knelt down in front of the stereo I got for my twelfth birthday. Every pre-teen girl deserved a boom box. It was a rite of passage. That stereo was one of my most prized possessions and I managed to keep it in pretty good shape. I still used it all the time because I had an extensive collection of CDs that I just couldn't part with, no matter how many songs you could put on an Ipod.

I scanned my collection and found exactly what I was looking for. Opening up the jewel case, I handled the disc with care. This was the collector's edition and I, in no way, wanted it scratched. I placed it in the tray and let it slide in the machine, hoping that this would help cure Bella Swan of the uglies.

I pressed play and turned the volume up to an ear splitting level. As the music boomed from the speakers, I was satisfied with my accomplishment. _Perfect._

I smile to myself and fluffed my hair as I entered Bella's empty bedroom to find her with her mouth hanging open in shook as she shook her head vehemently.

"No Alice, I'm not going to do it!" she shouted over the music

"Yes, you are!" I yelled back.

"I'm leaving, Alice! There is no way in the world you're gonna make me do that stupid dance!"

"Good, go! I don't care. Say hi to Edward on your way out," I shouted while moving my hands around my face rhythmically.

This made Bella stop in her tracks. She'd forgotten all too quickly that Edward was still outside waiting.

"That is low, Al! But I'm still not doing it. It's not going to make me feel any better!"

"Madonna makes everyone feel better! Beyonce too, but Madonna is classic. Now shut up and Vogue!" I yelled at the top of my lungs as I reached for Bella's arms and moved them, vogue style. She felt like a limp noodle but when I started to sing the words to her, I could tell that she was starting to crumble.

"_Greta Garbo, and Monroe, Dietrich and DiMaggio, Marlon Brando, Jimmy Dean, on the cover of a magazine…"_

Bella tried hard not to crack a smile as I danced her around the room. It was hard for me to keep a straight face as I sang happily. This was exactly what we both needed - a release – a way to vent what we'd both built up for the last four and a half years. We were going to sing and dance it out like it was nobody's business. I grabbed Bella by the waist and moved her body around in circles. She let out a surprisingly loud laugh and I felt her body start to move with my hands.

"_Grace Kelly, Harlow, Jean, picture of a beauty queen, Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers, dance on air…"_

I led us into the living room where the music was louder, and instead of voguing, we threw our bodies around and just got everything off our chest. Bella shook her head to the music and I wiggled my hips seductively, doing a terrible impression of a hula girl. We both jumped up and down and I ran around the couch as Bella did a nasty version of the Macarena.

_"They had style, they had grace, Rita Hayworth gave good face, Lauren, Katherine, Lana too, Bette Davis, we love you…"_

By now we are both screaming the lyrics at the tops of our lungs and voguing like Madonna's gay brigade. I felt a rush of excitement run through me because I knew that I was getting to Bella the best way I knew how. I was tired of the seriousness of everything. Dancing and singing like this was the perfect way to get a case of the funk. I knew I couldn't be forgiven for all my lies and deceit, but Bella letting me do this for her was her way of telling me she understood.

"_Ladies with an attitude, Fellows that were in the mood -don't just stand there, let's get to it, strike a pose, there's nothing to it…"_

"_Vogue"_

We both fell hard onto the couch, laughing our heads off as happy tears swam in our eyes. I got up and turned down the stereo. Our breathing was labored. Voguing was good exercise!

"I told you Madonna makes you feel better!" I sat back down next to Bella as we both tried to catch our breath.

"Yes, it does, Al, _temporarily_. But looking at the big picture, it still doesn't change anything. Edward is still outside, Charlie still is a meddling jerk, and I'm still an idiot for making you feel that you had to keep so much of yourself from me for so long."

She sat up straight and took both of my hands. Her eyes widened and I looked at her apologetically.

"Al, never, ever, feel that you have to keep anything as important as your love for Jasper from me, okay? Because no matter what happened between Edward and me, you're still my friend and I support you in everything you do and _anyone _you do." She reached for my shoulders and embraced me in the biggest hug possible.

I hugged her back with all my might because I was truly relived that I told Bella about Jasper. But there was an even bigger thing to discuss. The thought of telling her about Jake suddenly made me want to drink some magic kool-aid from a dirty, Swine Flu infested cup, handed over to me by a SARS infected patient.

But just as I was about to say something, my stereo changed discs and my other favorite singer of all time started singing. Bella released me and I giddily looked at the stereo. Perfect timing for the disc to change!

"Ugh! My ears! Turn it off, Al, it's killing me!" Bella held her hand over her ears as she scrunched up her face, giving me the pout. I rolled my eyes.

"For the last time, Britney Spears does not make your ears bleed! " I argued. "You should listen to this song, it might tell you something." It was the perfect song to listen to right now.

_Stronger_ was my most favorite song by Ms. Spears, with the exception of _You Drive Me Crazy_, _Oops I Did it Again_, and _I'm a Slave for You, _all of which seemed to fit Bella right now. Edward drove her crazy, yet she might do him again, and, um, _I'm a_ _Slave for You_ was just plain hot.

"I'm not Britney and I'm nowhere near as strong like this song mentions."

"You are too, Bella! Just listen." We both sat back on the couch, listening carefully to the words.

_Than I ever thought that I could be, baby_

_I used to go with the flow_

_Didn't really care 'bout me_

_You might think that I can't take it, but you're wrong_

_'Cause now I'm_

_Stronger than yesterday_

_Now it's nothing but my way_

_My loneliness ain't killing me no more_

_I am stronger_

"You see, Bella, you're just like Britney. You're stronger than you think and you're only going to get even more so if you get your ass into that moving truck." I patted her arm as she shot me a worried look and bit her lower lip, immersed in her own thoughts.

"I'm not strong, Alice. Look at me, I'm a wreck. I just found out my father and best friend lied-" She stopped abruptly and looked at me apologetically. "Sorry."

I waved my hand. "I understand, continue."

"My father and best friend lied to me in order to get me to go back to Forks with my ex –boyfriend, who looks unbelievably hot in his cap and glasses…." She smacked her lips looking like she needed a stiff drink.

"I feel like I'm going to let myself down every mile I'm with Edward. Jake would never allow this even if I _wanted_ to go with him. I'm not strong enough Al, there is no way. I wasn't even strong enough to hold onto Edward. I let him push me away. Then, I couldn't resist him when he surprised me on New Years. What good can possibly come of this trip? I need closure but this is not what I had in mind. This is like a tidal wave of closure and I'm going to drown."

"Bella, you _were _strong for Edward. He pushed _you_ away. He pushed everyone away. Jasper told me how bad he was after his parent's funeral. He shut himself off to everyone and it took him a long time to come around to Emmett and Jasper. You were strong enough, don't ever doubt yourself. I've never seen such miscommunication like I've seen between you and Edward. You have to go on this trip and make Edward see the truth. This is your test to see if you really can get over him or not."

Bella moved her hands back to her lap, huffed, and then looked up at me. "This is not how I pictured closure. This was an ambush," she said through clenched teeth.

"Jeez Bella, do you think closure is throwing away every picture you ever owned of Edward?" I asked, calling her out on the discovery I made in her trash can.

She folded her arms across her chest and narrowed her eyes. "Hey, you sneak! Give me a break! I didn't want Jake to see them, okay? Speaking of Jake, I have to call him and tell him what's going on. It's only fair. He's going to be pissed that Edward is here, but I have to tell him."

"How did you think your 'closure' would go when you got back home? Did you think that you and Edward would just sit down in the same room together like two civilized people, and talk things out? Ha! Look at you two outside a while ago. You both couldn't contain your anger and that weird passion thing I saw."

Bella furrowed her brow and opened her mouth to speak but I interrupted, "If you go with Edward now, you can hash out everything on the road. That way there is no tension or anger left when you get home to your dad. You wouldn't want him having to deal with the two of you at your worst, would you? Especially in his current state! Plus, this road trip will allow you to prove to yourself that you're stronger than you think you are. Then after that, if you still want to be with Jake, it will be easier. Besides, Jake will never know that Edward showed up instead of Emmett if you don't tell him." I crossed my arms, satisfied with my statement. However, I was also guarding myself because now that the subject had turned to Jake, I wasn't sure if I had the boobs to tell her about Leah.

"Alice! I have to tell him."

"What Jake doesn't know won't hurt him," I argued as I got up and looked out the window at the moving truck. Edward sat on the back bumper with his head down to his chest. He looked like he was sleeping, but from this distance, I couldn't be sure. I tapped loudly on the window to get his attention and he immediately sat up straight and looked around until he found me waving at him through the glass. He shrugged his shoulders and mouthed to me, "What's going on?" I just smiled and turned back to Bella.

"It's obvious that he wants to get something out of this too and I don't think it's your hooch." At least that's what I was hoping. You never could tell with Edward because he was too passionate for his own good. The last thing Bella needed was Edward throwing her against the wall of another dirty bar. I made it clear to Jasper that he told Edward to keep his dick in his pants.

"Funny, Al!" she said with a roll of her eyes.

"Like I said, Jake will never know." I walked over to the stereo and messed with the controls, shielding my face from Bella because I could feel her glare burning holes into my back. She was getting suspicious as I avoided the discussion of Jake's infidelity.

"What is going on with you and Jake?" she asked. "Why are you so adamant that I keep all this from him? What do you have against him?" Bella stood up and walked to my side, studying my face intently. I thought if I tried hard enough to imagine something else in my head, like Jasper playing with my hair, or getting lost in his game of _Warcraft_, then I could keep her from getting even more suspicious. But as I stood there in silence with her watching me, my conscience gave me shit.

_Suck it up woman! Do this for her, she has to know. She would tell you…_

"There is nothing going with me and Jake per se." I said vaguely as I sized up her reaction. She focused on me even more intently and I knew my expression gave away my true feelings of utter terror. My mouth was dry and I was in desperate need of one of Bella's margaritas, but it wouldn't do us both any good for me to wallow in self pity and booze now.

"Spill it, Al. I know that look and it's a look of guilt. What is wrong with you? Do you have a problem with Jake? I can talk to him, you know. Whatever it is, we can all fix it together." It was important to her for me to get along with Jake. That meant she really cared about him. I couldn't believe I was going to crush her whole world – again. Why did this have to happen to me? I'm a nice girl and nice girls don't ruin people's lives. They bring out the best in people, right? But I had to realize that I wasn't ruining her life. In the long run, I was doing her a favor and once she got over her hurt, she would be happy that I told her. I had to believe that or else there was no way I could tell her the truth right now.

I pulled in a deep breath and fanned myself with my hand. Bella glared at me as I paced back in forth. I didn't know how to start.

Should I say, "Hey Bella, Jake is a massive tool and I caught him sucking face with that bitch." or maybe, "Jake is an effing dweeb because he's lying to you behind your back."

Ah, they both sounded stupid. I'd come to the conclusion that there wasn't a nice, easy way to tell your best friend that her fiancée was not who she thought he was. But I knew Bella wasn't who Jake thought she was either. This was the predicament I found myself in. They were both in the same boat. Neither one should be more mad than the other. Bella cheated on Jake and now Jake cheated on Bella. Both of them deserved to know and I was the only person besides Edward that knew. But for the sake of things, I would only tell Bella about Jake because I needed her to go with Edward. I had no obligation to tell Jake about Edward and Bella's affair.

I looked at Bella and placed my hands on her shoulders, "Sweetie, last night I saw something that I really wasn't meant to see." I closed my eyes because looking at her face was already painful enough. She knew right away what I was going to tell her. I could tell from the blanket of tension that suddenly enveloped the room.

"What did you see?" she asked in a low voice.

"I saw Leah and Jake outside…together…close…touching…too much." I said hesitantly as I brought my hands up to cover my face. Wiping away the mental images I had from last night was going to be futile. They were burned into my memory forever. I just knew that hooker, Leah, was up to no good. She had shifty eyes. You can never trust anyone with shifty eyes.

Although I hid my face from her, after a few moments of silence, I got curious. I peaked through my fingers to look at her and gauge to reaction, to see how well she was handling the news that Jake had touched another girl. I still chided myself for not giving him up fully yet. _Baby steps._

Inadvertently, I was allowing Bella to come up with her own assumptions and if she happened to ask me point black, then I wouldn't deny it. Her mouth hung open and she looked like a statue. I swear I thought she'd stopped breathing.

I figured I had to say a bit more. "I saw him with Leah and it didn't look good." I decided to leave Edward out of it.

Removing my hands completely from my face, I brushed my hand on her arm, "Bella?"

Her mouth snapped shut in an instant and it scared to heck out of me, causing me to jump a couple of inches into the air. To my complete shock, she went from completely void of emotion to fearful and angry in a matter of microseconds.

"When you mean touching? Do you mean like friends, or more than that?" she hissed looking towards the window in Edward's direction.

"Morethan that." I whispered.

"Okay, that's great. I think I'm going to go wash my face and go outside." She jutted her chin towards the window, "He's been waiting for a while and I'm sure he's bored out of his skull."

_Wait, what's going on here?! _"Um…Bel?" I was seriously confused.

Correcting her posture, Bella puffed out her chest and stuck her nose in the air.

"I'm going with Edward. Do you know where my cell phone is, Alice? I can't find it."

_Oh shit! It slipped my mind completely!_

"To tell you the truth…you know, since a lot of truths have come out today..." I chewed on the inside of my cheek as I tried to think of a good way to put it that wouldn't make me seem like the bad guy. _Got it!_ "Um, Jake dropped your phone in the sink and I swear I saw him do it," I lied as I crossed my fingers behind my back.

Bella broke out in a gust of laughter that bordered on hysteria, but I laughed right along with her, playing along, feeling terrible about lying to her. After all, today had been about truths, not lies, and now I'd just broken my own 'truth' streak.

I'd never openly given someone up to the wolves like that before. I had to admit that it felt quite liberating since I knew Jake deserved it. However, my thoughts were conflicted because up until last night, I didn't think he was _that_ bad for her. I mean, he wasn't as good for her as Edward, but still, not _bad_. After everything I'd seen of him from last night, it made me wonder what the hell was going on in his head and why would he be messing around with that skank? It just didn't make any sense.

"Well, that's my luck. It just figures that that is my only way of communicating with him and he destroyed it. Maybe it's a sign…" I just nodded and gave a weak, fake smile.

"I'm sure Edward has all the numbers you need to get you home. And I can cover with Jake," I offered.

She nodded slowly and left for the bathroom. I hurried towards the front door, wanting to talk to Edward before she emerged.

However, Edward was nowhere to be found. I looked down the street to see if that ugly car was still here and it was. It looked like he had moved it up closer to the apartment. Also, I noticed that the rear view mirror was missing. _Strange, it was there last night._ I sighed. _Oh well, at least he's still here._

"Minute one hundred and thirteen." A voice spoke up behind me. I turned around and found Edward sitting under the living room window.

"What?"

"I've been counting. One hundred and thirteen minutes so far. I was beginning to think that you two were going to start your own Janet Reno Dance Party." He winked at me as I rolled my eyes.

"We needed to vent."

"Oh, is that what you call _that_?" he smirked.

"Why are you sitting on the ground under the window?" I asked, looking him over. He looked more tired than he did an hour a half ago when he arrived. "You look terrible, are you out of your liquid upper?" I smirked right back.

"Caffeine just doesn't do it for me anymore. I just drink it out of habit now. These day, I'm running on trace amounts of cocaine and half a speedball that I took from evidence," he joked. "Anyway, I'm sitting here because I could hear better," he smiled knowingly, looking unbearably cute with his hat on his head and his jacket draped over one shoulder. I really didn't know how Bella was going to make it through the trip if Edward made _me_ all hot and bothered with just a simple smile.

"So I guess you heard that I told her about Jake?"

"Loud and clear," he beamed.

"She doesn't know we both saw Jake so let her tell you on her own if she wants to. She's a little weirded out right now." I put my hand on my hip and eased my way back towards the front door.

"Ha! Aren't we all weirded out? I'm just as put off as she is. She's not the only person who was lied to." He focused his eyes mine as he got up from the ground and brushed off his pants.

He reached into his pocket and took out his keys, "Here, take these," he instructed. "The rental car jackoffs will be here in an hour to pick up the car."

I reached out and took the keys, feeling the hard, cold metal in my palm. "I'm sure you'll miss that beautiful piece of machinery," I smirked as I looked over at the car.

"Is the review mirror missing? I mean, it _was_ there last night, right?" I asked, looking back at Edward warily.

"Um, ya, it was there last night. I tore it down earlier." He looked around, visibly embarrassed.

"Why would you do that?"

"Retaliation," he stated matter-of-factly. Just as I was about to inquire further, Bella rushed out of the door with her face freshly scrubbed, carrying her own duffle bag and suitcase.

"Alice, we're leaving." She gave Edward a nod. "You have Edward's number in case something happens. I mean it, if _anything_ happens, call him, no matter what time it is."

"Hey, what the hell? Use your own phone!" Edward grunted as he fisted his phone in his hand, protecting it.

"Just shut up and get in before I change my mind," she sneered at him.

Bella stood in front of me, with red rimmed eyes and pulled me into a hug so strong that I almost felt my eyes pop out of my head. But I didn't care because it was a genuine hug and I knew things would be okay between us. It was forgiveness and appreciation all wrapped into one and she let me know in her own way without using any words, that our friendship meant more to her than anything.

I gave back just as much as she gave me, letting her know that I felt the same way. She released me and backed up, holding her duffle bag on her shoulder. Her suitcase was at her feet. Edward came up next to me and carefully planted a kiss on my cheek.

It lingered there for a moment after his removed his lips from my skin, as I watched him take her bags. She gave them up begrudgingly as she looked over her shoulder and waved at me. I watched as Bella got into the passenger seat and Edward into the driver's seat.

The engine roared to life and I saw the dark smoke from the exhaust penetrate the air. Edward released the brake and I heard the pop of the gear shift, then they accelerated down the street.

I watched as they disappeared from sight and I let out a deep sigh. I didn't get to say everything I wanted to today, but I'd done pretty well. There was still the fact that Bella and Edward didn't know I was moving to Forks to be with Jasper.

But I couldn't worry about that now. Currently, all I could do was hope that Edward and Bella would get everything out into the open during their trip so they could be happy and Jasper and I could share our moving in together with them, without it causing a rift between the four of us. I wasn't lying when I said that I had a feeling about those two. Things were going to change for them and whether it was for bad or good, I knew in the end, that I'd done my best for Bella.

As I told Jasper, I was doing a girl a favor.

**A/N **

**And so the trip officially begins!! WOOT!! Tell me what you think. Did you like APOV? Tell me to keep writing her because I want too...LOL! **

**Special thanks to MissAlex, Punkfarie, Vamp-sessed, LittleLea05 and L is a Dreamer for being my coolest buds and Bfff'ers. Also three-barrels aka Lindsay made me a new banner in my profile, check it out along with a link to a new FB page that MissAlex and I created and admin, called The Official BFFF'ers of Twlight Fanfiction, it's a great place that ficsters gather and talk all things FF. We have teasers for stories, Robobession, fic rec's, gossip and much more. We're nice, you'll like us. **

**I would like to rec two fics,**

**A Constant in the Darkness by Camoozle and The Fallen Swan by SallyJupiter. **

**Both are very worth fics you should check out and I'm sure love. **

**So who's hopping in the back of the truck with me and going on this road trip? Review and I'll let you come along!**


	11. The First Mile is the Hardest

**A/N Thank you for all of your wonderful reviews! Sorry it took so long between updates. I went on my own road trip and honest to god saw a U-Haul pulling a teal car! No joke! Other then that, I have been pretty lazy and oh ya, being a working mother! LOL! **

**I would love to thank MissAlex (author of Rebel Without A Cause) for being my best BFFF and now my official VIP of Content Mastery! I'm printing out business cards since we are- in our own small world- a pretty big deal. LOL! Really, Alex you help me out so much and I heart you back!! Also my dear, it's Tuesday are we serious about Tuesday night calling sessions? LOL!! I'm game:)**

**Alex and I also started a One-Shot Lurkers Challenge Contest and would love for you all to join us. Details are in my profile. Deadline is August 15th. **

**www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5221183/1/MissAlexs_and_Larin20s_OneShot_Lurkers_Challenge**

**And as always come and join us on our Facebook page, The Official BFFF'ers of Twilight Fanfiction. Link also in profile. We love it and gladly welcome anyone with open arms. **

**Also much thanks to Annabella Laurie for being a cool beta!!**

**SMEYER owns all of this**

Chapter 11-The First Mile is the Longest

We made it all the way to the stop sign a few houses down my street before the utter doom of silence was too much for me to bear. As the truck rolled to a stop, I felt defeated and at a loss of control over my own life. The dilapidated moving truck started moving again and I settled into my seat, aware of the invisible line that divided us not only physically, but emotionally as well. It was a line that I most certainly was not going to cross. I sighed, feeling absolutely defeated.

_How in the world did this happen to me?_

Right now, I was so out of my element. I didn't know if I should kick back and relax; putting my feet up on the dash like I'm used to, or just cower at the edge of the seat while trying to avoid all eye contact with the all too hot ex-boyfriend to my left.

Trying to distract myself, I crossed my arms over my chest and surveyed the inside of the cab. I really could've picked a nicer truck, but I was tight on funds and thought that it would be fun to rough it. Now that I had time to think about it, I wished I'd picked a newer model because I really wanted a decent radio to drown out the insane quiet that surrounded me.

Good thing I had my iPod. I was about to reach in my bag and grab it when I realized that it would probably be rude and would seem like I was trying to ignore him. Sure, it was awkward in here, but I didn't want to give him a reason to be even angrier with me. That and I was too afraid to actually move and draw attention to myself, but the silence was getting to be too much so I decided to break the silence first, just to see how Edward responded. If it goes badly, then iPod it is.

"So…?" I began, having no idea what to say to him.

He shot me a cautious look before turning onto the main road, seemingly confused by my attempt to start a conversation with him.

"So...?" he repeated, only slower. How is it possible that he looks so good driving this piece of crap truck. _Snap out of it!_

"Yea… so?" I clucked my tongue at the top of mouth filling the cab with my stupid mouth noises. I felt a wave of embarrassment sweep over me as my mind was drawing blanks. I was speechless. Edward was making me speechless.

Edward glanced my direction, then re-situated himself in his spot. He forced an over dramatic sigh and turned to look at the road again.

Rolling my eyes, I uncrossed my arms. This wasn't getting me anywhere. Maybe I could just ask him about Charlie. I internally was kicking myself in the shins for forgetting to call him when I was at home. It was my main purpose before I broke down in front of Alice. Now talking about Charlie might be a good way to get the conversation rolling because it's a mutual, yet neutral topic for us to discuss. I had no idea what Edward was doing these days and had no clue if he liked the same things he used to, so having a general conversation about movies or music would have to wait until I felt out his personality some more. It'd been five years and people changed a lot in that amount of time. I know I had.

Even though I was very upset with my father, I had to know what Edward thought of his condition when he left. I talked to my dad the day before and he said he was fine, but Charlie had always been good at putting up a front and masking his feelings so I didn't really know for sure how he was doing. I used to be good at seeing through his facade, but it's a lot harder to do over the phone. He never wanted to trouble me even though he knew very well that he could never be a bother to me.

"How was my dad when you left? Did you see him?" I asked.

Edward shifted in his seat and scrunched up his eyes. "Yeah, I saw him. He drove me to the airport."

I let out a laugh. "Ha! He took you to the airport? I guess he was feeling fine then."

I felt totally annoyed. Not only was my father pushing Edward on me, but it seemed that he was pushing Edward too. My father hadn't driven much in the last couple of months so for him to take Edward to the airport, told me he felt a lot better. It made me feel good to know that he was capable of doing that and it was amusing that Edward let Charlie take him. Knowing Charlie, I was sure that they drove the cruiser.

"Cruiser or truck?" I asked, just for the fun of it. I knew without a doubt that Edward would never take my old, beat-up Chevy.

"Ugh! Do you even have to ask?" he smirked and groaned at the same time. "I thought you knew me better than that." he laughed lightly, "We drove the cruiser. He wouldn't let the station take it back. Besides, he wouldn't sit his ass in my car. He called my car a foreign death trap or some crap." He seemed to remember Charlie's glib remark with fondness as he shared with me a small smile even if it was just for a minute. That little moment brought me back to the old Edward I remembered from what was so long ago now. It felt like home.

I remember how Charlie told me about Edward buying a Volvo after his parents died. His parents left him with more than enough money that Edward could live very comfortably for the rest of his life. It still gave me the chills to think about his parents. I missed them. Edward still had the remnants of the smile he just shared and his eyes for the first time today seemed bright. I was thankful that he had kept his sunglasses off so I could catch glimpses of his vibrant green eyes. They were the one thing that never changed about him. His clothes, his shoes, his hair all changed, but I knew my Edward by his eyes. They told me everything. But he just as quickly as he shared that tender moment- it was gone; replaced by his hard pressed lips and menacing scowl.

I composed myself and chuckled. "Sounds like something Charlie would say." I paused. "Should I even ask what he said in order to get you here? What lies did he tell you?" I was still trying not to look over at his side of the cab. I didn't trust myself, but I could make out his movement close enough.

Edward rubbed his hand on the back of his neck. He seemed to be choosing his words carefully before speaking again. He finally grunted and propped his elbow on the door, steering with only one hand.

"Charlie never lied to get me here. He told me what I needed to hear, I guess." He glanced over at me as I crossed my legs. I noticed his gaze hovered on my legs for a bit longer than normal. I cleared my throat and his eyes shot up to my face. He looked bashful. _Busted._ He had both hands on the wheel now and he seemed more edgy than before. He was gripping it for dear life. His face looked like he just bit the most sour lemon and his forehead creased so deep I swear it would leave a lasting mark. He looked pained and in a way, I didn't mind it because he was checking me out.

_Wait__, shut up Bella! You don't want him to check you out. Or do I?_

He cleared me of my thoughts, speaking again, he voice more gravelly.

"The only thing he left out was that you didn't know I was coming," he mumbled, reaching between his legs and touching what looked like his phone. He hid it and I was curious to know why he guarded it so closely. I remembered how he snapped at me when I mentioned using his phone earlier in front of Alice. I didn't forget the more cavalier attitude he just displayed as he now looked stiff and refined. This made me wonder what he was hiding. I had a gut feeling there was something he didn't want me to know. So, what better way to find out than to see if I can make him squirm.

"Edward, if you don't mind can I use your phone to call Charlie? Mine phone had an unexpected drip down the sink." I asked while I watched his hand squeeze the phone in between his legs. I arched my eyebrow at him and waited for his response. My trickery might work.

Edward guffawed and handled his phone more before speaking. "I can't... it's ahh… out of juice right now. I forgot my car charger and only have my wall charger." He was lying through his teeth and I could tell since his ears turned bright red. It was his dead giveaway. _Busted again! _He knew he could never keep anything from me, I read him too well and it looks like things never changed.

I eyed his phone closely and noticed it looked a lot like my now drowned phone. "Your phone looks a lot like mine." I told him. "I have my charger in my bag, not that it would be much use until now." I began to reach behind me to locate my duffle bag when I heard Edward huff and mumble something I didn't quite catch. I looked over my shoulder before picking through my bag.

"Why can't you wait until we pull over at a truck stop or something?" He spouted quickly, holding his phone tighter against his leg.

"What's wrong with using your phone?" I chided, knowing that I was pushing more buttons._ If he didn't want me to use his phone, he could have just said so_.

"There is nothing wrong with my phone, but if we need it for an emergency I don't need you draining all the battery, gabbing to your old man or your douche... I mean your fiancé." Edward stammered as he pulled down the sun visors, shielding his eyes from the now invasive sun.

I felt my mouth drop open ready to come back with some witty retort, but I was still falling short on any. "Quit calling him a douche." I say, then I just realized he said, 'fiancé' instead of 'boyfriend'. _He knew. _I haven't told anyone at home. I wasn't ready too yet.

"Fine, your fiancé." he reasoned.

Is this why Edward is here, because of my engagement? Was this jealously? Was he going to try to repeat New Years? Was this going to drive me crazy wondering? _Yes!_

"Charlie told you we're engaged?" I recanted quietly. Edward continued to stare into the distance in front of us while steering with his knee. He took his sunglasses that were hanging on the neck of his shirt and carefully unfolded the arms to place them on his face. He whisked back a few stray chunks of reddish brown hair before he ran his hand the full length of his head, rubbing the back of his scalp.

"Yes, he told me last week when I took him out on the boat. " He stopped his palpitating circles.

"Oh."

"Anyway, Congratulations." He whispered pressing his lips in a hard line.

"Thanks." I said back almost just as silently as he did. This part of my life was not something I wanted to delve into with him, at least not yet. I didn't know how much he really knew; like when I got engaged or how, but from the bottom of my heart I couldn't bear to tell him any details.

Brushing the awkwardness aside, I still wasn't finished inquiring about my father though, so I forced myself to stop thinking about his cell phone or the weird admittance of Jake and I's relationship status. "So how is Charlie? Has he been eating? I know he has his treatment today so who's taking him?" I tried not to prattle and to let the fact that Edward knew more about my father's health than I did, bug me.

He visibly tensed. "Why don't you ask him, Bella?" he spat. I recoiled at his harsh jab, which was unexpected. He went from being sincere and contemplative to apprehensive and downright rude.

"I would if I had a fucking phone to use!" I bit back but we both knew it wasn't the phone that made me say that. His attitude was running hot and cold and really he was acting bipolar. He was just almost pleasant when congratulating me on my engagement and now he looked like Satan spitting his fire breath on a field of daisies. I felt like I had to fight with him to just keep up.

My chest felt like it was going to burst from the anger building up inside me. _How dare he?!_ He knew Charlie chose not to tell me about the specifics of his treatment and what he was going through because he didn't want to burden me when he knew I was going through so much at school. I argued with him many times but he was still adamant about letting me get through my Masters degree first before allowing me to take care of him.

He already hated the fact that I would let my life be consumed by his illness when I was at home on break. He wanted me to go out and have fun, but how could I when my father was wasting away at home? I felt incredibly guilty that it was Edward by my father's side each day and not me.

"Please, don't be like that," I said through clenched teeth. "You know how Charlie is with me."

Edward veered to the right, the sudden movement throwing me against the passenger side door. I leaned back and rubbed my arm as it got smashed on the armrest. Mentally, I cursed Edward. I understood his frustration with me, but he didn't need to act this way. Although, I was pretty sure he was frustrated with himself as well.

He opened his mouth, quickly closing it. He waited, and then spoke again. I assumed he was about to argue with me, but what actually came out of his mouth shocked me. It was _compliance._

"He was having a good day yesterday, but this morning when I called to check up on him, Emmett said he was having a hard time walking. He has no strength. Emmett tried to feed him, but Charlie wouldn't eat. It was funny because yesterday morning when he took me to the airport he was more alert and active than I have seen him in months."

My traitor tears almost got the best of me. The lump in the back of my throat was back again since this morning and I almost gurgled a cry, but I managed to conceal any outward signs how this news affected me. I was the one who had to remain strong. Charlie didn't need a groveling mess of a daughter coming back to him. It wasn't fair, he showed more bravery than ten men combined and I was the simpleton standing on his toes, waiting for his guidance. I would always be his little girl and right now, I had to be the woman he needed me to be. My mom gave up her position and I was the one who needed to reclaim it. I smeared away any hurt and admission and decided to play the wild card.

"That's because he knew he was getting his way with you," I half-joked, not ready to hear how fragile my father had become in just one day. I was playing it safe.

"Bella, his health isn't anything to joke about," Edward scolded harshly. I felt the disapproval drip from his every word.

Tears brimmed my eyes in response to Edward's comment. The floodgates were starting to breech and I knew it was a matter of time before I was a crying fool in front of Edward. He seemed to think ill of me when it came to my father and who could blame him; I was just as good as the River Denial.

"I know it's not a joking matter, but sometimes when I hear the bad news about his health and I can't be there, my guilt overwhelms me." I swiped a tear off my cheek before it fell down too far for Edward to notice. "It's too much. It's just easier to crack a joke than to deal with it right now. I want to hear it, but at the same time, it hurts me." I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand and tried hard not to sniffle, but I think I was fooling myself that he didn't notice me crying.

Edward nodded.

He didn't say anything in return so I considered the subject dropped. I really wanted to lay my head on Alice's shoulder again, and this time, I wouldn't be opposed to dancing the Locomotion or something in order to feel better. I missed her so much already and it's only been a few moments

_Alice._

I thought I caught some hurt and disappointment on Alice's face when I didn't say anything as I hugged her goodbye. I couldn't say anything. If I did, then I knew I might not leave. So I hugged her as best I could and as hard as I could, trying to convey every emotion I was feeling that moment without having to speak. It was deterring at best, and I was emotionally exhausted. And it was only eleven in the morning!

Alice could tell that everything I'd learned this morning had taken its toll on me. I saw it in her eyes as I gave her one last squeeze and a warm smile. Things between her and I were going to be okay. We both knew that. However, understanding where she was coming from was a little harder to grasp because she was fighting for her own well-being as well as my own. It seemed like everyone this morning was in a fight, whether it be for self control, sanity, or matters of the heart.

It didn't go unnoticed by me that Edward kissed Alice on the cheek. I'd never seen him affectionate towards her at all and her blush spurred him to raise the corner of his mouth in a smug grin. I was glad I wasn't the only one who was so enamored by his charm and charisma, but I made a bet with myself that I wouldn't allow myself to be bamboozled by him again. It was already proving to be a daunting challenge.

My head was still spinning from all the events that took place this morning. Just preparing myself to get to the truck door had proven to be a tough task. It felt like I was holding the door shut so I wouldn't fall from the thick air of egotism that pushed and prodded me from all sides.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him look over at me in a covert fashion. He sized me up and I knew it. Secretly, I watched him as we drove in complete silence. All the previous exchanges we just shared seemed to be forgotten already. I wasn't paying attention to the road or where he was turning because my thoughts were too muddled at the moment to care. There was too much going on in my head and I was doing some sizing up of my own, paying close attention to how Edward reacted to various things.

His face was void of any emotion. He focused on the road as we left my neighborhood, his jaw set like stone. I could feel the tension radiating from his body. His arms were particularly tense. He'd taken off his leather jacket when Alice and I were inside and his short-sleeved t-shirt was hiked up high on his biceps. His forearms were strong. The muscles flexed as he gripped the steering wheel tightly. Over and over he rubbed, tightening his grip until I thought the steering wheel would fall right off.

I wondered what Edward was thinking. He knew about Jake now, but he didn't react as I thought he would. Really, what was I expecting? Edward wasn't going to yell or complain that I was making the wrong decision. To him, it felt like I jabbed him with a pitch fork and his whisper of congratulations was his last breath. I defeated him a long time ago and he had no fight left for me. Jake didn't feel like he had that fight for me either.

As I thought about it, I wasn't as shocked as I should've been to find out that Jake was messing around with Leah. It stung when Alice told me, but it surprised me that I didn't want to yell and scream, or hunt him down and kill him. It was as if I knew that deep down I deserved it. I never noticed Jake pulling away from me, but at the same time, I knew that I wasn't giving our relationship all I could, so it really wasn't all that surprising to me.

Edward made a left turn and I swayed with the motion of the truck. He looked tired. I played with the edge of the door handle and memorized the black smudges that marked the smooth surface. My mind started to wander over the events of today and the repercussions that I would have to deal with later on.

It was so unfair to Jake that I never put him up on the same pedestal that he placed me on. In retrospect, finding out that Jake was "maybe" cheating on me, only told me that I had to get Edward out of my head in order to give myself fully to Jake. I wasn't going to let Leah take him away from me. She was not going to be the end of us. But in order to continue on with Jake, I knew I had to tell him about Edward. Even though, at first, it would cause an even bigger rift between us, in the end, it would be the only thing that could save us. Honesty was the way to go. I couldn't lie to myself or him anymore.

I couldn't believe it - Leah of all people! I trusted him with her because she was my friend and she took that trust and flaunted it in my face. I was angry with him for letting Leah be the one to get in the way. I still had to face her at home when she graduated. Leah Clearwater would eventually get a piece of my mind, I just wasn't sure when.

Even knowing all this, I still made the decision to leave with Edward, without a drop of remorse. I couldn't ignore what just happened with Edward and me. I knew we needed closure and this road trip would provide me with that. It would give me what I needed in order to talk with Jake and fix our relationship.

But who was I to say what Jake and Leah did was wrong? All I knew was that they were 'together... close...touching...too much,' as Alice put it. He wasn't any better than I was. Really, I had no right to be mad. How could I blame him for something I did to him? The question at hand: Was I ready to come clean about what happened with Edward? The answer: No way, not yet. Cheating on Jake on New Years was never my intention. Waking up that morning, I had no idea just how much my life would change after that night. I never would've thought I would end up getting my hooha pleasured and my heart ripped out by one man, and accept a marriage proposal from another. Who does that? Dirty sluts, that's who. I was ashamed of myself.

I was on autopilot after that night. The amount of guilt I placed on myself was too vast to bear so I pushed it out of my mind and thought long and hard about why I was even with Jake in the first place. That answer wasn't too hard to figure out. Jake was there for me when I fell off my emotional rollercoaster ride with Edward. Jake saved me when I didn't think I could live again.

At the time, I thought it was wrong to start a relationship with Jake so soon after Edward left me, but in hindsight, I had nothing inside anymore so it was the best thing for me at the time. I liked him so it seemed right. I just wanted to feel loved again even if I couldn't fully reciprocate his feelings for me. Jake said he didn't care. Jake never made any assumptions on my love. That was an unwritten rule. He was willing to put himself out there on the chance I would give myself fully to him in return. He said that he was there by my side, unlike Edward, so I trusted him and let myself go into his arms willingly.

He put a lot of pressure on me to set a date for our wedding, but with everything that happened, I could never gather up enough courage to give him what he wanted. On one hand, I wanted to marry Jake and be an honest wife, living the happy life that I knew he would provide for me, while on the other hand, I wanted the love, excitement, and pleasure I knew Edward would provide for me.

When Edward came back on New Years, I got scared and ran away. He came out of the blue, much like today, and my reaction was the same as it had been this morning. I was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. Jake never gave me any reason to abandon all rational and just throw everything I worked so hard for out the window. Edward did – and now I was sitting next to him in this truck, fawning over his every muscle twitch.

I had to pull myself away from him or else I was going to make myself crazy, not that I really planned to be in this position ten minutes ago. After all, Emmett was supposed to make this journey with me and I had everything planned to a tee. I researched our route, where to stop and what to do. Since a huge monkey wrench had been thrown into my plans and now Edward was in the driver's seat, I was pretty sure that Charlie had failed to mention to him that I wanted to visit my mom and make this a mini road trip as well.

As Edward started to pull onto the I-90, it confirmed that he was definitely unaware of my plans.

"Stop! Pull over!" I grabbed his forearm of the hand that gripped the steering wheel and felt him slightly jerk from my touch. The truck lurched to one side and my body almost came crashing into Edward's.

"What?" Edward shot me a preoccupied glance, steadying the wheel, as he shook off my hand. I let my hand drop down to the bench seat, feeling that familiar tingle that I felt from the touch we'd shared earlier. "You scared the shit out of me!"

I turned to face him, my voice shrill. "You're going the wrong way. Pull over!" I said, moving to sit straight up again.

"I'm not going the wrong route. This is the I-90, Bella."

This time, I tried to make my voice sound more calm and reasonable. "I know it's the I-90, but we're not going the right way. Pull over, please." Edward pulled over to the side of the road, just short of the highway. He put the truck in park and dropped his hands to his lap.

"Okay, I pulled over. Did you forget something? You should've told me before I started to come on here. This is the on-ramp Bella," he gestured to the road as he looked around. "It's not safe to stay here long."

He didn't listen to me when I said that we were going in the wrong direction. He completely blew over everything I just said. Typical Edward.

"No, I said we are going the _wrong way_." I repeated.

"This is the way back to Forks. I Map Quested it before I came. We're going the right way. Since you obviously didn't forget anything, you didn't have to yell at me to pull over," Edward said crossly as he reached for the gearshift between us.

"Yes, this is the way back to Forks," I scooted closer to Edward, prying his fingers off the gearshift. It was then that I felt it again. Almost like static shock but gentler, like the when your leg falls asleep. The familiar tingle. It jetted up my arm into my shoulder. I happened to peak over at Edward and he sat in awe of our touch on the gearshift. He was still. I felt myself gasp at the tickle that now landed in my stomach. I moved my finger slightly over his hand. He flinched again in response to my touch, but didn't jerk away completely like before. I quickly let go of his hand and placed mine back into my lap. Embarrassed. I cleared my dry throat, desperately, "But I'm guessing that Charlie didn't tell you that we're going to Renee's first."

Edward brought his hand up and rubbed the side of his temple, chewing on my words. I could tell he was trying not to get upset. It was in his eyes. He could never hide the look he got when he was trying to get a handle on his emotions.

"I'm not going to Renee's," he said quietly and calmly.

I rolled my eyes and fixed my gaze on the radio clock. A fight was brewing so I didn't want to look at him right now. I didn't want him to know he still had that sort of power over me and my eyes never lied. He always dominated me and I hated him for that.

"If it was Emmett in your place, we would be going to my mom's. That was my original plan, way before you showed up." I brought my hand to my lips and pulled on the bottom one to distract me from shifting my eyes in his direction. "I haven't seen her in a couple of years..."

"Yeah, but I'm not Emmett. I didn't agree to this!" he shouted. His voice was so stern it made me sink down lower into my seat. The vinyl threading of the seat cushion rubbed against my thighs and for the first time, I realized I was shaking.

Why was I shaking? I wasn't afraid of Edward and I knew he couldn't say something to me that I haven't already heard. I was shaking because he provoked every ounce of emotion in me, more intense than anyone else could. It wasn't normal and it wasn't right, yet his possessiveness thrilled me and set me on fire. In his own way and with my unknowing approval, he brought out a side of me that I kept buried for a long time. My passionate side. All I wanted to do was fight with him and challenge him, but I had to reel myself in and control my desire to let myself go. It only got me into trouble before and I wasn't prepared today to relinquish my self-control once again.

I sighed and took in a deep, cleansing breath.

"I didn't agree to a lot of things, but I'm doing them," I fought, as I folded my hands together to prevent them from vibrating from the anger and bewilderment I felt, knowing that Edward made me react more strongly than I would have if I were with someone else.

_Calm down and breathe, Bella._ _Make him understand._

"My mom is out of the way, but I don't know when I'm going to be able to see her again," I whispered, trying to sound lucid without a drop of anger.

"I have no desire to see that woman," he sneered as he turned his body in my direction and glared down his nose at me as if I were a child. I forgot I had my own body perched much like his was now. We were only inches apart and the look in his eyes was dark. He hated my mother. He never told me why, but I could only guess what it stemmed from. Still I had to see if he would admit why he hated her. It was clear by his voice that he did.

"Why? What has she done to you? She's _my_ mother; I should be the one who doesn't want to see her the most, not you!" I felt victorious saying all of that aloud.

Edward moved closer so he was right in my face. "She broke Charlie and took away what I cared for most!"

"What do you mean, 'What you cared for most'?" I ask back.

"Never mind, it's not important now anyway," he replied, still hovering close to my face. He pushed his glasses up into his hair and really looked at me. His eyes traveled up and down my face and he stared at my lips. He still smelled wonderful. I drank him in once more as I almost let my eyes flutter close. I had this overwhelming need to feel his lips on mine and every touch he last put on my body was playing back in my head like a movie. I wanted to bring my hand up to cup his cheek and rub away the crease in his forehead, but I had to battle with my hand to stay fisted at my side. His face inched closer. He was going to kiss me! His eyes lids were heavy and I recognized the expression. He darted out his tongue to wet his lips. I wanted that tongue. I needed his tongue. _God, Bella! _The urge was too much and I had to change something or else.

I pushed with my hands on his chest, forcing him away, "Back off!"

He was back over to his side of the truck in a flash pulling his glasses down to his eyes.

"She's my mother Edward." I say trying to catch my breath and kill the butterflies that floated in my chest. I averted my eyes because, _damn what just happened between us_?

Seeing Renee wasn't going to be fun. I already came to that conclusion for myself. There were reasons I haven't seen her much since she left my dad, mainly just because she left us, but we still had constant contact with each other. She loved the phone and I got regular calls three times a week. I was still harboring anger with her but she liked to keep things light and never mention the past. I still had no idea what her real reason for leaving us was.

Renee ultimately guided my decision to go away to college after she left my father. Back then, I was too easily influenced by her. She led me to believe that I would be wasting my life away if I stayed in Forks and didn't explore the world. She didn't want me to be like she was when she was my age. Renee had dreams that never came to flourish and she scared me into thinking my life would turn out much like hers if I didn't break away from my small hometown and spread my wings. Back then, I was in love with Edward and I thought we would be together forever. We planned so many things, but when I confessed to my mother that Edward and I made love for the first time on our trip to San Francisco, she flipped out.

She was scared that I was going to get pregnant and get tied down in Forks playing housewife. Her rants were highly manipulative and eye opening, and up until then, I never thought just how possible it was that my life could turn out like hers. I didn't want that for myself even though I wanted to be with Edward. She got pregnant at eighteen by my father and they married when she was only three months pregnant. They had a hard time at first but they managed, considering their age and what little they had. Charlie became a deputy just after my first birthday and they bought the house my father lives in now.

Renee had so many dreams that she placed on backburner so she could put me and my dad first. She never showed any regret until I was seventeen. Everything changed. That was the year she left my dad. She left us. She moved to Denver to live in a 'thriving art community' she discovered, which was odd because I'd never even seen her pick up a pencil or paintbrush to draw, paint or sketch_. _I could only imagine that she liked the company that was kept there.

There were never any fights or arguments with Charlie. He stood by as she packed, watching her every move, never saying a word. I wanted to shake him and shout at the top of my lungs, "Don't let her go, Dad! Make her see that she can't leave us!" He never once moved. He stood there emotionless, just watching her in silence.

"I love you baby and I will be back," my mom whispered in my ear as I waited on the front porch with her. At that time, I had every hope in the world that she meant what she said and that she would, one day, come home for good. She kissed my forehead and held my chin in between her hand, nuzzling her nose with mine. She was leaving me her warmth and love, but it soon faded as I watched her walk down the stairs to the waiting cab.

Charlie lost himself in his work and fished a lot to occupy his free time. Edward's father, Edward Sr., became a constant fixture at my house along with Edward's mother, Elizabeth. They were my other parents and helped fill the emptiness left behind from my mother's departure. Edward and I grew even closer as he became my shoulder to cry on and my best confidant. He held me through the tough nights and danced with me when I was more than happy to see my dad smile for once. Edward was with me at every turn and waiting around the sharp corners.

During the same phone call I had with Renee about me losing my virginity, I also mentioned that Edward decided to follow my dad and go to the police academy. Looking back now, the parallels between her life at eighteen and mine, were uncanny. I didn't want to become my mother. I never wanted to feel for Edward in eighteen years what my mother felt for my father when she left. _Nothing._

Edward was ready to give up all of his dreams and follow me to Chicago and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I couldn't let him do that. He meant too much to me and I felt unworthy of him to allow him to give it all up for me. I was just like my mother and if I ever saw the look in Edward's eyes that I saw in my father's when she left, I would want to die. If that ever happened, I'd be responsible for ruining his life all because I was too selfish to tell him to live his own life. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. Who was I do dictate someone's life? When it came to Edward, I felt justified. He didn't know any better than I did… I just knew the outcome.

So I told him to go home. My family was fucked up and until I could fix my self-esteem issues, Edward deserved better.

His movement beside me startled me back into the present. Edward mumbled something about how people don't know how to drive and continued to look tense and adverse to my direct glare. I didn't take my eyes off him this time because I knew that if I did I might not have the nerve to say what I was about to say.

"Listen..." I started.

"Mmm..." he abruptly injected.

I inhaled a small amount of life into my lungs.

"Edward, I'm already losing my father, please don't take her away from me too," I winced as I let my eyes close, trying to shut out what happened in our past for just a moment. I knew I'd just played the 'oh woe is me' card. Instantly, I felt bad using my father as the catalyst in my fight to win my way.

After a few moments, I opened my eyes again and scanned Edward's face. He wasn't looking at me, but out the window instead. He had one arm placed on top of the steering wheel and the other rubbing the back of his neck. His lips were tight, so tight you almost couldn't make out the outline of his top lip. He was emotionless again. Indecision flashed across his face as he turned to look at me. I let out a shaky breath before giving him a pleading smile.

Edward turned his body to face the wheel again and reached between his legs for his phone. He flipped it open and looked at the screen before shutting it closed again.

"We're not staying long," he stated firmly. He placed his hand back on the gearshift and put it into drive. "You're the navigator so.." Edward paused to let out a deep sigh before continuing. "Where to?"

I hid my face from him because I was blushing and I didn't want him to see. He knew just as well as I did that he was usually the navigator on our road trips, so it was a shock to me that he was letting me take charge. I smiled to myself thinking back to Edward getting us lost more often than not when we traveled. The most fun was finding our way back to the right path and we always did. We had some good times together. It didn't get pass me that he used our old sentiment.

Edward was knowingly giving me freedom. I relished in it for at least a minute before I let my excitement bubble to the surface.

I was sure my grin was as wide as the Grand Canyon. "We need to make our way to the I-55. It will take us to St. Louis, where we'll make our first stop." My voice went up an octave and I'm sure my excitement wasn't hard to see.

I reached for my duffle bag hidden behind the bench seat and grabbed my map and Wikied facts of St. Louis. I brought it to my lap and starting skimming through the information.

"Why are we stopping in St. Louis?" Edward asked as he pulled back onto the on-ramp. He eyed my folder as he pulled out into traffic.

"We're going up in the Arch," I said, busy reading over my various printouts. I plucked one from the stack of a picture of the Arch to show Edward, "Here look at this--"

"I'm not stopping in St. Louis to visit the Arch." he balked, "No way." Edward started laughing as he shook his head.

I looked over at him and narrowed my eyes. "Yes, we are!" I shouted.

_Here it goes again!_

"No. We. Are. Not!" he retorted, speeding up as he merged into the far left lane. I noticed he gripped the steering wheel tightly again.

"Yes!" I shouted, my face flushed with anger. I felt that familiar heat rising in my cheeks like it did earlier this morning. My skin tingled with fury. Mt. Vesuvius had nothing on me right now.

"No!" he argued

"Yes!"

"It's not gonna happen, Bella!"

"Yes it is, _Edward_!" I yelled.

"I'm not stopping!"

"I'll make you!" I challenge him.

"Oh, yea? I would love to see you try!"

"You mean like this..." I moved over fast and pressed my leg against his. I pushed down as hard as I could making his leg slam the brake. The truck stopped, skidding in the fast lane of traffic I just realized we were in. Loud horns and blares paraded all around us as I heard one or two expletives shouted in our direction through my cracked window.

"Bella! THE FUCK?" he shouted at the top of his lungs, swerving to avoid being rear-ended. The whole truck swayed back and forth as we both had to hold on for dear life as Edward tried to gain control of the vehicle. He shoved my body back onto my side of the cab and I landed with a thud. "What the hell are you thinking!" his body quivered with anger as I realized he was right and I let my stupid pride take over. "You could of gotten us killed!" Edward planted his hands at ten and two; again rubbing the material off the wheel.

"Sorry." was all I could squeak out and I don't even think he heard it.

"Jesus Bella! What is wrong with you?" he asked looking around at traffic.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. I was just mad and you...." _Provoke me, anger me, rile me up, give me sex eyes....._

"I'm sorry. It won't happen again." I say looking down.

Edward said nothing and accelerated to compensate for braking. He didn't let off the gas and continued to push the truck to its limits. The whole cab started to shake and rattle making me think that the whole heap is going to fall apart any second.

I looked over at the speedometer and my eyes felt like they bugged out. "Edward! Slow down!"

Edward glanced down, checking his speed. "We're only going eighty."

"The whole truck is shaking, Edward! I don't think this thing is meant to go over 50! I know you cops like to speed, but I like to get home in one piece!" I placed one hand on the dash and the other on the door, bracing myself, as Edward passed a small white car in front of us. He weaved right into the next lane as he accelerated faster to pass the car. I shot a look at the speedometer against my better judgment. It read ninety.

"Like you care! With what you just did, speed is nothing!" He handled the wheel like he was driving a Nascar and he eyes bore onto the road, studying the every curve we were making.

I reached over and grabbed his shoulder. "Please, slow down," I begged. I implored him with my eyes because even though I risked our lives didn't mean he has to stoop down to my level and compete with my ignorance.

Edward looked down at my hand touching his shoulder and pushed lightly in the brake pedal, appeasing me, but shrugging off my hand in the process.

"Thank you," I sighed, the tension is my body slowly dissipating. "I'm sorry...for pushing your leg."

Edward sucked in a breath and let one hand fall from the steering wheel. Relaxing.

"I'm sorry for speeding even though it wasn't that fast." he placated.

I make my infamous eye roll that I felt like I have been using entirely too much today.

"Okay fine, lets make a deal. No more stupid stunts due to our inability to control our anger." I held my hand out across the cab ready to shake on it, "Deal?"

He licks his lips and turns his face to me, looking me in the eye, "Deal." We shake and I make no move to drop his hand. I wasn't finished.

"Are we good?" I ask.

"For now." I let his hand fall and he brought it back to the wheel.

He sat back silently and was now oddly composed. I settled back into my seat and gazed out of the passenger window. Placing my elbow on the door frame, I rested my cheek on the back of my hand. This was tiring and I hoped that the rest of the trip wouldn't be this emotionally exhausting. If so, we'd never make it back to Forks sane or alive, never mind with any sort of closure. Edward was so stubborn, it infuriated me beyond belief. I really wasn't much better. I guess you can call us two peas in a pod.

Now back the the subject in hand.

I just wanted to stop for a quick trip to the top of the Arch, then go, and eat at the Crown Candy Kitchen. It was an old soda fountain and candy shop from the turn of the century and now it was a restaurant. It was vintage and nostalgic. The website looked fabulous and my mouth already watered for their Roast Beef Cheddar Melt and Johnny Rabbit Special malt. I thought it would be a good place to stop for dinner before heading out on the road again. Angela and Ben went there on their trip to St. Louis and they both loved the food and the desserts. I read that it was a local favorite. They said it was pretty close to the Arch, but in a not-so-nice part of town. I didn't care. It sounded too good to pass up. It was all innocent enough. I wasn't going to play any mind games or fuckery on him. This is what I would be doing if Emmett were in his seat. I wasn't going to let Edward piss away the whole trip. Granted, this was now a new start and I feared I was going to do a lot of convincing along the way.

He was going to have to loosen up. I thought I would be more diplomatic when I approached him with the subject again.

"I would like to stop and see the Arch. I don't think we'll ever get the chance again. If we're going to be so close, it's kind of stupid not to go." I paused, looking at him. He gave me no response so I continued. "Plus, Angela and Ben told me of this great place to stop and eat at so I would like to go there too. And...well...dinner will be my treat."

With his eyes still on the road, he spoke. "You don't have to buy me dinner, Bella."

"Well, it's the least I could do since it's my fault you're here in the first place." There were so many connotations in that one sentence, but I played it cool.

Edward parted his lips, his eyes darting back and forth between the road and me. He closed his mouth and frowned. I could tell he wanted to talk, but he stopped himself.

"It will be fun," I said optimistically. "Besides, I bet you never thought waking up this morning you would be going to the top of the Arch." I never thought this morning that a ride up the Arch could be the most thrilling thing ever with Edward next to me. Alone. _Ahh, man! Stop it Bella!_

He chuckled aloud, rubbing the spot on his shoulder where I just touched him. "I don't know..." his voice trailed off.

"It's a new adventure," I interrupted, using the phrase I always said when I wanted to get Edward to do something. I saw his mouth curl up just a tad and I knew I'd won him over.

**A/N**

**So there you go. The first couple of miles and they are already at each other's throats. HAHA! I love it and I hope you do to. There are going to be a lot of bumps in the road before they can mend. So who's in for the ride with me? I have a lot of things planned and we are only half way there, if that. **

**To my gals MissAlex, Punkfarie, Vamp_sessed, LittleLea, Kimbercullen, and all of the BFFF'ers, big smooches!**

**I would love to rec some good fics I have been reading**

**Fallen Angels by Kimbercullen, I haven't asked her if Mafiaward would be the right 'ward she would want but ya...he's hot! Kim is a brilliant writer and seriously she just brought this fic over from livejournal and it doesn't have enough reviews! Go read and you'll see the kind of genius she does:)**

**Waiting for an Angel by Shellsbells...ahh what an amazing writer Shell is! I can't say enough! She is on the short list of my favorite Brits and really her plot line is just so intriguing! Check her out and you won't be disappointed. **

**Royale by EmmaleeWrites05 this is Jasper/Bella at it's finest and even though Edward is an ass, you can't help fall in love with Jasper. The last chapter updated is enough to make any gal drool over is cowboy boots. Go read, enjoy!**

**Leave a review and tell me what kind of road stop you would like Edward and Bella to make along the way. Hint, they might be following Route 66.**


	12. Phoney Business

**A/N**

**This was supposed to be chapter 13 but I moved it to chapter 12 since 13 is still with MissAlex and she is preforming her magic. It's a short one but very pivotal since it will lead to things down the road. Also once FF gets it's shit together I will post the new 13 and 14 won't be long behind. I'm that far ahead. GO ME! I sent out teasers on Twilighted but they are now part of chapter 13 and 14.  
**

**Also special thanks to Sunfeathers for making me a thread on Twilighted here is the link and also go to my profile and get the link there too. **

**http://www(dot)twilighted(dot)net/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=44&t=5382&hilit=treading+water**

**The One Shot Lurkers Contest is still open and info is linked in my profile for all those interested and MissAlex and I would love for you to enter! August 15****th**** is the last day!!!**

** MissAlex is my Canadian lova and BFF!! You complete me BB and you make me look pretty:) She beta'ed this for you all today considering it's so short.  
**

**SMEYER'S OWN ME!**

**Chapter 13: Phone-y Business**

_**Alice**_

1:46pm

**_Jake calling..._**

1 missed call.

**

**2:05pm**

**_Jake calling..._**

2 missed calls.

**

_One new text message..._

**(555-8741) 2:10pm. **

Jake: Alice, have you heard from B?

**(555-9090) 2:35pm **

Alice: No. Her phone broke before she left.

_One new test message..._

**(555-8741) 2:37pm.**

Jake: Oh. How did that happen?

**(555-9090) 3:00pm**

Alice: It fell in the sink. Dead.

_One new text message..._

**(555-8741) 3:03pm**

Jake: Why didn't she tell me?

_One new text message..._

**(555-8741) 3:15pm**

Jake: Hello?

**Jake calling...**

Alice: "What Jake? I'm busy!"

Jake: "Sorry! What's got up your butt?"

Alice: "Nothing, what do you want?"

Jake: "You've been acting funny since this morning. What did I do to you?"

Alice: "It's not what you did to me."

Jake: "What do you mean?"

Alice: ***huffs*** "Jake, why are you calling?"

Jake: "Um, can I have Emmett's phone number?"

Alice: "309-555-7656"

Jake: "309-55......okay...got it. Thanks.** *pauses* ** So why didn't she call to tell me her phone broke?"

Alice: "I don't know Jake. I'm not her."

Jake: "Okay, what's wrong?! Where is my buddy?"

Alice: "Ha! Buddy?! I'm not sure that term applies anymore."

Jake: "Meaning…?"

Alice: "Fine..._we_ saw you. Your _rendezvous_"

Jake: "You saw me?"

Alice: "Yes."

Jake: "_Rendezvous?_"

Alice: "_Rendezvous_."

Jake: "Rendezvous?"

Alice: "Ugh! Yes, let me say it slower......_r e n d e z v o u s_."

Jake: "What the hell does that mean?"

Alice: "_Rendezvous_ is French for booty call."

Jake:** Silence.**

Alice:** Silence.**

Jake: "Alice?"

Alice: **Silence.**

Jake: "Umm...I don't know what to say."

Alice: "Why don't you start by saying that you're an asshole? Wait, sorry. You don't have to justify anything to me. I really shouldn't have an opinion on what you like to dibble your twig n berries into. But I must tell you - that Leah is a low blow and I mean that in a very sexual way."

Jake: "Stop it, Alice!"

Alice: "Are you defending your actions? Are you defending her?"

Jake: "No. What I've done is wrong. I know that. I don't need you to tell me I'm an asshole. I feel like one and for a while too. Leah is--"

Alice: "What about Leah? God Jake, she lives right around the corner from Bella! What are you thinking?"

Jake: "Things happened and I didn't stop it. It's complicated."

Alice: "How?"

Jake:** Silence.**

Alice: "Okay, this is stupid."

Jake: ***whispers*** "I know about what happened on New Years. I saw Edward."

Alice: "WHAT?! ***whispers* **Holy Shit!"

Jake: "I didn't see them do anything. I'm only assuming something happened. I'm also assuming you know exactly what I'm talking about."

Alice: "Then how do you know what happened?"

Jake: "Leah."

Alice: "Leah saw them?"

Jake: "Yes."

Alice: "I'm confused. Where was she that night? She wasn't with us."

Jake: "Don't worry. She was there."

Alice: "How is that? ***pauses*** How long have you two been ***ahem*** fucking?

Jake: "Alice! For one, you said 'fuck' and two, GOD! "

Alice: "I've had a crazy day. You have no idea what I had to deal with this morning. Besides, my most hated word seemed to be apropos when talking about you and_ Leah_."

Jake: **silence with heavy breathing**.

Alice: You're not going to tell me, are you_?_"

Jake: "No, I need to talk to Bella first."

Alice: "But what does Leah have to do with you deciding it's alright to tickle her with your pickle?"

Jake: "Ahh, Alice! It's-- "

Alice: "Well?"

Jake: "It's complicated."

Alice: "You said that already."

Jake: "I know, that's the only thing I can think of to describe all of this, whatever this is."

Alice: "Then just start at the beginning."

Jake: "No. I can't talk about this with you. It's weird. You're Bella's best friend and I'm feeling like shit right now."

Alice: "Jake, I'm sorry."

Jake: "It's okay Alice, I'm just confused."

Alice: "So what are you going to do?"

Jake: "Call Bella."

Alice: "Umm, okay."

Jake: "Does Bella know? Did you tell her?"

Alice: "Yes, she knows."

Jake: "Fuck! She's pissed?"

Alice: "She was pretty non-confrontational about the subject, actually."

Jake: "Really? What does that even mean?"

Alice: "I don't know, Jake. I'm in a weird position here myself. And you're not a saint in this situation either."

Jake: "I know."

Alice: "She just wants to get home to Charlie."

Jake: "I know."

Alice: "You've both have been dishonest with each other. It doesn't matter who did what first. She meant well by you, Jake. Just know that."

Jake: "I meant well too."

Alice: "Do you love her?"

Jake: "Yes, Bella is......"

Alice: "I'm talking about Leah."

Jake: **Silence**

Alice: "It's okay, Jake. No one is going to judge you. I'm not anymore. You need to talk to Bella."

Jake: "What do I say?"

Alice: "I can't tell you that, Jake. This is between you and Bella. But there is no point in dragging out something that it's obvious you're both not fully committed to."

Jake: "Alice?"

Alice: "Yes?"

Jake: "I hate this. I don't want you to be angry with me Alice. Can you forgive me? Are you still my buddy?"

Alice: "Yes, I'm still your buddy. I'll forgive you but I'm not the one who matters here. "

Jake: "You matter to me, Alice. Thanks."

Alice: "Bye. I'll see you soon."

_**Edward**_

_One test message sent..._

**(309-555-3452) 4:22pm**

Jess: Where are you at?

**(309-555-7656) 4:25pm**

Edward: Getting close to St. Louis. Stopped for gas. This thing is a hog. I'm stocking up on beef jerky.

_One text message sent..._

**(309-555-3452) 4:27pm**

Jess: St Louis? WTF?

**(309-555-7656) 4: 28pm**

Edward: Nice mouth ;) We're detouring. Going to Renee's. I'm alright w/it.

_One text message sent…_

**(309-555-3452) 4:29pm.**

Jess: Don't let her control you!

**(309-555-7656) 4:31pm**

Edward: I can take care of myself! WTF Jess!

_**Unknown calling...**_

**(555-8741) 4:35pm**

Edward: "Hello."

Jake: "Hello?"

Edward: "Ya?"

Jake: "Emmett?"

Edward: "No, this is Edward. Who's this?

Jake: Silence.

Edward: "Hello?"

Jake: "Wrong number." ***Line goes dead***

_**Unknown calling...**_

**(555-8741) 4:38pm**

Edward: "Hello?"

Jake: "Who is this again?"

Edward: "Who is this?" ***Annoyed***

Jake: ***Whispers*** "Shit. Nevermind." ***Line goes dead***

**  
**  
_**Alice**_

**(555-8741) 4:39pm**

_**Jake calling...**_

Alice: "Hello."

Jake: "Hey buddy."

Alice:** *Sighs*** "Hey Jake."

Jake: "Um....I just called Edward. You must have gotten your E's mixed up when you looked in your phone book."

Alice: "Oh...ah..."

Jake: "I just said I had the wrong number and I hung up quickly. Can you please double check Emmett's number for me? I really don't want to call Edward again…or _ever_."

Alice: "Well....um.....I didn't give you the wrong number. ***Sighs***

Jake: "Wha-?"

Alice: "Okay, you're gonna find out anyway. Charlie sent Edward instead of Emmett. He wants Bella to reconcile with Edward. He meant just as friends. When Bella found out about you this morning she kind of just went with it even though she wasn't prepared for it. She didn't know it was Edward who was driving her home until he showed up so she didn't lie to you if that's what you're thinking."

Jake: She's with Edward right now? Driving across the country?"

Alice: "Yes, pea brain! Aren't you listening?"

Jake: ***Heavy breathing*** "I gotta go Alice." ***Hangs up***

**(309-555-6969) 5:06pm.**

_**Jasper calling...**_

Alice: "Pooh bear!!"

Jasper: "Hey Sugar! Are you done packing?"

Alice: "Are you kidding me? I had the truck loaded the minute Bella left and sent the movers on their way."

Jasper: "You're really too much, you know that?"

Alice: ***seductively*** "Not too much that you can't handle me."

Jasper: "Oh I know I can handle you…and often."

Alice: ***giggles*** "Hey baby? What do you say since all my junk is in transit that I change my flight from next week to, oh, I don't know…tomorrow?"

Jasper: "Really?"

Alice: "Yeah, I thought I would have to keep Jake busy while Bella was driving home with Edward, but I kind of...umm..."

Jasper: "What did you do?"

Alice: "He was going to find out anyway!"

Jasper: "It's not your place to play God, honey."

Alice: "How can you say that, Jazzy? Where would we be if I didn't meddle?"

Jasper: "True. But I don't approve. It should have been Bella that told Jake that she went with Edward, not you."

Alice: "I know. I just hated lying to him and Bella too."

Jasper: "So was he mad?

Alice: "No, he just said he had to go."

Jasper: "That doesn't sound good."

Alice: "You don't think Jake will do anything…do you?"

Jasper: "I don't' know Alice, you're the one who practically lived with him."

Alice: "Jeez! Now I'm going to have to get involved."

Jasper: "Like you weren't already!"

Alice: "Babe, will you help me?"

Jasper: "What do I get out of this?"

Alice: "All the poon you want. Now hush up and agree!"

Jasper: "Fine, I guess I'll take on Edward.

Alice: "Okay, I got Jess and Bella. ***Grumbles*** and Jake. You got me that interview, right?"

Jasper: "Ya, but for next week. But if you're coming tomorrow then I can make a call. Mike is a good guy. They need more help at the diner now."

Alice: "Perfect! Jasper?"

Jasper: "Yes, my sweet?"

Alice: "I love you!" ***Squeals***

Jasper: "I love you and I have something to show you when you get here."

Alice: "What is it? Tell me!"

Jasper: "Can't babe. My lips are sealed. ***Laugh**s*

Alice: "Fine. You're killing me though! But since it's a surprise and I love surprises, I can wait. My flight is at eleven am. I will call you before I board the plane."

Jasper: "I can't wait, baby! At last, right?

Alice: "Yes, my heart! At last."

**A/N**

**Okay, like I said not a big chapter. Not enough Treadward, I know..I know. But next chapter its all his pov so YAY!**

**I would love to rec an insane new fic by Littlechoo, Sense of Self. I get to be her reader and have the privy to read up to chap 7 and OMG, it's good!**

**www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5277766/1/**

**All this is for my BFFF'ers too and if you like to join our fuckery please do, link in profile. **

**I'm also on twitter now (Larin20) please follow me-I will post teasers there as well and talk all things fic.  
**

**So what do you think Alice and Jasper are up to now? And yes, I mentioned Mike *wink*.**

**Leave me some sugar!!  
**


	13. Patriotism

**A/N**

**Hey Larin20! Your posting twice in a week? What gives? **

**Well, it's because I love all of you! I really really do:) A lot of you liked last chapter and I'm planning on having more Phone-y Business chapters to come. It helps tell a part of the story that E and B can't without going into a whole POV chapter. **

**Thanks again to everyone who is reading and reviewing, especially all the sweethearts that remain quiet and don't review but I know your reading. I didn't hear much from you guys last chapter, so break out of that lurker shell and leave me some love. I'll love you back with a teaser. Or you can head over to the Twilighted thread, link in profile. **

**Also the end of the Lurkers Challenge is Saturday! So please if your writing a one shot, get it done and send it over. MissAlex and I are itching to start reading all the entries! **

**Big Thanks to MissAlex for beta'ing for me again. She really is my Master of Content and my constant BFF. I really can't do it without you! **

**Chapter 12 -Patriotism.**

_**Edward**_

_I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America..._

God, it smells so good in here.

_And to the Republic for which it stands......._

It's not so much the vanilla and strawberries of Bella's scent that tore me apart, but also the faint trace of citrus she emitted. It made me think of food. I was fucking hungry. Hungry for what? Well, I knew the answer to that but God help me I wasn't about to taste what was now making my mouth water.

_And to the republic for which it stands…for which it stands...stands..._

I couldn't think of the next part.

Jesus, it's the Pledge of Allegiance for crying out loud.

_One Nation...._

That's it_...._

_One Nation....One Nation..._

Holy fucking shit, man! Get a grip on yourself for the love of all things sane!

I tapped the steering wheel with my index fingers, impatiently.

"This is not hard to remember," I murmured.

I squeezed my eyes shut momentarily just to see if I could jog my memory. I said that fucking anthem every day of my adolescent life - why was it now, when I tried to distract myself, that I drew a blank?

_One Nation..._

"One Nation...." I said to myself quietly, glancing over at Bella, knowing she couldn't hear me. She was too busy singing along to whatever the fuck she was listening to on her iPod.

_One Nation... _

I started to recite anything that came to mind just to keep myself occupied while Bella did all of her cute shit she did.

The way she hummed along to the songs she listened to, the way her fingers tapped on the door, and the way her lips pouted when she forgot the words.

Really, I was surprised I hadn't taken my gun out of my ankle holster and shot myself in the head. She was killing me.

I tore my gaze from her, reluctantly. I tried to focus on the road ahead of me.

_One Nation..._

"Fuck!" I whispered, looking at Bella again. She was now in the process of untying her shoelaces. I knew what was next. Shaking my head slightly, I waited.

Then it happened. I was right.

Bella took off her shoes and planted her bare feet on the dash.

She had a book in her hands and her ear buds were still in place. Her toenails were painted with purple sparkles. She had sparkly toes! It was too damn cute and borderline sexy, but it also peeved me off a little because only thirteen year old girls wore purple glitter on their toenails. Her big toe wiggled just a smidge and I was instantly entranced by her little feet. They were small and her toes stubby.

I always made fun of her toes. She never considered them feminine enough and hated to wear any type of shoe that exposed "the stubs" as she called them. I bet only five people on this great earth were ever privy to look upon her feet. I was one of them. She didn't seem to mind that she was exposing them to me now. Even if it was just her toes, it told me she still felt comfortable enough around me that she didn't think to hide. I really wished I could wipe the goofy grin that spread across my face, but I couldn't.

I was fucking doomed.

_One Nation..._

I tapped my left foot repeatedly on the rippled floor mat. I was going to think of this stupid anthem all damn day if I had to, in order to get it right. My heavy foot tapped away again to the rhythm of the passing dotted lines of the highway. Those dotted lines were invisible music to my ears that my foot helplessly kept time with. But the distraction wasn't working as well as I hoped. I even thought back to the imaginary friend I used to take with me on long care trips with my parents.

He was a giant rabbit I named Rosco. He would hop on the side of the road at the same speed as our family car, jumping over any obstacle he came across. He was the constant that I stared at through my window as a boy. Just for the hell of it, I glanced to my left out my window, looking for Rosco like I used to. All I saw were cow pastures and old abandoned oil pumps. He was long gone so I resorted back to the stupid anthem that I couldn't remember.

_One Nation..._

_One Nation, under God..._

That's it!

I blew out a sigh of relief.

"_One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all._"

I said it a little louder with a smile, pretty damn proud of myself. I slapped the steering wheel and looked over at Bella ready for some congratulations but absentmindedly, I forgot I was trying to keep this to myself. Of course, I caught her attention and she turned to me, smiling, reflecting my unintended one.

"What did you say?" Bella asked, taking out her left ear bud.

My heart jumped out of my chest because I really hadn't meant for her to hear me. My palms grew sweaty because I was caught. Instantly my mind raked over every conceivable lie I could think of, and of course, nothing popped in when I needed it. I watched the painted lines on the road trying to focus. Finally, I realized that I couldn't come up with anything worthy to say so telling her nothing would have to suffice.

"I didn't say anything," I lied through my teeth.

What the hell would I say?

_Oh, don't mind me, I was just reciting the Pledge of Allegiance so I could get my mind off of you and all the cute shit you're doing only inches away from me." _

_Umm, no._

"Really, I could've sworn you said something. I was between songs and I thought I heard you say something about justice." She looked at me with her eyes big, questioning me.

"I was talking to myself." I replied, trying to appease her. She could tell when I lied. She always could. I wasn't much of a liar. In fact, I never lied to her. I was never able to keep a secret from her either. Every birthday present was hopeless to hide from her. Just seeing her react to what I just said already told me she's wasn't buying it.

"Then why did you say you didn't say anything when, in fact, you did? I can tell you're lying. I know that face, Edward Masen." She smiled, easing the jab she sent me.

I tried to avoid her hard stare and pearly teeth, as I knew she wasn't going to remove her eyes from me until I answered her question. I wished my fucking mantra was still working because this shit was going to get old and I felt myself snapping with every mile. I didn't want to be mean to her, especially since it seemed this trip was going to be longer than I expected.

"Not everything I say is meant for you to hear. The world doesn't revolve around you Bella."

_Only my world does_, I added to myself.

I instantly felt like a jerk.

What the fuck was wrong with me? Fighting with Bella wasn't going to solve anything. She looked hurt and taken aback that I put her in her place. She really didn't deserve to be spoken to that way. She was right. I lied to her. The shit I pulled made me seem like the biggest prick when really, I needed to make nice and not let my inner frustrations with the way she smelled and how she looked, affect my better perspective.

Her face fell and I would have done anything to catch her grin before it faded, leaving her complexion ashen and her expression full of sadness. She focused back on her book and put her ear bud back in her ear.

"Just don't lie to me," she said in a small voice. I turned back to the road and nodded.

"Today was the first time I ever lied to you," I whispered, just loud enough for myself to hear.

First, it was my phone, and now the Pledge of Allegiance. Really, the latter was just a white lie but my phone was a flat out big whopper lie. When it happened, my ears burned, giving me away.

Why couldn't I just let everything go and tell her the truth about Jess? It would save me the fucking trouble of hiding my phone or changing the picture of Jess and me that I had stored. But for some unknown asinine reason I wanted to keep that picture so close to me like I was clinging to something tangible. Yes, I should of changed the picture just to protect my own ass, but by holding the phone in my hand and knowing that I could flip the phone open anytime to see Jess's face gave some comfort. It also was the wrong kind of comfort too. Jess was everything that Bella wasn't. But it wasn't everything I needed too. I was desperate and it scared me that I was finally admitting to myself that I may of wanted Bella more then I should considering what I now know of Jake. I had the smallest inkling that there was a chance now. I was being so masochistic. Why would I through myself over to Bella again just to get hurt?

Jess's picture was still my lifesaver in this deep pool of regret that I couldn't tread water in. So why do I continue to lie to myself and to Bella?

I already knew the answer – self-preservation.

This trip was only hours old and so far we already tried to kill each other and I almost kissed her. I thought that it would be simple, trying to avoid any close contact with Bella, but the closed confines of the truck proved to be just a tomb. Her scent permeated the whole cab from the moment she shut the door. I found myself angry that I let mostly indecent thoughts creep into my sick mind. I kept my hand firm on my cell phone, willing it to give me some sort of resistant power but every time I gave it a little squeeze or looked down at the picture of Jess and I, I caught Bella out of the corner of my eye, watching me.

Everything started out innocent enough. We both had no idea what to say to one another and then tension started to choke me. Just when I was about to say something completely idiotic, Bella beat me to it.

She started asking about Charlie and I thought I was going to lose it. I was not prepared for this normal conversation, especially when it concerned Charlie and his health. I was his primary caregiver for so long and passing the torch to his daughter which was the right thing to do, was the most heart wrenching thing.

It had been too long and I had no idea what Bella was like anymore. How she was dealing with Charlie and the cancer was something I thought about often. Charlie never spoke of what Bella felt when she was with him, in honor of my wishes, but now I wished he had. I had been so selfish for so long with my own juvenile hang-ups.

She wanted to know how Charlie conned me into coming and I, in no way, was going to explain that fucked up situation to her. I really just wanted to laugh at myself with all the reasons that ran through my head.

_I am here due to the fact that Jess's face morphed into you when I was about to cum._

_I am here because when Charlie told me you were engaged I had a major panic attack, knowing it wasn't going to be me you were going to marry. _

_I am here in what seemed like a good idea at the time, to reach some sort of closure that I convinced myself I could get with you if I could repel your Jedi mind tricks and fuckawesome smell. _

_Finally, I am here because I miss the shit out of you and for the last time in my life, I want you all to myself before I have to let you go again for good. _

Yeah, that wouldn't exactly go over well so I just told her that Charlie said exactly what I needed to hear. No further explanation.

I scratched my stubbled chin and rolled down the window to help clear my head. The fresh air of Illinois smelled like grass and manure. At least it was warm enough not to chill us both because I wanted to keep it down for awhile. My hair grazed across my forehead and the echo of the rushing air whistled in my ears. Bella changed position and tucked one foot underneath her thigh. She placed her book down, and rested her head against her seat, closing her eyes.

"Is this too much?" I asked, gesturing to the open window. Stray hairs blew across her face as she looked over to me.

"It's fine. I like the breeze on my face. It feels good." She rested her head back against the head rest and closed her eyes again. She looked peaceful and content. We hadn't talked much since we left Chicago and right now was the first time I didn't feel any apprehension when talking to her.

At last, things had calmed down enough for us to be cordial with each other. The start of the trip really had me on the brink and I couldn't help but think that Bella was really annoyed with everything I did. Either that or really interested. Shit, I was interested too, but like hell was I going to let that be apparent.

I had a weakness though and it came in the form of Bella's legs. They were beautiful. Even though she was wearing jeans, I could still make out the fine form of her thigh and the curve of her calf. When God invented tight jeans, he must have been thinking of me looking at Bella. I owed Him one.

She caught me transfixed on them and immediately, I had to vent my frustration on something or the boner I just tented was going to start to steer the wheel. So I rubbed the shit out of the steering wheel as I drove. My palms grew hot as I rolled them over and over.

My body was so stiff with guilt from leaving Charlie behind. I snapped at Bella when she just was asking simple questions. All that came to my head was that I had to protect my phone. I caught her stealing glances in between my legs where I clutched it with a death grip. Alice said something about Bella not having her phone but I didn't really know what she meant by that or why that was. All I did know was that there was no way in hell she was going to use mine.

Of course, I was going to lie to her about my phone. There was no way in the world I was going to let her use it while the picture of Jess was still on it. And especially if I knew I wasn't strong enough to even change the screen saver. I was still mentally kicking myself for that one. Why didn't Jess just take a Polaroid? I could of hid that nicely in my pocket or wallet. I finally decided it was the worst idea on the books concerning the picture. When we stopped to get gas I would take the first moment I had and change the screen saver. If Bella expected to use my phone I had to buck up and be a man. Not cower behind a misused picture. Besides, Jess and Bella didn't have a good relationship. So lying to Bella for the first time in my entire existence was crucial. It would only be a little longer until I could change the picture. I felt like shit about it.

Then my stupid marble mouth started talking shit and I let it slip that I knew Bella was engaged. She seemed surprised but tried not to let it show. I really didn't want her thinking that it was why I was here with her. It was part of the reason but I didn't want her to know that. But it was out there now and I just offered my congratulations like a decent human being and left it at that.

Again, I bit her head off when she tried to poke fun at Charlie's health even though I knew it was her defense mechanism when things got too hairy. She forced back tears and I scolded myself for being an ass yet again. So I reasoned with myself that Bella was just as emotional and downtrodden as I was, and I decided to relay what Emmett told me about Charlie's status. I just told her that his health wasn't a laughing matter and blah blah blah. My head started to ache again. Slowly, I rubbed the back of my neck trying to ease the tension.

That's when the downward spiral started.

Bella scared the shit out of me and made me pull off the road. We were only five miles out and she had me stopping on the side of the road, on an on-ramp of all places - one of the most dangerous places to pull over. It annoyed me that I let her touch me because her forceful hold on my forearm killed my resolve. Her hand on my arm felt like fire and madness. It spread throughout my whole body and landed in my crotch. My chest rumbled with betrayal because my dick, yet again, was rock solid.

Fucking anatomy!It had a mind of its own.

Then I watched as the words fell out of her mouth in slow motion.

"_Charlie didn't tell you that we're going to Renee's first." _Her lips went into a tight smile as she appraised my reaction.

Going to Denver to see Renee?

What do I say? What do I do? How in the hell do I get myself out of this one?

Seeing the woman who effectively ripped Charlie apart and forced her only daughter to think her life was worth less than shit because she wanted to stay close to home and me was not on the agenda in my books.

I rubbed my temples trying to think of a way to make this situation turn in my favor because there was no chance in Hades that I was going to Renee's. She would probably make me draw my feelings or something.

So I decided that no reaction would be the best reaction. I was getting good at avoidance. It was becoming my trademark.

But, of course, Bella threw it in my face that this was supposed to be _her_ trip and if Emmett was here they would be going.

_Whatever_.

I couldn't go to Renee's. I just couldn't. There was no guarantee that I wouldn't say or do something that would make me lose my badge.

Fucking hippy bitch!

Renee Swan was dead to me for all I cared. I wasn't mad at Bella. I was mad at the situation.

But as Alice's words repeated in my head over and over - 'indulge her' – I still said something to Bella that I wished I hadn't.

"_She broke Charlie and took away what I cared for most!"_

I meant all of it too. Charlie was never the same man after Renee left him. Charlie and I formed an unspoken kinship and I would do anything in my power to protect that relationship. But right now I was being tested by Bella. But God, why did I say the last part? I was slowly giving myself away and I was going to win goddammit!

As I thought about this_, _I hadn't realized that my body gravitated to within an inch of her sweet face and intoxicating breath. I just made a monument confession about Rene and why I hated her as it was in direct result of Bella leaving me all those years ago. As she looked upon me with heavy breath and her chest moved up and down, it was so easy to let myself just go. Just let go and give in.

Thinking back on it now, it was so easy to let my whole upper half lean into Bella's like nothing ever changed. It felt so natural and safe. It reminded me of seeing an old friend but really wanting more. I was so carried away in the moment, that I never noticed what kind of self control I had. Obviously not much considering I was practically on top of Bella, breathing down her expectant face and round eyes.

I stared at her, up and down, memorizing every line on her face. Her lips were chapped and my tongue begged me to moisten them. The energy that flowed from us dragged me closer and closer to her. I never in my life wanted to kiss someone so badly. It wasn't like I never kissed Bella before or that this was a first kiss kind of thing, but I still felt nervous.

The urge was uncontrollable. It was needier than I felt on New Years. Maybe because she had been challenging me the whole morning and my strength was starting to fall, but this need was nothing I'd felt for anyone -_ ever_. I didn't care about our past anymore and I didn't think about what a kiss would do to our future. Nothing mattered in that split second. So I leaned in, zeroing in on her pink, delectable lips. Her head wavered just slightly before I felt her hands on my chest.

"_Back off!"_

Her words stung in my ears and reverberated throughout the truck like I was standing in a cave.

I got my ass over to my side of the cab and pulled down my shades to hide the fucking embarrassment.

_What the fuck was I thinking? _

Not only did I feel my raging erection press against my zipper; I had to remind myself that we both were lied to, so of course she wasn't going to come running to me with open arms. Then I told myself that I had to put myself aside for once and think of Charlie and what he would say if he heard how I was acting around his daughter. He would kick my ass.

So I made an honest promise to myself that I would try to make this trip not just about me and my stupid closure. Bella was right. She hadn't seen her mother in years and I understood how hard it was to be without your parents. So I "indulged' her and agreed to go to Renee's. The excitement on her face was priceless, like I just gave her a puppy or something.

Then the next bit was kind of a blur. I wasn't prepared for more changes so I snapped.

She had this whole trip planned out and if I knew Bella at all she probably had a fucking folder full of travel information for the whole trip back to Forks.

Cue big thick blue folder.

But I had to admit, when I saw it, I felt pretty smug.

I still knew my girl.

But St. Fucking Louis?

There was no way in hell I was going to stop there and go up in the Arch. I really thought I could do anything she wanted me to do, but the Arch was fucking huge. And by that I mean, it's a tall motherfucker. I almost ran off the road with the thought of the height of it, followed by falling…then the memory of the darkness of the ocean swallowing me whole. It gave me goosebumps thinking back to how I almost lost my life. It was too high, there was no way. None.

I panicked.

I argued.

I yelled.

She yelled back.

Back and forth.

Cat and Mouse.

Tom and Jerry.

She wouldn't listen.

She made me so insane.

She made me feel alive again. I shivered.

I hated it and loved it. It made my hard, again.

Then she almost fucking killed us!

Bella pulled the most pathetic, dangerous attempt to win her way by almost killing us on the highway. Pushing her foot down on the brake pedal while I was easily going sixty made the truck jerk to an immediate stop and I felt the give of the trailer behind us that carried Bella's piece of teal shit car. I was sure I jack-knifed it. I braced myself for a ten car pile up but luckily I recovered quickly and accelerated faster than I thought. I glared out my rear view mirror to make sure we weren't dragging the trailer with the car and miraculously, it was still upright.

I was a mix of livid and horrified that she would pull such a fucking stupid stunt. Again with the challenging! We couldn't of died. We could of killed other people. These are the things that ran through my head. But mostly I thought, if we had an accident now Bella would get hurt. She was being selfish, as was I.

Where had this new Bella come from?

She pulled every string I had and I was fighting back just as hard. But during this whole debacle, she fucking turned me on more than I wanted to admit to myself. I was so fucking cocked and ready the whole time we argued and I needed to either whack it out in a stall of a dirty bathroom at some random road stop or throw some cold water on my dick to put out the fire.

So I did what any reasonable hard headed (excuse the pun) macho male would do. I pushed her buttons right back. I forced the truck to go beyond its limits, forcing the whole thing to shake like there was an earthquake. Of course, I played dirty. I loved it and I really loved this new side of our relationship, or whatever it was called. Maybe it was excitement, but after I slowed the truck down as per Bella's insistence, the whole fucked up thing she did with the brake pedal was all forgotten. I could hear the regret and shame in her voice as she apologized. It soften me up just like I thought it would. She still did that to me.

So I agreed to this one stop. I had to suck it up. I repeated over and over in my head that the Arch wasn't as fucking huge as it seemed. I could just let Bella go up alone. No one said I had to go, right?

Fuck me and my fears!

Again, Alice's words replayed in my head - "indulge her." Why was this sticking so well to my conscious? I didn't have to do anything with this girl except deliver her unharmed back home. But for some reason, I felt compelled to give in.

I knew what Bella was going through. She was losing her father and this trip was her last bit of oxygen before she was going to be suffocated with hospitals, treatments, medicine, routines, and lastly death. With Alice's words, I understood why she meant them for me. I was her last hope for any normalcy before her life was going to be turned upside down.

Not that you can call today normal by any means. In a way I was giving her a gift and Alice knew exactly what she was doing.. It was apparent that Alice knew more than she let on. She didn't tell Bella that I was the one coming but she knew it was important to lie to her and get her to get in the car with me. Why? What did Alice have to do with anything. She talked to Charlie, that was apparent but I sensed there was more.

Casually, I looked across the cab at Bella who was still engrossed in her book, humming along to whatever she was listening to on her iPod.

I extended my arm and pulled one ear bud out of her ear, "We need to stop and get gas. We might make it to Missouri on what we have but I don't want to chance it."

Bella looked up and blushed, "Oh, sure. I have to go pee anyway."

"Me too, and I'm hungry. I haven't eaten all day."

Bella gasped. "Why didn't you tell me you were hungry? I have some snacks in my bag." She pulled her duffle bag into her lap. "Let's see…I have fruit roll-ups, licorice, Fun Dip, potato chips, and a bag of Hot Fries."

I laughed at her selection. "My body might die from shock if I eat that crap."

But hell, Hot Fries sounded good.

"Stuff it, Masen. I know you love this stuff. What are you, Mr. Goodbody now?" she teased with a raise of her eyebrows.

"I try to keep in good shape." I shrugged, as I make my turn off the exit.

She smirked. "So I see. You must work out. Well, I know you did but it's doing you good." she finished and blushed bright crimson.

She took the other ear bud out of her ear and set her book down before putting her shoes back on and avoiding my eyes. This new Bella was bold. I kinda liked it. A lot.

So I played along.

"What are you, checking me out?" I joked as I looked down at her chest which seemed to be calling my name. _Property of Forks Pd_, had my name written all over it.

"Like you haven't checked me out," she huffed, playing along. "And I'm not going to pretend to ignore the fact you were looking at my tits when you just said that."

_Fuck!_

"Fine, I'll admit it. I looked at your legs and tits today."

_Among other things too._

"I'm a man, it's what we do. What's your excuse?"

I hoped that old Bella would come forward and shy away from our bold conversation. I wasn't sure I was ready to admit the full extent of why I was openly ogling her.

"Memories, I guess. You make me remember some things…old times," She looked into my eyes with such intensity it reminded me of when things were good between us. I turned away as I pulled into the truck stop, trying to not think of the hold this girl still had on me after all this time. She was completely serious too - with no hint of sarcasm. I really didn't know what to say to that either.

_Thanks? Or you're welcome?_

Was she remembering because she wanted to or because I provoked her to?

So many thoughts ran through my head at that moment.

I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat as I placed the truck into park beside the gas pump, "I'm going to fill 'er up. Do you want anything?" She still hadn't taken her eyes off me and I felt my own cheeks turn red. _Who was the bashful one now?_

"No, I'm going inside," she replied, opening the door.

The quiet click of the door closing brought me out of my thoughts. I watched as she headed into the gas station. Her ass looked so good as she walked away and her hair moved back and forth over her shoulders. A gentle breeze danced around me and I swore that amongst the mix of diesel fuel and truck exhaust, I smelled the vanilla and strawberries in the air from Bella. I sucked it in like it was lifeblood and I felt my nostrils mold to my nose at the intensity of how hard I inhaled. I couldn't get enough, ever.

I shook my head as I exited the truck. My head was too far in the clouds and I had to get it grounded. Placing the nozzle into the gas tank, I looked towards the gas station. I wasn't far away so I could see Bella inside as I stood next to her car hitched up on the back of the truck.

She pulled hats off a rack and tried them on. I thought she looked cute as she inspected each hat before placing it on her head. She laughed and took two hats with her as she went to the checkout. Forcing myself to look away, I concentrated on the pump rolling off the amount of gas I pumped into the vehicle.

Then my phone chirped. I had my phone in my hand already as I glanced down, flipping it open.

_Jess: Where are you at?_

I rolled my eyes

Fuck.

She was going to be pissed. I couldn't lie to Jess but opting to tell her the truth was scaring the shit out of me. Would she understand why I was doing what I was doing? Probably not. Of course I would have to explain it all to her to get her to fully understand the situation, but right now I didn't have the time because Bella would be back soon. I didn't want to get caught talking on the phone. Plus I almost forgot to change the screen saver. Shit I gotta do that.

_Getting close to St. Louis, stopped for gas. This thing is a hog. I'm stocking up on beef jerky. -E_

That was funny. Maybe if I lighted up the mood she wouldn't get pissed that I was going off course from my initial plan.

_Jess: St Louis? WTF?_

Okay, that didn't fucking work. I looked up to see if Bella was coming. She was at the checkout, so I had some time.

_Nice mouth ;) We are detouring, going to Renee's. I'm alright w/it.-E_

I pulled the pump out of the gas tank and replaced it back to the holster. Bella walked back to the truck and I freaking panicked, hoping she didn't see me typing on my phone. Damn it, she was quick. I didn't even notice she left the store inside. Just when I thought I was good to go and ready to change my screen saver, my phone chirped again right when she rounded the side of the car. I turned away from Bella and looked down at my phone.

_Jess: Don't let her control you!_

"Fuck, Jess!" I whispered through clenched teeth.

She was pissing me off. I never promised that I would make it through but if she was going to get mad and ordering me around, we were going to have problems. I heard Bella clear her throat behind me. I quickly typed away on my phone with one hand, and ripped off the receipt for the gas purchase with the other.

_I can take care of myself! WTF Jess!-E_

I dropped my phone on the ground while it was still open. I saw the picture slowly bounce with the phone up and down until it settled. I looked up hoping that Bella was wasn't watching.

I picked up and snapped my phone shut, ready to stuff it into my pocket, when Bella came up to my side. She held a plastic bag filled with shit. She placed a hand on her hip and squinted at me,

"Were you just texting?" she asked suspiciously.

"Yes," I replied, not offering up any more information. I opened the truck's door. It creaked with age. Avoid, avoid and avoid some more. I didn't have time to switch the picture out! My palms started to sweat as I gripped the handle of the door.

Her plastic bag rustled.

"Uh huh…anyway…here, I got you this."

She pushed a hat into my hands. It was one of those ugly ass trucker hats. The brim was navy and the cap itself had _Honk if you're Horny _written across the front of it.

"Honk if you're Horny?" I chuckled, surprised she got me that. Hell, if I went by what this hideous thing said, I would be honking the damn horn relentlessly. She smiled and pulled out another hat from her bag and placed it on her head. Her hat was red and white and said _Dead Sexy_.

She smiled. "I thought they were funny. You can have this one if you want."

She took off her hat and handed it to me.

I laughed again. "Nah, it's okay. I'm pretty much horny all the time so it's...fitting. Thanks for getting it for me."

Really, she could keep her damn hat because it was perfect for her. Bella was dead sexy in every way. I immediately felt pains of guilt for even thinking that. I just heard from Jess not even a minute ago, and here I was flirting with Bella.

She blushed and looked up at me as she put her hat back on. "It's no big deal," she shrugged. "I felt bad for making you do all of this for me. So this is really the least I could do."

"Oh ya, I agree that's the least you're doing." I laughed, stepping up on the foot rail of the truck.

"Wait, let me in first. I'm going to crawl across to my side." She nudged me out of the way without waiting for my reply. She pulled herself up, holding onto the door. She placed one knee on the seat next to the steering wheel then she fucking bent over, displaying her ass right in my face. I admired it earlier but now that it was right in front of me, I almost fucking lost it. Then holy fuck, she stopped and looked back at me with a bat of her eyelashes.

I wanted to honk the horn like a fucking madman because yes, the hat was ringing very true right now. As she sat down on her side, she flashed me a smug grin telling me she knew exactly what she did to me. I placed the hat on my head because two could play this game.

Then I readjusted my wood in my pants.

"How much was gas?" Bella asked as I took my seat.

Looking back at the pump, I shrugged. "Um, sixty-two dollars."

I closed the door and put on my seat belt. We never talked about how we would split the expenses but I didn't care if I paid for gas the whole way. It wouldn't make any difference to me. This wasn't about money anyway.

"I paid with my credit card," I added. I knew Bella was never one to accept kindness well, or anything for that matter, valued more than what she could buy at the dollar store. So I knew I was asking for it.

"You're not paying for gas, Edward! You shouldn't have to," she protested, throwing her hands in the air to stress her point.

I was right.

I sighed because really, I knew this was coming and I should have known better, but I also knew that I was a sucker for punishment. "It was a paid pump anyway, so it's fine. I don't care. It's just money."

Of course that wasn't a good enough answer.

"To you it's just money but to me it's about responsibility and you're not responsible for me." She reached into her pocket and fished for what I guessed was money. But I didn't want it.

I held my phone tightly in my hand because there was an argument brewing and fighting with Jess through text messages while I fought with Bella in person was starting to wear me thin.

"I'm responsible for you," I argued. "Because Charlie trusts me to bring you back safely. So if that means I pay for one measly tank of fucking gas, then so be it. Please don't argue and just accept my fucking charity!"

Shit! There I go running my mouth off again.

Her eyes narrowed as she got ready to rip me a new one. Her hands grounded into the sides of her thighs and she turned to face me.

"Are you insinuating that I can't afford to pay for gas, Edward?"

"No! Fuck no!" I brought my hands to my face and rubbed my jaw. "That's not what I mean. I meant that you don't need to worry about stuff like that right now. You have a lot going on. I don't mind doing it. So please just let me." I was exhausted.

"Edward, you don't have to take care of me," she said breathlessly.

She didn't want me to feel like I was obligated to do stuff for her. But the truth was that I would always be obligated no matter what happened between us. It was always like that with us. Even if we never spoke to each other again during this trip, if she ever needed me, I would be there. For all those years I avoided her, trying to make her into nothing but a distant memory to me, but seeing her today made me realize that my attempt was in vain.

"Yes, I have to," I replied. It just felt right. It was like taking care of her was my duty in life. It was the closure I yearned for and the freedom I had to rekindle.

Bella opened her mouth to fight back but my phone rang, interrupting me. We both looked down at my hand.

"Who is it?" she asked.

I looked down at the caller ID. "It says unknown." I shrugged my shoulders.

"Well you better not talk long since you have no battery, remember," she spoke sarcastically with a roll of her eyes. She released the tight grip on her thighs and her whole body started to relax. I had no choice so I answered the phone as I placed the key into the ignition.

"Hello?"

"Hello?" a deep male voice replied.

"Ya?"

"Emmett?"

My eyebrows furrowed as I thought why in the hell was someone calling my phone asking for Emmett. But then I realized that this was probably one of Emmett's students from school. He always put up a contact list so his students could call him and he listed my number in case of an emergency.

"No. This is Edward, who's this?"

There was a long pause. "Wrong number."

The line went dead. I shrugged my shoulders again and started the engine.

"Anyone important?" Bella asked as she cocked her eyebrows.

"Nah, just a wrong number."

I shifted the truck into drive and looked over at Bella who was waiting for me to continue. "Is that okay with you?" I added sarcastically.

"Sure. Just wondering who keeps contacting you. I saw you on the phone when I was walking up. I thought it was only for emergencies?"

Jesus, she was testing me. I knew I would have to explain myself.

Fuck that. I decided to be elusive.

"I got a call. End. Of. Story."

I turned the wheel and looked out my window, checking for oncoming traffic. I knew if I looked at her she would know I hid stuff from her. I felt my ears warm up.

_Damn you, traitor ears!_

I hoped she realized that I didn't want to talk about this anymore. I seriously didn't want to lie to her again.

"Okay, fine. I won't pry."

"Good." I breathed a sigh of relief. "Let's get on the road. St. Louis is not far, only about thirty miles and-"

My phone rang again. I looked at the number and it was the same one from before.

"Hello?" I asked, completely annoyed.

"Who is this again?" the deep voice replied.

The voice sounded familiar but I couldn't place who it belonged to. I had a feeling the guy on the other end thought the same thing.

"Who is this?" I retorted. I wasn't in the mood for beating around the bush.

"Shit. Nevermind."

The line went dead again. I snapped my phone shut and placed it on the bench seat next to my right thigh. I pulled down the visor with my right hand.

"Was that the same person?" Bella asked.

Before I could reply, she reached over and took my phone. I didn't have a chance to stop her. It was that super slow motion tunnel vision thing that prevented me from realizing what she was doing until it was too late.

Paralysis set in. My mouth hung wide open, and I couldn't move my arms from the wheel. In true slasher movie fashion, I prepared myself for a machete to appear in her hands to chop my head off because my worst nightmare was about to come true. Bella had my phone and as I watched her open it, I almost shit myself. Jess's picture was still on it!

"Maybe I'll recognize the number. I know it's been a long time since I've lived in Forks but I still-" She stopped and I cringed, knowing what she found.

She didn't say anything for a full minute. Yes, I counted. She was in shock – so was I as I waited for the backlash. All I knew was that I was still driving and not getting into an accident by the sheer will of God. A pothole in the road rocked the truck and shook Bella back into consciousness.

"Edward, I-" She stopped again.

I felt like I had to explain to her. Why? I had no clue. I never wanted Bella to know about Jess and now my plan was screwed. She looked confused and her mouth parted slightly. She looked out the window and back to the phone. She grazed her forefinger along the screen, over the photo, before tucking her other hand underneath her arm. She held the phone like it was as heavy as a brick. An exaggerated sigh escaped my lips. My hands were sweaty and I took my trucker hat off.

"Bella...."

"It was Jake that called." She snapped the phone shut and returned it to the place she snatched it from. "It was his number that came up on the caller ID. He didn't know I was with you, but I guess Alice gave him your number. I should call him later when we have your phone charger."

I nodded in agreement, unsure what to say next. I waited for her to ask about the picture but she didn't. Her eyes were glassy as she stared off into the space. She didn't say another word and she remained completely motionless.

It felt like an hour but in reality it was probably only five minutes before I got the balls to talk.

"Jake doesn't know you're with me?"

She flinched and placed the back of her hand against her mouth and rested her elbow on the door. She looked like she was going to be sick.

"Do you need me to pull over?" I asked.

She shook her head. "No, keep going."

"Are you sure? I can stop and get you some water. We can rest. Whatever you want."

I felt like I was overcompensating, but really, all I wanted to do was make things right again. Of all the times to be considerate, right now seemed to be the wrong time, but I needed to do it. I felt like a cheating boyfriend making it up to the woman I'd scorned, when really, I had nothing to hide. I was sure that seeing Jess on my phone surprised Bella, considering our history, but the past was the past. Bella had no right to be jealous.

But hell, I had no right to be jealous of her relationship with Jake but I was.

"No," she whispered.

"You're okay then?"

"No, I mean you're right. Jake didn't know I was with you." She took her folder out of her bag.

"Do you want to talk about it?" My fingers twitched as the urge to touch her face and comfort her assaulted me.

"No offense, Edward, but I feel a little weird talking to you about this."

She tucked a chunk of hair behind her ear and swallowed as she glanced over a piece of paper she pulled out of her folder.

"Did you know that the Arch is over 630ft tall?" she asked, obviously looking for a distraction. "You can stand two Statue of Liberties end on end and they would fit under the Arch."

"Really, I didn't know that." Truthfully, I was glad that she wanted to change the subject.

If I was the king of avoidance, then Bella was my queen.

**To all my BFF'ers and now Tweets! Follow me on Twitter, Larin20.**

**Leave me some sugar!!!**

**__________________________**______________________________________________


	14. Sink or Swim

**A/N**** So I have excuses why this took longer then I originally promised. I was lying and withering on my couch or complaining and moaning for the past three weeks. Walking pneumonia isn't fun. Just so you know. Don't wish that on my worst enemy. **

**So anyhoo....MissAlex is my wonderful beta, Master of Content Mastery and best friend! She puts sugar on my cereal and chocolate on my vanilla. **

**This chapter is dedicated to my fine friend and fellow kink master, Punkfarie. She knows why:)**

**SM owns it all.**

**Chapter 14: SINK OR SWIM**

_**Edward**_

She hadn't said a word.

I hadn't said a word, either.

What the fuck would I say?

_Hey Bella, did you happen to see my personal intimate picture or are you just freaking out because Jake called my phone and now he knows you're with me? _

If she saw Jess's picture, why the fuck should I care, right? I shouldn't. There was nothing wrong with my relationship with Jess. If you wanna call it that. I was still, in theory, using Jess to fulfill my own needs but Bella didn't have to know that. So I decided I wasn't going to explain myself. Why should I? It was none of her business. She had no lasting effect on my current or future relationships.

Shit.

Who was I kidding? I could convince myself over and over again that nothing she thought mattered, but I would be a fool to try and do so. I knew this because it bugged me that she remained silent and poised like nothing was bothering her.

Hell, 'bugged' was too weak a word. It was fucking torture, that's what it was.

I racked my brain trying to come up with some kind of legitimate way to start up a safe conversation. I didn't want to over think too much. I wanted to say something non-committal and irrelevant.

Casual.

"Do you still have those Hot Fries handy?" I asked with a little chuckle. I darted my eyes between the road and Bella's side of the cab.

_So fucking lame!_

I wanted to hit my forehead with the palm of my hand but like hell I was going to let Bella see that. But man, out of all the topics, _that's_ what I came up with?

"Uhh...." Bella replied lifelessly. Her face looked wounded. Empty. I felt incredible remorse that I made her feel that way. She looked tired and fragile as she handed me the bag of Hot Fries.

"Thanks, I... was...ahh... really hungry." I stammered as I took the bag from her.

_Lame. Again._

"I don't really eat these anymore." I continued. "It's funny you bought them. I forgot how much I liked them." I tried opening the bag using my teeth and one hand, while I steered with the other, but it wouldn't give.

"Fuck," I mumbled.

"Here!" Bella snatched the bag from my teeth and opened it easily. "I bought them at the truck stop because I remembered you ate these like crazy on the way to San Francisco," she confessed.

I smiled at her, hoping to get the same reaction back. But instead, she scowled and shot me a look of distaste. I clenched my brow in confusion, thinking what the hell did I do? She leaned back in her seat and resumed the silent treatment.

"Thanks, again," I said quietly. Bella waved her hand and dismissed me.

Her attitude made me so angry.

Was this over the picture? She had no right to be pissed off about that.

Fuck! This wasn't going to be easy. Why did I think this trip was going to be a cake walk? I was foolish if I thought Bella was not going to affect me.

I pushed the bag of Hot Fries to my side. I wasn't in the mood to eat anymore.

My phone lay next to my thigh where I put it after Bella handed it back to me an hour ago. I had no more use for it. My lifesaver - gone. I felt exposed. My future depended on that picture. Without that, I didn't have my anchor – the one thing keeping me from being completely consumed by Bella. But as I tried to focus on Jess, my littlest doubts turned into mountains of stress and insecurity.

I needed to know what Bella thought about what she saw – if she did, indeed, see the photo. This silence treatment bugged the hell out of me. I wanted her to say something. Hell, she could scream at me for all I cared. Anything! Talking about Hot fries wasn't cutting it.

She was driving me crazy.

**

Two hours later we were on the outskirts of St Louis. I was tired and the road looked blurry through my sleepy eyes.

During the last hour, I came to the conclusion that she obviously saw the damn photo. I was sure of that now. The whole time I hoped that she would make the slightest sound to indicate that this wasn't as big as I feared it to be. But she never peeped. Never sniffled. Never fucking budged. Her statuesque silhouette played havoc on my peripheral vision unbeknownst to her. She was unresponsive to my heavy sighs and over exaggerated hand movements as I turned the steering wheel.

I rubbed my forehead_, again_, as it seemed to be a new habit of mine. I wouldn't be surprised if I had permanent marks from my incessant head rubbing. My head just didn't feel right and I needed something - a release, maybe - something to get my mind off the constant fucking questions that continually plagued me.

I changed lanes, heading towards the downtown St. Louis exit from the Illinois side of the Mississippi. The traffic was light which was good because in my current stressed state, road rage would be hard to keep in check. The Arch was on our right. It overlooked the river with all its grandeur. Bella dropped her hands to her lap and leaned closer to the window, getting a better look. I turned my head quickly when she glanced at me. A smile formed on her lips, showing her excitement, and my own lips curled up in response.

The sky consisted of bright sepia colors and the cool air from my window tickled my nose as I smelled the aura of the city. The buildings were high, but not overpowering. It was obviously that there were no structures like the Hancock Building or Sears Tower in St. Louis. The city actually seemed quaint. It was still the bustling metropolis that I expected a city to be, but it was different from Seattle and Chicago. It was smaller, for sure, and less crowded. I could tell that right away.

The Arch towered over the riverfront and was situated at the gates to the city. It was the first thing I saw when we crossed the Mississippi river. It was menacing with its look of cold hard steel. The structure itself was an engineering marvel to behold. I could, at least, appreciate that aspect of it. But nothing was going to make me understand why in the hell they decided to build such a thing. I hated it already. My heart pounded just looking at it.

I sighed quietly, turning on my blinker and exiting right onto Market St.

I grimaced as I pulled into the parking lot, seeing that the lot was completely packed full of school buses and minivans. I looked over at Bella and her eyes were fixated on the steel beast ahead of us. I could tell she itched to get out of the car by the way she wrung her hands in anticipation. I would have thought it was adorable, like a child excited for Christmas, if I wasn't so pissed off that she hadn't said a word to me these past few hours.

I parked the truck and turned off the engine. The old truck hissed and clunked and I told myself I had to look into that later.

Taking off my sunglasses and putting them on the dash, I reached around the seat and pulled my jacket from behind me. Bella looked on as I rolled up the window. She eyed my jacket and I thought for a minute she would ask to use it, but she didn't. She gathered her purse and pulled the visor down to look in the mirror. She ran a finger over her bottom lip and I swore I started to salivate as I wished my tongue was that finger. She always tasted so good. She took out a small tube of Chapstick from her pocket and glided it along her full lips.

Fucking torture.

I was entranced by the movement of each stroke that passed over the very lips I wanted to lick.

Jesus! I had to cut this shit out. I was supposed to be mad here, right? Was that what I was? Mad? I hated the fucking silent treatment but maybe 'mad' wasn't the opportune word. Frustrated, maybe? Sexually frustrated?

Yeah, that was it.

That was a fact. I was so fucking hard all day because she flirted with me ruthlessly. She toyed with me without shame and I fucking loved and hated it at the same time.

I must have made a sound because Bella flinched and through her gaze in the mirror, she caught me staring. Again. She quickly dropped her hand and narrowed her eyes. I moaned and shook my head, annoyed that I let it happen again.

"Are you ready to get this over with?" I asked as I grabbed my phone and opened my door. She nodded curtly and opened her door to get out as well. She stood next to the car and stretched on her tip-toes, raising her arms to the sky. She took a deep breath and pulled her hair into a ponytail. I looked down at my phone in my hand, unsure of what I was about to do. But by this point I didn't have the sanctity anymore so I couldn't dwell on it. I flipped open my phone and took one last look at Jess and I snuggled together in the offending picture.

I pressed the menu button and my thumb hovered over 'delete'.

"Fuck, I'm so fucked." I mumbled under my breath as I pressed my thumb down, wiping away my one remainder tangible reminder of Jess.

With that picture gone, I only had the memory of her face and voice left. But even those memories seemed to be fading as Bella's image and voice took over my mind. The fleeting picture of Jess that I had in my brain was tainted now and I didn't know if it would last the remainder of the way home. But deleting the phone picture was a must. There wasn't any use in rubbing it in Bella's face whenever she had to use my phone. I didn't want to hurt her. I just wanted to move on. Jess was a good excuse but I couldn't keep stringing her along. I came to terms with the fact that she was nothing more than a distraction and that wasn't fair to her.

I ran my fingers through my tangled hair and checked my face quickly in the rear view mirror. I got out and closed my door behind me, making sure I locked it. Putting on my leather jacket, I walked ahead of Bella. I reached the entrance to the Jefferson Memorial Park, as the sign said, and turned around to check on her. She still stood by the truck. She hadn't followed me.

Bella walked along the length of her car hoisted on the trailer behind the U-Haul. She ran her forefinger lovingly over the hood and smiled. She stopped and bent over, whispering something to her car - like she was telling it a secret. It seemed so nonchalant – well, maybe to any passerby, but not to me. It was clear that she was in love with her teal piece of shit car. I knew that look.

I laughed because I did the same thing with my cars, or at least, I did at one time. I even named my cars. It was a thing that my dad and I did, just for fun. The last car we named was a souped up '69 Mustang Fastback that my father and I restored. We named her Betty after the Archie comics because she was a _Betty _through and through. That car was a piece of art and even after my father died, I couldn't part with it. It held too many memories – and not just memories of my father.

_Bella memories._

So it sat covered in my garage, begging to be driven. I didn't have the heart to take it out after my parents died and since Bella was gone, it only added to my need to hold onto it, yet keep it out of sight. I bought the pretentious Volvo with my inheritance. The Volvo was so not me, but at the time, I wanted something as far from the old me that I could find. So the Volvo worked fine.

Standing on the sidewalk, I waited for her to finish whatever silent conversation she was having with her car. She gave it a little tap and looked up at me while she quickly removed her hand and shoved it in her front pocket of her jeans. She blushed and walked up to me.

"What's her name?" I smirked, wondering if my presumption were correct. I knew Bella had to have named her car. No one loved on their car like that and didn't give it a name.

Bella's mouth gaped open in surprise. She looked like she was about to say something but she stopped herself and looked away from me. I willed her to say at least one thing, something. I begged her silently, hoping my cosmic mind vibrations broke through. The silent treatment was getting on my nerves and it was a simple question.

Frustrated, I raked my hand through my hair. "Will you at least talk to me? I didn't do anything. Please," I begged. I stepped closer to her, looking deep in her eyes, trying to express my need of contact of some kind. Bella took a step back. "What are you thinking? You have been so fucking quiet and I'm about to kill myself here."

Bella brought her hands to her face. "Edward, I..." Her voice trailed off and she buried her face in her hands.

"You what? Tell me!"

"God, Edward! You just make me so...so.....so...I don't know," she stuttered, bringing her hands down to her sides. Her face mirrored the stiffness of her body. I could feel the telltale heat coming off of her, signaling her frustrations.

"Are you mad at me?" I asked, even though she had no right to be mad.

"Ha! Are you really asking me that? If it was any other person in the world then..." The ringing of my phone from my pocket stopped her in mid-rant. I was semi-relieved. I knew what she was going to say.

"What fucking timing," I mumbled, fishing my phone out of my pants. I opened it and looked at the caller ID.

"I'll leave you alone to talk with _her_," Bella snarled as she turned away from me. I grabbed her elbow.

"It's not _her_, it's Charlie. Take it." I handed her the phone. Bella hesitated before accepting it from me. She glanced at the screen and her eyes widened. She obviously noticed that the offending photo from earlier had been removed. She recovered fast and pressed send to answer the phone.

"Hello, dad?" she answered, looking at me with one eyebrow cocked. "Dad, hold on." Bella put the phone against her leg, "Can I have a minute?" she asked.

"Sure. I'll just, ah...go over there for a while," I replied, thumbing behind us. I turned to walk away, but stop fast, and leaned close to her. "Bella, don't think that this conversation is over. Far from it." I brushed her hair behind her ear and goose bumps erupted on her skin. She shivered and faced me.

"Wouldn't dream of it, Masen," she smirked.

She turned and walked back towards the parking lot. She leaned against her car and I turned around. What was that all about? She couldn't be fucking serious? She was mad! Priceless!

Fucking woman!

I bent my neck side to side, trying to loosen up the strained muscles from sitting for so long. My neck and head ached. This felt like too much for one day. Too much emotional turmoil. I wanted to tell her that being mad was not going to change anything. Really, nothing at all. Nothing was going to change. Not a thing. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

_AHH!_

She got me so manic sometimes. I second guessed everything when I was with Bella.

I was going to let this roll off my back for now. I was tired and I really needed some fucking sleep. I hadn't had a good night's rest in two days. She was either going to have to drive after we finished here or we would have to stop somewhere. A Red Roof Inn would do wonders right about now. My head swam with thoughts of scratchy sheets and lumpy pillows. It sounded like heaven.

I made my way through the park towards the Arch entrance and walked for at least five minutes. I didn't know how long she needed to talk to Charlie,but we needed to get things moving. If I wanted to keep any form of a schedule, this stop had to be quick. I was annoyed still that we were here, but I had to get over it. My original plan was already shot to hell. At this rate, it was going to take us a week to get back home.

I had some questions to ask Charlie, but I wasn't going to harp on her moment. I understood what the old man was trying to do. He wanted some semblance before he died and in his mind, he would achieve that by reuniting Bella and I. That was the reason for the fucking secrets and deception. I couldn't wrong a man for trying. If he asked me to come to Chicago for Bella under the real pretences, I probably would've come anyway. That's the sick thing. Now that I was with Bella again, it just felt right. Even with all the awkward bullshit and the fact that I was the biggest asshole, I didn't regret taking her home.

I turned around and walked back along the sidewalk. Bella stood in the distance still talking on the phone. Must be some conversation! Her arms flayed around and her gestures were animated. I was sure Charlie would tell me what they fought about if I asked. Bella began pacing back and forth so fast I wondered if she was going to get dizzy. Whatever she was saying had to be negative, judging from the way she was acting. I felt sorry for Charlie. He didn't deserve to get beat up on. I understood him, better than Bella knew. I decided I was going to talk to her about it. She had to understand that Charlie didn't put us in this situation. We did.

A little girl with long flowing brown hair walked past me with her father as I watched Bella. I heard the little girl say, "Daddy, I can't wait to go all the way up there! We get to ride the train, right, daddy?"

That was all I needed to hear. If this kid was excited about it, then it couldn't be that bad, right? It was time to face the monster. I turned around begrudgingly and stopped dead in my tracks.

Slowly, I craned my head up as far as I could to see what the hell all the fuss was about. I tried to calm myself down.

_It's just a giant arch._

My palms deceived me and started to sweat. Beads of perspiration rolled down the small of my back as I kept thinking that the Arch was really fucking high off the ground. I wasn't going to let the panic sweep over me or give Bella have any indication that I was scared shitless of heights. She never really knew and I never really told anyone.

It manifested itself about a year ago.

For shits and giggles one day, Emmett, Jaz, and I went cliff diving out at First Beach in La Push. All three of us stood on the edge of the cliff, just shooting the breeze after taking our first jump.

I felt safe and confident that I knew what the hell I was doing. I didn't take into account that Emmett didn't know how to control his massive limbs as he ranted on and on about some story involving Rose and applesauce. I thought back to that day.

_I was half listening, and half staring into the ocean. It memorized me for some reason. Feeling like I had no care in the world for once, I relished in the feeling of air on my skin and the salt on my tongue. Summer was so close and our wet suits would not be needed soon. I loved feeling the water run over my skin almost as much as I loved the smell of my mother as she stroked my hair before bed when I was a child. I was happy. I acknowledged it for the first time in what seemed like forever. I didn't worry about what I was going to do that evening or the next day, all I wanted right then was to just remember that some days were happy ones. It was possible to be happy again._

_  
"Whatever, man! You really don't know shit." Jasper fought back, furrowing his brows._

_As I inhaled the crisp air, Emmett retold his story with vigor and animation. His arms swung out from his sides. "Dude, Rose was so into it. I couldn't take it anymore, you know? She just slathered the applesauce all over my chest and then started to lick it off. Ugh! It was chunky with cinnamon too....I think it was Mott's or some shit." Emmett always boasted, unashamedly, about his and Rose's sexual escapades._

_"Can you please spare us? I have to look at her when we get home," Jaz pointed out._

_"Shut up, Jaz! You're just jealous that you don't have a fine ass lady like Rose to roll around in some sauce with." Jaz crossed his arms and started to protest, but Emmett kept on talking. "And don't fucking tell me you're getting some snatch on the side when you go out of town. We all know you're still holding your v-card!" he joked, hitting Jasper on the chest with the back of his hand._

"_Come on, Jaz! Tell me something then. When you tell us you go out of town all the time ..." he used finger quotes, "...to 'sightsee,' doesn't make you sound a little gay?"_

"_How do you know that I'm not secretly meeting some beautiful exotic woman each time I leave town?" Jaz countered. He stepped up to Emmett, glaring at him with resentment. Emmett and I always gave Jasper a hard time for never really having a girlfriend or even a date since...well, _ever_._

"_You never talk about any ass you get for one thing and two..."_

_Jasper held up his hand to stop Emmett, "Man, just stop....a real man doesn't talk about his conquests."_

"_Dude, just come out of the closet already. You're gay. Just say it. I, Jasper Whitlock, am a raging homo. It's easy." Emmett threw his head back and laughed._

"_I'm not gay!" Jasper seethed._

"_You're a flamer - full on 'Priscilla Queen of the Desert' flamin' gay. I bet if we go home now I would find some kind of rainbow sticker slapped on your panties in your chest of drawers. You fucking sing in the shower and when you come home from your trips, you always bring back with you a bunch of shopping bags. So you obviously shop a lot."_

"_Shut the fuck up, Emmett!" Jasper's whole body tensed as he stood rigid in place. He was boiling mad. _

_Now, even I was getting tired of Emmett. He pushed Jasper too far sometimes and looking at Jaz now, I could see the anger bleeding out of his eye sockets. He was ready to attack and take no prisoners. _

"_Emmett, lay off Jaz...he's not gay." I put my hand on Jasper's shoulder, "So what if he likes to take vacations by himself? He's a world traveler and fucking way more intelligent than you and I combined. So chill out and stop fucking with him on the gay shit. If anything, just make fun of the fact that he's a virgin and leave it at that." I slapped Jasper's shoulder. Making fun of someone's sex life, or lack there of, was one thing, but making fun of a person if they batted for the other team was another. I, at least, had limits. _

"_Gee, thanks... I think," Jasper replied as he looked over at me._

"_Not a problem, man. But we know you haven't popped your cherry so don't deny it," I joked. _

"_Fuck you both, and see if I pay you any rent, Edward." Pulling up the zipper of his wetsuit, he cleared his throat and turned back to Emmett, effectively changing the subject, " Anyway, now I'm curious - why applesauce?" _

_Emmett chuckled, reminiscing, "Rose grew tired of getting peanut butter out of her hair and since it took forever to lick it off, her tongue always got tired. So we switched to applesauce," he smirked with a devilish_ _grin. "I'm glad we did! The smell was sweet and fucking hot! I was all for it! You know what I mean, Ed?"_

_"Don't drag me into this," I put my hands up in defense with a smile. "You're a sick fucker. I like to keep my food on my plate. Kids eat that stuff." I stopped as a realization hit me, "You're the dick that took all of my chunky peanut butter!"_

_"I replaced it," he argued with a smile._

_I rolled my eyes and looked back at the water._

_He brought both hands to the side of his head and pulled exaggeratedly at his hair, "I thought she was kinky sometimes but this was by far the most kinky food sex we've ever had!" He spun around so fast, his arms out, ready to grab my shoulders, "Edward, Applesauce!" was all I heard. Emmett didn't realize how close he actually was to me and, of course, I was too close to the edge of the cliff._

_His massive arms crashed into me and I teeter-totted on the edge of the cliff. My footing was off balance and my toes slipped further off the side. My arms swung out at my sides when I tried to regain my bearings and I felt Jaz and Emmett try to reach for me. But it was too late. I fell over the edge and I didn't have enough leverage to push myself further out to avoid the jagged rocks along the cliff's walls._

_The whole fall down, I bounced and recoiled as the rocks punctured my skin. My head avoided getting pummeled and my chest and back took the brunt of the beating. I was lucky though because I seemed to bounce fairly well and landed far enough into the ocean that I missed the biggest razor like rock formations hidden in the depths of the water. The salt violently bit and stung at my skin. Sinking father and father into the depths, I thought of everything that had happened to me in my life. It wasn't the same thing as watching your life flash before your eyes - it was more calming and reassuring. The whispers of the water echoed in my ears and I faintly heard the pounding of my heart as it begged for more oxygen. It was alright though. I was ready to meet any fate that was going to be given to me in that ocean. I was ready to see my parents again and feel the burden of my guilt, lifted. My body was limp as I drifted deeper and deeper into the blackness. I didn't dare open my eyes to see what lay below me and I made no effort to move and try and save myself._

_A quick flash of Bella's face accosted me. Her tears in her eyes were heavy and her lips were swollen and red. She reached out to me, searching my eyes for acceptance. I could tell she was grieving._

_My heart pounded louder. _

_Thump. Thump. Thump. _

_Burning and pulsating against my rib cage, my heart screamed to me. It kept time with her blinking eyes as she looked over my damaged body._

_"Please, don't," she whispered as she cried. Bella was begging me and pushing me. Always pushing me. She knew what I was doing - giving in. And she wasn't going to have that. I let what seemed to be my fate control what I really wanted. Did I want to die? Hell fucking no! Did I want to give up? Sometimes, but now seeing her with me in the water, I wanted to swim. I wanted to breathe. I wanted to feel her again. I wanted to live!_

_I decided I had to get to the surface, and judging from the way my chest burned for life, I had to do it quickly. I swore right at that moment that Bella would not cry for me like that again. My legs kicked with renewed strength and I raised my left hand above my head, trying to wave it through the water. __Something pulled at my outstretched hand. The water currents glided around my body and I realized that I was being towed upward. I opened my eyes and looked to the faded light above. It wasn't just some_thing_ pulling me, but some_one_. His legs moved swiftly and strongly through the water, slicing it like a knife._

_Bobbing to the surface, I inhaled so deeply that my throat made a strangled noise, desperate to fill my lungs with air. The cool air of April nipped at my face as the pellets of water rolled down my hair onto my eye lashes. Focusing my eyes and floating to my back, I felt the stiffness of Emmett's arms under my back._

_"Edward, can you move?" he asked, licking his lips while we both struggled to breathe through our noses. "Wait, don't move. You're hurt. Your body suit is shredded." Emmett looked at me more closely. "I don't want to hurt you more if you're broken somewhere. Jasper went to the Jeep and he's calling Charlie."_

From that day on, anything that had to do with heights freaked the shit out of me. I admit it. I was scared of heights like a fucking sissy.

I couldn't even get on a step ladder without getting dizzy.

Looking down a flight of stairs made my knees wobble.

And don't get me started on how long it took me to drive over a tall bridge.

Maybe it was the long fall and the bouncing off large jagged rocks -or the combination of both - but mainly, it was also the fact that I faced my mortality before I was ready for it. In the water, I scared myself because it was so easy to sink and at first, it was so easy to just let it happen. But then I saw Bella in a weird liquid vision just as I was about to resign myself to the murky gods. Then everything changed. She gave me strength and I was ashamed that I ever thought to give up so easily. I hated that it took a rather long fall for me to realize that no matter what happened in my past, life was still worth living. But most surprisingly, I realized that even after trying to forget her, Bella was still there in everything, even at the time of my almost death.

The fall took on a new meaning. It made me realize that everything that happened with my parents was beyond me - just like that fall was beyond me. But that didn't mean I couldn't fight. All these years were torture for me because I was the blind one. But even though I had a new appreciation for life, the resentment was still there, nagging in the back of my mind.

Always.

I had grown too accustomed to it and almost craved it because it made me feel like I, at least, had something in my life that was a constant.

I was shocked when Bella showed up during my time in the water. I figured not seeing her all those years effectively erased her from my mind. Out of sight, out of mind, right? But man, was I wrong.

The problem was, she was never erased from my heart.

Emmett saved my body that day but Bella saved my soul.

"Do you see those little black dots up there?" Bella pointed up to the sky at the top of the Arch.

I didn't notice Bella sneaking up on me. She stared up at the sky.

I squinted. "I think I do." I refocused my line of sight. "But they're too fucking small."

"Those are the windows we're going to look out of when we go up there," she explained.

Immediately, my heart raced and my knees shook. The idea was to visit the Arch, not climb the fucker. I shook my head and took a few steps backwards. I had no idea where I was going. All I did know was that I was headed anywhere but up. I needed to get as far away from The Arch as possible.

Bella still gazed upwards so I took that opportunity to quietly walk away without her noticing.

But I didn't get far.

Luck obviously wasn't on my side today because a few feet from her, something crunched under my feet, causing her to look in my direction. I lifted my foot and looked at what I stepped on that made the offending sound.

Stupid twig! I curse you!

She frowned and put her hands on her hips. "Where are you going?"

_Lie. _

"Umm, I forgot something in the truck. Why don't you go ahead? I'll wait for you there. Okay?"

Bella walked towards me. "What did you forget?"

"My wallet," I stammered, "I... forgot my wallet and I don't have any cash in my pockets." I patted my pockets to emphasis my comment. But Bella was smart woman. She leaned into me and lifted my jacket from behind.

"It looks like your wallet is nestled safely in your back pocket."

"Shit," I mumbled.

"What's wrong?" She stood in front of me, her eyes searching mine. I must have looked panicked because she gave me a strange look. Sweat ran down my back and my ears felt hot.

"It's nothing."

She tugged at my hand but I didn't budge. Her eyes looked curious, and then stern. "What's wrong?" she asked again.

"I'm fine, it's just....this is going to take a long time." I motioned at the underground entrance of the Arch and she stopped tugging my hand. "It's crowded. The line is out the door."

I was stalling.

I knew what would happen once I got to the top. I would have a panic attack and grab onto something to steady myself as my body shook. Knowing my luck, it would be some unruly, hairy security guard with a power trip. The last thing I wanted was to get manhandled by a rent-a-cop Park Ranger while I tried to calm down.

"Edward, we came all this way and you already agreed to come to The Arch." She sounded hurt.

"I agreed to come to The Arch, but I didn't agree to go up it's ass," I replied.

"Come on, it's not going to be that bad." She held out her hand. "You won't have to look out the windows." With that she gave me a wink and tried to pulled my hand forward. She obviously knew that my reluctance to go up in the Arch had nothing to do with the long lines. Man, she really did know me well.

"I can't Bella." I looked back towards the parking lot. I was embarrassed that she saw me this way. I wanted to hide my face and crawl into the fetal position.

"Veronica,"she whispered.

I whipped my head around so fast that I nearly lost my balance. Did I hear what I think I just heard?

"What did you say?" I asked**,** looking at her in bewilderment.

"I named her Veronica." Bella looked down at her feet. "I thought it fit, so that's what I named her." she said nodding towards the parking lot.

I was a bit astonished to say the least. Bella named her car 'Veronica'. She knew that I would recognize the connection immediately. My _Betty_ and her _Veronica._ She did that to compliment me.

"When did you name her that?"

Bella looked down at her feet, still refusing to meet my gaze. "Right after I got her. Well, I knew that was her name when I first saw her. It just was.....fitting. She would never be a 'Betty' but she looked like a 'Veronica' for sure." Bella played with a rock by her foot, still looking at the ground.

I was completely stunned. Speechless. I knew she got her car soon after my parents died. Charlie told me Jake and her went out and bought it one day. He was concerned that it wasn't safe and wanted my opinion. At the time, I really didn't care if she drove a moped or a BMW. I barely listened. But if she named her car 'Veronica' when she was with Jake, then that meant she wasn't over me.

Bella snapped me out of my thoughts. "Come on, it's starting to get dark," she said softly.

Before I could say a word in protest, she pulled me behind her. Numbly, I followed her like a lost puppy. Her attitude changed immensely. She didn't seem mad at all anymore or shy about her confession of 'Veronica'. And she was touching me. She willingly touched me with her hand. My numbness faded a bit and was replaced with shock. I couldn't believe that this was the same woman from ten minutes ago. I definitely preferred the latter.

She brought me to the entrance. There was no turning back now. I felt the warmth of her hand and even though we stood in line, she didn't let go. Did she think I was going to run? Or did she like holding my hand? Man, I wanted to know.

It was crazy how my hand folded perfectly with hers. Her nimble fingers gripped snugly onto mine and swear that whatever trepidation I felt walking over here almost disappeared. The palpitations of her pulse beat against my hand. It felt good. I didn't want to let go. Holding her hand gave me strength. The top of the Arch didn't seem so high anymore. The butterflies in my stomach felt squelched and thank God my palms stopped sweating. It was like she was saving me all over again, only she had no clue about the time before or now.

Gently, I squeezed her hand and traced my thumb over hers. I wasn't expecting her to reciprocate my action – actually, I expected her to drop my hand. But instead, she sighed and didn't let go. I walked slower, prolonging our journey to the top, wanting to revel in this for just a little bit longer.

The wind picked up, enveloping us in a blanket of cool air. It was tolerable for me with my jacket, but I noticed Bella put her free hand in her pocket. Her body trembled.

"Would you like my jacket?" I asked, still not letting go of her hand. We continued walking as the line shuffled forward towards the entrance to the Arch doorways.

"Won't you be cold?"

"Nah, I'll be fine. Thick skin," I grinned.

"Well, ain't that the truth." She rolled her eyes and let go of my hand.

I felt the loss immediately. My heart squeezed in my chest as though it sensed her absence as well. I took off my jacket and with ease and slipped on her shoulders. After placing her arms in each sleeve and wrapping it around her shaking form, she snuggled into it.

"Thank you. I didn't think to bring my coat. It was so nice today. Anyway, it's packed in the back of the U-Haul somewhere."

I shrugged. "We'll look for it after we head back."

"Thanks," she repeated as she looked away.

The line was super fucking long. It was a weekday for crying out loud. What garnered such a mass of people on a weekday? The Arch had two entrances, both of which led to an underground museum. I listened to that much when Bella blurted out random facts earlier. It looked like we were at the north entrance, but I wasn't sure. I looked around to see if there were any signs or maps along the walls but there weren't any so I just assumed I was right. As we shuffled closer to the doors, I noticed the metal detectors.

"Dammit."

Bella faced me "What?"

I eyed the security office door just off the front of the entrance. "I have to go up there for a minute." I pointed to the security door.

"What? Why?"

I leaned down. "I'm armed." Her eyes widened. "I have to check my weapon at the door before I can enter or else those big metal detectors are going to go off and you'll see me get body slammed faster than a twenty dollar hooker."

Her face crinkled up and she scowled. "You brought your gun?" she whispered.

"I always do. I don't leave home without it, babe."

"Ugh, your such a man! Why are there metal detectors?" she asked.

"Since 9-11, the government installed extra security at all national monuments. For safety measures. I should have thought of that before but I wasn't really thinking clearly earlier," I explained.

"I still don't understand. Why did you bring your gun? It's just a simple road trip. What could go wrong?"

I exhaled, rubbing my chin. "Bella, a lot of things could go wrong. That's why I like the protection."

"I never liked guns, you know that."

"Bella, you grew up with a cop, I never understood how you could feel that way."

"Well, I guess I'm just not used to seeing _you_ with a gun. It's like you're a whole other person now."

"People change, Bella. It's part of my job now to carry a gun. It doesn't define who I am. I'm still a lot like the old Edward you used to know." I turned away because I didn't know if I meant what I said. The old Edward was so far removed now. I didn't know if there was any shred of him left.

"I heard otherwise," she murmured.

"I'm sure people told you a lot of things while …...Look, the truth is, whatever people told you about me was probably true. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of but the one thing I know is that I'll never disrespect my badge and what it stands for. If I have to carry my gun because I feel it's my civic duty, then I will. I'm not going to feel sorry or make excuses."

Bella pursed her lips and crossed her arms, "You're just like Charlie, you know that?"

I smiled. "That's the second best compliment you've ever given me."

Of course, I didn't tell her that Veronica was the first.

Leaving Bella's side, I walked over to the Park Ranger standing by the metal detectors. I told him about my predicament and he escorted me to the security office off to the side. I checked my weapon, showed him my credentials, talked about Forks...blah, blah, blah. It took way too long. He had me fill out a waiver which demanded I answer too many fucking questions.

"You don't look much like a cop, Deputy Masen."

"I'm on vacation." Ranger Fido gave me a look of approval. "Are we almost done here?" I asked impatiently.

"Yes, I just need to get one more thing from my supervisor and then you can go." He smiled and walked away.

Desperate to get out of there, I walked up to the glass window. I was worried that Bella was by herself too long and I wanted to see if she was okay. I couldn't tell from where I was and that increased my desire to get out of here ASAP.

Deputy Dog here had talked my ear off. I figured not many people entered the Arch grounds armed. I was pretty sure this made his boring day of searching purses and coat pockets much better. Hell, I probably made his week, if not month.

I heard him walk up beside me but I didn't take my eyes off the window. "When you come back, just find me by the metal detectors and I will give you back your sidearm," he instructed.

I was half listening while trying to see Bella. "Yeah, great...thanks. Sorry for the inconvenience," I muttered.

"No problem, Deputy Mason," the ranger exclaimed with a salute which I caught out of the corner of my eye.

A little overzealous, huh?

I give a small salute back, "At ease, Ranger.....?."

"Park Ranger Phillips, sir," he answered with a nod.

I nodded in return and reached for the handle of the door.

"She's really pretty. You're a lucky man," he added, just as I gripped the handle. He must've seen me standing with Bella earlier.

I finally saw Bella as I opened the door. She wasn't in line anymore, but off to the side, talking on the phone instead.

My phone.

She looked like she was crying, but I wasn't sure. Something was off, I knew that much. I never felt so compelled to hold her and give her my strength. It was a need that I couldn't control. It was instinctive.

Protective.

Territorial.

My eyes never left Bella as I replied to the Park Ranger. "I know, I am lucky. Thanks. Sometimes you don't know what you've got until you've lost it. I'm just lucky that she's with me now and I have a chance to make things right."

With those words, I knew I was fucked.

**Hmm, what do you think? Who do you think Bella was on the phone with? I want to here your theories! **

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______________________________________________________________________________


	15. Truce

**A/N Hello my lovelies!! It's been ages and RL happens ***** rolls eyes at self *. **

**So here's what's going on, I've been nominated for two awards:**

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**MissAlex and I also started a new fic called EVERY OCTOBER! Check my profile for the link. We are so excited about it and the Prologue is now posted so please go read it and give us some feedback. The first chapter should be posted on Saturday. The chapter is short so it won't take you long to read it. **

**MissAlex is my bestie and I LUV HER! She made this whole chapter so pretty even when she was so busy. I really appreciate all you do for me A! * tears* **

Previouly in Treading Water....

_I finally saw Bella as I opened the door. She wasn't in line anymore, but off to the side, talking on the phone instead. _

_My phone. _

_She looked like she was crying, but I wasn't sure. Something was off, I knew that much. I never felt so compelled to hold her and give her my strength. It was a need that I couldn't control. It was instinctive. _

_Protective. _

_Territorial._

_My eyes never left Bella as I replied to the Park Ranger. "I know, I am lucky. Thanks. Sometimes you don't know what you've got until you've lost it. I'm just lucky that she's with me now and I have a chance to make things right."_

_With those words, I knew I was fucked. _

**Chapter 15- Truce**

_**Bella**_

I crossed my arms around my waist, trying to keep the thrilling smell of cologne and mint from Edwards jacket as close to me as possible. His smell encompassed me and I felt safe. Peaceful. Bringing the collar up to my nose, I inhaled deeply. It was intoxicating and I couldn't ignore what I was feeling.

In the truck, I felt conflicted. But now, with Edward's jacket blanketing my body, my assorted emotions overwhelmed me. I was instantly transported back to high school football games...cuddling together...so many wonderful memories. I remembered feeling safe wrapped under his arm as we walked through the hiking trails behind his parents house. It was the same scent that snaked into my lungs as we made out in his car every evening when he dropped me off before Charlie flipped on the flood light outside, his subtle way of telling me to call it a night.

The warm, exciting, complete feelings I had now were the same as they were back then. It was what I'd been chasing since we'd been apart, and hadn't found - until now. I didn't want to let go. I wondered for so long what it would feel like to be with Edward again. Although my blissful emotions were compounded with feelings of guilt and apprehension, I wanted to keep him within my heart forever. I wanted to consume him. But at the same time, the Edward I was with now was not the Edward that I once 'd changed. I'd changed. Too much had happened between us and in the separate lives we'd led since our break-up.

However, the mystery surrounding this new Edward captivated me. There were glimpses of the same tenderness that I remembered but now he had a tough exterior - a shield - one that I could relate to all too well. But even though I tried to convince myself that too much time had passed, a part of me was still hopeful. I took another deep breath of the leather and realized that I could never get enough of him. He was a drug, one of the most addictive kinds.

Remembering where I was, I dropped the collar and zipped up the front of the jacket, watching Edward walk away from me toward the Ranger next to the metal detectors. They exchanged words briefly and then the two of them disappeared into the security office close to the entrance. When Edward was no longer in my view, I breathed a sigh of relief. My heart had been in my throat for the last twenty minutes and now I had the opportunity to calm my nerves.

I swayed slightly from side to side, holding our place in the line. I didn't know how long it would take for Edward to turn over his gun. How could I have been so stupid as to think that he wouldn't have it on him? I knew that Edward had a gun, as did my father, but I was shocked that he brought it with him. My dad never wore it unless he was working. This was a side of Edward so foreign to me, yet, he made me feel safe. I trusted him and knew he was here for the right reasons.

It was surprising how little I had thought of Jake today. He was secondary to Edward when I was in his presence. It wasn't like Jake deserved to occupy all of my thoughts after what I'd learned, but at the same time, it was hypocritical for me to look down on him, punishing him for something that I had done myself. Not to the same degree, but enough to create mistrust in our relationship.

I glanced down at the ring on my left hand. It held so much significance but deep down it felt contrived, tainted, and it weighed me down. At first I thought that talking to Jake would be make me feel better. He was good at fixing things. But as I reflected on that, I realized I was just kidding myself. This was not a machine that needed to be fixing. Hearts were not as easy to mend.

God, what happened to me? The old Bella would have kicked Jake's ass to the curb and not collected so much emotional baggage. The problem was that for so long I tried to please others and neglected myself. My frustrations bubbled to the surface and so had Jake's and this was now the bed we had made for each other. One was not better than the other. We were both to blame and I didn't know what the next step was for us. I shook my head, attempting to clear my thoughts. I just needed to not think for a while. Clear my head.

And breathe.

Slowly, I inhaled, bringing in the crisp air around me.

I waited, willing the butterflies produced in my stomach from my thoughts of Edward to disappear.

I exhaled.

Still there.

Well, fluttering didn't always mean love_. _Right? Jake was my love and I didn't have butterflies in my stomach when I was around him.

But deep down, I had a hard time believing that.

I was tense, so in an effort to relax, I unclenched my fists and shook them out, hoping that the rest of my body would unwind.

A cool wind danced around me and I jammed my hands into the pockets of Edward's jacket. I pulled out a package of gum and smiled. Edward always carried gum with him when we were together. I supposed some things never changed. Placing the packet back in his pocket, I remembered that my own pocket held something of his.

His cell phone.

I stuck it in there when I finished talking to Charlie earlier, with the intention to return it to him. I'd just simply forgotten. Removing it from my pocket, I ran my thumb over the scuffed exterior. The phone had definitely seen better days. He must have had it a long time. I flipped it open, and immediately chastised myself for being so nosy. I had no right to snoop around and I had no right to be mad about what I saw in his phone earlier. Edward moved on. It was bound to happen and I didn't exactly keep myself chaste since our breakup. I was with Jake the entire time.

But still, I felt ill. What was Jessica to Edward? I shut my eyes, thinking back to the photo I saw of them together. The photo that Edward had since deleted.

_Jessica Stanley._

Jessica Stanley.

J e s s i c a S t a n l e y.

No matter how many times I said her name in my head, I couldn't figure out what Edward saw in her.

Jessica "the bane of my existence" Stanley.

Jessica "Back Stabber" Stanley.

_Jessica Stanley._

The more time I spent repeating her name, the angrier I became. Why did he have to pick her out of all people? And was he in love with her?

Jessica Stanley, the girl who used to be my best friend. _Our best friend. _

I had told him, "If it was any other person in the world..."

But I didn't get to finish my sentence because my dad called. What I wanted to say was, "If it was any other person in the world besides Jessica, I wouldn't care. I would be happy that you found someone to love."

Now, I really didn't know if I wanted to say any of it. Because the truth was that it didn't matter who Edward ended up with. No one would feel right to me.

If it was any other person...

I thought back to my last exchange with my former friend.

_"I'm sorry, Jessica," I begged her to understand. "We never meant to hurt you. If I knew how you would take this, then we would have handled things differently. But I can't help it. I'm in love with Edward. I always have been._"

_"Please, Jess. Please understand." Edward reached for her shoulder but she quickly jerked away._

_"No!" she cried, pacing the small room. "This isn't fair. Bella, I told you how I felt about him and you never said a word!"_

_"I didn't want to hurt you," I explained. "Edward and I didn't plan to fall in love, it just happened." _

_"Well, you should have thought about how this would make me feel since you knew of my feelings for him prior to all of this," she spat, looking back and forth between Edward and I. "We've been best friends our whole lives and this is what you do to me? This is how you throw it away?" She walked towards the door_

_"No, Jess, please stay so we can talk about this, " Edward pleaded, blocking her way,_

_She stopped and narrowed her eyes as she looked up at him. "You lied to me," she hissed. "The both of you lied. What kind of friends are you?"_

_"We didn't mean to keep this from you," Edward explained. "Look, our senior year is approaching and..."_

_"Yes, it is, and it's better for me to make a clean break now rather than later. Just please, don't try, okay. I can't handle it." Jessica glanced at me out of the corner of her eye. "Bella, you hurt me the most because you knew. I'll never forgive you for that. I hate you." _

_I shuddered and sat down on the edge of the bed, defeated. The power of her words crippled me. Tears stung my eyes as I held my head in my hands. I couldn't say anything that would convince her that I didn't mean for things to turn out this way. She was right. I should have told her the truth right from the very beginning, She deserved that._

_She turned back to Edward. "I will always love you," she whispered._

_Opening the door, Jess took one last look at me, her eyes flashing with anger. "Stay away from me from now on." _

_And with that, she was gone._

As I held Edward's phone in my hand, I concentrated on blocking that painful memory. That was one of the worst days of my life, and it was only the beginning of the tension between Jessica and I. Biting my lower lip, I tried to refocus my thoughts. A fresh trail of tears fell along my cheeks, down onto Edward's jacket. I had to think of happier things or else I would look a total mess when he returned.

Kittens.

Bunnies.

Christmas.

I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand and sniffled back the sob that was threatening to escape. Then I thought about something that gave me a flicker of hope. Edward took the picture off his phone. Was he ashamed that I now knew about him having a sexual relationship with Jessica? Or did he feel guilty that I found out and wished he'd never been with her?

Argh! I was so frustrated! And to make matters more complicated, I held Edward's hand. Charlie told me to hold his hand and I did. What was wrong with me?!

I was supposed to be torturing him with sexual innuendos, trucker hats and ass shakes. Charlie innocently asked me to do that but now I realized that he wasn't so innocent. Charlie knew exactly what he was doing.

I knew I was in trouble the second Edward and I locked hands and I felt the familiar trail of goosebumps crawl up my arm. It had been five years since I last held his hand but it felt like only yesterday. I reveled in the feeling that spread throughout my body and it was the first time today that I felt content. It felt so natural. So right.

When Edward casually ran his thumb across my knuckles and glanced down at our physical connection, I wondered if he felt what I did. In that instant, I forgot why I was mad at him and pretended like it was just like old times. No Jake, No Jessica. Just us.

But I had to touch him in order to calm him down. That's what I told myself when thoughts of Jake and Jessica flooded my mind and I didn't let go of Edward's hand. Charlie explained it all to me on the phone just before we joined the line. Talking to Charlie was tough. I wanted to scream at him and tell him to stop meddling in my love life, but all of my anger melted away when I heard his weak voice on the other end of the line. I walked towards my Veronica and leaned against her for, not only physical, but emotional support as well. My fingers shook and my tears threatened to fall.

"Hey Bells, " Charlie had said wearily.

I closed my eyes, forcing myself not to say anything I'd regret later. "How are you?" I sighed. "Emmett told Edward that you weren't eating today. Are you unwell? Have you called the doctor? Did you adjust your meds without telling us again?" I fired question after question, my concern for his health my top priority.

"Bella, slow down. I just felt nauseous this morning so when Emmett was here I didn't eat much. I told him not to rat me out so now I'm going to have to kick his ass, " he chuckled into the phone. "I didn't want to worry you. I'm feeling fine now, honestly. Please, it's all right."

"But-"

"Don't worry, okay?"

"Okay, I won't worry now," I agreed. "But you won't be able to shut me up so quickly once I get home."

"Oh, believe me, I know." He coughed loudly and my heart fell as I blinked back my tears at how frail he sounded. "You're like your mother in that way."

"I'm nothing like her Charlie," I said through gritted teeth.

My father ignored my tone. "Dad, Bells. Please call me dad. I need that."

I choked and bit my lower lip. It was hard to call him dad after Renee left. I blamed him for a lot of things, when I now knew that I shouldn't have. But at the time, I had so many questions that both my parents wouldn't answer.

"I'm sorry, dad." I replied as I pulled at my pony tail.

There was an awkward silence between us so I felt that it was time to confront him. "Dad," I sighed. "What were you thinking?"

He didn't say anything.

"Dad?"

"About what?"

"Dad! You know exactly what!"

"Okay, okay. Well, look, you can't blame me, can you? I'm an old man, set in my ways. I just want to see my little girl happy again. You can't fault me for that."

"But dad, this wasn't the way to go about things. I'm a big girl now and I can take care of myself. I don't need you forcing Edward on me. He and I were over a long time ago and we've both moved on. We're...happier now..."

There was silence on the other end. He didn't believe me, just as much as I didn't believe myself.

"Anyway, my issue is that you lied to me. Tricked me. I'm so mad at you right now!"

"I'm sorry for lying to you, sweetheart. I felt that I didn't have any other options. Plus, I truly didn't want you traveling alone. I trust Edward the most so I sent him."

"But _I_ don't trust Edward. Not anymore. How could you make such a decision for me without asking me how I felt about it?" I paused. "Edward and I...we have a very complicated history, you know that."

"Yes, I do."

"Then why?"

"Bella, throughout my life I've had many dreams. Some I've turned into reality, others I have not. I dreamed of being a cop, I wanted to get married and have a family," he stopped.

"We all have dreams, dad."

"Yes, we do, and if there's one thing I can thank Renee for, it's promoting independence in you and giving you the encouragement to fulfill your dreams. You dreamed of something better, more than I could give you, and you achieved it. But although Renee's approach was correct regarding some things, she was mistaken about a lot of other things. She went about her teachings in the wrong way. She had no right to scare you into leaving Forks - or Edward for that matter."

My lip quivered and I no longer desired to hold anything back. I slumped to the ground and propped myself against Veronica's tire. My father had never been so truthful in his feelings before. He was a quiet and stoic man. Our father-daughter discussions had never amounted to anything beyond, "did you take out the trash?"

"I'm sorry, dad," I squeaked. "I just don't know what you want from me."

"When I look at Edward, honey, I see myself. I see it all. The dream, the want, the desire - all of it. It's like I'm looking into a mirror and it's all right there. You two are young. You still have time to set things right." He cleared his throat.

"Are you al-"

"Yes, I'm fine." he assured me. "What I am saying is that both you and Edward weren't dealt a fair hand. You were forced apart. Even though your mother and I aren't together, I still had my dream. I followed my heart, married the girl I was in love with, and had the most beautiful daughter I ever could have dreamed of. Bella, I'm dying, but even after everything that happened between me and your mother, I'm dying a happy man because I have you."

I heard my father concealing his muffled cries and his breakdown caused my brick wall to crumble. My father never cried and hearing him so broken, completely destroyed me.

He cleared his throat again, regaining his composure. "I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I'm just laying my feelings out on the table and you can do with this information as you wish. All I want before I go is to have the two of you together under my roof, safe. And if something more blossoms between the two of you, then great. If not, then at least I know I tried."

I knew then that my father had the best intentions. He brought Edward and I together but what became of that was up to us, not him. The best thing for us to do on this trip would be to settle our differences and move on. Even if we wanted something more, how would it ever work? Once we returned to Forks, Edward and I would probably go back to our usual routine of avoidance.

I exhaled deeply."I understand what you had to do, dad. I just don't know if Edward and I can overcome our past. So much has happened with us and all the wounds still have salt in them. They never even had a chance to close."

"Well, maybe that says something. Maybe after all of these years, since the both of you have yet to achieve closure, it's not over. Bells, you do what makes you feel comfortable. Just do me a favor," he chuckled. "Try and enjoy the trip."

"So far the trip has been...different," I laughed. If he only knew the half of it. But I wasn't about to tell him about Jake or that I almost killed Edward and I on the highway because of my stubbornness.

"That, I believe." Even though I couldn't see him, I could tell that Charlie was smiling. "I can just imagine what your reaction was when you opened the door to find Edward on the other side. I was expecting a phone from you early this morning, to be honest."

I sighed. "Well, unfortunately my phone is no longer with me. Jake dropped it in the sink and didn't tell me. So I have to use Edward's phone until I can get a replacement, which hopefully will be tomorrow."

"So that's what happened. Funny, Jake didn't mention that."

I sat up straight. "You talked to Jake?"

"I tried calling your phone several times because I wanted to make sure that everything was underway and that you and Edward were on your way home. But you didn't answer so I called Alice."

"What did she say?" I asked.

"She didn't answer her phone, so I called Jake to see if he heard from you."

I stood up and paced back and forth in the parking lot.

My father talked to Jake. Nervousness reverberated throughout my body. "Uh, you did?" I stammered.

"He told me to call Edward's phone if I wanted to reach you. Then he hung up."

I knew that if Jake hung up on my father then he was definitely mad.

"Shit," I muttered under my breath.

"I'm sorry, honey. I shouldn't have called him."

"Oh no, dad. It's not your fault. Something is going on between Jake and I. I'll tell you about it when I get home." I glanced at Edward, who was looking up at the Arch. "Edward's waiting for me. Honestly, I haven't been the most pleasant person to be around today so I should get back to him and practice being nicer."

"Where are you anyway?"

"We stopped in St. Louis on the way to see mom. I wanted to go up in the Arch."

My father laughed so loudly that I had to hold the phone away from my ear.

"What's so funny?"

He regained his composure."You're going to take Edward up the Arch? Good luck, sweetie."

"Good luck? Why good luck?"

"Edward is afraid of heights," he explained.

My mouth dropped open. "Since when?"

"I didn't tell you because his cuts were superficial and he didn't even stay at the hospital for very long-"

"Dad! Hospital? What?! What happened?" I was astonished that no one told me about this.

"Honey, it was just a small accident. He made a full and quick recovery. It just didn't leave him with a favorable impression of heights, that's all."

I scoffed. "Dad!"

"Okay, okay. Just don't tell Edward I said anything. He went cliff diving down on First Beach with Emmett and Jasper. He took a tumble over the edge, bounced off a few rocks on the way down and landed in the water. He took a week off work but that was it. It wasn't that big of a deal."

I was livid! "No big deal?!"

"Bella, it's fine-"

"No, it's not fine! I can't believe you didn't tell me until now! And that's only because I forced it out of you."

"Bella, what would you have done if I did?" my father asked.

I stopped flailing my arms and dropped them by my sides. He had a point. What _would_ I have done? Technically, it would've been more Jessica's concern more than mine.

The thought made me ill.

"I guess I would have called him to make sure he was all right."

"And what would that have done for Edward?"

"I guess...nothing..."

"It would have made you feel better that you were checking up on him, but a simple phone call was not what Edward needed. " He paused. "So this little trip up the Arch might be small potatoes to you, but to Edward, he's falling off that cliff again. There's only one difference this time..."

_This time I'll be there to make sure he doesn't fall,_ I added silently to myself.

My father didn't finish his sentence. He knew I already had for him.

I pursed my lips. "I see what you mean. Crap, I wouldn't have asked him to go up there if I'd known about his accident."

"Did you ever think that because he's letting you take him up there, he actually _wants_ to go? After all, this trip is all about confronting the past, isn't it? And setting things right?"

Dammit, my father was right – again.

"You're sure it's a good idea?" I asked.

"Honey, you get his ass up that contraption if it's the last thing you do. He might need a little hand holding, but I'm sure he will be fine."

Hand holding...Hmm...

I toyed with the idea. As long as I remained strictly professional about the whole thing, it was perfectly acceptable. I could do it.

"Okay,I better get back to him before he thinks I left him." I winced at my loaded words.

"Not a problem," My father coughed and his voice sounded weaker. I shouldn't have kept him on the phone so long. He needed his rest. "I love you, honey."

"Love you, dad." I hung up, feeling guilt-ridden. My father was sick, Edward went through a life-changing event, and I was completely powerless.

After wiping away the traces of my tears, I made my way over to Edward. One look into his dazzling green eyes told me that this hand holding thing might not be as easy as I originally thought. I prepared myself for the fact that I probably wouldn't want to let go once I touched him.

He looked so helpless as he gazed at the Arch and without any reservations, I placed my hand in his. This time, he wouldn't be alone.

And that brought me to where I was right now - waiting in the line for Edward to return.

I sighed as I glanced down at Edward's phone in my hand. He was still in the security office and my recollection of my conversation with my father had left me upset. Now I had to contend with the fact that no matter how I felt, Edward was with Jessica and I had to accept that.

What I needed to do was force my father's ridiculous ideas out of my head and focus on reconnecting with Jake and obtaining closure from Edward. I needed to speak with both of them so we could sort everything out.

As for Jake - I had the right to his truth about Leah, he had a right to hear the truth about what I did on New Years, and if we still wanted each other after all of that, then we'd go from there.

The chirping of Edward's phone snapped me out of my thoughts. Without hesitation, I flipped it open and saw that there was new text message from Jessica. Even though I knew it was wrong, I pressed the OK button and read the message that flashed on the screen.

**I miss you. Bed is cold w/out you. Come home to me. Love, me.**

I felt like I'd been punched in the gut and I realized that my desire over mending my friendship with Edward was in vain. He had Jessica now. He didn't need me in any way. The old burn of jealously and sadness seared through my veins.

She finally got him.

She won.

They were in love.

He would never be with her unless he loved her. _  
_  
My face was wet and I desperately needed a tissue. I wasn't sure how long I'd been crying but I noticed that I had lost our place in line. It was much longer than earlier and I realized that going up the Arch was no longer an option.

He didn't need me to hold his hand and make him feel safe. He had Jessica.

My heart fell. I wouldn't be able to hold his hand, touch or kiss him again.

Wait! _Kiss _him? That should've been the farthest thing from my mind.

A vivid memory flashed in my head making my skin tingle and my body pulsate - Edward kissing me passionately outside the bar on New Years. I remembered how his hands felt as they caressed my body, the softness of his lips against my neck...my overwhelming desire to make him mine again and this time keep him forever.

_Mine._

Shaking my head, I wiped my cheeks and squeezed my eyes shut, willing the images to go away. But I could still feel the memory of his hands all over me and how his muscles flexed under my touch.

I thought back to Jessica's text message and my chest seized up.

He was hers now. Not mine.

"I'm so stupid..." I muttered.

I rubbed my temples, trying to alleviate the pounding inside my head. I was going to go crazy if I didn't stop agonizing over things I couldn't change. All these ups and downs today were making me sick. I didn't feel like myself anymore. Old wounds resurfaced, new wounds developed, leaving me feeling raw and painful, and I was the only one who could heal me. The problem was I didn't know what to do.

_Don't let this happen. You don't want him. You're only thinking you do because you know he's with Jessica._

I told myself anything I could to make the pain go away. The phone mocked me as it rested in my clammy hand. I needed to talk to someone and hear a voice of reason. Someone unbiased and willing to looked at both sides.

I dialed the first number that came into my head.

_Hey, this is Jasper, and I obviously can't come to the phone..._

"Fuck me!" I muttered as I disconnected the call.

Jasper was always a good listener.

Who else could I call?

I exhaled deeply and dialed the next number even though I knew I would regret it. But desperate times...

_Hello, this is Renee Swan. I can't come to the phone right now..._

I cried even harder. I must have looked absolutely mad, standing amongst a crowd, clutching a phone to my ear, and sobbing like a baby. For once in my life, I just wanted my mom.

The voicemail beeped.

I sniffled and wiped my nose with the sleeve of Edward's coat. "Hi...mom?" I cleared my throat. "I know that I'm seeing you tomorrow when we come by to visit but I really needed to hear your voice right now. I had a really rough day and I d-don't just know w-what to think anymore." My voice broke and I glanced over at the security office, where Edward stood next to the Ranger, watching me.

Suddenly, I felt bolder than ever before. "Jake cheated on me, mom," I stated into the phone. It felt good to say it out loud - all of my sadness, betrayal, confusion - I couldn't keep it bottled up inside anymore. "I...ahh..." The tears spilled down my face. "I'm sorry, I'll tell you more tomorrow. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I'm in St. Louis with Edward," I sighed. "It's a long story...anyway, I'll call you tomorrow when we get close."

I ended the call and hung my head down, trying to get my crying under control. I didn't look up when I saw a pair of boots nudge my shoes delicatly. I didnt't even hear him walk up.

"Hey," Edward whispered as I put my face in my hands. A jot of electricity blazed through my veins from his close proximity and my heart skipped a beat.

I didn't look up. I didn't want him to see me like this.

I felt his hand grip my wrists. He tried to pull them down and I moaned in protest.

"Bella, what happened? Please, tell me what's wrong," he begged. His concern weakened me and I allowed my hands to fall. Keeping my head down, I studied my shoes. I still wasn't strong enough to look him in the eyes.

"I'm sorry," I sniffled as I played with the hem of Edward's leather coat as it hung down my body.

"Look at me."

I shook my head.

"Please, I need you to look at me," Edward whispered.

I kept my eyes to the ground. "I'm fine, really."

Edward placed his hands on either side of my face and his skin felt warm as he stroked my cheeks. Lifting my head up slowly, I finally looked into his eyes. His touch ignited me. I never thought I would experience this ever again. As I studied his sincere, concerned expression, I wondered once again if he felt the same thing I did.

Edward pressed his lips together and his hands twitched slightly. He opened his mouth to speak but then shut it promptly. His thumbs rubbed the apples of my cheeks and he looked down at my lips as his fingertips grazed my neck.

Heat radiated from his body as it pressed against mine, penetrating my soul and warming my heart. I hadn't noticed that my hands that were once down at my sides, were now wrapped around his waist.

"Why are you crying?" he asked softly. I didn't trust myself to speak. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. "Tell me. Let me help you."

I shook my head and dropped my hands. I needed time to clear my head. I couldn't think about Edward this way.

"Um, I just was leaving a message for Renee and...something got in my eye." I rubbed my eye with the back of my hand. "It, uh, really hurt, but it's gone now." I removed my hand and blinked rapidly.

Edward looked amused "You're a shit liar."

"I'm not lying." I bit my lower lip, which I always did, of course, when I was lying. Edward knew that too.

Running his hand through his hair, he flashed me his crooked grin. "Yes, you are.

I huffed, turning my back to him so he couldn't read my expression anymore. "You just know me sooooo well."

"Some things never change."

"Don't remind me."

"So....I'll ask again. What's wrong?"

"I don't want to talk about it," I replied. I folded my arms across my chest, "Can we either get back in line or leave?"

"Not until you tell me what's wrong," Edward argued. He stepped closer behind me and swept my ponytail forward over my shoulder. I felt his warm breath on my neck as he placed both hands on my shoulders and squeezed. Before I could control my actions, I instinctively leaned back into him. His chest rumbled with a slow groan and the vibrations made me dizzy. I let my head fall back against his torso and I closed my eyes.

"Bella?" he whispered into my ear. His husky tone made my knees weak.

"Shh, don't talk."

I didn't want to ruin anything, for at this moment, everything was absolutely perfect.

He chuckled, sliding his hands down my arms. "You're avoiding."

"Well, you're distracting me."

"Is it Jake?"

My eyes shot open and my body went rigid. Lifting my head off his chest, I stood up straight.

So much for not ruining the moment...

I turned around and Edward's expression looked unapologetic.

It made me furious.

"No, it's not," I hissed. "Why would you think it's about Jake?"

"Because of what he did and-"

"What are you talking about?"

He grimaced and quickly corrected himself. "I just mean that what he did was wrong. No one should disrespect you like that."

I had no words. Edward knew about Jake? I cursed Alice.

"First of all, Jake is none of your business and secondly, you're the last person who should talk about respect. As I recall, you didn't do show me much respect in the past. So please, save your sentiments for someone else. I'm sure you already have another person in mind."

"Oh, really?" Edward challenged as he stepped towards me. "And what do you know about that?"

"I know that your bed is cold right now," I hissed, shoving his cell phone into his hand. "Here, you have a message."

With that, I stormed towards the parking lot, hearing Edward cursing under his breath behind me.

I only made it a few feet when I felt his hand on my forearm.

"It's not what you think." He breathed into my hair as I stopped in my tracks.

I kept my back to him. "She loves you," I closed my eyes, hating those words spill out of my mouth.

"She might."

"She does," I insisted."She always has, Edward."

I turned around, meeting his sullen expression. He simply nodded. "She's a lot different than you remember."

"That's great for you." I forced a smile.

I wanted to ask him if he loved her too, but right now, I didn't think I could hear his confirmation without it tearing me apart from the inside out.

Edward's shoulders hung impossibily low,"I don't want to fight anymore, Bella," he sighed. "If you don't want to talk to me about Jake then that's fine. I'm not going to push you. It's obvious that it's a touchy subject. But that means we're also not going to talk about...her."

I was relieved that he didn't say her name. The only name I wanted to spill from those tantalizing lips of his was mine.

_God! Stop it Bella!_

"Okay," I agreed. I was just glad that I didn't have to elaborate about Jake, even though Edward seemed to know more than I originally thought.

He ran his hand through his hair. "The thing is, Bella, I'm tired of trying to stay away from you. Our lives are too intertwined for that. I also don't have the strength or desire to remain mad at you anymore."

"I'm tired too," I admitted as I wrapped my arms around my waist.

"Let's just be friends again."

Could I do that? Just be friends with Edward?

"All right, friends." I extended my hand to him and he accepted.

"Friends," he agreed. Reluctantly, I let go of his hand. My skin tingled in the wake of his touch but I forced myself to ignore the sensation.

Clapping his hands together, "Now, here's the deal. Let's go up in the Arch and then we'll go get something to eat." He rubbed his stomach. "I'm starving."

I rolled my eyes. "I did offer you food."

Edward grinned. "No, as I recall, you offered me junk."

"It's still food."

"_Junk_ food," he argued, his smile never faltering.

I narrowed my eyes playfully. "I thought we were finally calling a truce here?"

He held his hands up in surrender. "You're right. I think we are officially calling a truce. Maybe this time we can stick to it," he winked.

"You wanna take a bet on who breaks it first?" I teased, playfully shoving his arm.

"I know it will be you," he chuckled as he took my elbow, guiding me towards the doors. "You're too hot headed. I give you a couple of hours before you start trying to rip me a new one."

"Now, this sounds more like a challenge." I cocked my eyebrows. "What do I get if I win?"

As he contemplated the prize, he rubbed his chin and grazed his tongue along his bottom lip. "Beer is on me tonight." He held up his forefinger as his other hand released my elbow and opened the door. "_Only_ if you make it through the ride up the Arch and dinner without getting angry at me." We completely bypassed the line and I noticed that Edward was leading me towards the ticket window.

"What are we doing? The line is over there." I pointed behind us.

"I made some arrangements before I left the security office," he admitted as we approached the ticket window. He leaned in close, his lips grazing my ear. "I had the Ranger that handled my gun, get us some tickets so we wouldn't have to wait in line."

"You _greased _him, didn't you?" I giggled.

"Maybe a little." Edward shrugged with a smile. He kept that same dazzling grin plastered on his face as he talked to the ticket agent. I watched as Edward flirted with her unabashedly as though it was second nature to him. She passed him two tickets for the tram and turned to face me.

"Ready?" he winked.

I darted back and forth between him and the woman who provided the tickets. Rolling my eyes, I suppressed a giggle. "Yep."

We walked around the museum to the line by the tram doors. The line was much shorter there so it seemed like our wait would be minimal.

Edward leaned against the wall across from me as I stood by the velvet rope and we waited in comfortable silence. It was the first time I felt comfortable the entire trip. Maybe the promise of this supposed truce/friendship was a good plan.

"So, we have a deal then?" Edward asked.

I shrugged. "Sure, I can't turn down free beer."

Laughing, Edward and I moved up the line. "You're so sure you'll win, huh?" he teased.

"As long as you promise you won't deliberately go out of your way to make me mad _so _I'll lose."

"I can't make any promises," he quipped. I hit him on the arm, "Fine! Fine! Deal. Just stop with the bodily harm."

"So what if I break first, what do_ you_ win?" I asked.

The line advanced towards the tram doors and Edward didn't respond. Instead he turned pale eying the tram doors and he visibly gulped. The tram attendant directed us into what looked like a Jettison pod from the Death Star. It was small, fitting about six people, albeit very uncomfortably.

Edward looked at me before getting in and the fear was etched on his whole face. My stomach dropped and I felt so guilty making him do this. But he got on anyway without protest and warily took his seat.

We huddled close together on the seats as four more people crammed into the tram. I was practically sitting on Edward's lap. I peeked at him out of the corner of my eye to see if he was comfortable about our ascent.

He looked tense and the furrow between his eyebrows deepened. The tram jerked, pressing me into him. I felt him stiffen next to me and I moved my hand down my knee next to his hand. Our knees touched together and my fingertips brushed his. He looked at me and I smiled, letting my pinkie finger gently move back and forth against his skin.

The all-familiar tingling sensation erupted up my arm, but this time I knew he felt it too because he linked his pinkie around mine and smiled.

My breath hitched at our innocent touch while he closed his eyes and pressed his lips together.

After a few moments, his eyelids fluttered open. His stare looked dark and serious.

"Bella, if I win, then we talk about..._everything_."

_Shit._

**A/N OH these two! Finally, both are resigning to some what of a friendship, wonder if they can keep it up. **

**I also became aware that my Aussie following is quite large. Thanks to TwyLynzi who let me know that a bunch of folks Down Under are talking Treading Water business on webchats. All I can say is WOW and were do I sign up to talk to:)**

**I'm also going on vacation and will have my laptop with me. Taking the kid to Disney for the week. Who knows, TW 16 might have E/B doing it on It's a Small World....LOL!!**

**Recs**

**Master of the Universe by Snowqueens Icedragon. Domward at his finest. I can't say enough and Icy makes me LOL with our tweets. GO READ! **

**No Place like Home by tellingmelies. Playboy Edward and witty Bella. A must read! SRSLY!**

**Misconceptions and Fresh Chanes by Jazz2305. Really funny, I really did LOL the whole time. **

**Next chapter is Edward.**

**So who do you think if going to lose the bet? Leave me sugar and tell me.**

___________________________________________________________________


	16. The Past and The Present

**A/N Hello lovelies! **

**MissAlex is my brilliant beta and wonderful bestie. She completes me like no other and I love you! **

**Izzzyy is by far the most wonderful person EVER and I thank you for pre-reading this and giving your suggestions when I thought it sucked ass. Olive Juice!! **

**This chapter was planned for later on but some questions needed to be addressed that many people asked through reviews and PM's. It was VERY hard to write for me and I hope you can see why. The subject matter hits home. I struggled with even going through with it but in the end this character deserved more of a say. **

**WARNING: there is mentions of prescription drug use, cutting, self harm, and sexual activity. I must remind you that this is MATURE. I have not gone into extreme detail but I felt a warning was in order. **

***going to crawl under the covers and hide out in the closet ***

**Chapter Sixteen: The Past and The Present**

_**Jessica**_

**September 16, 2003**

Dear Journal of the Not-So-Loved Devotee,

Today, everything changed.

I walked into her house after school and expected it to just be like any other day. But I was dead wrong. I walked into confessions and I became the only casualty. The looks on their faces were no longer innocent. I was deceived. They _both_ deceived me.

You see, Journal, she is my best friend and he is my first and only true love.

We grew up together. Wherever Edward or Bella went, I followed.

Bella helped pierce my ears and agreed that 'N Sync was better than the Backstreet Boys, and that Monica sang better than Brandy.

We would sing _The Boy is Mine_ at the top of our lungs and giggle at our silliness.

Edward taught me how ride my bike when my father worked too much. When I would fall, he would pick me up and blow the antiseptic sting away from my wound.

All three of us would pile into my mother's station wagon on hot summer nights and travel to the drive-in movie theater in Port Angeles. We ate candy until our stomachs ached and fell asleep before the final credits.

One day, a bully called Bella and me names and Edward punched him in the jaw.

"_I will always protect my girls, no matter what,"_ he vowed, throwing his arm around our necks.

My heart grew the size of Texas with his declaration.

Adolescence was innocent and sweet.

Nothing was complicated until we reached our gangly teenaged years. Perceptions changed and hormones spun out of control.

I looked at Edward differently when I became a teenager. I noticed the way his hair fell over his forehead and the way his voice melted my insides. He was gorgeous inside and out.

Suddenly, I felt nervous around him.

Suddenly, I cared how I dressed and hoped that he liked my new sweaters.

I was embarrassed and kept it a secret until I couldn't hold it in anymore.

The summer before our senior year began, I decided to take my chance. He had to know my feelings before I lost my nerve.

I told Bella everything first - how I felt, how I dreamed of him every night, and how much I wanted to hear him say he wanted me too.

I told her to keep my secret until I was ready. All summer long, I fawned over him and whispered to Bella about how beautiful Edward was.

I never saw it coming.

Today, they sat me down, but I refused to sit. They told me they had been in love for two years and kept it from me.

"_We didn't want you to feel like the third wheel."_

"_We didn't want our friendship to change. That's why we never told you."_

"_We didn't want to hurt you…"_

I didn't want to hear their excuses.

Bella lied to me all summer as I spilled my inner-most secrets to her.

Can I fault them? I should fault them. I _need _to fault them. I want to teach Bella that you can't be someone's confidant and lie to them.

Those two are all I've ever known. They are my only friends. Now, there is nothing left. I can't be her friend and I can't look at him. He knows too much now. He discovered my true feelings before I was prepared to show them. It is the ultimate betrayal.

They will flaunt their relationship now, I know it. They don't have to hide behind the veil that they purposely created, anymore. Everything is out in the open now and I'm the only one reeling from its aftermath.

My heart hurts and I am broken.

And I'm mad.

Shit, I'm beyond mad. I'm fucking _infuriated_.

This emotion that races through my veins is unfamiliar but it energizes me.

Is it bad that I want revenge? I think that it would only be natural, right?

Deep down, I know I should just let it go and not care - go about my life and move on.

I'm not a bitch so it's not like payback would make me happy. ..

Who am I kidding?

I _need_ to do something.

My best friend fell in love with my other best friend.

I'm alone now.

**September 22, 2003**

I wrote _'whore'_ on her locker in cheap lipstick.

I cried in the bathroom afterward.

**September 27, 2003**

At lunch today, I stuck my foot out as they passed me and she tripped. She fell to the ground on top of her tray full of cafeteria food and it ruined the cashmere sweater her parents gave her for Christmas.

He glared at me as he picked her up.

I cackled at them and walked away.

I found out in gym that Bella broke her wrist.

I went outside by the tennis courts and threw up.

I didn't mean to hurt her.

**October 10, 2003 **

I stole her Trig notes and shredded them in the office during lunch. We have a test tomorrow.

The whole time I did it, I felt the sweat roll down my back.

Mrs. Cope almost caught me.

I skipped the rest of the day and went home.

I ate a pint of Cherry Garcia and made myself throw up. I curled myself into a ball on the floor in the corner of my room.

I fell asleep with a raging headache.

**October 20, 2003**

I saw Bella in the Halloween costume shop in Port Angeles. When she stepped out of the change room to grab another costume, I snuck in and stole her bra and underwear. I couldn't stomach stealing the rest of her clothes. That would have been too much.

I waited outside the front of the shop and heard her arguing with the storekeeper on his missing items.

I had a panic attack in my Celica in the parking lot.

When I got home, I took four of my mother's Xanax and two Paxils.

I slept for the next 24 hours.

**October 31, 2003**

I'm taking a break.

No fuckery on the holidays.

I saw them holding hands and it made me sad.

I drank some of my father's Quervo in the bathroom.

My mother smelled the alcohol on my breath but didn't say anything.

I handed out candy alone, until Mike Newton came over and kept me company.

He's sweet and held his hand at the small of my back when he helped me up.

**December 10, 2003**

I looked through pictures of the three of us today.

I cried so hard, my eyes felt like they were bleeding.

I miss them.

To combat my anxiety, I bought a pack of smokes.

I don't smoke. Well, at least, I didn't until today.

Mike asked me out on a date and I said yes. He smiled and I couldn't help but smile back.

**December 15, 2003**

Something today just set me off. I don't know if it was the shitty weather or that Mike was being overly affectionate.

I overheard Edward tell her that he loved her in the hallway as I passed them by.

I felt my heart stop and I leaned on the lockers for support.

In Art History, I told Lauren that Bella was pregnant. You know what happens when you tell Lauren something.

Tonight, I sat in the bathtub with my knees curled into my chest. I cried and cried until the water was ice cold

When I got out, I cut my arm with my dad's switchblade, just to test if I could focus my pain elsewhere.

It didn't work.

At least not the first time.

**December 16, 2003**

I heard the whispers all morning. My rumor spread like wild fire.

Like I knew it would.

The Chief came to Biology and took Edward and Bella out of class. They were gone all day.

I saw Edward after last period.

He came up to me and backed me up against the lockers. His hands rested on either side of my head. My heart raced. Edward was so close that I could feel his erratic breaths on my face. This was the first contact we'd had in months. For a moment, I closed my eyes and fantasized that Edward held me up against the lockers for a romantic kiss - what it would have been like had everything worked out the way I wanted it to. But when I opened my eyes, my dream shattered. His expression was full of hatred, _rage, _not love and adoration.

"_This has to stop," _he said.

"_I don't know how,"_ I replied. My voice broke.

"_Look at your arm_." He held it up to my face and pushed up my sleeve in disgust. _"I can't believe this._ _Cutting yourself is not going to make you feel better_."

"_Any pain is better than the pain you and Bella inflicted on me," _I whispered.

His face softened and a dozen emotions ran across his face. He dropped his arms from the lockers and let them hang limply down his sides.

A tear ran down my cheek. I closed my eyes, wishing he would go away and felt his strong arms wrap around me. He hugged me and rubbed the back of my neck.

"_Promise me. Promise me, no more cutting..."_ He pulled back slightly and his eyes bore into mine with all seriousness.

I nodded my head into his shoulder.

"_I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry…"_ he whispered in my ear before he let go and walked away.

What was he sorry for? Sorry for hurting me? Sorry for deserting me?

It was too late for apologies.

I was done.

Mike walked around the corner.

Perfect timing.

I asked him to take me home.

**December 29, 2003**

Mike took me out on a date to Logan's Grill. Edward and Bella showed up while Mike and I ate dessert. Edward stopped by to say hi. Bella remained at their table, avoiding me.

I stood up and walked out of the restaurant.

Mike followed me.

He kissed me for the first time as he wiped away my tears. He held my face in his hands and he seemed sincere.

I told him about Edward.

He understood.

**January 9, 2003**

Today is Mike's birthday. I bought him some cologne.

He's growing on me.

**January 13, 2003**

Mike surprised me this morning and took me out for breakfast at his parent's diner.

He actually went behind the counter and cooked my food for me.

Waffles with pecans and dripping melted butter – just what I requested. It was the best breakfast I had ever eaten.

His eyes traveled to mine the entire time he worked the waffle iron. I felt warm.

I rested my head on his shoulder when we drove to school.

He held my hand the whole time and walked me to class.

**January 19, 2003**

Last night, after Mike took me out for dinner, I fucked him on his parent's plaid couch while his dog watched from his spot on the rug.

I kissed Mike while we did it and tried to act like I knew what I was doing.

It was my first time. Everything hurt afterward.

What hurt the most was that his couch wasn't the bed I had hoped for or the romance I had dreamed about.

Most importantly, Mike wasn't Edward and my actions didn't fill the gaping hole in my heart like I hoped they would.

Mike whispered that he loved me in my ear on his porch as he walked me to my car.

I cringed.

All I thought about was how Edward had whispered in my ear.

I wasn't in love with Mike.

His declaration pissed me off.

But I didn't blame him. I blamed Bella and Edward – they ruined any chance of a future for Mike and me.

**January 27, 2003**

Mike told me he loved me again today.

I still couldn't say it back. He was confused and hurt.

I was breaking his heart and it was entirely their fault.

Mike was becoming another casualty in the mess created by those two and just like me he didn't have a choice.

It had to stop. They still had to pay for what they did.

During gym, I paid a freshman to sneak into the girls' locker room and take some pictures.

Bella's naked ass was then plastered on every locker and wall in the school.

I took the car tonight and drove for hours.

I had nowhere to go.

I made two inch cuts along the upper part of my inner thigh, so no one will see the wound.

I broke my promise.

**February 14, 2003**

Mike took me to the Valentine's Dance at school. We took pictures in a gym filled with balloons, cupcakes and happy couples.

It was kitschy.

Mike held my hand for appearances but dropped it when no one was looking. I really wanted him to keep holding my hand. But I fucked it up.

He'd had enough of me and my misery. But couldn't he see that it wasn't my fault? That I was the victim?!

I saw them walk into the gymnasium, looking more in love than ever.

They _both_ ignored me now, since they found out that I was the culprit behind those pictures. That stupid bitch Lauren Mallory told everyone it was me.

Note to self: Next time, don't tell Lauren, shit.

Mike was mad when he too, found out at the end of the night what I'd done.

It was the last straw for him.

I went home alone. I held my heels in my hand, allowing the sharp rocks of the gravel roadway cut into my soles of my feet.

It was a long walk home.

**March 16, 2003**

Going away for spring break…with my parents.

No one talks to me anymore. I've alienated everyone. It's my own fault, I know that now.

I can't wait to get out of this town.

**April 10, 2003**

I got rejected from all three colleges I applied too. I let things fall to the wayside my senior year. My grades became my lowest priority. How did I let it get so bad? What happened to the studious Jessica that I used to be?

Two weeks ago, my mother said I was deeply depressed. She was right, of course.

So I started seeing a shrink, who prescribed me a lovely cocktail of prescription drugs.

Effexor and Zoloft were now my two best friends.

I call them Effie and Zola.

I finally feel numb. At least it's something.

Here I come, community college.

Fuck my life.

**June 12, 2003**

We graduated a few days ago.

I didn't have a party nor did I get invited to any, except Lauren's.

I didn't go.

I got a job at Newton's Diner. Mike went away to U of W for early admission and I didn't get to see him again before he left.

I really wanted to apologize.

**June 20, 2003**

Edward dropped by on his way to Bella's. He didn't say what brought him to see me nor did I ask him.

We sat on my front porch and I offered him iced tea.

He drank his glass and I sipped mine.

"_I don't hate you. I want you to know that. Although, I don't think it was right, what you did to Bella."_

I nodded, grateful for his kindness because even I wouldn't forgive me.

He told me that Bella was going to Chicago. I saw the sadness in his eyes. He looked at my arms and I quickly covered up my scars.

"_Jess, I'm sorry that I haven't protected you like I promised when we were kids. I let you down."_

"_I did this to myself, Edward,"_ I replied. "_I was mean-spirited. I know that now."_

"_I love Bella but you're always going to be my girl too. The three of us we were great friends..."_

"_I messed things up. It will never be the same between the three of us anymore."_

"_We all messed up,"_ he corrected.

We sat in silence before I told him that I was sorry about everything.

He rubbed my back soothingly and accepted my apology.

He kissed my cheek.

Then he left.

**May 4, 2009**

Dear Journal of the Maybe-I-Could-Be-Loved Devotee,

I just found you in a box in my mother's basement.

I brought you to work and read all the entries on my break. It was hard to read you.

To recap since my last entry - Bella broke up with Edward before she left for school. Edward became a cop and his parents, Ed Sr. and Elizabeth, died in a car crash. Edward died along with them. He walks around, but he's dead inside.

I continued to work at Newton's Diner, even after Mike took ownership after his parents moved to New Mexico.

We became friends again. He forgave me for everything I did to him in high school and we talked a lot about my life and his, and where the years had gone.

He was still nice and I felt even worse for what I did to him.

Edward was still around but that spark in his eyes was gone.

He would stay in the squad car and Charlie would come in to buy coffee for the both of them.

He didn't speak to me much after his parents died. He really didn't speak to a lot of people. He shunned himself and hid away. I wanted to go to him so many times and rub his back like he did mine all those years ago. I wanted him to know I would protect him now and be his girl again. Bella couldn't do it but I could.

But he would always walk in the opposite direction when he saw me. I understood, and accepted it until last July.

I couldn't take it anymore. If Bella couldn't be what he deserved, then I would take her place.

The balmy night air kissed my exposed legs under my skirt as I walked into the bar.

He was there, like every Friday night.

He looked so broken.

Worse, he was not alone.

Some skanky whore pawed at his ear. He kept his head down, staring into the glass in front of him. It was empty.

When I offered to buy him a drink, he swatted away the floozy. He smiled warmly at me with booze on his breath.

I thought about how it would feel to kiss him. I touched my lips and he watched my mouth.

It was all I needed to see.

That one look.

The lust.

I took his hand and led him to my car.

I pushed down my passenger seat and sat him there. I hitched up my skirt and rolled my panties down to my ankles.

He looked up at me, lost.

I touched his temple and carefully kissed his forehead.

My fingers worked his belt buckle and zipper. He let my hands move without restraint and watched without a word.

When his pants were lowered, I straddled his naked lap, placing my hands on his shoulders. I slammed the door shut, locking us inside. This was our moment.

He entered me, wincing upon first contact. His eyes searched mine over and over, clouded with sadness. I made it my goal right then and there to make him happy, if it was the last thing I ever did.

"_Jess, I don't know..."_

"_I'm here, stay with me,"_ I whispered as I slowly rocked forward and back.

"_I'm sorry,"_ he replied, lifting himself higher off the seat to enter me further, more forcibly. _"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." _he chanted as he thrust his pelvis.

"_This is me...feel me," _I commanded_._

Edward grabbed my face and kissed me eagerly, resting his forehead to my own.

"_I feel you…"_

I smiled into his lips as he kissed me over and over and I rocked and rocked.

"_More, feel me more. Use me, Edward..."_

He rubbed the place where we were joined with careful fingers and calloused hands.

The dashboard was my anchor as I let my body slide into ecstasy. Edward placed his hand between my breasts, breathing hard. He groaned, holding me still.

"_Fuck...this is….fuck...."_

I moaned, letting my head fall back against the fogged windshield, the tremors lasting longer than I thought. With his hand still held firmly over my breast, he continued to twitch inside me.

"_I'm sorry Jess .I'm sorry this wasn't better- that _I_ wasn't better....." _he spoke softly.

"_Shhh, you will be better...." _I assured him, kissing his slightly swollen lips as I laced my fingers through his. We locked our hands over my anxious thumping heart while we calmed ourselves.

With his other hand, he grasped my arm and delicately brought it to his mouth, kissing my scars.

"_You don't have to, Edward."_

"_I need to..."_

"_I don't deserve it."_

"_I don't care anymore."_

I nodded and let him kiss me, healing the metaphysical wounds.

I knew that I had fucked him to feel again as he did me.

But I didn't regret it. I never felt more complete. His hands on my hips and lips at my neck – he was mine. He moved with me and that was all I ever wanted.

_Finally._

His hair tickled my nose as he sucked on my nipple. He grunted and moaned with pleasure because _I_ made him feel that way.

Afterward, he looked confused but relaxed as he ran his hands down my bare back.

I hugged him and pressed my chest into his, and then he drove me home in my car and held me all night.

Edward said _Bella_ twice in his sleep.

I knew he still loved her.

The next morning, he told me he cared about me and wanted to try and make a relationship work. Maybe I was his second choice, but I didn't care. This was how it was supposed to me. I was his girl and I would ease my way into first place. I had to.

It didn't take long for me to fall completely for him – it had never really faded. But it wasn't enough for him. He left me after a couple months of dating. He said that he wasn't ready and needed time.

But that didn't stop him from coming back again and again to share my bed.

I let it happen because I was in love with him and I needed something from him – _anything._ I hoped that maybe if I stayed in his life in some way, then whenever he changed his mind about a relationship, I would be the first woman he would turn to.

I waited.

Until last Monday.

On that day, a week ago, he invited me over and it wasn't about sex anymore. In fact, he didn't even attempt to fuck me like he usually did. He made me dinner.

Dinner!

We watched movies and made out. We just made out!

It was nice. He seemed normal again.

I felt like I was in high school but instead of Mike Newton's plaid couch, it was Edwards' leather one and no fucking dog was watching.

After that night, we hung out with his friends.

It was like he paraded me in front of them to prove a point.

That he was okay again. That _I_ healed him.

I was proud to be the girl on his arm.

There was no hiding our _togetherness_.

We were out in the open.

When he left to bring Bella back to Forks to be with an ailing Charlie, I panicked. But he insisted that all he wanted to do was put the past to rest.

He wanted me to help him, to be his guiding light, and trust him.

But I couldn't help but feel insecure.

Compared to Bella, I knew I would never be enough for him.

I kissed him and loved him with everything I had to give.

"_Come home to me,"_ I told him.

I wanted to be his home.

So now he is with her, in a U-haul, driving across the country.

I sent him texts, too afraid to call him. I had to do something to remind him of what he had at home.

_My bed is cold without you_, I typed.

I'm afraid that he won't be the same when he gets back.

And what will Bella think when he tells her about us?

At first, I hoped she would feel upset. But part of me also wonders if we would ever be friends again.

She was the only girlfriend I'd ever had.

But still, when it comes to Edward, my past resentment is still there and there is no way I will ever lose him again.

I want her to know that she can't turn back the clock. She let him go and he has me now – forever – as was always meant to be.

**I hope you all have a better understanding about Jess as well as Edward and Bella after this chapter. **

**Epov is next up for next chapter. I left his scared shitless up in the Arch. That poor guy! **

***crawling our under my big fluffy blanket * Is it alright to come out now?**

**Leave me sugar, please. Like I said, this was the toughest chapter to date for me. I would really like feedback.**

**Don't forget that my other fic Every October is updating Monday! And you can follow me on Twitter, Larin20**


	17. Eyes Up

**A/N Hello lovelies! Let's see it's been (looks at calender) a real long ass time since I updated TW. I know, I know....(grumbling) and I won't write out a whole bunch of excuses. Just know that I really appreciated all of the response from last chapter and how much you liked or didn't like Jess's POV. Also thank you so much for keeping up with me on Twitter and through Pm's. Many of you were concerned if I would finish this story and the answer will always be YES. I never have any intentions of abandoning it. I had also decided to make updates a little shorter so I can update more, but knowing me shorter chapters won't happen. LOL. **

**MissAlex is my fine beta who stayed up very late editing this and it's her Birthday today so go over and read her story Rebel without a Cause! Happy B-day A! Love you! **

**Previously …......**

_"So what if I break first, what do you win?" I asked._

_The line advanced towards the tram doors and Edward didn't respond. Instead he turned pale eying the tram doors and he visibly gulped. The tram attendant directed us into what looked like a Jettison pod from the Death Star. It was small, fitting about six people, albeit very uncomfortably._

_Edward looked at me before getting in and the fear was etched on his whole face. My stomach dropped and I felt so guilty making him do this. But he got on anyway without protest and warily took his seat._

_We huddled close together on the seats as four more people crammed into the tram. I was practically sitting on Edward's lap. I peeked at him out of the corner of my eye to see if he was comfortable about our ascent._

_He looked tense and the furrow between his eyebrows deepened. The tram jerked, pressing me into him. I felt him stiffen next to me and I moved my hand down my knee next to his hand. Our knees touched together and my fingertips brushed his. He looked at me and I smiled, letting my pinkie finger gently move back and forth against his skin._

_The all-familiar tingling sensation erupted up my arm, but this time I knew he felt it too because he linked his pinkie around mine and smiled._

_My breath hitched at our innocent touch while he closed his eyes and pressed his lips together._

_After a few moments, his eyelids fluttered open. His stare looked dark and serious._

_"Bella, if I win, then we talk about...everything."_

_Shit_

**Chapter 17: Eyes Up**

_**Edward**_

"I don't care what you think! Just turn left," I ordered, pointing across the cab of the U-haul toward the next street up the road. Lately it was becoming very difficult to keep my temper in check.

"That's not the way, Edward," Bella argued as she peered out the windshield, squinting at the street signs bathed in darkness.

"Why won't you listen to me?" I asked.

Operating on zero food in my stomach was making me feel even more irritable. I inhaled deeply, attempting to calm myself down.

Plus, I had additional incentive for staying relaxed. In all honesty, if Bella and I were really serious about our bet, then I needed to win.

I was ready to get things out in the open. Clear the air. Whatever relationship was going to come out of this trip together could not be based on resentment. I owed that to Charlie as well as myself.

Bella was obviously trying her best to remain unaffected by my arguing, by using her most prized strategy - avoidance.

_Figures._

She either really wanted a free beer or she wanted to pretend that Jake cheating on her never happened.

Maybe she didn't care. But if she was anything like the old Bella, she would.

I also thought she might believe that losing the bet would bring up the subject of Jess - which would've been right - and possibly, she didn't want to deal with my relationship with her just yet. In fact, it was pretty fucking clear. The way her lips curled into a sneer and her face scrunched up when she found that picture on my phone and read Jess' text message, told me as much. Well, Bella would have to get over it when I won this bet. I meant it when I said that we would talk about everything.

Unfortunately, nothing I said was pushing her buttons so it looked like I'd have to result to over-acting to see if she would break.

I hated myself for doing that but I had no choice. It was the competitive side of me coming out.

"Why won't you listen tome?" she snapped, a sly smile spreading across her lips.

Realization hit me and I held back my own smirk.

_And there it is._

That grin was hers, which I knew all too well, was proof positive that she was deliberately trying get my goat. _She _was purposely trying to get _me_ riled up, while I attempted to use the same strategy on her.

Well, I wouldn't fall for it.

"Uh..." I paused and she cocked an eyebrow. "You're really not good with..." My voice trailed off.

I didn't want to say something rude because I wasn't going to be the first person to give in, no matter how badly I wanted to talk. Even though I thought that Bella was extremely hardheaded, I was also aware that I equally just as bad.

So I played it cool. "In my past, all I've ever done was listen to you," I replied carefully. "And now history is repeating itself with this road trip. Why doyou think _you're_ driving the U-Haul right now and not me?"

Bella scoffed. "You were too tired to drive," she countered. "You said so yourself, so don't try to turn that around on me." She pointed her finger in my face. "If it's anyone's fault that we _might _be lost, it's yours!"

Bella retracted her hand and gripped the steering wheel tightly until her knuckles turned white.

I tried in vain to hide my smirk behind my fist. She was playing right into my plan. Even though she was trying so hard not to get aggravated, she_ so _was. She caught me stifling my laughter and swiftly hit me across the chest with the back of her hand.

"Ow! Hey!" I shouted, rubbing the spot over my heart where her hand connected.

"Stop it!" she ordered. "Right now! You promised, remember? No trying to get me upset on purpose."

I gave her a wink which seemed to get her even more riled up. "Hey sweetheart - I'm just stating the obvious. Nothing more."

"Whatever," Bella dismissed me with a wave of her hand, looking completely disinterested.

Bella had offered to drive after our visit to the Arch, insisting that the _Crown Candy Kitchen_ wasn't far away and that she had printed directions which would get us there quickly. She told me that I looked too tired and drained, which was true. Our little excursion up the Arch wasn't exactly my cup of tea.

But it had turned out better than I expected. Much better.

I threw my head back with a chuckle. "Of course you would blame me for _you _getting us lost"

Bella slammed on the breaks, stopping the U-Haul in the middle of the city street. I glared at her and then checked our side mirrors, making sure that the road was vacant. The last thing we needed was to cause an accident, especially in this piece of shit. It was a fucking tank.

I exhaled a deep breath.

"Bella..." I warned through clenched teeth.

"I don't want to fight with you," she insisted.

She looked tense as she turned in her seat to face me. Obviously, she didn't care that we were still in the middle of the damn road.

"Look Edward," she continued. "Bet or no bet, I'm not sure how ready I am to put myself out there with you. I know that you and I have a lot of issues to work through but it's only been one day. One day isn't going to fix five years of...whatever it is we went through."

A horn blared behind us and we both jumped, peering into the rearview mirror. Bella pushed on the gas and the truck jerked forward, continuing down the street.

Bella looked at me and raised her eyebrow, completely ignoring the fact that she'd put us in danger just a few moments ago. I decided to let it go. After all, I was the one taking the high road here, right?

"Besides," she giggled. "I'm too excited about toasting to my win with a tall frosty glass of Blue Moon, that you're paying for."

I laughed. "Don't be so sure of yourself. We still have yet to find the restaurant and make it through the meal. There is still time for you to blow a gasket."

Bella narrowed her eyes at me and I held up my hands in defense with a defiant grin on my face.

"Not that I'm going to try to make you mad on purpose," I lied. "But I would like to make it to the restaurant in one fucking piece - and before daybreak - so my stomach doesn't start to eat itself or other vital organs."

"Hardy Har Har!" Bella grumbled, turning the U-Haul down another deserted, dark street.

Looking out the window at our surroundings, I shook my head. She had no fucking idea where she was going and by the looks of things, this part of town wasn't a good area to get lost in, especially at this hour. It was a quarter to nine, dark out, and I wasn't sure - if we ever happened to find the restaurant - whether or not it would even be open at this point.

My suspicions that we were in the bad part of town were validated once I noticed some riff-raffs - as Charlie would call them - hanging on street corners, eying our vehicle as we passed by. My instincts kicked in and I rubbed my ankles together, making sure that my gun was still in its holster.

Out of the corner my eye, I noticed Bella biting her lip.

So stubborn.

I wished she would just admit that we were lost. I could tell she didn't like the area we were in as much as myself.

"Let me have the directions so I can help," I reasoned, holding out my hand. Bella put her knee up to the steering wheel, steadying it, while she fiddled with the printed directions, completely ignoring me.

"You know, I'm an officer of the law and can cite you for not having your hands at ten and two," I joked. "And why the hell don't we have a Garmin or something?"

Rolling her eyes, she pressed her lips together. Two could play that game, so I exaggerated a huff, hoping that she could hear my irritation.

"Come on, Bella," I pressed. "Let me have a look."

"I got it, Edward," she persisted. "We're not far away now."

I had a feeling she wasn't so sure about that.

Scanning the area, it didn't look like this part of town thrived on business and entertainment, let alone a candy shop. Well, maybe these streets did house businesses and entertainment, but not the legal kind.

"Okay, at least tell me what street we're looking for."

Bella looked down at the paper in her hands, squinting. "I think it's 1401 St. Louis Avenue."

"You _think _or you _know_, Bella?"

She brought the paper to her face, inspecting the document closely, all the while doing the balancing act with her knee on the wheel. Without raising her head, she reached up and flipped on the dome light above to get a better read.

"Um, well...." she replied. "I_ know_ we're headed east, so if we hit Jefferson and then go north, we should be good."

Looking outside, I saw the Arch in the distance to my left, situated on the riverbanks of the Mississippi. The river separated Illinois and Missouri, and I knew that Illinois was to our east, so that meant anything going away from the river, was west.

Fucking hell.

We were headed in the opposite direction.

"You're driving west, Bella." I informed her.

Her eyebrows furrowed as she gestured toward the dash, next to the clock. "What? No, we're going _east_. The built-in compass in this thing indicates _east_."

"I think it's broken," I muttered.

Bella tapped the glass of the compass with her forefinger. The gauge moved a little but stayed pointed in the same direction. "I think it's working," she commented.

"Try pulling down this street on the left and see what happens," I suggested. "If it changes direction, then we'll know for sure that it's working."

Bella shrugged and turned onto Glasgow Avenue, keeping her eyes trained on the compass.

Lo and behold, the compass needle didn't move.

I hid my smile, looking away. I wanted to gloat, but I didn't, in keeping with my _'I'm-going-to-be-the-bigger-person-here'_ objective.

"Well, poop," Bella mumbled, letting the directions fall to her lap.

I snorted, tossing her an amused look. "Poop?" I chuckled. "Did you just say, poop?"

Bella pulled the truck over to the side of the road, shifted into park and cut the engine. "Poop is better than your potty mouth," she countered with a smile, her eyes crinkling at the corners. "How many times can one person say _'fuck'_ anyway?"

I shrugged. "It's commonplace around the precinct, and plus, it's all still bathroom humor to me, my love."

Bella's face fell, killing whatever lightheartedness hovered around us, and she gripped the wheel tightly.

"Don't," she whispered, squeezing her eyes shut. "Just don't."

I was confused by her sudden change in mood.

Bella opened her eyes and drifted her gaze away from me. I moved my body closer to hers, but only a few inches, hoping to get some sort of explanation. I'd tested the waters being so close to Bella today and succeeded, but I didn't want to overdo it.

Just being in her presence brought back memories that I'd tried suppress for years because they were too painful. But judging from how my body reacted to her today, I knew that I'd been foolish. Yeah, sure, we had a painful past, but there were a lot of good times too.

And it pissed me off that thoughts of Jess weren't keeping me in control of my thoughts or actions when it came to Bella, considering that it wasn't a good idea for me to get too attached to her again. It was like whenever I was with Bella, she superseded all of my rationale. No matter what I did, I was drawn to her.

I dipped my head, trying to get her to look into my eyes. "Bella?"

With her lips forming a tight line, she shook her head.

Her moods today changed so fast that I couldn't keep up with her - or my own, for that matter. As funny as it sounded, I wished that I was back on the observation deck of the Arch.

I didn't know how to feel about my reaction when Bella delicately massaged my fingers on the way up the Arch. Since I knew that it was only temporary, I wanted to push her away - figuratively speaking since we were shoved like sardines in the tram - but I couldn't.

I knew that going up that tall monstrosity would be too much and I should've been aggravated that I was allowing this to happen between us again - the closeness - but it felt too good to let go of what we were sharing. So I looked past my anger that had built up from our past and just reveled in the new way I felt. Safe.

I was a cop who carried a gun, yet _Bella_ made me feel safe.

I was surprised. Was it possible that I was truly ready to forgive her and myself after all of this time?

Seeing Bella so upset and crying earlier had definitely stirred up my old feelings of protectiveness over her. That was pretty much the deciding factor that forced me to work on giving up my bullshit. Closure was behind me now. I needed acceptance.

We were both so far from who we used to be. We needed to embrace the new versions of ourselves, even if we weren't sure what that was yet, and then, accept each other.

Basically, if things were ever going to be okay with us again - to whatever extent that entailed - we needed to talk. Badly.

I was ready for that. Her...not so much. That was pretty damn clear.

As we rode up the Arch, Bella grazed her fingers over mine and I closed my eyes, trying to relax. But instead of focusing on slowing down my breathing, I focused on _her_. Everything about her. Her scent, her calming presence. She was there for me. Bella was my comfort and my lost constant which had gravitated back to me, much like a compass needle always points to the north.

Then, in my moment of peace with Bella, Jess fluttered through my mind.

And I hated myself.

When we reached the top of the Arch, I was afraid that I was going to lose it and fall apart. I tried not to show weakness, but it was too much. I didn't like heights, yet there I was. I was mad that I let myself get into that situation.

However, I also reminded myself that Bella was good at distractions - at least when it came to getting into my head and annihilating all of my rational thoughts, she was. So even though I spotted that damn Arch as we drove over the Mississippi River into St. Louis, and saw how high it was, I didn't think twice about it. Well, I thought about it once but what I didn't notice was that we crossed over a rather high bridge getting into the city. Normally, that would have bothered me but my head was too overwhelmed with _her_ to care.

From our trip up the Arch, I'd learned that Bella was the only one that could get me to face my fear. Not only did my past experience when I fell from cliff affect my sleep, but my fear of heights also affected my career. Charlie was sick and I wasn't close to any of my other co-workers, so it wasn't like I could open up to them and gain understanding, help and sympathy. Charlie was aware of my issues, but he'd always helped me deal with them in a roundabout way - never bringing it up directly - an approach which I'd appreciated greatly.

I acted nonchalant about my fall around Emmett and Jasper so they wouldn't see how crippling my fear actually was. Aside from Charlie's awareness, it was something I'd always wanted to deal with by myself. But being around Bella again changed all that, much like her essence helped me when I was sinking in the water after I toppled over that cliff.

That revelation forced me to sit my ass in the tram up the Arch and deal with my fear head on, regardless of how scared I felt.

The promise of our bet on the way up helped keep my mind occupied to a certain degree, but as soon as we stepped off the tram and walked slowly toward the observation deck, things got worse. Every pore in my body was leaking massive amounts of sweat, my head spun and my heart pounded so hard that I thought its force would shatter my rib cage.

The observation deck was a narrow corridor with a platform on either side that you could lean against and look out toward the city. Windows lined each side, looking to the east and west. That wasn't all - the amount of people in that tiny space was extremely unnerving.

Men, women and children darted from window to window, looking out in earnest, and all I could think about was how easily an accident like what happened to me up on the cliff could occur up here as well - regardless of the safety and strength of the layers of steel and glass.

The visitors' faces were awestruck and the laughter and the chatter was deafening. Panicked, I looked to Bella, feeling my legs beginning to sway and bend, struggling to hold up my weight. The fear started to take over and my hands tingled with anxiety.

Without hesitation, Bella grasped my hand tightly and guided us toward one side of the deck. She stood up straight and gave me encouraging taps on my palm with her thumb. She was my metronome amongst the chaos of my phobia, steadying me, giving me what I didn't know I needed - someone to lean on. Trust_. _

She wasn't going to let me fall. I knew it.

Carefully, Bella balanced her free hand on the platform and looked out through the windows. I stayed a foot behind her, studying the floor. After all, the dark grey spotted carpet was very fascinating.

_Right._

I bit my lip in concentration, trying to keep my mind occupied with anything that didn't have to do with long plunges off of high places. Bella's smooth fingers continued to caress mine. She hadn't let go, not once.

It occurred to me that even though she hadn't mentioned it, she was well aware of my fear. Hell, Charlie probably told her on the phone. I told him after the accident that I didn't want him to call Bella and tell her any of it - not the cliff-diving, the fall, the hospital, nothing.

I didn't want her misplaced pity. I didn't want her disapproval. And most of all, I didn't want her _not _to care. It would have ruined me.

"Don't let it control you," she whispered up on that Arch as she tightened her hand around mine.

A man passed by, shoving my shoulder and I winced. His unintentional gesture reminded me that I wasn't ready to conquer my fear.

"I can't," I muttered, looking anywhere but at her.

But my efforts were futile. Once again, I was drawn to her.

The halo of the setting sun framed her mahogany hair, casting a ethereal glow behind her head. The brilliant golden rays accentuated her delicate features, reminding me of the Virgin Mary. Bella looked too stunning, too pure in that dazzling light that shadowed her face.

In that one moment, she encompassed everything I missed about her. Her carefree nature, her innocence, her unadulterated beauty - before our lives went to shit, taking our relationship with it.

Looking back on that spectacular vision of Bella, I know that was my true test of perseverance.

"You can," she urged, stepping closer to me. "Just look at the rooftops, the outline of the city. It's breathtaking."

My jaw clenched and my breathing picked up. I felt my hand being tugged, my feet moving only centimeters. I resisted and turned my head. I knew her hand would be there to help me. I could sense it.

Sure enough, Bella's palm cupped my jaw, her touch gentle and tentative. "Open your eyes, please," she begged, her voice barely more than a whisper.

Even amongst the commotion I could hear her clearly, as though we were the only two people around.

I shook my head. "I'm here, aren't I? I made it this far - looking is overrated."

"Please Edward, don't miss this. This beauty can never be overrated." Bella's hand stilled on my jaw, firm and embracing. "I got you," she promised. "I'm with you."

The power of her words gave me strength. I kept my head pointed downward as I cracked my eyes open.

"Just sweep your eyes across the city ahead of you. Don't look down," she advised.

Slowly, I lifted my head, knowing that I couldn't deny her or myself anymore. She was giving me an opportunity that no one else could and man, I needed it. I'd stayed in my prison for far too long.

Warily, I turned my gaze toward hers. Bella's eyes looked compassionate as they wandered over my face. The creases in her forehead deepened from concern and she dropped her hand from my jaw. I felt the loss immediately.

"Eyes up, remember?"

"Eyes up," I repeated, my voice quiet.

I bent at the waist and peered out of the small rectangular window toward the west, keeping my eyes up. The city skyline was illuminated with brilliant facets of gold and red, peeping through the tall buildings and structures. The sun had set enough so that the rays were low, but they still set the city on fire.

It looked like I was amidst an inferno - like the city's buildings were alive with heat and flames. The thousands of lighted dots that made up the windows of each structure reminded me of glowing eyes - intense and unwavering.

"Did you know that there is an ordinance in St. Louis that no building can be taller than the Arch?" Bella spoke softly in my ear. "That's why there are no skyscrapers."

"How do you know that?" I asked, keeping my eyes on the sunset.

"I overheard someone say it downstairs. It could be a lie for all I know." Bella shrugged next to me, her body so close as though she was holding me up. I was shaking so I was thankful for her presence.

Looking out at the city again, I decided that what she'd heard was true. There were no skyscrapers and every building that stood gloriously in the city didn't summit the height of the Arch.

"Whoever made that rule was a smart person." I mused, letting go of Bella's hand. I leaned closer to the window, getting more of a view, remembering her mantra.

_E__yes up._

"Why do you think that?" She asked.

I glanced at her over my shoulder with a grin. "Because they must've seen what I'm looking at now. I've never seen anything like it - it's like looking at a painting."

Bella stepped beside me and looked out at the view again. "You're right. They must've been a very smart person." She nudged me with her shoulder and we smiled at each other, holding eye contact until Bella cleared her throat and looked away.

Something passed between us in those few moments - our eyes had spoken a thousand silent words. It felt good.

We looked at the skyline for a few more minutes before turning to leave. Bella reached for my hand again and held it all the way down the crowded tram to the bottom. Once we exited, she let go and took off for the museum. Whatever had happened with us at the top of the Arch vanished immediately, replaced by awkwardness.

Sighing, I shoved my hands into my pockets and followed her as we toured the exhibits. We didn't spend too much time browsing the museum because it was getting late. I stopped by security, retrieved my firearm, and Bella eyed the weapon the entire time as I strapped on my ankle holster. We didn't speak a word until we got back to the truck. And I was fine with that. I needed some time to process what I was feeling.

Now, as we sat in the truck, lost somewhere in St. Louis, I knew I'd done something wrong. However, I had no fucking clue what it was.

I looked over at Bella across the cab.

"Don't what?" I asked.

My fingers ran jagged lines along the vinyl seat, desperate to reach to Bella. But the invisible boundary that had just been erected between us made me keep my hands to myself. I wanted to pull her into my arms and run my hands through her hair.

But I didn't.

She sighed. "Please, don't call me that. It makes me feel uncomfortable."

I blinked, still confused. "Don't call you what?"

Bella looked at me like I'd grown a second head.

"My love," she murmured with a gut-wrenching sadness laced in her voice.

Stunned, I snapped my mouth shut. I called her _my love_?

Man, and I thought things were awkward before.

"Uh, I'm sorry." It was the only reply I could come up with.

Bella folded her hands in her lap, squaring her shoulders. "It's okay. I just wasn't expecting to hear that, you know?"

_Neither had I._

I used to call Bella, _my love,_ all the time. It became as familiar as calling her by her first name.

Why was I saying it _now_ though?

That was a stupid question and I knew it.

_Fuck. _

Today, things had gone from being bad to okay to _I-have-no-fucking-clue_.

We sat in silence for a few moments, our soft breaths and the muffled noises coming from outside, our only backdrop. I looked at the clock on the dash. It was getting late. We couldn't sit here all night, so someone had to say something.

"Why don't you let me see the directions and we can get to this place before the sun rises?" I suggested. "I really don't feel like getting lost anymore than we are." I motioned out the window. "Look around. There's nothing out here, and like I said before, it really doesn't look like a safe part of town. I can't just hop out of the truck and ask directions."

Bella sighed, picking up the directions, studying them once again. "I'm sure we're not far away," she remarked.

"Can I see?" I asked.

"I can do it, Edward," she huffed, batting my hand away.

She started up the engine and pulled out onto the street. Holding the directions with one hand, and keeping her other hand on the wheel, Bella peered out the windshield.

"Let me see here..." She furrowed her brow, concentrating. "If I go back east and take a right..no left..at Jefferson..."

"Let me have the directions so I can help," I pressed.

The truck lurched to the left and we narrowly missed hitting a parked car.

"Bella, come on!" I yelled, my frustration getting the best of me. "Let me navigate. Why are you so insistent on not wanting my help?"

"I can do this by myself," she argued.

"It's easier if one of us reads the directions while the other drives," I explained calmly. "You know - something called _teamwork_."

Bella gritted her teeth. "No, we're not a team. We're just two people who happen to be traveling together to get to the same destination."

"What does that supposed to mean?" I scoffed. "That I'm a fucking stranger to you?"

Bella placed the directions in between her legs and made a hard left. "That's exactly what we are Edward," she sneered. "Strangers."

"You're so full of shit! You know that?" I rested my arm on the back of the seat, glaring at her. "I know you better than anyone. Anyone!"

What the hell was she trying to prove?

_Jesus!_

Ignoring my comment, Bella shook her head. "I have to do this on my own."

"Why?"

"Because!" Bella fought back.

"If Emmett were here, would you let him help you?"

"Yes, p-probably," she stuttered.

"You're being so pigheaded!"

"You're being an asshole!"

"Or really, how so?" I shouted.

"You just ….are!" Bella yelled back, matching my tone.

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, that's a real fucking good reason you have."

"Shut up, Edward! Just shut up!"

"No! I won't shut up, Bella!" I argued. "We're in the fucking 'hood, the ghetto, the projects, the wrong side of the motherfucking tracks. Wherever we are, it's not the safest place to be after dark. And if you don't like that I'm strapped, I can assure you that if we hang out here any longer, we're gonna meet someone carrying something bigger than my nine millimeter, and then you're _really_ gonna be pissed. You know, we don't exactly look like locals."

Bella let out a wail, surprising the hell out of me, and stopped the truck alongside on the curb. She shifted into park and jumped out of the car, slamming the door shut behind her. Thankfully, I noticed that we ended up on Jefferson, where we needed to be. The restaurant wouldn't be far away.

She stalked toward the sidewalk and I exited the vehicle, determined to get her to stop acting so childish and stop putting her safety at risk.

She was so fucking stubborn!

I slammed the my door and rounded the front of the truck, stopping in my tracks. What I saw on the other side of the truck shredded me from the inside out.

Bella sat on the curb, holding her legs into her chest. Tears trailed down her face, dripping from her chin onto her knees, rocking back and forth. I ran my hands through hair, pulling at the ends, tired both emotionally and physically.

I sat down next to her, leaving a couple of inches between us, my eyes sweeping the area with an uneasy feeling. It was too dark and desolate, too many shadows for people to hide in. I lifted my pant leg and rested my hand on the butt of my gun. Just in case.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you," I whispered, her muffled sobs tugging at my heart.

She sniffled and lifted her gaze. "I'm sorry too."

"I just wish you would-"

"I need to do this alone, Edward. Because if I don't know how to get myself un-lost now, when I get back home, I won't have the confidence to survive on my own."

"That's what I'm here for, Bella." I assured."Charlie sent me to get you home safe."

"No, you don't get it," she cried.

"What? What don't I get?"

"When Charlie is gone..." She choked up. "There is going to be no one left."

"That's not true. You have Alice and Rose, Renee and...Jake." My voice trailed off.

I wanted to say _and me _but I held back.

Bella sobbed into her bent knees. "Alice and Rose don't need to be burdened by me. They have their own lives. And Renee would never step foot back in Forks." She stopped and wiped her eyes.

She didn't mention Jake.

I lifted my gaze toward the sky. The clear, twinkling night looked magnificent. I thought about how wonderful it felt to see the sunburst sky from the Arch and how it led to such a calm, sparkling night.

It was ironic that now I was sitting with Bella as _she _voiced her fears to _me_, when earlier the situation was reversed. As day faded into night, our roles had switched, yet the ties that bound us were still as strong as before.

I had spent so long pushing people away in order to get over the pain of my parent's loss and Bella's betrayal. But Bella went through much of the same. Jake had betrayed her trust and Charlie was dying, slowly. His death was inevitable, yet drawn out - the harsh reality she would have to face when we returned to Forks.

I could relate to Bella's self-preservation tactics. I felt the same way about Emmett and Jasper how she felt about Alice and Rose. I didn't want my psycho bullshit to bother them either. I, too, didn't want to be a burden.

Charlie was the only one that really understood either of us.

Lost in the devastating truth that one day soon, he would be gone, I longed to wrap my arms around Bella, cling to her, and enable us to use each other to stay afloat.

I wanted Bella to know that she would never be alone, and that I understood how she thought she would be. If I spilled my heart out now, she would never have to rely on Jake anymore. I would be that safe place for her - not him.

The chill of the air caused my skin to bump. I was glad that Bella was still wearing my jacket because she would've been cold if she wasn't.

"I've never felt so helpless in my entire life," Bella wept, glistening tears streaming down her pink-tinged cheeks.

I reached out apprehensively and rested my hand against the middle of her back, rubbing small circles. She shivered upon contact but she didn't pull away. Neither did I.

"You're not alone," I assured. "And don't ever think that you're a burden to anyone, myself included."

Bella sniffed. "Don't pretend that you had a choice in bringing me back to Forks. I know you would do anything Charlie asked."

"True, I would do anything for him. But..." I cleared my throat. "That's not the reason why I'm here now."

Bella gazed at me with somber eyes. "Then why are you here, Edward?"

"Because I don't want to be alone either," I confessed. "And I want that void filled by you. No one else will understand but us. Friends, remember?"

A flicker of emotion passed across her moonlit features. She understood. "Friends," she repeated.

We were so much alike that it hurt to even think about it, especially after all the painful things we'd said and done to each other in the past. But now we were bonded again. Like before only stronger - with hope that this time that we'd emerge unscathed.

She needed me and I needed her. I'd already lost my parents and she was about to lose Charlie. I'd been so stupid for so long - so hurt and so _blind_.

Bella scooted closer to me and rested her head on my shoulder, nuzzling her cheek against the fabric of my t-shirt.

"I don't know what I'll do without my dad," she whispered, her voice quivering.

"Me either," I admitted, grasping her hand.

Without warning, Bella's expression crumbled and she collapsed into a fit of tears, her body shaking against mine, her tears soaking my shoulder.

"I got you. I'm with you," I breathed, pulling her close, repeating her words from earlier, hoping that they could provide her the solace they did me.

"I'm sorry, Edward," she whimpered. "I'm such a big pain in the ass."

I hugged her tighter. She hid her face in the crook of my neck as she wiped away her tears.

"It's fine," I chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. "You're just a small pain in my ass. Nothing I can't handle."

Bella sniffled and even though I couldn't see her face, I knew that she was smiling.

"You still smell the same," she murmured.

_So do you..._

"I haven't showered in a couple of days," I laughed, breathing in her lovely scent that I missed so much. "I probably don't smell too great."

"You smell like...Edward. Like home."

She looked up at me and as I gazed down at her tear-streaked face, mere inches from mine, it felt like the whole world around us stood still. The years we'd been apart receded and all we had was this moment, right here, right now.

In the light of the moon tonight, her rich chocolate eyes swallowed me whole. God, how I'd missed that gorgeous she was.

As Bella's expression shifted and she beamed up at me, I felt the corners of my mouth turn up too.

_Home._

Everything about her was my home. I couldn't deny that anymore. The way her body melted into mine, the way her breath grazed my skin - even her soothing scent. She was still mine, my home, my constant, my everything.

_My love._

As I stared down as my precious Bella in my arms, two questions popped into my head.

Why had life treated us both so unfairly and how could I let her go after this?

The answers were plain and simple.

One: I had no fucking clue.

And two: There was no way in Hell that I was ever going to.


	18. There's No Place Like Home

**A/N Hello lovlies! I'm back and (looks at watch) it hasn't been months and months since an update! (pats self on the back) I'm know, I'm oodles of awesome. But you know who is super duper fucking WIN? MissAlex. She beta'ed this so fast and mostly because she loves me so much. But I love her even more because she is the best and connects all my dots. Thank you my dear!**

**Don't forget to join us over at the Bffersoffanfic (dot) com It's an excellent place for recs and pictures of my husband (cough) I mean Rob and a whole lot more. Come, Come....**

**Twilight isn't mine. **

**Chapter 18: There's No Place Like Home**

_**Bella**_

I needed a milkshake...

Maybe something cheesy and meaty too...

And I needed my pride back...but I think I lost that completely.

I sighed and discreetly glanced up from the menu at Edward. He sat across from me in the booth, perusing his own menu while drumming his fingers with one hand and running his other hand through his mussed up hair.

I almost forgot his nervous tick of constant hair pulling. It used to be one of the first signs that he was bothered and it looked like times haven't changed. His hair was still a charming disarray of kinks. He left his cap in the truck, since I pulled it off his head earlier today, and even though he looked very handsome with it on, I always loved his hair and I was glad that I could see it now.

His hair looked dirtier with every stroke of his hand. I knew it had been awhile since he showered and he mentioned that he might smell badly.

He didn't, by the way.

He smelled....perfect. Like I always remembered, and then some. I was having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that even his smell lured me in. I had a watered down version when I wore his leather jacket but actually being in his arms again was overwhelming.

This whole day was overwhelming. And even though I didn't want to, I needed to talk to Jake.

Edward groaned pulling me out of my thoughts.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"It's nothing."

I could tell that he was lying.

"Really?"

"Ya, I'm fine."

"Okay."

If he wasn't going to tell me what was wrong, then I wasn't going to push. I think we pushed enough buttons today and I just wanted to eat and relax a little before we got on the road again. Looking at Edward, I didn't think we should drive much more today. He looked like he was about to fall over.

My heart broke for him. Of course, I would offer to drive, but Edward already made it clear that I was not to take the wheel unless we were on a clear stretch of highway. Apparently, he didn't trust my navigation skills anymore. Getting lost in the "ghetto" as he put it, didn't bode with him well. The one thing about Edward that I was learning was that he had become even more protective after becoming a police officer. I guessed that having a gun does that to a man.

It still felt odd, that after all of this time, he still felt so strongly about my safety. Or maybe he was just flat out annoyed that I didn't listen to him. I didn't know. Really, everything I was feeling was so confusing. All I knew was that when Edward wrapped his arms around me, I felt safe. I felt protected and I felt that everything he told me was sincere.

He wanted to build our friendship, and assured me that I wouldn't be alone. I owed him the same in return. Since Charlie got sick, I bundled up a lot of my emotions, not wanting to burden anyone, not even Jake. He knew that I was upset I wasn't with my father, taking care of him. But I never broke down like I did tonight with Edward. It was like he brought out every emotion that I buried deep down.

I was reluctant to let on to Edward about how I felt about losing my father. He had dealt with enough while I was gone, since he was my father's soul caregiver. He didn't have to do any of it, but he did. And he didn't have to hold a quivering mess of an ex-girlfriend, like myself - but he did.

With everything that we had been through as a couple and as enemies, I wasn't quite sure why Edward was really here with me now, until he confirmed he was just as afraid to be alone as I was. He told me that he wanted me to fill that void. What exactly that entailed, I wasn't sure.

How close would we be again? Could we salvage a friendship that had been so marred with grief and guilt? Was it worth the potential heartache I could foresee? My only clear thought was that, inevitably, our paths would always be crossed. Charlie was his only family and losing him would impact his life as much as mine. We would both be losing a parent.

That revelation opened up my eyes a lot. After his parents died, Edward and Charlie formed an unbreakable bond that I didn't fully understand - or I didn't want to understand at the time, I suppose. The hurt was still too fresh and then being in Chicago didn't help things, as far as witnessing their day to day relationship firsthand.

Charlie didn't talk much about Edward to me, and neither did my friends. I put that burden on them and I truly was sorry. This whole time, I placed so much weight on their shoulders and I selfishly hid away in Chicago.

Out of sight, out of mind, was a trusted motto of mine.

How stupid I had been.

Edward's promise of friendship felt like a white flag. Every pass of his hand on my back as he soothed away the stress from my breakdown told me that. He comforted me and consoled me. I felt safe in his arms again, the closeness reminding me so much of what I was lacking with Jake. Resting my cheek on his shoulder made my head spin with thoughts of how I used to do this before and how it felt just like old times.

Friends.

If Edward was willing to make an effort, get over our past, or at least get passed the past, then I had to as well.

Lowering my menu onto the table, I folded my hands together, glancing around to see if our server was coming. Out of the corner of my eye, Edward peaked at me, still drumming his fingers, looking annoyed.

"Are you sure you're okay?" I asked again.

"Ya...it's just..." He stopped himself, continuously raking his hands through his hair.

"What is it?" I pressed.

"I don't know what I want to eat," Edward admitted.

I picked up the menu again, looking it over. "Oh. Um, well...what do you like?"

"Everything is so ...unhealthy," he muttered.

"Unhealthy?" I repeated under my breath.

We were in a candy shop, it was supposed to be unhealthy. Then I remembered that Edward refused to eat my truck stop snacks earlier and how he made fun of my junk food. How could I be so selfish? I should have asked him if coming here was okay with him. Instead, I only thought about what I wanted to do.

When I first planned this part of the trip, I was sure that Emmett would love this kind of place, knowing how much he loved to eat, but since Edward was here instead, and it was obviously that his eating habits had changed, I didn't think about what his needs would be.

Scanning the items again, I found one of Edward's favorites. "Look, they have a Reuben. You love Reubens." I smiled.

"I don't eat those anymore."

"Oh." I looked down again. "How about the BLT?"

"I don't eat bacon," he explained. "Or, at least, not often. Rose cooked breakfast the other day and I had a piece or two."

"Really? You never had a problem with it before."

I loved bacon it was second only to pancakes in my book.

"Yeah," Edward answered looking away.

"What's wrong with bacon?" I asked, confused.

"There is nothing wrong with it, it's just not..." Edward paused. "It's just not healthy. Plus, bacon is almost pure fat."

"But it tastes good," I snickered.

"Just because you find something delectable doesn't mean you should eat it, just because you crave it," he snapped.

Edward's eye bore into mine. It was clear that he wasn't talking about bacon anymore.

After a moment, he looked to his menu again. I sighed for the umpteenth time this evening.

I watched him looking over his menu, thoroughly. I'd never seen Edward so picky about what he ate. Rose always harped on my diet and I guessed that she got to Edward as well. I knew that she cooked at lot when she stayed over with Emmett at Edward's house.

"The turkey sandwich looks good," I offered.

"That's fine, I guess." Edward put his menu down and looked out the window.

So we were back to this again.

He was clearly detaching himself. For someone who promised to start building a friendship, he certainly wasn't acting like it. I was having a tough time compartmentalizing my feelings, but looking at Edward now, it seemed like he was having a hard time as well. Did anything that we told each other twenty minutes ago matter still? I hoped that he was truthful about wanting to be my friend and helping me when we got back to Forks, but part of me was leery that history would repeat itself and I wasn't ready to place all my trust in one basket.

After we let go of each other on that curb, I felt disenchanted, like the whole scenario was all just to make me feel better about myself - that maybe Edward wasn't as honest about his feelings as he let on. I was probably thinking too much into it. I shouldn't doubt his sincerity. It might have been a long time, but I could still feel the weight of his words, as if it was the Edward of five years ago speaking them.

The problem was that the Bella of the present had a hard time connecting the old and new Edwards, and realizing that they were the same person.

Staring at Edward now, he looked so weathered. His eyes were bloodshot and dark circles cradled them. Hopefully, he was just tired in general and not tired of me. I wasn't helping, either. I wanted to get my shit together and he was right, we needed to talk. But it was very evident that we really weren't used to one another anymore.

I feared that we would both blow up at each other and start laying blame like we have before. Maybe a night's rest would help us both clear our heads and get into a better place to discuss what happened - not just five years ago but also everything since then. One of the bigger issues was that I finally needed to ask about Jessica. If Edward and I were going to be friends at home, I had to accept that Jessica was going to be in his life.

Talking would be good for us. A lot of time had passed. We were both different now and we needed to reintroduce ourselves. Our hurt made us both jaded and it was hard letting go of that, but if he was ready, then I would be too.

_No more running, Bella. _

This was something I would tackle differently than Renee would.

I looked up from my menu. "I'm getting the chili dog and pineapple shake." I told him.

He scrunched up his face in disgust. "Do you know how much sugar and trans fat are in those?"

"No, but I'm sure you do," I rolled my eyes, but then winked, trying to lighten the mood.

Edward grumbled. "It's got a fuck-ton."

"I never really thought about what I ate before," I confessed. I had a fairly fast metabolism and I ate in moderation.

"I can remember. I thought after all these years you would wise up."

"It's not like I'm a complete junk-a-holic," I argued. "I never stopped cooking for Charlie when I was home - and I always cooked for Jake and Alice in Chicago."

He opened his mouth to protest but I held up my hand to stop him.

"And if you're referring to this afternoon and the food I bought at the truck stop, it's just for the trip Edward," I added in my defense. "I don't usually eat like that all the time. I'm not eating pork rings with a side of sour cream while washing it down with Kool-Aid at every meal. I do eat my veggies."

"I'm sorry, I'm not trying to lecture you. I'm not a saint either, Bella. But I like to watch what I eat most of the time.. I grill a lot and try to eat clean or as much unprocessed food as possible." Edward rubbed his jaw. "All I'm saying is that you should think about what you put in your body."

"I'm not really watching my weight, Edward."

"It's not about what you weigh, it's about what's inside. It's about health promotion and disease prevention. What you put in your body now can help prevent illness in the future. Anti-oxidants, minerals, vitamins, flaxseed, fish oil, colored fruits and vegetables....they all can be cancer preventative."

And there it was.

I lifted an eyebrow. "Cancer preventative?"

He nodded.

It was clear that Edward had changed his eating habits because of Charlie's illness. Of course. He wanted to take care of his body so he wouldn't have to go through what Charlie was going through. Charlie never really watched what he ate and I guess I got some of my habits from him.

Guilt weighted heavily on my shoulders as I mulled over Edward's comment. Perhaps all of those years at home, I could have done something, cooked better foods...offered up healthier suggestions to my father. Then maybe Charlie wouldn't be.....

I shook my head, trying to refocus my thoughts.

"Oh, I never thought about food like that before," I whispered.

"When Charlie got sick, it changed my perspective on a lot of things - not just food."

I was going to ask Edward about what he meant, but our server arrived to take our orders. "Hey, folks. I'm Maggie," she greeted, holding her pen and notepad. "Welcome to the Crown Candy Kitchen. What can I get for you tonight?"

Maggie looked at me first.

"It all looks really good and I would love to order one of everything, but I think I narrowed it down to..." I bit my lip, thinking. "Maggie, I don't see it on the menu, but do you have salad here?"

"We don't offer it on the menu but I can make you one if you like," she offered. "It's not a problem - we have all of the ingredients. Is a Chef's Salad, okay?"

I noticed Edward eyeing me with a large grin plastered across his face.

"Yes, that sounds great," I replied.

"Let's see here," Maggie tapped her chin with her pencil. "I'll include Iceberg lettuce, tomatoes, ham and turkey slices, bacon bits, cheese, a sliced egg and croutons. How's that?"

I looked at Edward with a smile and then focused back on Maggie. "I'll take it, but can you leave off the bacon and cheese, and can I have fat-free Italian dressing on the side?"

Maggie scribbled on her order pad. "Sure, not a problem. Anything to drink, sweetie?"

"I'll have a pineapple shake. But do you have a kiddy size?"

I heard Edward cluck his tongue and I smiled to myself without looking in his direction. I felt childish but I couldn't _not_ have a shake.

"Sorry, sugar, shakes are all one size," she explained. "But if you can't finish it all you can always take a to-go cup with you."

"Great! I'll have that and some water too," I added

"Good choice - pineapple is one of my favorites." Maggie wrote down the rest of my order and then turned to Edward.

"What about you, handsome?"

With a smirk, Edward kept his eyes trained me while he ordered. It wasn't until now that I realized he had kept his eyes on me the entire time I ordered too.

"I'll have what she's having but with only water," he told Maggie.

I smiled back at him. After his confession, a chili dog didn't sound that appetizing anymore and I secretly vowed that I would try to eat better.

I would clean up my life inside and out. For Charlie.

"You're not ordering a shake?" Maggie asked, surprised.

"No," Edward replied.

"We're known for our shakes and malts. I wouldn't miss it if I were you." Maggie coaxed. "You don't know what you're missing. How often do you get to have a hand-scooped _real _ice cream shake made for you by a dessert professional? I insist that you let me make you _the _best thing you could ever put in your mouth....besides your girlfriend, right here, of course."

She winked, leaning over Edward suggestively.

I gasped and felt my face flood with heat from embarrassment.

"I don't know, Maggie. I'm sure your shake is good, but Bella, here would be pretty hard to top." Edward said smoothly, playing along.

He didn't take his eyes off of me. I held his gaze, shocked by Maggie's boldness and Edward's admission.

"Well, I can see how sweet you are with her. I'll bring you a surprise for being such a good man to your woman." Maggie informed Edward.

She turned to me and placed her hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry, sugar. We're jokesters around here. Didn't mean to embarrass you. Anyway, this one here." She thumbed toward Edward, "Looks like a banana." She giggled and turned on her heel.

Edward's mouth dropped open. "Excuse me," he sputtered.

I snorted and laughed. Edward looked back at me. "Did you hear what she called me?"

"I don't think that she was calling _you_ a banana, Edward. I think she was naming the flavor of milkshake that you'd like. They have banana milkshakes." I pointed to the menu, which Maggie had failed to collect.

"Oh. But I don't want a milkshake," Edward protested.

"I don't think Maggie is taking no for an answer. Maybe ask her to put it in a to-go cup so you can have it on the ride out west. It will keep you awake since you still insist on driving. I wish you would change your mind and let me drive. You need some sleep."

"I just want to get to Denver, then I can sleep."

It annoyed me that Edward wasn't willing to stop for the night. Before we found the restaurant, I mentioned that we should get some rooms and rest for a couple of hours. But Edward just shook his head and told me he was fine to drive and that he wanted to get back on the road after we ate.

I didn't see the harm in stopping, but Edward was hell-bent on driving straight through. I even offered to pay for his room but he just laughed at me. I told him that once we made it to the main interstate, I would drive and then he could catch some sleep. Thankfully, that seemed to appease him.

I felt that the lack of sleep was starting to affect Edward. When we located the restaurant, he seemed extra jumpy as he emerged from the U-Haul. We had to park around the corner of the restaurant because there weren't available spots out front and Edward didn't like that the street lamp was busted above our vehicle.

He opened my door and helped me out of the cab, while studying our surroundings. He made sure that the doors were locked and that I had all of my valuables in my purse and he also wrapped his arm around my waist protectively as he ushered me around the corner toward the front of the restaurant. I wanted to feel oblivious to his touch, but my body wouldn't let me. His hand on my hip as we walked into the restaurant sent pleasurable shivers up my spine.

Dinner progressed uneventfully. We both ate our salads mostly in silence. It wasn't uncomfortable, just quiet. I think we both wanted to talk, but we didn't know how to start up a conversation, especially while at a restaurant.

We finished our salads just before closing and I drank half of my pineapple shake, asking Maggie for a to-go cup. Edward was true to his word and didn't touch his banana shake - probably out of spite, since Maggie called him a banana. However, he did ask for a to-go cup along with our bill, which he promptly paid before I could intercede. I narrowed my eyes at him but he ignored me.

Placing Edward's full to-go cup onto the table, Maggie frowned. "I'll only let you take my milkshake out of this establishment if you take a sip. It would be rude of you not to have at least one taste and plus, I want you to admit to me that it's the best thing to pass your lips."

"Fine, you win, Maggie," Edward smirked, lifting the Styrofoam cup to his lips. His cheekbones looked more prominent than ever as he placed the straw in between his teeth and sucked. His eyebrows rose and he swallowed.

Edward smacked his lips and took another sip, pausing for practically a full minute before replying, while Maggie waited with baited breath.

Finally, Edward placed the cup down and looked at our waitress. "I must say, Maggie - this milkshake is …still the second best thing I ever tasted."

He chuckled and braced his hands onto the table, pushing himself into a standing position.

My face was beet red. I knew it. I was blown away by Edward's obvious flirting. I wasn't prepared for his words - they were genuine without a hint of malice.

Edward held out his hand, assisted me out of the booth, and gestured for me to walk ahead of him. I felt his palm against my lower back as I turned and thanked Maggie.

"You're quiet welcome, sugar," she replied. "You keep that handsome boy of yours happy. Any man who can love a woman more than my shakes, is a man to keep."

"I'll make sure to tell his girlfriend that," I murmured. As soon as the words left my mouth, I regretted them.

Edward's body stiffened next to me and I stumbled over my feet. Edward caught my arm before I tripped. He let out an exaggerated breath, but said nothing. Righting myself again, I smiled weakly at Maggie and thanked her once more. Edward pushed me forward gently, urging me toward the door.

Leaving the restaurant, the street was now empty of cars and eerily quiet. Edward hadn't said a word about what I just said to Maggie and I wished that my mouth had a filter. To Maggie, we were deeply in love and it scared me that she assumed that just from looking at us.

It also scared me that I could tell that if I let any innocent flirting go on much more, something would happen between me and Edward. I could feel it looming under the surface of my skin - the immense attraction, the pull.

It was the same, if not stronger, than ever before. So much so that I wanted to push him up against the brick wall of this building right now and do nasty, sinful things. However, I didn't want to repeat of New Years behind the bar in Chicago. I was so weak then, so very weak, and I was no better now. In fact, I was worse. I didn't have Jake as a buffer or a distraction. Edward and I were going to be alone whether I wanted it or not. That night was the one of the toughest nights of my life, telling him I didn't love him. Lying to him through my teeth. I would never do that again.

We turned the corner, Edward's hand still on my back, guiding me through the dark street. The U-Haul was right where we left it, waiting patiently for us to return except there was something missing.

Edward lowered his hand from my back and dug into the pocket of his jeans for the keys and I rounded the side of the U-Haul. It didn't register at first, but then it hit me. The blood drained from my face.

"Veronica!" I shouted. I clutched my chest, feeling my heart pounding against my rib cage. "Edward! My car, it's gone!"

Tears formed in my eyes. My car. My Veronica was gone. All that was left was the trailer hitch, which was still connected to the U-Haul. The one and only thing outside of my education I worked hard for was now gone. I felt sick to my stomach.

Edward ran to my side, looking up and down the street. "Fuck! Where's your car?"

"I don't know!" I choked between sobs.

I stepped into the street, looking around aimlessly. My shoes crunched along the pavement and I looked down to find broken glass scattered everywhere.

Edward grabbed my hand and pulled back to the sidewalk. "Be careful, there's a bunch of glass."

"Someone stole my car," I muttered.

"I can see that," Edward mumbled, letting go of my hand and running his through his hair yet again.

"What do we do?!" I cried.

A million thoughts ran through my head. How could this happen and why would anyone want my shitty car? It wasn't fancy or expensive, it was an old Ford Taurus. Who would want to steal a beat-up old car?

Then it dawned on me.

My backseat. And the trunk.

Shit!

"Jesus Christ! Why the fuck does this shit happen to me?!" Edward bellowed, looking up toward the dark sky.

"Happen to you? It was_ my _car!" I scoffed, wiping the tears off my cheeks.

"I know it's your car!" Edward snapped.

I flinched at his harsh tone and turned away. Edward groaned and was behind me right away, rubbing his hands down my arms.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to raise my voice," he murmured. "We'll figure this out."

"I can't believe this happened."

"It's not your fault, Bella."

"It probably is." I wiped away another tear, fearing what I was about to tell him. His hands paused on my arms.

"What do you mean?"

I shrugged. "I had_ stuff_ in the car."

I swear, I could actually hear his eyes narrow. "What kind of_ stuff_?" he asked cautiously.

I shivered, bracing myself. I knew that he was going to blow up when I told him what was in the car.

My lower lip trembled and I caught it in between my teeth. "Um, my TV., DVD player, my desktop and laptop...and my trunk was full of clothes..." I winced, waiting.

Edward's hand left my arms and I heard him take a step back and inhale a very deep breath.

"You got to be fucking kidding me!" he moaned. "You had all that in the car? Why didn't you lock it in the U-Haul?!"

I chanced a look at him over my shoulder. He had his hands on his hips and his head down.

"I'm sorry," I told him, looking away, ashamed.

I should have thought things through. I should have packed all that stuff in the U-Haul, but I thought that the car would be more cushioned, in case my cargo was shaken or tossed around, in transit.

"Bella, that's basically inviting them to take it," Edward added.

"I'm sorry," I whispered again. "Jake covered most of it up with a quilt so no one would see it. I just wanted to get my things packed and ready...I didn't think..."

"Covered it with a quilt?! That's great! Next time we stop, I'm going to hide my wallet under the driver's seat, because thieves never check there. Jake's an idiot!" he roared, his voice echoing in the still, night air.

I turned around to face him as a fresh batch of tears welled up in my eyes. "Please, Edward," I begged. "It's my fault. It's mine. I should have known better."

"Don't defend him!" he shouted. "Never mind about you losing your stuff - it's replaceable. By leaving your stuff practically out in the open, Jake put _you_ in danger. He should have thought about your safety before he did something so careless. It's disgusting."

"Just don't start on Jake," I pleaded. "It wasn't him-"

"Stop defending him! I can't believe you." Edward ran his hands through his hair. "He is fucking another girl!"

My mouth dropped open and I battled with how to react.

"Why does that have to do with anything?" I countered.

"He's disrespecting you!" Edward moved within inches of me, his chest heaving with pent up rage. "How can he protect you and cherish you while he's screwing around behind your back?"

I looked up into Edward's eyes. "He disrespected me..." I said, exasperated. "That may be true, but I'm no better. I let you go down on me in an alley! I let you rip my panties off and invade me like a whore. How am I different from Jake? If Alice didn't come out of the bar, stopping us, I would have fucked you against those cold steps and never batted an eye. Tell me I'm not like him, Edward! Tell me!"

"You aren't like him, that was different!"

"How?" I pleaded.

"When it comes to you and me, we don't have a choice," he answered with utter conviction.

_A choice?_

I blinked several times, remembering that night. I took a step back from Edward since we stood dangerously close to the curb.

I remembered seeing Edward in the bar and my body moved toward him on its own accord. I couldn't instruct myself otherwise, nor did I want to.

He was right.

I had no choice. He knew it as well as I did. That night in the alley behind Delaney's was inevitable. The moment I saw Edward, the decision was made and I never wavered in thought because when it came to us, there was no thinking - I only did what was natural and what was natural for me was to be with him.

"I knew that once you saw me..." he paused, his eyes pleading. "I knew that once you saw me, it would be undeniable. I chose not to draw attention to myself. I stayed in the back of the bar so you wouldn't see me, meanwhile in my mind, I begged for you to look my way. And you did. You saw me and you came to me without hesitation, just like I hoped. You let me worship your body, something I needed. You did too, I felt it. I didn't care about anything except putting my mouth on your body to taste you, selfishly consuming as much of you as I could. I took from you and you didn't have a choice because I knew, deep down, that you wouldn't turn me away."

"Just stop, please," I begged, holding my head in my hands.

I couldn't listen to him anymore. Everything Edward was telling me was exactly how I felt too. But it wasn't as simple as that. Our lives weren't that easy anymore. I couldn't just give myself to Edward, when Jake had taken up so much of my heart. It felt like a betrayal to throw Jake away when he helped me through so much. That was the only thing that made me turn away from Edward that night. Well, a little bit of bitterness. But I owned it to Jake. Edward was selfish. I was selfish.

I shook my head, lowering my hands. "How could you come after me at the bar after all that time? That was so petty and selfish. You had no right to put me in that position, knowing I would act the way I did."

"Charlie told me you were coming home soon - that it would be the first time we would be in the same town together, living our lives so closely intertwined again after what happened between us. I knew that it would either kill me or drive me insane. You haven't seen the man I've become since you left. Our friends and Charlie sheltered you, they protected you from me, the one person who would hurt you the most. I had to make a choice then at the bar after you spotted me, and yeah it was a snap decision, but I had to know if there was anything left between us."

Fresh tears trailed down my face and my body shook from the chilly night air. Edward's leather coat that I snuggled in no longer felt as comforting as before.

"I was so angry that night," I hissed. "I couldn't believe that I had no control and I was mad. I was so mad at you, Edward."

"I remember."

I shivered. Edward moved toward me but I stepped out of his reach. The memories were still too fresh in my mind.

"I didn't know you were with Jake," he admitted. "No one told me that you two were together."

"Would that have made a difference?"

"No, probably not." Edward confessed.

_No choice. _

I wanted to be mad at him - I needed to be mad at him - but seeing him standing in front of me much like New Years, pleading with me to understand, I felt complacent. Edward's shoulders hung low and his eyes searched mine. He looked as guilty as I felt and I wasn't going to ease that burden. Not yet. I needed to think. There were too many emotions running through me. I was confused and afraid.

I felt like I was losing myself and only Edward could make me feel that way.

Edward kept his eyes on me and I bit my lip, preventing myself from speaking my true thoughts.

I looked away sheepishly. "I'm tired."

Edward nodded and pulled out his phone. "I'll call the police first and make a report. I don't think they will be able to do much except put out an APB. But honestly, Bella, the St. Louis police aren't going to go out of their way to look for a stolen car in these parts. I suspect it's pretty common around here. And even if you get Veronica back, your stuff will be gone."

I nodded, crossing my arms over my chest to ward off the chilly air.

We didn't say anything until the police officers arrived. Both of us were too weary and drowning in guilty feelings. We quietly sipped our milkshakes, sitting on the curb, waiting. Edward, the banana, drank all of his, ironically.

Edward rose as the squad car approached and he greeted the police officer, showing his own credentials and explaining that he was a deputy. I gave a description of my car, making an official report to be filed with the city of St. Louis. Just as Edward expected, a lot wouldn't be done tonight, aside from an All Points Bulletin, which ensured that any patrol would be on the watch for the same make and model as my car, my Veronica.

"Usually with these types of crimes, the stolen vehicle is located within a twenty-four hour time frame," the officer advised. "It probably would be wise to stick around town in case we locate your vehicle. The odds are that the perps will take what they want and then ditch the car. Can I have a phone number that I can reach you?"

The police officer looked between Edward and I.

"Sure." Edward stepped up to the cop, taking out his wallet and giving him a business card. "This is my number. She doesn't have a cell phone right now. If you need to reach us, you can here."

The officer took the card and instructed us that there were many quality hotels downtown. He suggested that Washington Avenue had many hotels close together with plenty of restaurants. And it wasn't far away.

"You're ready?" Edward asked as the officer drove off.

I nodded and made my way toward the passenger door of the U-Haul. Before I could reach for the handle, Edward's hand was there, opening up the door and helping me inside, our fingers intertwined. I quietly thanked him as he shut the door. My hand tingled afterward.

We found Washington Avenue easily – since Edward was driving - and choose the Renaissance St. Louis Grand Hotel. Well, Edward chose it. I wanted to look for something a little less expensive but he Edward wouldn't hear of it.

I didn't argue. We'd done enough of that today.

We pulled up to the valet and the attendant looked at us incredulously as he opened my door and I eased out of the U-Haul. I suspected that he didn't get many older model moving trucks in the hotel's driveway often.

I smiled at him shyly, waiting for Edward to meet me at the door after he tossed the valet our keys. Edward carried his duffle along with mine, as well as my suitcase, as we made our way to the front desk.

The hotel was beautiful and I never have stayed in anything like it. I tended to stay at a Holiday Inn Express or Echono Lodge. I still couldn't get over the vastness of the hotel. It was quite large, stretching twelve stories and boasting plenty of amenities. I assumed that this would cost an arm and a leg but if I was going to be here, I might as well enjoy it. I didn't figure that I would be staying at another place like this again.

Edward requested two adjoining rooms and slipped the front desk woman a black credit card. He looked at me out of the corner of his eye, waiting for me to protest, but this time, I was still too tired to fight with him. I promised myself that I would pay for the next room later on. Unfortunately, it wouldn't be this palatial. I looked away as he retrieved the key cards for our doors and spoke to the woman briefly.

I noticed that the hotel had several restaurants as well as a Starbucks. _Thank God. _I was also eying the bar off to the left of the front desk.

"We're on the fourth floor," Edward informed me, handing me my swipe card. He took our baggage toward the elevators. I followed silently.

The elevator ride was quiet our breathing and the ding of every passing floor. the only sounds around Once the doors opened, we quickly found our adjoining rooms and I slipped the card into the lock.

"Bella?" Edward stopped me in front of his own door.

"Yes, Edward."

He smiled weakly, his tired, emerald eyes shimmering. "I guess you can call our bet a draw, huh?"

The bet didn't matter to me anymore. We both couldn't control our anger and resentment, but that drink that I wished I had won sounded pretty good right about now.

"Yeah, a draw, but I think I'm going to get a drink downstairs before I go to bed." I said, opening my door.

Edward gave me my bags and I put them down, taking off his leather jacket.

"Thank you for letting me wear this today." I said, handing it him. I missed the soft feel of the material and Edward's soothing scent already.

Edward took out his wallet, rummaging through his bills. "Here, if you're going down to the bar, let me give you some money."

I stopped him, putting my hand over his as he fiddled in his wallet. "No, it was a draw."

Edward sighed before putting his wallet back in his pocket and stepping back to his door.

"Can I ask for one favor?" he asked.

"Depends," I replied.

"Will you knock on my door one time when you're going to bed so I know that you're okay?"

I smiled. "I can do that. Goodnight, Edward."

"Goodnight, Bella."

_**Edward**_

The bed wasn't as comfortable as I hoped a two-hundred-dollar-a-night room would be. Of course, I was tossing and turning more so because of the thoughts in my head rather than the lumps from the mattress.

With as much sleep as I had gotten in the last couple of days, I thought that I would drop like a doornail. But instead, here I was, staring up at the ceiling, waiting impatiently for Bella to knock on my door. I had planned that if she won the bet, I would go with her for her celebratory drink. But I could tell she wanted to be alone. And I did too. I needed to get my head on straight and process the events of the day.

I promised friendship to her. The only problem was that I didn't know if I could keep my side of the bargain. I doubted my resolve and I couldn't deny that after being with Bella all day, fighting with her, comforting her, lusting after every bone in her body, that I could just tell myself that being just her friend would be enough for me.

It never would be. It never had been. There was a reason why I stayed away from her for so long. I knew what would happen and here it was just as I thought it.

She was consuming me.

It didn't take long at all. My body and soul didn't forget and I was scared that the man I was now wouldn't be enough for her. Over the years, there had been so many women, so many indiscretions.

There was also Jess.

How could I have been so naïve? Bella obviously was struggling. I could see it in her eyes. She felt guilty and I put her in that position. I just hoped that she could forgive me.

I rolled over and punched the pillow, trying to mold it to my head. I so tired when I entered my room, I just dropped my luggage, went to the bathroom and took off my t-shirt, shoes and socks – leaving on my jeans- and fell onto the bed. I never even bothered to turn on the lights. My head had started to pound again and the lights would only make it worse. I turned again and huffed, willing my eyes to shut and let sleep take over. I looked over at the side table by the bed. Earlier, I threw my swipe car and phone there when I striped myself of my shirt.

I'd have to make some calls tomorrow.

I rubbed my hands over my face, frustrated, when I heard a soft knock at my door.

The tension eased out of my body - Bella was back from the bar downstairs.

I sat up in bed and looked toward the door. I debated getting up, but didn't, and laid back down instead. After all, I told Bella to knock and then go to her room so I figured that she wasn't expecting a response from me.

I glanced at the hotel's digital clock on the side table. It was a little after midnight so she hadn't been gone that long. I was relieved that she was going back to her room. Maybe now I would be able to sleep.

But then I heard another knock. This time, not as soft. Sitting up again, I scratched my head, feeling foolish for not answering the door in the first place.

Another knock, harder again this time. Then another.

I got up out of bed and shuffled toward the door. I looked out through the peephole to make sure it was Bella.

It was.

I opened the door immediately, resting my arm against door jamb over my head.

"Bella?"

Her face was flushed as her eyes scanned my bare chest and my face. Fuck, she was beautiful.

She cleared her throat, ringing her hand together. Something was wrong.

"Bella?" I asked again, stepping out into the hallway. I glanced down the corridor in both directions, making sure that there wasn't anyone around. "Are you okay?"

She shook her head. "No."

Tears brimmed her eyes and her breathing sounded labored.

I stepped closer to her, reaching my hand out to wipe away the tears from her cheek. "What happened? What's wrong?"

Bella looked up, meeting my concerned gaze. "It's only been one day and we..." she stopped, shaking her head again.

I didn't understand what she meant. One day?

"And we what?" I prompted.

"And we've been so hot and cold with each other," she continued. "I tried to fight it, I tried to stay angry. I wanted to, but I can't because I lied, Edward. I lied to myself. I lied to you. I lied to everyone. It's only been one day..." She sobbed, her shoulders shaking, and I brought her into my arms, hugging her as her head rested against my bare chest.

I stoked her hair, the silkiness of her locks caressing my fingers as I pulled my hands from root to tip. "One day, Bella? What are you talking about?"

Bella looked up from my chest with watery eyes. "I've been lying to myself for so long and I want to be honest with you." She licked the tears off of her lips.

"_What_, Bella?"

"I lied to you, Edward - on New Years, when you asked me if I still felt it, I knew what you meant - you were asking me if I still loved you, and I lied. I said I didn't. But I lied."

Bella diverted her gaze but I didn't let her look away for long. I cupped her face with my hands, forcing her eyes to meet mine. I searched her dark brown pools for any signs of regret.

There were none.

I knew that I should make a honorable decision right now and bid her good night, but Bella wasn't giving me a choice. There was never a choice with Bella, it was always her and there would never be anyone else.

I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat and pushed aside the thought of the girl waiting for me back at home. Jess thought that this might happen and she had been right to feel afraid of losing me. I felt badly for betraying her, but I didn't have a choice.

Because Bella was here and it had always been her.

My lips hovered dangerously close to hers. "If you sanction this, Bella, don't tell me to stop, because I don't think I can this time."

"Don't stop," she murmured.

I dipped my head lower and Bella smiled before I parted my lips and crashed them into hers. Her whimpers ricocheted off of the barren corridor, fueling my need for her, and I tightened my arms around her waist, pulling her closer.

I moaned into her mouth, feeling her soft curves mold to my hard muscle so perfectly, and the years we'd been apart receded, taking all of the pain that we harbored with them, if only for this one moment.

Even though we were still a long way from Forks, I'd never felt so at home.

**So how much do you hate I ended it there? Tell me all about it:) I can take the heat. **

**Check out this great new story I started to beta- Your Voice Was All I Heard by Twimamma . It's had Rockerward, need I say more?**

**You can follow me on Twitter, Larin20**


	19. You and Me

**A/N Helloooo...anyone still there? * taps microphone * Well, it's been a long time since I updated, I will shower you with some smut. Have fun with it, I know I did. **

**Special thanks to my beautiful beta MissAlex who took some time out of her very busy schedule to edit this chapter. Also if you're been hiding under a rock and haven't read her latest fic, Frontline, you need to read it like NAO! I love you A!**

**Also thank you goes to Lemonmartinis who graciously agreed to pre-read this mess. She's a true gem and I'm so happy still wants to read this madness. She's the other half of The Bond Girls who write the addicting Bondward in Lethal To Virtue. Very good read!**

**Chapter 19- You and Me**

**Previously.****...**

My lips hovered dangerously close to hers. "If you sanction this, Bella, don't tell me to stop, because I don't think I can this time."

"Don't stop," she murmured.

I dipped my head lower and Bella smiled before I parted my lips and crashed them into hers. Her whimpers ricocheted off of the barren corridor, fueling my need for her, and I tightened my arms around her waist, pulling her closer.

I moaned into her mouth, feeling her soft curves mold to my hard muscle so perfectly, and the years we'd been apart receded, taking all of the pain that we harbored with them, if only for this one moment.

Even though we were still a long way from Forks, I'd never felt so at home.

_**Edward**_

Pushing Bella against the wall of the hallway and hitching her leg over my hip felt automatic. My hand kneading her thigh while my other threaded into her hair was pure instinct, my love for her knowing no boundaries. I needed her right now more than anything, but not sweetly and slowly. There was nothing sweet or slow about what I wanted to do to her body. I wanted to taste every inch of her. I wanted to fuck her. Hard.

Now, which tit to touch first?

Bella gasped as I began fucking her mouth with my tongue. Man, she tasted so good, and surprisingly, not like alcohol which meant that she hadn't had a drink at the bar. So if that was the case, what made her knock on my door and indirectly confess that she still loved me? I wanted to know the answer but my body had other plans. Way dirtier plans.

"Don't stop me, please," I begged. Her nails scratched down my back and I groaned into her mouth. "Please...God, Bella, you feel so good. Don't stop me, ever."

It turned out that I found a new mantra - _D__on't stop me__ - _which I kept repeating because I worried that she was going to pull the plug on me at any moment. This was too good to be true. There had to be an _if_ or a _but_ in this equation.

"Bella, baby, please..."

I ground my erection hard into her center, while my desperate hands roamed freely. Bella's breathing was labored as I attacked her mouth, my tongue knowing only dominance and fueled by the desire to conquer her.

But still, I needed her to confirm that she needed this just as much as I did, that right now in this moment, she was on the same page that I was.

"Bella?" I rested my forehead against hers, questioning her with my eyes.

"Edward, don't stop...not now. I can't-"

I didn't let her finish. I hoisted her up and wrapped her legs around my waist. She gasped, her eyes rolling back in her head. All the confirmation I needed.

"We need to get in your room," she breathed. I thrust my hips toward her core and her head fell back against the wall. My hands snaked under her t-shirt, caressing her soft skin. My hips surged forward. Back and forth, in and out. Over and over.

I placed kisses along Bella's lips and chin, trailing a warm path to her neck.

"Oh God, I've missed this," she moaned

"You missed this?" I repeated, my voice low. "You missed the way your body feels when I touch you?"

"Yes," she whispered against my lips.

I thrust my hips forward again, lifting her higher up the wall. "You missed the way I fuck you?"

"You never fucked me like this," she whimpered.

It was true. Our sex life before our break- up was traditional at best. Fulfilling, but traditional. We were teenagers, still learning about sex and intimacy and each other's bodies. We had only ever been with each other, so our experience was lacking. In the years since then, I learned to fuck and I learned to fuck well. I was going to make Bella's body feel things that I was sure that fuckhead fiancé of hers never tried.

"No one has ever fucked you the way I'm going to fuck you. That's a promise," I growled as I lifted her shirt over her bra-covered breasts. Jesus...black lace.

"Prove it," Bella taunted me. I turned around and she tightened her legs around my hips as I pressed her against my door, my hand desperately fiddling with the handle.

Shit. Locked. The goddamn door was locked.

I put Bella down and felt for my pockets. Then I remembered that the key card was sitting on my bedside table. Not only did I not have my key, but no shoes, shirt, or wallet...They were all locked inside my nice $250-a-night room. But more pressingly, the locked door was messing with my plans to fuck Bella.

Bella slipped out from under my arm that was braced against the wall. "Let's use my room," she said, walking toward her door.

She took her card out of her pocket and unlocked the door, propping herself against the door jamb and cocking an eyebrow. Bella was daring me to prove to her that I could make her feel like no one ever had, including my former self.

And like hell was I going to pass up that offer.

But a thought made me pause. All of the carefully orchestrated plans I made before this trip threatened to go flying out the window if I continued. Part of me screamed that I should stop this right now, go down to the front desk, and get access back into my room, alone, because if Bella and I fucked, it could have serious implications for our future. Possibly good ones, but there was no guarantee.

This is going to change everything.

Or would it?

What if tonight was a one shot deal? It could be just about sex, right?

Hell, who was I kidding?

As I emerged from my reflection, it was like the world appeared clearer. Bella wanted this, I wanted this. Yeah, it might've changed the whole course of our futures in a painful way, but I had to take the risk. I needed her like I needed air, I wanted her whole being to run through my veins, possessing my body and soul, and from the expression on Bella's face right now, she felt the same way.

I couldn't pass up the opportunity to worship her tonight because it might be my last chance at Heaven.

When I made my decision, my inner restraint snapped. I zeroed in on Bella, my palms itching with the need to touch her, my cock twitching with the need to penetrate her. Bella's eyes grew heavy as I approached. Her tongue jetted out of her mouth, teasing me and making my cock harden and ache for her even more.

I touched her cheek with my fingertips. "It's just you and me in this room tonight, no one else. No Jake, no Jess. The whole outside world is not welcome in this bedroom, got it?"

Bella nuzzled her face into my hand, closing her eyes. "You and me," she agreed in breath.

Gently, I reclaimed her mouth with mine, guiding her into her hotel room and closing the door behind us.

Bella brought her hands to my hair, pulling and tugging as we kissed our way to the bed. The only light came from the bathroom, but it was enough so that we didn't have to fumble our way to the mattress. It was an express trip and we kissed, sucked, moaned and squeezed the entire way.

I grabbed Bella's ass as we reached the bed.

"Don't play, show me what you can do," she grunted, looking up at me with fiery eyes.

Now it was on.

I pushed her back onto the bed. Bella yelped in surprise as she fell onto the duvet, the plush fabric enveloping her like my body wanted to.

"This is not a game, Ms. Swan." I locked my eyes with hers to reaffirm how serious I was. "Sit up."

Bella smiled seductively and obeyed my command, eying my crotch. And damn if she didn't lick those full, pink lips again.

"What do you want?" I asked because I knew what I wanted. In the last couple of years, I learned that I liked things a certain way in the bedroom. Bella seemed to like my newfound dominance but I wasn't so sure how far I should push her. I wasn't into shit like bondage and floggers, but I liked control.

Bella gulped, and fuck, licked those lips again. She shyly looked up at me. "I want to run my tongue up your hard cock and feel you fuck my mouth, and I'm tired of waiting."

"Fuck me," I moaned. Where the hell did this vixen come from? She was playing dirty, too. Very nice. This was a new side of her I'd never seen. I really, really liked it.

"You and me," Bella said as she undid the button of my jeans and unzipped my fly. Her eyes were still locked with mine, wide, pleading and laced with desire.

I wiggled my hips to help shimmy my pants down over my ass as Bella pulled at my waistband with her nimble fingers. With my jeans pooled on the floor at my feet, I stepped out of them and kicked them aside. My boxers soon followed and then I was standing naked and at full attention in front of Bella.

I smirked when her mouth dropped open. "Look familiar?"

"Yes and no...I don't know," Bella observed. I wanted to tell her to go ahead and get reacquainted but the way she was looking at my dick, all hungry and wanton, took me in another direction.

"Take off your shirt. I want to see your tits when you suck my cock."

Bella raised her hands and waited. I took the hint, grabbed her shirt and pulled up, throwing it to the floor. Her hair, still in a ponytail, begged to be released. I removed the elastic band and her chestnut locks tumbled over shoulders, the familiar scent of vanilla and strawberries flooding my senses. I moaned at the familiar aroma that was all Bella.

"Now the bra," I told her.

Bella reached behind her back and unclasped her black, lace bra. The straps slipped off her shoulders and the bra fell to her lap, revealing her erect and rosy nipples that longed to be touched. Perfect.

She looked beautiful half-exposed and poised to bring me pleasure. Bella's hands caressed up my legs, her eyes trained on mine, providing me one of the most erotic sexual experiences of my life. And fuck, we hadn't even really started yet.

The intensity of our need mixed with my dominance and Bella's willingness to be my submissive was electrifying, our history adding even more meaning to our union. I was about to explode if she didn't put her mouth on me.

"Bella," I groaned, impatiently.

Her reply was to lick the length of my dick and blow a warm breath across the wet trail she left behind. My entire body shook. She fingered the tip of my hard, throbbing cock, and finally, after what felt like forever, closed her mouth around it. The feeling...unbelievable.

My head lolled back as I cherished the sensation of her soft, moist mouth working my length. A good blowjob was a thing of beauty, but a good blow job from the woman you loved was like a gift from God. And apparently moan-worthy because the sounds coming from me were just that. Porntastic.

Bella hummed against my dick and I remembered that I also had a job to do. Just like she wanted, I started to fuck her mouth. I eased my hips forward and Bella brought her hands to my ass and pulled me toward her mouth forcefully. I intertwined my fingers with her long hair, pulling and tugging in tandem with the movement of her mouth. The slow burn in the pit of my stomach started to fire up fast and I knew what if we kept this up, I wouldn't last much longer. I wanted to come but not in her mouth.

I leaned down and took her nipple in between my forefinger and thumb. Bella moaned, sending vibrations from her mouth straight to my cock. I was gonna blow my load if she moaned again.

"Stop," I said in a hush tone. I pulled my hips back and cupped her face with my hands.

Bella licked her swollen lips. "I thought you didn't want me to stop, Edward," she goaded playfully.

"I don't, but I do want my turn." I lowered onto my knees and took my time unlacing her tennis shoes so that I could calm the fuck down a bit. I didn't want the night to end early. I wanted to take my time with Bella and show her with my body how much I missed her and how much I loved her.

After her shoes and socks were off, I sat up on my knees. "Come here, kiss me."

Bella smiled and obeyed. As I settled between her legs, she kissed with me blinding passion and a whole lotta tongue. So much fucking tongue. _Christ._

I unbuttoned her jeans and pulled them down her hips, Bella helping me with the removal by lifting her ass off the bed. She wore black, satin bikini briefs, which, fuck, I should've pulled off with her pants. My dick was screaming, _time's a wasting, buddy._

With one last kiss, I told Bella to lean back on the bed. I tore her underwear off quickly and looked down. The light filtering in from the bathroom afforded me the most exquisite sight I'd ever seen – her wet, glistening core waiting just for me. I never appreciated her this much before so it was like I was seeing her for the first time.

"You're so beautiful like this, spread out and ready for me," I said, my voice rough. "How bad do you want me to lick your pussy and suck your clit until you scream?"

Bella's hands were in my hair faster than Andretti on a racetrack. "So bad, Edward. I want you so bad."

"Put your leg over my shoulder," I told her. She did and I went to town, lapping up her wetness and nibbling at her hot flesh. Bella's leg latched onto my shoulders as I slipped my finger into her sex, feeling her inner walls tighten around me.

"Like that..so good!" Bella bellowed.

She was driving me crazy. I loved her sounds and I loved tasting her, her scent surrounding my face, spurring me on further. I added another finger and then another, teasing her clit with my tongue. I reached my free hand up to cup her breast, running my fingers over her hardened nipple.

"I'm gonna come...so...close," she moaned. I looked up so that I could watch her expressionce as I brought her to orgasm.

Pressing on her G-spot, I sucked her clit harder until she was panting and wriggling against my face. Bella cried out and shuddered as her walls clenched around my fingers. As she came down from her high, I kissed her clit and slowly slipped out of her, bringing my hand to my mouth and sucking off her juices.

"You always tasted like Heaven, Bella," I murmured in sweet reverence.

I rose to my feet while Bella remained sprawled out on the bed, her body spent from orgasm. I wished that I had a camera. Since our future together was uncertain, I wanted something tangible to remind me of tonight - how beautiful she looked after I pleased her and how glorious it felt knowing that she was mine.

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"Please...fuck me. Make love to me. I need you," she begged.

Now, how was I supposed to turn down a request like that? I hovered over Bella, placing my elbows on either side of her head, our noses touching, my hard cock positioned between her legs.

"You and me," I whispered as I entered her slowly. We grunted as we joined together for the first time in over five years. My body remembered her right away. I felt like I was home.

We were no longer too separate people but one entity, our souls fusing just as tangibly as our physical selves.

My hands roamed her breasts as I sucked her earlobe with my mouth.

Bella wrapped her legs around my hips and met my thrusts as I touched her breasts and sucked her earlobe. We moved together, seamlessly. Perfectly.

Yeah, this night was going to change everything.

She felt so good underneath me. Her body writhing against mine, her small hands rubbing my shoulder blades. I kissed her deeply, wanting to express what I was afraid to say out loud. _I love you still. I need you __even more than before__. I don't want this to end. __Ever._

_You and me.__ Always._

"Fuck me! Ahh, fuck me, hard," Bella cried.

Wish granted.

I placed one last, soft kiss on her lips before propping myself up and entering her deeper. The look on Bella's face told me that she felt it too - not only my physical actions but my silent declarations to her. I fucked her faster and with more aggression, sweat beading on my forehead, back, and chest, the rough sounds of our sex ricocheting off the walls of the hotel room and burrowing deep into my heart.

The telltale burn, the lustful coil of my own orgasm started to ripple through my pelvis. I was close. I leaned back slightly, to make room for my thumb to rub her clit. I wanted Bella to come at the same time as I did.

Her eyes rolled back in her head, her mouth hanging open and suspended in pleasure. At that moment, I clicked that mental picture.

"Come, now!" I growled because my release was fast approaching and I couldn't hold off anymore. "I need to feel you come." I rubbed her clit more furiously, thrusting my hips harder, faster, the slapping of our bodies caressing my ears like a sweet symphony.

With an arch to her back, Bella's body shuddered with her release and she screamed out. My own orgasm ripped through my body and I joined her in her chorus of moans and curse words.

After I finished, I panted with exertion, too tired to move. I hugged Bella to my chest, my head resting above her breasts. I could hear her rapid heartbeat, and it lulled me into a post-orgasmic sleep. All I wanted to do was sleep. This whole trip so far was run on adrenaline and my body was now spent.

I knew that we needed to talk now more than ever. We crossed many lines that we shouldn't have even been toeing and I had no idea where our trip had taken us. However, my mind was too numb to make any heavy decisions at the moment. All I wanted to do was hold Bella in my arms and just revel in the reality that right now it was just her and me.

I looked up at Bella and she stared back at me, her warm, chocolate gaze, hypnotizing me. "Bella-"

She shut her eyes. "Don't. Please, just don't ruin this. You and me, remember. Tonight. Just let it be."

I nodded and carefully set her down onto the king size bed. I pulled the duvet back and watched as Bella slipped underneath. I followed and settled on my back.

Bella moved to my side and laid her head on my chest, resting her hand on my collarbone. I placed my hand over hers and closed my eyes.

"Just you and me," I whispered.

I hugged her closer and kissed her forehead, not knowing what the morning would bring us but having the gut feeling that it wouldn't be all roses and sunshine. Things didn't just fix themselves over night because of some great lovemaking.

We both knew that we had a very long, tough road ahead of us. I just hoped that Bella's road remained fused with mine and didn't veer off and lead right toward that douche bag Jake.

Just as I was about to fall asleep, I heard the smallest sniffle coming from Bella. I listened to her breathing and when I felt her tears fall onto my chest, my heart shattered. I pulled her tighter against me and kissed her forehead as she cried. We didn't talk. We simply held each other, wishing that the arrival of tomorrow morning could've been held off for just a little while longer.

**A/N What did you think of my first full lemon? It was a hard write for me. BPOV up next! Please follow me on twitter, Larin20**


	20. The Night Before and the Morning After

**A/N**

**Hello! Well, it hasn't been six months between updates. Yay me! Thank you to everyone who has hung out and waited patiently for updates. Your words of encouragement have been my lifesaver when I thought that I sucked. LOL! **

**A special thanks to my partner in crime, MissAlex. You're truly the best! Thanks so much for the quick edit when I know how busy you are. **

**Also, Lemonmartinis, you're the best motivator/pre-reader a girl can have! With your inspirational words and praise of Treadward, he decided to kick my ass and make me get this chapter done. **

**I don't own Twilight. **

**Chapter 20- The Night before and the Morning After**

_**Bella**_

_**The previous evening before Bella came back to Edward's room. **_

"_Goodnight, Bella."_

I gave Edward one last look over my shoulder before I swiped my key card and entered my hotel room. Flipping the light switch, I set my suitcase and purse down on the luggage rack by the door, and scanned the room. It was impressive, to say the least. The muted earth toned walls seemed to hug me into the space.

Cozy.

I felt relieved to be alone. The break was very much welcomed. I needed to get my head on straight. The day was just too much. Too much stress, too much pain , too much Edward, if that was even possible. But I felt different in a way. Of course I was on edge, defensive, and pretty much a bitch to him; I think I was masking what I knew all along, that Edward still felt more like home than Jake ever did.

It made me angry, very angry. After all those years and everything that happened between us, I still felt like I loved him in a way. Finally realizing that I would never stop feeling that way for Edward awakened a burn in my chest, a burn that I never felt with Jake, no matter how hard I willed it.

Fucking wonderful. My whole life was just peachy.

I sighed tiredly, zeroing in on the bed in the middle of the room.

The bed was huge with a white, fluffy down comforter. Adorning the top were Euro pillows stacked as high as the headboard. The furniture was a rich honey -maple color that looked more expensive than all the furniture in my home in Forks. Across the room, mounted on the wall, was a large, flat screen TV. This definitely was a nice room, far nicer than I ever thought I would be staying in on this trip. I thought fleetingly as to why Edward could afford such a room or want to pay for one. It wasn't as though a deputy from a small town rolled in the dough. My father struggled to pay off our house for crying out loud. I couldn't imagine that Edward had much money to spare. I made a mental note that I would pay him back for my share when I found a job back home.

I flopped down on the bed; my body ached from the rough ride in the U-Haul. I wasn't sure if I still wanted a drink now, given how comfortable I was and how easily I could fall asleep. I, at least, could take a shower and get ready for bed. Drinking could wait 'til tomorrow. Right now, I just didn't want to think or worry.

With my father, finishing school, the move, Edward, and now my missing car, the only thing I truly wanted was to sleep. And preferably without dreams. I wanted nothing. No feeling, no sensations, no rekindled chest burning, nothing. I had already had sensory overload today

Definitely, that's what it was - a case of sensory overload. It was better than saying hormonal overreaction to unknowingly wanted stimuli.

Ugh!

I moved to get up when the phone on the bedside table caught my eye.

The phone.

It felt like I had been in the dark all day. I was used to constant communication with Jake but with the knowledge of him and Leah, and the fact that he knew I was with Edward, I was scared to call him now. I knew I had to, though.

_Like ripping a Band-Aid, Bella. _

That was a stupid comparison. Calling my boyfriend of the last four and a half years shouldn't be like pulling a Band-Aid. It should be normal, nice, even. But, I wasn't going to bet against Alice. If she told me she saw Jake with Leah, I believed her. I still wanted him to tell me. And maybe, I should make some confessions of my own. New Years with Edward for one. It was obvious we shouldn't be in a relationship anymore. We had too many secrets. Too many lies. I also came to realize that I might not be in love with him. I was upset about Leah, sure, but I wasn't as upset as I thought I would be.

Is it sad that I had an epiphany of sorts on the walk from the front desk to our hotel rooms? Or more so when Edward asked me to knock on his door, wanting to make sure I was okay. It touched me. I don't know why, but it did. He cared, after all this time; he wanted to make sure I was safe. It was a glimpse of the old Edward, my Edward.

And then my chest burned.

Stupid chest burning!

Why couldn't I have had that with Jake? It would have made this so much easier. Maybe if I showed him more, did more, been more - he wouldn't have gone to Leah.

I didn't, though. I only gave him so much of myself. God, I was so blind all this time to think that I could really give him all of my heart when I had left it back in Forks.

New Year's should have told me that. My stubbornness won out. My pathetic excuse of rejection overrode what Edward was actually trying to tell me that night. He still wanted me, he still loved me. Even if his way of showing it to me wasn't the ideal, it was still his way. A messed up way, but his way nevertheless.

That night it was like the wound was just as fresh as it was the last time I saw Edward. I didn't know any other way to handle it.

Everything was so messed up.

I guess starting with a talk with Jake would be best.

I rounded the bed and sat down by the phone, reaching for the receiver ten times before I actually picked it up.

_Band-Aid. Band-Aid_..

I took in a deep breath and dialed Jake's cell.

It rang twice before a very feminine voice answered. "Hello?"

My eyes narrowed. "Who's this?"

"Who do you think?" I heard the snarl in her voice.

"Leah."

"Bingo."

"Why are you answering Jake's phone?"

"Why do you think?"

She was unnerving. Stop answering my questions with questions," I demanded. "Why are you answering his phone?"

She laughed. "We're friends, Bella. Come on. We hang out, spend time together, talk to each other…."

"Where is he, Leah?" I wasn't interested in her justifying her relationship with Jake. I knew why she was there.

"He's in the shower," she said with obvious evil intent.

I was through with playing games. "What are you trying to do here? Make me jealous?"

She snorted. "Is it working?"

"No. I'm angry." I cleared my throat. "I'm angry that two people I trusted went behind my back and lied to me. It's one thing if you want to be together, at least have the respect to tell me about it."

Leah scoffed.

"I know about you two, Leah," I said. "Alice saw you, she told me."

She started to laugh.

"What are you laughing at?"

"You're amazing, Bella."

"Excuse me?"

"You're lecturing me about lying to you and going behind your back, when you did the same thing to Jake."

My heart leapt into my throat. "Wha-what?"

"Oh, come off it, Bella. Don't play dumb with me. I saw you that night. Well, at least, I saw the tail end of things. I might have had to gouge my eyes out if I saw it all."

"What are you talking about?"

No, No, No, she couldn't know!

"There was nowhere to park when I got to Delany's that night. I had to park in the back lot next door. Walking around the block would take too long so I decided to take the short cut in the alley when lo and behold, I see two people going at it like wild animals. The guy had his head right in her pussy. It was fantastic! Of course, being the perv that I am, I hid behind a dumpster to watch. I couldn't make out who the two were since they were both huddled together so closely, but to my surprise, I then saw little Alice barge out the back door…It wasn't hard to put two and two together."

I had to stop her. There was no point in letting her continue. She knew. "You told Jake?"

"No. I never told him, but I was there for him when he needed comfort after his fiancé repeatedly broke his heart by pushing off their wedding. I wonder why she would do such a thing?"

I closed my eyes. The room was spinning.

"Is this too much to hear? Oh, poor, innocent Bella. Do you not want to hear how your fiancé seduced me when his loving fiancé kept on refusing him sex?

"Stop it! Just stop it!"

"Would you like me to sugar-coat it for you, then? How about I make it simple for you to understand. You can't have your cake and eat it too, Bella."

She's right, but Jake was not being any better to her than I was to him. "He's just using you."

"That's probably true."

"You don't care?"

"I care about a lot of things."

"Do you love him?"

"I don't love anyone."

"But, Leah …"

"Listen, I just heard the water shut off so I have to go. I would suggest that you have this conversation with Jake when you see him in person. He's still planning on moving to Seattle – I don't know why – but he is. He wasn't too happy to hear that you were with Edward. How's that going by the way?

"You don't want to know."

"You're right, I don't."

I didn't get a chance to reply before she hung up.

I hung up the phone feeling numb. All this time, Leah knew about me and Edward. She was there for all of it. She knew how Edward came for me, how I let him take my body, how weak I was. But she kept this all to herself. Why?

What did this mean?

I didn't know what to do with myself. I could call Alice but with everything going on in my head, I just wanted one less person in it – even her. I knew what she would say. First she would bitch about Leah, call her a whore, whatever. Secondly, she would tell me how all this was meant to be. Jake wasn't good for me, I could do better for myself. Alice never liked Jake.

My body shook as the A/C kicked on. Showering right now wasn't an option since I felt chilled. The only thing I could do was put on my flannel pajamas and snuggle into bed.

Sleep. I wanted to sleep. I'd think about all this tomorrow. It was the worst excuse I could come up with but it was the only one I could handle.

I went over to my suitcase by the door. Unzipping it, I realized I needed more light so I turned on the bathroom light. I turned back to my bag and stopped.

Pictures.

All my pictures I threw out when I was cleaning out my room in Chicago. Correction, all the pictures of me and Edward I threw out while cleaning my room in Chicago.

My hands skimmed the dozens of pictures spread across the top of my clothes. How did these even get there? I threw them in my trashcan and…..

Alice.

She had to have put these here when I was busy. It seemed like every picture was accounted for. Every picture of Edward smiling at me, Edward holding my hand, Edward kissing my cheek. All of it was here. And every picture of me doing the exact same thing to him.

I could see it. The love. It seeped out of every pore in every picture from both Edward and myself.

"Oh, Alice." I dropped to my knees, inspecting all the images of my battered past. "What are you doing to me?"

It was her way of gently nudging me. A little push in Edward's direction.

"It's only been one day, Alice," I uttered quietly as if Alice was in the room with me. It only took one day for Edward to turn my life upside down, question everything, and make me realize that I still loved him deeply.

My body wouldn't acknowledge what my brain kept yelling for it to do.

Stop!

Turn around!

You'll just hurt yourself and everyone else!

I was out the door and knocking on Edward's a few seconds later.

_The next morning…_

All around me I felt warmth.

I loved that feeling. Being rolled up like a burrito in your covers all toasty and snuggled was next to Heaven. I remembered waking up as a child from a cold winter's night being cocooned in my flannel sheets and comforter. I moaned and groaned knowing that I needed to get up and go to school, breaking the warmth and security that my blankets provided. Sneaking a toe out and cautiously touching the frigid hardwood floor made my skin crawl. All I wanted to do was stay in my blanket cocoon and sleep the day away.

I didn't know why that thought occurred to me this morning, considering the fact I was only half -covered by a thin sheet and very naked. Maybe it was because Edward was mostly lying over my top half, his head nestled in the crook of my shoulder, his arm secure across my mid-section, and his leg tangled with both of mine. Essentially, he was my human blanket, cocooning me much like my covers did at home. The odd thing was, I never felt more comfortable in my life.

And it was driving me crazy.

I had been up at least twenty minutes, analyzing what happened the night before. I needed to pee, but I wasn't about to dare move. Edward looked so tranquil sleeping on my chest. His cheek rested just above my heart, his lips pouted as his deep breaths fanned across my breasts. Sinfully making them pucker with pleasure.

Rolling my eyes, I slapped my free hand to my forehead, cursing my inability to withstand any kind of stimulation from this man, albeit even when he slept. Luckily, my face slap woke Edward up enough that he untangled his legs with mine and moved over to his back on the bed. Still asleep, though. I breathed a sigh of relief. I wasn't ready to face him yet. I wanted to gather my senses.

The room was still incredibly dark thanks to the black-out drapes of the hotel room. It was always easy to sleep late into the morning or afternoon while staying in a hotel. There was never once when Jake and I would go on a weekend trip that we'd wake up early.

"Those damn sleep-inducing drapes." Jake would grumble.

He was right. I suspected that it was at least 11 a.m. Hoisting myself up to my elbows- carefully as not to wake Edward- I glanced over at the clock on the bedside table.

But there wasn't a bedside table.

What the…?

Looking past the bed over across the room by the window, the bedside table, lamp, and clock lay haphazardly on their sides along with my jeans and one of my tennis shoes. Edward's jeans were hanging off the dresser with my shirt, and at the foot of the bed, the comforter was bunched together where my other shoe, along with my bra and panties, were balled up and about to fall to the ground.

It looked like a tornado hit the room and I really couldn't remember how and when all of this happened. I knew Edward took both of our clothes off but how did they get all over the room, and how in the freakin' frack did the bedside table get knocked over? The lamp looked broken, too. Great, gonna have to pay for that. No, wait. Edward will. He charged both rooms to his card.

Ha.

I eye-rolled again. I was already feeling bitter. But why? I didn't want to feel bitter or mad. I was here participating just as much as Edward last night. What I didn't like or was scared about was that I lost myself to him and defenseless to anything and everything he gave me. He was right. When it came to me and him, we didn't have a choice.

Edward threw his arm across his eyes. He was still deep asleep. He looked so peaceful when he slept. It was a strong contrast from the other day when he looked so conflicted, tired. I leaned over and traced my finger lightly over his lips. Still so soft and smooth. Lickable. Very, very lickable.

Now I'm drooling. Yippee.

I had to clear my head before I got lost in …him. I gently extracted myself from the sheet, careful not to move the mattress too much as I rolled myself out of bed, planting my feet on the carpeted floor. I glanced back at Edward to make sure I didn't wake him. He moved suddenly, flipping onto his stomach and hugged my pillow. I immediately sank to the floor, hiding between the bed and the wall of the bathroom so he wouldn't see me.

Why?

No flippin clue.

Choices or not, it didn't matter. My choice right now was to crawl on all fours toward the bathroom so he wouldn't see me. What was pointless about crawling was the fact that I was doing this because I didn't want him to see me naked.

"So dumb!" I scolded myself as I made it around the corner of the wall and into the bathroom.

I quietly closed the door, hoping that the click of the door mechanism didn't echo too noisily. I stood up from my knees and straightened my back to look around. The bathroom was lush and abundant with Bumble to Bumble products lining the countertop. The tub was deep-set in the corner and big enough for two. The shower off to the side, opposite the tub, was wall-less. Multiple shower heads and knobs stood out from the wall and ceiling, looking altogether too complicated to work. Oddly, the stone-tiled floor wasn't cold underneath my bare feet. Judging from the switch on the wall by the door, it was probably heated.

Fancy.

This was by far the nicest bathroom I had ever been in. I just wished I could have enjoyed it more.

Instead of enjoying the spa-like amenities, I looked in the mirror at my naked body, haystack hair, and array of hickies.

I looked like a badly used hooker.

"What am I doing?" I whispered. That was a good question. What in the world was I thinking last night? Instead of going to bed like I intended, I did the thing that I knew would alter my whole life. I got fucked.

Yep, he fucked me.

And I loved it.

Jesus, I loved it. I never came so hard in my life. He handled me roughly, but always careful not to go too far. His words – God, the way he spoke – turned me on more than anything. He was in control of my body in every way.

It wasn't the Edward I knew; this was a totally different Edward. He was powerful and abrasive, dominating yet tender.

What was obvious was that Edward changed. I was not naive to think that he would be the same. I knew that his parent's accident, the hatred he held for me, the depression I knew wounded him, changed him dramatically.

There was a lot to get reacquainted with if we were going to make a go of being friends or whatever else we were doing. There had to be conditions, though.

I turned on the cold water to wake myself up. After splashing my face and running my fingers through my hair, I toweled off.

As I patted my face, there was a knock on the door. I froze.

"Yes?" My voice shook.

"I'm coming in," Edward called through the door.

I didn't get a chance to answer before the door opened and a naked Edward walked into the bathroom without a care in the world. He looked so beautiful even with his bed-head and sleep wrinkles.

I felt my nipples get hard.

God.

I turned around abruptly, shielding my eyes.

Considering that I was naked too, I probably should've shielded more than just my eyes.

Edward smirked at me in the mirror as he went over to the toilet.

With horror, I averted my eyes and coughed-squeaked, "What are you doing?"

"Going to take a piss, what does it look like?" he answered.

I rolled my eyes. "No, I mean, why are you doing that in front of me."

Without using the toilet, Edward sauntered over to the sink next to mine and cupped is hand, filling it will water. He slurped the water out of his hand and spilt is out. "Bella," he rested his hip on the counter, drying his hands with a towel, "you let me suck every one of your body parts, but you're disgusted to watch me pee. That's funny."

"I'm not disgusted. I was…"

"Surprised, shocked, mesmerized…" He grinned, throwing the towel down and inching closer to me.

"Stop putting words in my mouth," I scolded him.

Edward moved even closer to me, his chest lightly brushing my hardened nipples. He looked down, then back into my eyes, smirking still as he traced his finger over my left nipple. My whole body erupted in goose flesh as I shuddered under his light touch. I closed my eyes, loving the way he made me feel.

He blew in my ear. "I can put something else in your mouth if you'd like."

My eyes flew open. "That's gross," I breathed quietly. "Be serious."

"I'm very serious. First, I'm going to put my tongue in your mouth…" Edward leaned in slowly, running his nose along mine before he chastely kissed my lips. My eyes shut automatically. I had no choice but kiss him back and open up to him when he teased my lips with his tongue. He delved into my mouth, caressing, probing.

"Second, I'm going to put my fingers in your mouth," he murmured, "and you're going to suck them hard." My eyes flew open once more when instead of feeling his fingers pass my lips; they separated the folds of my sex. I moaned in response.

"So wet already?" Edward raised his hand to my mouth. "Taste."

I looked at his hand then back at his face. The eroticism was like a hunger, I needed more than sustenance. I opened my mouth willingly, taking in his fingers, tasting myself. My tongue swirled with his fingers. I watched him as he gazed at my mouth, panting and hungry himself. He began to pull back but I stopped him, grabbing his hand.

"Not done yet." I held his hand firm to my mouth and lapped up the rest of my wetness on his fingers. When I was done, I placed his hand over my heart. "I wasn't finished." It was my turn to smirk.

"Fuck, Bella." Edward gaped. Without letting him think, I dropped to my knees, putting my hands on the back of his thighs.

I kept my eyes on his. "You did say you could put something else in my mouth…"

I lowered my mouth – our eyes still connected – and sucked his now hardened dick into my mouth. He threw his head back, impassioned with desire. His chest heaved as he tried to catch his breath. I took the base into my hand and stroked what I couldn't fit into my mouth. With vehemence, I plunged his cock deeper and deeper.

"Just like that, just like that," Edward chanted as he gripped my hair, guiding my mouth over his arousal. "Fuck that cock with your mouth."

His words stung and turned me on even more. This Edward was crass, vulgar.

_I made him this way,_ I thought.

Everything that happened between us created this Edward. And this Edward didn't make love anymore, he fucked.

I felt ashamed that I yearned for this Edward; I got off from this Edward.

I rubbed my thighs together wanting as much friction as possible before I couldn't take it anymore and started to rub my clit as I sucked him off.

I moaned around his cock, my own pleasure building. Before I could enjoy myself, Edward pulled me to my feet, kissing me furiously.

"You think that you can play with yourself and I wouldn't notice," he growled into my mouth. "This right here," Edward cupped my crotch," is mine. You will be damned sure that my cock will feel ten times better than your finger fucking."

I bit his lip. "Then fuck me," I challenged.

Edward turned me around, placing my hands on the sink top. "Hold on."

Running his hands down my sides, he gripped my hips while spreading my legs apart with his foot. He bent down and I felt him place warm kisses down my spine. I could have been mistaken but his gestured felt almost loving. I closed my eyes and savored it.

"Edward?" I shivered.

His mouth roamed back up my spine and he pressed his body to mine. I could feel his hard-on pushed against my ass. Edward set his chin on my shoulder as we both stared at our reflection in the mirror. His arms encasing mine, his body so close, his eyes hooded.

"Tell me what you need, baby," he whispered in my ear.

My breath paused. Would I really confess to him what I really wanted? I wanted more but I wasn't sure if I could have it or if I deserved it. I needed him back, but how could I tell him this? Was it even really what I wanted? To let him back into my heart? How do you share with someone that you still love without telling them because you're too scared to say it out loud? This question is confusing to me

So I stuck to simple.

Keeping my eyes on his in the mirror, I confessed, "You."

Edward nodded and kissed my shoulder. Something shifted between us - a layer of hardness seemed to shed away. Lifting the back of my thigh to set my knee on the countertop, he entered me slowly from behind. He closed his eyes and I dropped my head as he started to rock into me. Edward was so deep, it almost hurt but when he reached around and started massaging my clit, I started pushing back as much as he was giving. It was slow and agonizingly pleasurable.

"Oh, Edward. That feels so good, God…I…."

I couldn't form any more words.

"Say it." Edward picked up on my hesitation and increased pace. "Tell me," he hissed through his teeth.

"I…ah…" I tightened my eyes.

"You know what you want, tell me."

He pinched my nipple, hard.

I yelped but found my courage. "Pull my hair and fuck me hard!"

Yanking my long hair so that my head rested on his shoulder, Edward began pumping into me harder and harder. I was bouncing against the counter, holding on as best as I could. I cracked open my eyes and took in the beautiful sight of Edward taking me, controlling me. He grunted with exertion, his face contorted in concentration and pleasure. He sucked on my neck and I turned my head to whisper in his ear.

"Oh yes, fuck me…."I murmured.

This drove Edward to go faster.

We both didn't say another word as we both moved together, my orgasm approaching fast. With one last flick of his thumb on my clit, I exploded, shouting incoherently. Edward continued to thrust into me until he shuddered and let go of my hair. Our bodies stayed connected as we both caught our breath and calmed down.

"That was intense," Edward chuckled, slipping out of me. He helped me lower my sore leg from the countertop to the ground and reached his arm around my waist. I placed my hand over his and looked at him in the mirror, smiling shyly.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm good. You're right. Intense."

Edward quirked his brow. "Come here," he took my hand and led me to the shower, "let's get soapy."

I giggled because a sliver of my old Edward was still there. This gave me some hope.

"Okay, but I get under the showerhead first." I joked.

"Babe, there's like three heads, I think we're covered." Edward smiled radiantly, one of the first genuine smiles he had given me in a long time.

"I like that," I told him as I stepped into the shower. The already warm water cascaded down my back when Edward stepped behind me.

"Like what?"

"You smiling."

"Well, I like you naked, so we both win."

"Ha-ha," I laughed dryly.

I took the complementary shampoo and placed a dollop in my hand. Wetting my hair, I the lathered the fruit scented shampoo into my scalp.

"Here, let me help you." Edward took over, moving his fingers through my hair. "This scent reminds me of the shampoo you used to use. Almost reminds me of home."

The mention of home snapped me back to the present. Getting lost in our little sex bubble made me forget that Edward and I still needed to have a serious conversation.

I turned around to face him. "Edward?"

"Yep," he answered, guiding my hair under the water to rinse the soap away.

I closed my eyes as his nimble fingers went through my hair. "You know we can't stay here forever."

He sighed, brushing the suds out of my face. "I know."

"We're both so different now. We don't know each other anymore." I blinked the water out of my eyes as we changed places and Edward stood under the water. I took some shampoo and returned the favor and washed his hair.

"God…fuck! I know!" he huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. He looked like a petulant child.

I paused mid-scalp massage. "Why are you getting mad?"

Edward tensed his jaw and looked away as he thought over his words. "Because I just got you back in my arms and I feel like you're going to push me away."

Letting the water run over his soapy hair, I pushed away the bubbles. He stared at the ceiling as I continued to run my hand over his hair. With all the shampoo washed away, I brought my hands to his face, forcing him to look at me. "I'm not going anywhere but I think that we should," I paused, "take it slower."

"Take it slower," he repeated.

I smiled. "We both have so much stuff going on. I have Jake…"

"Fucker," Edward muttered.

"Stop," I warned him. "This is about us right now, not what you think of Jake."

He ran his hands over my arms. "I'm sorry."

I nodded and grabbed the bar of soap, running it over his body. He watched my every move. "And….you have Jessica." I tried not to sneer when I said her name or hurl the bar of soap across the tub. "I still can't believe you're with her."

Edward grabbed my wrist. "I thought this was about us, not them?" he countered, glaring at me.

I ducked my head. "It is. I'm sorry. It's just hard for me to think about you being with her."

"How do you think I felt learning you've been with Jake for the last five years?"

I shrugged. "Truthfully, after a while I didn't think you cared anymore."

Edward took the bar of soap from my hand and took a step closer so that our noses almost touched. "Oh, I cared. I thought about you every fucking day. You were with me in everything I did, everything I saw – felt. Every time I walked into your house to pick up Charlie for work or whatever, I could smell you everywhere. It killed me."

He took a deep breath. "All our friends were always so careful not to mention you, but I noticed things they didn't think I would see. The postcards you sent Rose from Memphis, the pictures on Charlie's fridge of you and Alice, the flowers you sent to the cemetery every fucking year on the anniversary of the accident….it was like you never left. Even if you weren't there, you were everywhere. I couldn't even fuck without thinking about you."

I winced.

Tears slipped from eyes. I couldn't hold back the lump in my throat any longer and let out a small sob.

"I'm sorry, so sorry."

Edward wiped the tears away and kissed my lips. "I'm sorry, too. But I have you now; I'm not letting you go again. It almost killed me before, I'm never doing that again."

I sniffled, running my hands up his chest. "I don't want to let you go, either." I bit my lip. "If we are going to do this, be together, I still think we need to take it slower, like really slow."

"What do you mean by really slow?" Edward ran the bar of soap over my stomach. His hands felt hot as they passed over my skin.

I gulped, trying to keep my composure. "I mean we need to get to know each other again. We fought so much since yesterday; I want to iron out all our issues. And I want us to cut all our ties before we're together again."

"Cut all our ties?" He washed my backside. Thoroughly.

"I don't want to hurt them anymore than we have."

"Jess and Jake."

"Yes."

"So let me get this straight, you don't want to fuck again until we break up with our significant others?"

"You're putting it bluntly, but yes."

"And you want to talk?"

"Yes."

"About our feelings and shit?"

"Yes."

He chuckled. "Woman, that's asking a lot from me."

I touched his arm. "Do you think we can do that, not touch each other until we figure everything out and talk to Jessica and Jake?

Edward squinted his eyes. "Can I touch you a little bit?"

"Depends." I took his hands off my hips and placed them at his sides. "Let's set some ground rules."

"Okay." He tapped his chin. "I get to touch your tits." Edward moved to grab my breast.

"Absolutely not!" I slapped his hand away.

"How 'bout your ass?" He tried to pinch my butt.

I moved out of his reach almost falling in the process. "No!"

Edward steadied me by my shoulders. "You see, you start acting all klutzy and I have no choice but to touch you."

"Minor setback."

He shook his head. "What if we kept all our clothes on and I touched you?"

"No!" I slapped his arm. "But you can hold my hand."

"Holding hands? How old are we?"

"Edward!" I stomped my bare foot on the shower floor and almost slipped again.

"You're going to fall. Wait, keep doing that," he smiled, holding my hand, "because then I can touch you."

"Concentrate!" I pleaded with him.

He held up his hands in surrender. "So you want me to court you? Is that it?"

"I guess if that's what you want to call it. Edward, we have so much to get over. I think sex will only confuse us more."

"But I like our sex," he whined.

"I do too. Believe me, I really, really do, but we need to be strong, just for a while. I want to do this right, if I can. Everything we've done has been so backward."

"It's still going to be tough when we get back. I hate hurting Jess, but I never promised her anything. She knows how I feel, even if I haven't said in so many words, she knows I couldn't ever be what she wanted. You know, she's a lot different than the girl you remember."

"I highly doubt that."

"I won't fight with you about her. She helped me when I needed it. I will always be grateful to her."

"Let's just not talk about her."

"Yeah, but..."

"Please, Edward. Just not yet, okay?"

"All right. Can I ask you something now?"

"Of course."

"Why did you cry last night….afterward?"

I dipped my head down, embarrassed. I was hoping he wouldn't ask me that. "I was overwhelmed."

"Why?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I wasn't expecting to feel and act the way I did last night. I lost control of myself. I was helpless and it scared me."

Edward pressed his forehead to mine. "I didn't think last night or this morning would be happening. In fact, I was pretty sure I could stay away from you. Pretty stupid thinking, huh?"

I chuckled. "If someone would have told me yesterday morning that I would find out that my fiancé was cheating on me and then I would be fucking my ex that night, I would have laughed in their faces."

"Do you regret it?"

"No," I whispered.

"Good, because I don't."

I still wanted to confront Edward on how different being with him last night was compared to five years ago. I needed to know what happened to him, what I drove him to be, but now wasn't the time.

With a slow smile, Edward asked, "Can we make out, at least?"

Without answering him, I leaned into his lips. Edward slipped his arms around my waist, inching close to my butt. I grabbed his hand quickly.

"Keep it above the equator, mister."

"Can't blame a guy for trying."

The sound of the phone ringing in the other room made us both jump.

"That's my cell." Edward kissed my lips and stepped out of the shower, walking briskly to the other room - still naked. I got out after him and wrapped a towel around my body. I heard Edward talking from the other room but couldn't make out what he was saying.

I reached for another towel and patted my hair dry. My hair was a mess with tangles so I ran my fingers through it the best I could. Then I remembered my suitcase was right outside the bathroom door and held my cosmetic case.

After I quickly used the toilet, I walked out and looked over to see Edward still on the phone by the now open window. The sun lit up the entire room, a bright contrast from earlier. The light hit Edward in all the right places, making him look ethereal. His body was perfection. Every muscle seemed to glint in the light.

I sighed, feeling overjoyed for once.

I knelt beside my bag and rummaged through its contents for my case, pushing the pictures of Edward and me to the side. I located my comb in my case and started to untangle the knots.

"So you're carrying around a suitcase of pictures of me, I see. I thought all this time you hated me." Edward laughed as he leaned against the wall, watching me.

"You should thank Alice. She must have put these in here. I threw them away while I was cleaning out my room." I said truthfully.

"I'll pretend that you didn't say that.

"I'm not going to lie to you."

"Thank you, or Alice, I should say."

"You're very distracting like that," I said, gesturing to his naked body. "Got a thing against clothes?

"Nope, but since you want to attempt this no touching thing and I'm not all for it, I figured that if I stayed naked long enough, you'd cave."

"You're evil!" I smiled. "Put this on." I threw him the towel I used on my hair.

Edward wrapped the towel around his waist and sat on the bed. Leaning back on his elbow, he said, "All I have here is my jeans. We're going to have to go get my room key from the front desk so I can get dressed."

I grabbed a pair of clean clothes and started to get dressed. Edward watched my every move, entranced. I held his eye, slipped on my panties, and fastened my bra. He smirked when I turned around and bent over to pull my jeans up, giving him a nice view of my ass.

"Like the show?"

"I would like it more if you were taking it off rather than putting it on."

"What are you lying around for, put your jeans on so we can get your key. I'm hungry and buying you breakfast."

"Isn't the courting male supposed to treat the female? It's only proper, my love."

My heart leapt. But then I wasn't sure if he even realized he said, "my love." After all, old habits die hard.

"Not in this millennia," I replied. "Anyway, you paid for the rooms and didn't even use yours."

"I'm not broken up about it."

"I am!"

"Bella, you don't need to think about money right now."

"Why would you say that?"

"Because that phone call I just got was about your car. They found it."

**Some of you have stressed that you are concerned with the lack of "emotion" in the lemons. I just have to say that it's very intentional for storyline purposes. You'll learn later on what I mean. These two are going to be confused for a while. Things aren't going to just be magically healed now that they did it. So I hope you stick with me. **

**Okay, I have a rec. I haven't done it in a while. But I read a lot of fic and for the last couple of months lost faith in finding some really original work until I stumbled on to a fic called Miror Quaenam Sis Tam Bella by MeraNaamJoker. **

**Now, stay with me. It's a Bella/Paul. I know, I know, I'm a cannon girl like the rest of you but this is amazing.**

**This story delves into imprinting and describes it in such depth, the reason, the connection, the lust….it's all I wanted to read in the books but Meyer never really described. You can tell there are going to be twists down the road and I can't wait to see how this author plays them out.**

**Go check it out, give it a try and tell her I sent you. **

**Next up for TW, a visit to Renee's.**

**Follow me on twitter; larin20 or FB LarinTwenty Fanfic**

**Leave me some sugar.**


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